Just need to ramble..

Jellybean71514

Hi everyone- Does it actually feel like it gets harder before it gets easier? My fiancé and I struggled today ....he's coping better than I am, keeping busy and soon will be back at work which terrifies me because he's been the only one I've been with since this has happened - he says he wants me to start living again and stop staring at the TV- he says he knows it's only been a little over a week but he said he feels I had a few days that I seemed to get better but the past few days got worse. I am getting out of bed and showering each day but after that I just feel lost. He said to try to get back to my old routine but I told him my 'old routine' for over 5 months was planning for the baby, thinking about the baby and just living with the baby- I know I now need to find a 'new normal' but I'm struggling. I don't want to be around people because I'm afraid I will hear something or see something to set me off into a pool of tears. I have a bridal shower this weekend that I'm dreading but forcing myself to so I can take a step at being in a social setting. I honestly feel like I'm losing it and sound like a nutcase but I'm trying so hard to focus on faith and better things ahead it's just so hard. I feel weak and frustrated that I'm not being stronger thru this. I am just rambling I know and also know there's not much advice anyone can give and that time needs to do the healing on it's own- I just feel alone right now feeling all these things the people on my life can't relate to. Thanks for reading this novel if you managed through I just needed to let a little out tonight.

veetveet

Up down up down.... that's my life! Some days are ok and others suck.

Time will help numb it- but it will always be there. We just have to adapt to our new normal. Do what you feel comfortable with and do not feel pressured to be social.

Jellybean71514

@veetveet- Thanks for listening

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY WARNING***

Those first few months after losing Devon were the worst months of my life. One day, I'd be OK and laughing; the next, I would be depressed and stay in bed all day. My husband went back to work after a week and seemed fine, and I struggled through life for months afterward. He didn't necessarily push me to get over it, but he did make lots of suggestions of things I should do to try and move forward - but I moved forward in my own time, in my own way.

I know you will feel weak and helpless to your emotions for awhile, and that's OK. Even after 19 months, I still have moments of weakness where I just sit and cry. I miss Devon so much, and I always will. I anticipate that I will have lots of weak moments for the rest of my life, and that's OK. We belong to a group of women who have gone through one of the most unfair things life can throw at you - losing your child. No one else outside of this group gets what it's like to be in our shoes but us.

Have you look into support groups or counseling? I put off counseling for months but gave it a try about seven months after Devon was born sleeping, and it helped me really get back on my feet. It was nice to talk to someone who wasn't involved in my life and, therefore, was a clean slate for me to talk to.

The best advice I can give is to not rush your healing. Don't feel obligated to just "get through this". I tried that, and it set me back even more. Take the time you need to grieve your sweet child and find your new normal on your own terms. We're here for you to vent to or just talk to whenever you need. *hugs*

lrichmond86

What you're experiencing with your SO is very normal. Men and women grieve differently. My dh and I were in the same boat after our first loss... I honestly thought we would get divorced. This time we're handling it much better. I would also recommend a counselor. It helped us understand that neither of us was forgetting, we were just grieving differently and that was ok. Sometimes it does feel like it gets harder before it gets better and there are many ups and downs, but every down is a little easier than the last. I try to remind myself of this daily. Take your time. Don't let anyone rush you. You'll get there! Hugs!

ajsweeton

**** siggy warning ****




I feel like those first few months after losing Elliott and Ryland were such a fog of grief. I sometimes wonder how I survived the pain of it. I spent way more days in bed just staring at the walls and crying than I did being an active human being. It's ok to struggle, you've just experienced one of the worst things a person can go through. Your body is struggling to find a new normal as well as your mind. Feel free to take every minute you need to grieve your angel. It'll be hard when your DF goes back to work, but for me when DH went back I was able to come out of the fog a little because he wasn't there to lean on. Be easy on yourself and don't rush the grieving process. I'd strongly urge you to find a group or individual counselor. I think speaking with someone outside of our family and friends really helped us.

bunnybun4

I echo what pp's have mentioned.  the ups and downs will be pretty constant for a while...the first few months after losing her were just really, really hard...and to make matters worse I pushed myself, which I strongly advise against.

you are less than 2 weeks out...that is NO time at all.  You just went through a very traumatic experience and it is normal for it to take you a while to get back into normal routines.  Be gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve.  If I were in your shoes I would skip the bridal shower, just because I remember how hard it was to be in big groups of people who were happy those first few weeks.  Just be patient and take it a step at a time.  You'll come through it...It still hurts and I still have my days but I am OK and now have more good days than bad.

nohalo21

It has been almost 2 weeks since our daughter was born sleeping. Last week I was a wreck. One minute I was fine, then all of a sudden the tears would start. Monday I went back to work. It was a nice distraction. Today I was a mess but managed to hold it together until I got home. I'm not looking forward to going in tomorrow.

