Overbearing Dad-To-Be — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Overbearing Dad-To-Be

I haven't been able to find this on other boars so I figured I would try here. My boyfriend and I are having a baby in June 2014, a little girl. He's military and we've known each other since high school. When we first found out I was pregnant we were going through a rough patch and he didn't handle the news well. He pretty much pretended for the first 6 months that I wasn't pregnant and didn't want to hear about any of my pregnancy complaints (there weren't much anyway). He's finally gotten used to the idea and is coming around which is great, but he talks and acts like he is the one in charge of parenting her and if my idea is different than his, he puts down this authoritarian temper tantrum about it. I want us to work together as parents to raise her, but he refuses to see my side of things.

Keep in mind he got transferred to Virginia from Colorado when I was about 4 months pregnant (I didn't and couldn't go with), has never been to a single doctor's appointment, hasn't spent a penny on anything for her yet and walks around with this "it's my way or the highway" attitude. So I'm wondering from a male's point of view how to deal with this problem. I will be her primary parent until he can get back to Colorado (sometime within the year after she's born, we don't know yet) and I'm in a state of shock with his attitude regarding it.

I don't post much but I figured it would be worth a shot. I don't know many fathers..

Re: Overbearing Dad-To-Be

  • My guess is some of his authority is coming from his military background. He probably needs to leave that at the door and just focus on being a dad. When she's little there's really no one right way of doing things. You'll each have your own individual styles. When she is older you'll have to be on the same page as far as discipline goes and maybe a few other things.

    Can you give a few examples of what you are disagreeing about? I can't remember my wife and I having anything to disagree about before my son was even born. Not enough to go into tantrum mode over anyway.

  • Oh, and it's often found that one's idea before the baby is born and the idea after the baby is born are completely different. Be open to adapting to your baby. They're all so very different.
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  • He hasn't been a part of or supported me much so far through the pregnancy, so I've been alone through most of it. I came up with a name for her (Athena) and when I told him what I was thinking it was an immediate "That's ridiculous, no". He has conflicts with his mother right now, and has straight up said that she will not have any involvement in our daughter's life. I don't agree with him but that's his decision, not mine. I'm a sorority alumnae and am actively involved as a volunteer. Some of my sisters bought sorority baby stuff for her and he kept saying "There's no way she's going to be in a sorority". He's very clean and if there's a small amount of change in something, he throws a fit. Is almost trying to plan when I am going to deliver the baby...which is comical. I think a lot of it is military, and I am a super flexible and adaptable person, but I worry about his ability to adapt.

  • I do agree that the name should be a mutual decision. Maybe suggest a few others that you like. If he doesn't like those then tell him he needs to come up with some suggestions or you'll name her whatever you have chosen at the time. Hopefully you can find something you agree on.

    I'm firm on this one - children should not be a bargaining tool when dealing with parents. If he has beef with his mom that's his deal, but don't keep your daughter from seeing her grandma because of it. There will just be resentment later. If his mom is bad to your daughter then that's a different story.

    Sorority - tell him to chill out. It's a baby. And remind him that you were in a sorority and does he has a problem with that.

    Clean - Tell him to start pitching in, but for your house to be spotless with a newborn is an unreasonable expectation in the first few months.

    He'll have to adapt. He just has to man up. In today's age men are expected to do more around the house. That means helping in the middle of the night too.

     

    Kelly1901
  • I just got out of the marines a year ago and It is hard to leave that shit at the door. Also in the military there are a lot of dependasluts that just have there man for the small pay check he gets and fucks around on him while he's deployed so he might be casting some unreasonable doubt on y'all's relationship. Especially if you weren't willing to follow him to his duty station. Being in the military doesn't make you a man and it sounds like he's got some growing up to do. Men see shit retroactively. In the future he will look back and regret his actions.
    Wulfgar
  • Yea, he's had some issues with other women before (ex-wife turned out to be a lesbian and he caught her cheating). I would've liked to go with him but financially we couldn't do it because we aren't married. It was better if I stayed here while he went (and funny enough he hates it there and is trying to get out and come back here to be with me and the baby). He's turned around a lot in the last few weeks which is good. I made a lot of sacrifices to live a somewhat military lifestyle, so he needs to be able to make sacrifices too. Thanks for the input, it's good to see it from somewhere else.
  • Thanks for the update and glad to hear things are going in the right direction.
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