So, I have done everything that I can do, and I am just waiting on DH. We got our final packet of paperwork on the 6th, and we have our Dr appt booked for this Wednesday. I have done my questionnaire and have our account set up for the online classes (we are taking them together). So far, DH hasn't even cracked the spine of his questionnaire and it's been almost two weeks! I've been reminding (badgering) him, and he keeps saying he will get to it. I asked him why he was holding off on it, since it's quite extensive and would make sense to work on it a bit at a time. He says that he wants to make sure XYZ is done before we get the last set of paperwork in. One of the things he is waiting on is finishing putting new tin on our roof, which could take weeks depending on the wind. He says that if we do get a placement, he won't have time to do those things later. But, we aren't even active yet. The paperwork needs time to process, then we have the home study. It feels to me like he might just be dragging his heels because he doesn't want to look at the questionnaire (it's quite intimidating). Am I being unreasonable to think that he could at least try to wrap this whole awful process up quickly? There's always going to be something in life that's easier without kids, so are we going to wait forever?
DH was similar when we started our autobiographies. I whipped mine out in no time flat, he'd barely started his. And he was gearing up for a big event in a matter of weeks. We talked about working together to get it done. We did 2 things:
1. We picked a deadline. It was several weeks away, but it was a deadline to work toward
2. I would come home and read a set of questions to him and write down his answers. He was not a fan of all the touchy feely questions they asked, but this was the least painful way to get it all done
Yeah I also finished mine before DH but after he saw I had got one done I think he realized he needed to get his done too. Don't worry he will come around it always takes longer to get them going for some reason! Now that we got all that paperwork in I'm on my DH to get the furniture saftey straps on the hutch and bookshelves... So it's never ending! Lol
Me 34 and DH 39 married in aug. 2002
Did 5 round of clomid 2010 =BFN
High levels of NK CELLS DX sept.2012 DOR:# 0.02
IVF #1 May 2012 ER 4, EF 2, ET 2 =BFN
MINI IVF Oct.2012 Cancelled 10-27-12
Ivf #3 Antagonist Protocol April 2013
Shared cycle..Donor cycled in July Got 12 eggs 9 fertilized and 8 frozen!!
DE FET #1 Sept. 3rd 2013 FIRST BFP EVER 5dp5dt
miscarried Sept 24th at 5 weeks 5 days
Etopic D&C and hysterscopy Nov 5 2013
dx with pre genetic blood clotting dec 2013
FET #2 Jan 31st 2014
Miscarried for a second time again at 5 weeks 5 days
Currently fostering to adopt an amazing little 1 year old boy..P.J!
I had to give my husband deadlines too, which is so frustrating. I have to manage the adoption process and him! Even with deadlines, he dragged his feet, but what helped a little was laying the whole timeline out for him and showing him how not doing his part impacted a long chain of time-sensitive events in the process. That also helped him see how much work I'm doing in comparison to what I've "assigned" to him.
Son #1 - September '09 Son #2 - October '11 Son #3 - Hoping to adopt from China some time in 2014!
Here's what happens from the DH point of view. We think that a simple call was made, some appointments set up and now suddenly we have this HUGE stack of paperwork that magically appeared with 1,987 questions that we have to answer about our sex lives or our mother. We don't really want to do that.
Honestly, most of us are not as involved in the process as we should be. Heck a lot of times we are not even involved in the decision as much as we should have been.
Our role as the bread winning, beard growing, hard working "man of the house" gets our ego a little out of whack when it comes down to the important stuff, or at least what our wives think is the important stuff. We are wired a little different than women and think a little different.
I can see where he is concerned about replacing the roof before filling out a bunch of paperwork. YOU can do paperwork, but can YOU replace that roof? Maybe you can but I'm sure that he see's that it's HIS job to take care of the house to make sure that you have a nice home to live in. He will probably find other outside, manly projects that only a man can do before he starts on those questions.
Sit down with him and have a logical discussion. Explain to him what all you have already done and that you really need his help on this part, as only he can answer some of these questions. Let's face it, you can answer some of his questions for him. The ones that you can not, just ask and write his answers for him. Jump around and pick out 10-20 at a time to ask. Pick out a couple of very personal questions and mix them in with some easy questions and don't laugh at his answers unless he is obviously joking with an answer. It's hard for a lot of guys to open up and be truthful about some of these. I know it was for me.
