Postpartum Hemorrhage and PPD - no support

meg_and_jase@hotmail.com

Hi there!

I have been looking for over a year for a postpartum hemorrhage support board or group, and have yet to find one! I find this incredibly strange since there are all sorts of groups and boards for nearly everything else related to pregnancy and birth. If anyone can point me in the right direction, it would be so helpful!

My story is short, well it's long, but I've told it so many times in so many places that I've been able to shorten it! Unfortunately I've gotten no replies either. I had a normal pregnancy and great labour, followed by a nearly perfect home birth with amazing midwives. My son was grunty for the first 15-20 minutes and had some trouble breathing, so while my midwives used CPAP on him and called an ambulance, my hemorrhage was going on silently inside my uterus. My son was totally fine and crying by the time the paramedics arrived, but my bleeding was still steady and not slowing down. Every time my midwives checked me they'd say "hmm" and give me some more oxytocin. It wasn't until they started doing a sweep and pulling out hand fulls of clots did they realize how much I'd actually been bleeding inside. So the paramedics took me instead. Luckily the bleeding slowed as soon as the clots were all cleaned out, but I lost a total of 2L. Two trips to the hospital later and a blood count of only 80, denied a transfusion or any other medication to make me feel better, I was at home, in bed, the sickest and most scared I've ever felt in my entire life. This led to another silent journey into PPD.

For a whole year I blamed all of my PPD symptoms on those first 3 days, those 2 hospital trips, unanswered questions and no relief. I was furious about being on 2 weeks of bed rest when I wanted to do all of those "new mother" things.

I searched and searched and searched for other moms who have had PPHs and could only find ONE group that was old and inactive. I know there are current moms out there with all sorts of stories! I just can't find them.

My son is now 18 months, he is the most amazing person I've ever met, and he makes me so happy. But I've crawled out of my own darkness mostly by myself. And I still struggle and backslide often. Talking to other moms about all sorts of things has been my saviour during pregnancy and beyond, but there's still that piece missing of finding someone with a common story, who can help me with next steps and management. My anemia has returned and I can't find answers.

Thanks!

ghd

Hi! It looks like you had a hard time recovering.. although i didnt expirience pph (i "just" have PPD) , i can try to help you with any other difficulty you may feel!

meg_and_jase@hotmail.com

Thanks very much for your reply! It's comforting knowing there are people out there who understand in many ways. I'm sure your story is also unique and just as valid! The "two steps forward, one step back" progress is the toughest for me right now. Just when I'm feeling better and things are going well, something happens and I backslide, and I wonder if it will ever really end.

ghd

I'm going through the same progress. Just like you wrote - two steps forward one step back, so you are NOT alone!
Do you see someone? It might help. I go to my psych once a week and it helps. Venting is always good and i can tell you that it's so important diing that in our situation. Being able to "take it all out" makes you feel better. Another thing, if its possible, choose one evening each week and go either by yourself or with a friend to a place that makes you feel happy.. even going by yourself for some "quiet (and quality) time" is important. Just schedule something to look forward to.
Give yourself a BIG hug. You went through a rough way - tell yourself how strong and brave you are and how you have grown stronger because of the hard recovering!! There's no specific time when this whole thing will pass.. trust me, i say this to myself every day! Otherwise you'll be busy thinking "what's wrong with me, why doesn't this end" and etc. Take it day by day. Don't think too far because you are not in this position yet. Tell yourself " i had a good day today" - think what made you happy.. and if you had a bad day,ask yourself what made you feel like that.. just keep in mind that it's normal!!! and you are not alone

meg_and_jase@hotmail.com

Thanks so much!
No, I haven't seen anyone, therapists or anything. I probably should have a long time ago, and probably still should now, but I can't seem to get myself to make the first move. I don't want to be told I need medication, because I don't feel like I'm a candidate for that. A support group is maybe a better idea for me, I do find talking about it really helps. But I'm not that kind of social person who enjoys a lot of conversation with people I barely know, I'm not the "mommy-group" type, so I would dread each time I'd have to go out to a meeting.
Day-by-day is definitely the way to go, and sometimes I forget when I'm in a bad funk. Thanks for the reminder!!

Lauren19.

I occasionally lurk on these boards but felt pulled to reply to you. I had my son in December and also PPH, resulting in a blood transfusion. It was seven weeks before I could walk normal and then I had to have a follow up surgery two weeks ago because my tears didn't heal right. I'll be dealing with that recovery and physical therapy for the next few months.

This is all to say that yes, I agree PPH isn't something that's often talked about, but should be. The recovery pain is nothing compared to the feeling of uselessness when you don't have the strength to take care of your baby. I have an incredible support system but at the end of the day I'm LO's mommy and I should be the one comforting him.

Know that your LO loves you immensely, you are their whole world and no one can ever replace you. Cuddle that baby and give yourself a break, you've earned it.

meg_and_jase@hotmail.com

Thanks so much mavourneen19, it's great to hear from someone who had a similar experience! I'm sorry to hear about your surgery, I hope everything heals well and you start feeling better quickly. It's those times that take us away from doing what we really want to do, just being a mother, that are so ridiculously hard and cause such an influx of emotions. It's great that you have a strong support system, I hope they continue to help you over the next few months.

