Need New, Objective Opinions about Inlaw DC

GreenMonkey1

The inlaws watches DS one day a week and after a series of safety-related incidents around Christmas, DH and I decided they could no longer watch DS at their house.  Long story short, they refuse to childproof and explain everything bad that happens as a "one off".  DS getting a steak knife (and running, he's a toddler) is nbd to them because they were there and the hospital is close.  All I can say is...my eyes crossed on that one. 

I am having Baby #2 over the summer and I do not see them adequately handling two kiddos, one being a newborn and the other a young toddler.  It was very trying having them watch DS when he was an infant (they would forget to change him or not follow his sleep/feeding schedule and we'd get a very cranky baby) and I honestly don't want to go through that again.  Plus, I'm just tired of multiple drama-llama incidents every month or DH getting yelled at when he asks them to do something different/doesn't agree with them.  But adding another day at DC (moving us to FT care) will cost us another $7K!  At that point I am pretty sure functionally my entire take home will go to childcare; I need to stay working because I carry the benefits (DH is self-employed). 

DH doesn't know what to do.  Inlaws will probably majorly freak if we tell them no more watching DS (which will cause different problems, but so be it).  DH is hopeful his parents will step-it-up and I am pretty sure they will not.  Right now the issue is functionally tabled because we are at a loss for solutions - either they keep watching DS one day a week and we hope for the best once #2 arrives or we make the change to 4-days DC and deal with the cost.  DS and #2's welfare are worth the money, but I keep hoping there is another option I am missing or another perspective to consider to make this decision easier.  I keep assuming I am just being hormonal because the knife stuff just pushed me over the edge and I have little patience for the inlaws.  We have the make the decision sooner than later as the pregnancy is counting down...

Thoughts?

jf198400

My mom used to watch my kids when they were little. I am very close with my mom and trust her completely. But with 2 little kids (18months apart) it started to be too much especially once DS got mobile. I wasn't happy with a bunch of little things- too much tv, poor food choices, not enough activity outside the house. It wasn't fair to me, the kids, or my mom. It was affecting my relationship with her. We mutually agreed it was time for them to go to daycare. It was the best decision.

I can't imagine that things will improve at all if you have already had numerous incidents and you are about to add a new baby to the mix. It's only going to further damage your relAtionship with your ILs. I might even use the fact that 2 kids is too much as your sole reason for switching to FT DC. If it's not working financially, have you looked into other options- Inhome DC, babysitter, SAHM. You have to do what is best for your children, even if it upsets your ILs.

djm31012

I think you know what you need to do but its always hard to make a change and get comfortable with something new. As PP said--can you look into other options besides full time DC? Maybe a babysitter or in home that charges less? Not sure what your DH does but since he is self employed is there any way for one day a week he can work nights after you get home? Look into all options before making a decision....and remember that DC isnt permanent so even if you are only breaking even at this point, pretty soon your older one will be in school and you will go back to making more money. Thats not including any potential raises / bonuses you might get along the way!

88sharonlee

Not sure if you have already factored this in but some places offer multiple kid discounts. I believe you are talking about sending both LOs to daycare full time correct? If so maybe the center or in home will offer you a special price for both of them full time.

I agree it sounds like having your ILs watch 2 kids one day a week might be a lot for them.

Do you even want them to keep watching your oldest one day with those safety concerns?
Regardless of the new LO?

maybe you could switch and put the older kid into full time daycare and have them watch the new LO one day a week (assuming they are better with little ones that can't move or pick up knives!)

emberlee3

I would put the kids in full time care. Maybe the ILs could provide backup care in your home.

VOR

You can't make this decision based on hurting their feelings.  Especially as they don't really seem to care about YOURS.  They don't listen to you and they dismiss your concerns.  why on earth are you and DH tripping over yourselves to save THEIR precious little feelings - over the well being of your child????

They aren't a good choice to watch your child.  Never mind childREN.  being "grandparents" doesn't give them an automatic right to be your daycare.  They aren't the best choice.  Don't use them. 

One of the things I'm VERY thankful for with my parents is that they know their limits.  They've watched DS basically for 2 days a week since he was born.  They've readily admitted that this is enough.  MOre than that, on a regular basis, would just be too much.  And I KNOW that 2 kids would be a game changer for them.

They love their time w/ DS.  But they also know that by being honest about how much time they can handle allows them to give DS their best. 

Your ILs seem to be blind to a lot of issues, and even their own abilities.  I mean- letting a child run around w/ a knife because "the hospital is near"..... WTF????? 

They aren't a good choice anymore.  They really, really aren't. 

you don't have to tell them "we're not using you anymore because we don't trust you".  You can be gentle in the "why" of the choice to go to full-time daycare.  But if they get pissed at that?  Let them.  You and DH are not responsible for their feelings.  realize and accept this. But you are responsible for the well being of your kid(s).

dashofreality

1. There are going to be some hurt feeling for you to do what you need to do. You need to get your husband on board and he needs to be the one to explain your decision to his parents. And he needs to take your side and not theirs.