A lot of men do not write very well either. I don't mean that they can not put words together but I mean that they can not write neatly enough for anybody (including themselves) to be able to read their scribble. I have not had to write anything that someone else would read in almost 20 years and am embarrassed at how poor my penmanship has gotten at this point. You offering to write everything for him might get around this hurdle if it is one indeed.
After a few nights of this, he might just catch on that this is really important and might surprise you by working on it on his own. After I finally figured out what all my wife had gone through, I felt guilty about not helping out more in the beginning and we worked through the rest of the process somewhat together.
You know your husband better than any of us and by now you should know how to manipulate him into doing whatever you want, whenever you want.
This is just one dad's opinion that's been there, done that and have the baby to prove it.
My DH had a tough time getting started on some of the things as well. From our talks, I think @spotco2 really sums it up pretty well. One of the things that worked really well for us was something @DrLoretta did too...I would take a few questions and read them to him and he would give me an answer. It made it more conversational and he didn't have to see that daunting pile of papers. I also took the liberty of filling out any standard information for him (name, DOB, address, etc.). Since the first round of paperwork, I've noticed a change in him, but we definitely still go through "differences of opinion" on how to get things done. Honestly, we see it as the new standard...since we're assuming we'll have a lot of new things to work through once we get a kiddo in the house! You guys will figure it out!
We came to an agreement that I would leave it alone and he promised that he would have the entire booklet completely done by April 7th. That's a little (actually a lot) farther away than I wanted, since absolutely everything goes on hold until then. But, at least it is something.
Re: Waiting on DH
DH was similar when we started our autobiographies. I whipped mine out in no time flat, he'd barely started his. And he was gearing up for a big event in a matter of weeks. We talked about working together to get it done. We did 2 things:
1. We picked a deadline. It was several weeks away, but it was a deadline to work toward
2. I would come home and read a set of questions to him and write down his answers. He was not a fan of all the touchy feely questions they asked, but this was the least painful way to get it all done
Just some suggestions.
Son #2 - October '11
Son #3 - Hoping to adopt from China some time in 2014!
Our adoption journey: Talkin' 'Bout the Next Generation
Honestly, most of us are not as involved in the process as we should be. Heck a lot of times we are not even involved in the decision as much as we should have been.
Our role as the bread winning, beard growing, hard working "man of the house" gets our ego a little out of whack when it comes down to the important stuff, or at least what our wives think is the important stuff. We are wired a little different than women and think a little different.
I can see where he is concerned about replacing the roof before filling out a bunch of paperwork. YOU can do paperwork, but can YOU replace that roof? Maybe you can but I'm sure that he see's that it's HIS job to take care of the house to make sure that you have a nice home to live in. He will probably find other outside, manly projects that only a man can do before he starts on those questions.
Sit down with him and have a logical discussion. Explain to him what all you have already done and that you really need his help on this part, as only he can answer some of these questions. Let's face it, you can answer some of his questions for him. The ones that you can not, just ask and write his answers for him. Jump around and pick out 10-20 at a time to ask. Pick out a couple of very personal questions and mix them in with some easy questions and don't laugh at his answers unless he is obviously joking with an answer. It's hard for a lot of guys to open up and be truthful about some of these. I know it was for me.
A lot of men do not write very well either. I don't mean that they can not put words together but I mean that they can not write neatly enough for anybody (including themselves) to be able to read their scribble. I have not had to write anything that someone else would read in almost 20 years and am embarrassed at how poor my penmanship has gotten at this point. You offering to write everything for him might get around this hurdle if it is one indeed.
After a few nights of this, he might just catch on that this is really important and might surprise you by working on it on his own. After I finally figured out what all my wife had gone through, I felt guilty about not helping out more in the beginning and we worked through the rest of the process somewhat together.
You know your husband better than any of us and by now you should know how to manipulate him into doing whatever you want, whenever you want.
This is just one dad's opinion that's been there, done that and have the baby to prove it.
My DH had a tough time getting started on some of the things as well. From our talks, I think @spotco2 really sums it up pretty well. One of the things that worked really well for us was something @DrLoretta did too...I would take a few questions and read them to him and he would give me an answer. It made it more conversational and he didn't have to see that daunting pile of papers. I also took the liberty of filling out any standard information for him (name, DOB, address, etc.). Since the first round of paperwork, I've noticed a change in him, but we definitely still go through "differences of opinion" on how to get things done. Honestly, we see it as the new standard...since we're assuming we'll have a lot of new things to work through once we get a kiddo in the house! You guys will figure it out!