I'm interested to know whether the transfusion helped you to feel better at all, since I was denied twice and was told that I was "young and healthy" enough that my blood level and iron would return to normal within 6 months. 6 months! I thought the doctor was crazy. In the beginning I could barely stay awake and my arms and legs would go limp and tingly, and I'd feel like my lungs had little strength to breathe. I'd say it was about 4 days before I felt well enough to go to the bathroom by myself and have a shower, but that would exhaust me and send me back to bed for the rest of the day. Then after 2 weeks I was well enough to be up and around with the baby during the day, but I had to be careful because I got lightheaded and winded really easily, so I mostly had to stay on the couch. For months I dealt with dizzy spells, tight chest and extreme mood swings when I forgot to take an iron pill. I often wondered if a transfusion at the get-go would have reduced any of these symptoms.

bebebear2

Hey, I had a stillborn and delivered very quickly but afterward had something called a DIC dissenseminated intravscular coagulopathy. I was having my uterus pushed by the nurse and she kept pushing tons of blood out and she kept doing it over and over again. I ended up losing 2 liters like you nd took the blood transfusion.I dropped to a 6.5-7 hemoglobin.  It was horrific experience I totally understand your fear. I had sever PPD and this did not help because when my period came back every time I bled I panicked. Apparently this can happen when you have a stillborn but I realized it can happen in normal births too!! I am sorry you went through this. I have pulled myself out of it and feel really good. It has been 6 months since the birth but I would like to get pregnant again but now the PPH is the only thing that terrifies me about labor and delivery. How are you doing? What have you done to cope with PPD? I ahve heard placenta encapsulation is really great and really helps. Too bad I didnt do this, I will the next time for sure!

Lauren19.

Bebear2 I can't believe you never got blood! I think I'd still be in the hospital if I hadn't. It's interesting that they said you'd recover naturally, my doc ordered the blood right away but wanted to monitor my blood levels for a while to see if I really needed it. I delivered on a Friday morning and got two units on Sunday night. My hemoglobin levels were also dangerously low, but they didn't fall right away, hence the wait. Prior to getting blood I couldn't walk five feet without feeling like I was going to pass out. I wonder if it's too late fur you? In addition to remembering to take your iron everyday, be sure your diet is high in iron and you take Vitamin C too, as that helps absorb the iron.

meg_and_jase@hotmail.com

bebebear2 I'm so sorry about your loss, but am so glad you are feeling better! I also still have some anxiety every month when good old AF arrives, especially since they seem longer, heavier and more painful than before. I'm really not one to ask about how I got through PPD, because I never got any professional help or advice. I stayed in denial for quite a while, then began to find other things to focus on again, like my new business and taking more "me" time. I still struggle, though it's much less of a burden now, and more of a shadow that creeps up from time to time.

mavourneen19 Did the transfusion help you to feel better right away? I really have no idea why they didn't give me anything at all to help me feel better. I even felt like I was being treated very differently than other patients because I had a home birth and had to go to the hospital in an ambulance. The OBs were not very friendly to me or my midwife and one nurse even asked me straight up "why did you want a home birth in the first place" as if that was what caused my hemorrhage. Just another thing that added to my anger about the whole situation and fueled more bad feelings.

heatherwhite1984

I completely agree about PPH and it not being talked about, even in pregnancy books.  I had my first child and the csection went smoothly. The nurses in labor/delivery were not checking me and when they did they thought it was my bladder and not my uterus filling with blood. My pulse was increasing significantly and my BP was bottoming out. I was near death and had to be rushed back to the OR for a D&C and blood transfusions. I am very lucky to be here. I had a hard time bonding with my baby because it was difficult to move due to all the pressing they were doing to get the bleeding to stop. I wish this was in pregnancy books not to scare new moms, but to educate. I did not know how frequently they should be checking me to make sure my uterus was going down. This could have been prevented. I am terrified to get pregnant again, I don't want to leave my child(ren) mother-less. I went to talk with a therapist, she shared I had PTSD and PPD. No one knows what I went through so it is hard for them to understand or know my attachment issues, or why we don't have a second child yet.

caraleeb

Your experience is somewhat like mine, i almost had to have surgery since my placenta was not detaching, i also was not given blood. Its been 3 years now and im fine but it was traumatizing. I've just gone off my meds to have my second, but know i will want them / need them again. Recovery seemed to take a long time and had some problems.

You arent alone. 

deanna1313

I keep reading about blood loss and PPD. Not sure if they are related or it's just coincidental.

I was passing out after delivery with a blood pressure of 78/30 and they found out I lost too much blood causing anemia. I didn't get a transfusion. I ended up with horrible anxiety and I was so down and felt slightly depressed after getting home from the hospital. My little guy is only 2weeks and 4 days old so drs and counselors are waiting to diagnose me with PPD since it could still just be baby blues.
It has been a struggle for me. It is really scary and worries me that I won't ever be my normal self again.