2. My MIL is amazing, was a nanny for 20 years, is super active and she had a very difficult time watching my 2u2 for a brief time. It is HARD. My guess is that your in-laws will see that pretty quickly. My parents are still unable to watch my 2 kids alone unless it is bedtime. I would have your husband explain that you are finding other care, but you really need their help with backup care (you will need it) and other times to help you out. You can then have them come over and entertain the toddler while you are home (supervising) and taking care of the baby. Win -win.

3. I am confused about the 1 day inlaws vs. 4 days DC. My guess is if you look outside of centers you will find other options.

GreenMonkey1

Thanks everyone for the thoughts.  I don't see there being another option other than changing from the inlaws, but I also recognize my opinions are currently extremely biased.  

In my OP I did not clarify that DS is currently in DC for three days and with family two days (1 day with my parents and 1 day with inlaws).  @dashofreality that might make more sense, I was trying to be concise and typing in the evening - brain fail.  If we no longer have inlaws watch DS one day, we would not remove him from my parents.  So instead of 3-days DC we would have 4-days DC and 1 day with my parents.  My parents are awesome with my son and we have no concerns with them watching both kiddos come the fall (and neither do they, they both are employed in active fields that works with young children).

@VOR I know.  Believe me, I know.  It's just getting DH to cross that hump, that is making the decision harder.  I cannot tell you how many times I have told him "we are not responsible for your parents' feelings".  He still thinks maybe we can find a compromise and I've been trying too hard not to be a bitch to put my foot down hard enough.  Shame on me.

We are just going to have to bite the bullet and make the change.  It will be worse because we do not plan to tell my parents they can no longer watch DS and future child.  We have no problems with them, they have the ability and desire to watch both children, and the arrangement with them is working famously.  MIL will be more than hurt because it's "unfair", blah, blah, kids will know their other grandparents better, you hate us, blah.  So ultimately we will have to tell the inlaws they are not watching DS and future kiddo because we do not trust them or something of the like.  I refuse to penalize my parents (and our kids) because my of inlaws' choices.

This all sucks and I have to take some of the blame for being a pansy.  That sucks too because I usually consider myself pretty strong willed.

VOR

Trust me - I get it.  It's all a balancing act.

With your DH- they ARE his parents and I get that he doesn't want to hurt them.  But he really, really, really needs to realize that priorities have changed.  Kids need to come first, not his parents. 

With the overall your parents/ his parents - again, you can't force his mom to be rational about this, but at the same time, you also can't punish your parents because his just aren't as good.  There are plenty of other ways to foster a relationship, though, with his parents.

And that's really what the focus needs to be on- if this goes into a "fair" issue, they ALL need to realize that fair =/= equal.  You aren't going to keep your kids from her.  However, you aren't going to have her watch them on her own.  Two separate issues. 

My DH had to have a talk with his dad once, and it absolutely wasn't easy.  But it had to be done.  And DH just "stepped back", so to speak, and let his dad be sad. 

I'll actually say this too- a part of her emotion over this might also be that she actually does know that she isn't up to the task, but ADMITTING that is just so, so hard.  I thin kthat was a part of it w/ my ILs.  They are just too old and not physically capable of watching a young child.  DH had to gently point that out (at least in regards to his mom) and I think that's a part of what made his dad sad - having to admit "um yeah, I guess we really aren't the best option". 

dashofreality

Maybe it will help if you help your inlaws see that they are Grandparents and not babysitters. You are not trying to stop them from being Grandparents but the kids daycare needs have changed and you think this new route is a better fit.

Virgo17

Can you look into having a nanny come to your house?  Maybe you could take the approach that it would save a lot of time in the morning and evenings to go that route with two instead of what you have been doing.  Your parents could still watch the kids one day a week, just don't tell the in-laws .

GreenMonkey1

Thanks for the support, I honestly know it is time for a change - am just afraid I'm throwing the proverbial baby out with the bath water.  DH is just so afraid of taking "nuclear action" and I just want less stress and more consistent, safe care.  We talked about this again last night and I asked him what it would take for him to pull DS and future child from his parent's care.  Because we just keep accommodating and it's draining.  He didn't have an answer, but acknowledged it was a good question.  

@VOR and @dashofreality I wish my inlaws would acknowledge their limitations, but it isn't likely to happen.  They are the type to throw out their back, go get a cortisone shot, feel better, take a 5-mile hike (uphill both ways), then wake up in the next morning in excruciating pain saying "the shot failed".

@Virgo17 I should look into a nanny, I have heard it can significantly decrease stress in the AM/PM.  There is a local nanny/governess school (which I am sure we cannot afford), but I am in a network of moms in the area who I can poll to see if anyone has any ideas.

I've told DH that I'm pretty sure I am not willing to consistently accommodate and that I just want to take the stress away.  We are not sure how to get over this hump, but we will because ignoring the problem does nothing.  

VOR

I'm just going to say it again- you've got to get your DH to realize he HAS to put his kids before his parents.  He really does.  This is what this boils down to.  They aren't a safe option for your kids.  That HAS to come first before their feelings.  It has to. 

 

*sparky*

I completely agree with @VOR. Especially when you add a second kid to the mix, this will not be a good situation for your children. That needs to come before everything else.

My dad helps us with our DS, who is 8, but I am not letting him have much alone babysitting time with the infant because I just don't think he has the capacity to deal with both at the same time and because he knows almost nothing about caring for infants. It is just not worth taking the chance.