I agree that there will be ups and downs. You will always hold your baby in your heart. Take each day as it comes. People will understand you wanting space and all. I have started setting small goals to help tackle everything that needs to be done at work and at home. Our lives have been changed forever and it will take a lot to become adjusted to.

Jellybean71514

Thank you all so much for making me feel like I'm not turning into a basket case I agree and think I need to find a counselor on the next few weeks I do need the outlet and people in my life want to talk but I just don't care what they're saying ....I know that sounds harsh and they're trying to help but there's not much right now they can say that's going to make me feel better. I had one friend try to relate by telling me she bled a lot after her miscarriage last year in her first tri...... she's had a son since then and now pregnant again so I am like really? How can you even try to relate to what I'm going thru? But I know she's trying to just help.
Today is St. Joseph's Day, my baby's saints day, I went for my first PL follow up and insisted on a ultrasound to make sure I was healing properly and seeing the empty screen crushed me. Today was not particularly a good day but tomorrow will be another one and I'm hopeful that I will get thru that better- I'm taking it day by day and knowing all of you are are supporting me and telling me it's ok to not be ok helps me a lot because I feel so guilty when I start breaking down when I'm trying so hard to function a bit. I am also glad to see that in time I will have more ok days than not ok days like today. *hugs* back to all who took time to listen and give back - @OSUWifey09‌ @Irichmond86 @ajsweeton‌ @marylaurena‌ @mrsgerman‌ xoxo

Maybe Joleisa

Don't feel guilty for grieving however you are grieving. You don't sound like a nutcase at all, but I get how you might feel that way. You have a broken heart and that will take some time to mend.

My DH went back to work 2 days after our loss and it was HARD to be in the house all alone with my thoughts all day. I wasn't sleeping or eating much the first few weeks, so I would lay in bed all day either looking at the wall or reading Still Standing articles and then 15 minutes before expecting DH home I would quick shower and change into fresh pajamas.

The empty screen crushed me, too. ((hugs)) Good luck at the bridal shower this weekend whether you make it for zero minutes or 3 hours. Be gentle on yourself and do what you feel like doing--not necessarily what you 'think' you should do.

Jellybean71514

@Maybe Joleisa‌ I get what you're saying there are days where he left the house to get stuff done early and I will just stay in bed until he calls or texts and then I take a quick shower before he gets home and lie about eating and being ok while he was out. He's trying to be supportive and tells me to do what I need to in order to grieve but I feel like I know he just wants me to be ok and if I tell him I am I'm helping him too. He will be back at work on Monday so not having him to lean on all day I think may help me take the time to do what I need to on my own I guess. Thanks for listening xoxo

milb11

I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. Reading your post was like deja vu for me. I have felt everything you are feeling. My boyfriend and I also grieved very differently. While I was content sitting in the house, lurking on boards like this, researching stillbirth or Down's Syndrome, or just crying, my boyfriend wanted to be out in the world, doing stuff. It wasn't cause he wasn't hurting. Just cause it was a distraction for him. 

I too was scared to death to be alone. When my boyfriend went back to work, my mom took off a week to stay with me. But I agree with @ajsweeton , finally being alone, while scary, forced me to get out of the house and do things (at least some days). I think that helped. 

And I can totally relate to the anxiety about social situations. My boyfriend's 30th birthday was a little over 2 weeks after we lost Elijah. We had a birthday dinner planned with some friends and his family. I really didn't want him to not get to celebrate his 30th birthday so I forced myself to go. It was very awkward. Part of me wishes I hadn't gone. I don't think I was ready. But another part is glad I went because I didn't have as much anxiety about having to engage later on. 

Do what feels right for you on the day of the bridal shower. Maybe that day will be a "good" day and you might be able to handle it. Or maybe it will be a bad day where going will do more harm than good.  

Jellybean71514

@milb11‌ I think I'm pushing to go to the bridal shower because waiting to see family feels like it will just make it harder later on - I kinda look at it like pulling off a band aid by ripping it off fast and letting the bruise breathe in order to heal. Everyone is different I guess and I think I'm just trying to find what works for me, going may not be best but I'd like to try and if I can't handle the shower I will just duck out early which I already told my mom i would do and she's with me- thanks for listening xoxo

LyndseyTS

@Jellybean71514 It is so okay not to be okay. There is hope, but somedays are just terrible. I can’t even take it day-by-day now. It’s more minute-by-minute, so don’t be concerned if you have good moments and terrible ones. I also feel crazy. I’ve never considered myself an angry person and the anger that comes with this sometimes makes me feel like a nutcase. Friends assure me I am not, which means that you must not be either!

Good luck with the bridal shower. If you find that it is too much, don't beat yourself up for ducking out early. We need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others, especially in difficult times. Thinking of you.

Jellybean71514

@LyndseyTS‌ thank you - yes I agree the anger has been awful but on and off I feel frustrated and hopeless and then I try to pull myself together and think it will all be ok in time. It's just really new even though I feel like time is dragging and it's been one long day since it has happened xo