How open are you about your miscarriage?

GracefulStar

Hi Ladies,

This is my first post but I've been lurking for a long time along various boards.  I just went through my first miscarriage.  Found out I was pregnant on New Year's Eve, had a first doc appointment in January but was told the baby was measuring behind but not to be concerned yet (of course I was).  Two weeks later (what would have been 10 weeks) the baby hadn't grown, the doctor said I would miscarry.  I started a few days later, had a natural miscarriage.  My question is, how open are you about your miscarriage?  I expect most people just tell close family and close friends.  For me, only a few people know, however, with summer coming I will be seeing more of my cousins, extended family etc.  The question will be coming (there's a few that always ask) 'so when will you be having your next child' and I'm not sure what to say.  I don't want to be a debbie downer and mention the miscarriage, yet I don't want to deny my baby in heaven's existence either.  A part of me also feels if people know maybe they will come to me if they ever find themselves in the same position (hopefully not) or have been in it before.

I know each person is different, but for you, how open are you?  Is your miscarriage top secret?  Is it something you tell more people about as time has passed?  Is it something you don't like to talk about?  

Thank you for reading!  Wishing you ladies all the best.  You are so strong and have been a great comfort to me!

~Star

gabbagal

That's a very good question that I think about all the time. In some ways, I want to tell lots of people to remove some of the shame and stigma and to let others know they're not alone, but then I also worry about potentially awkwardness or making others uncomfortable by volunteering info that is personal and could be upsetting to some.

Right now, only close friends and family and a select few work colleagues know, and it's helped me to have at least one person in each of those aspects in my life know. I think if people were to ask about my kid situation, I would be straightforward and tell them, since I'm a pretty open person by nature (borderline oversharer) but I haven't been quick to volunteer it so far. I've had urges here and there to post about it on Facebook, again, more for awareness, but always decided against it at the last minute. I think I'll be more likely to tell others as more time has passed and it's less raw.  I also think I'd be more likely to mention it one on one, I wouldn't want to tell a large group of friends or family together and then have to deal with that weird feeling of everyone looking at or talking about you. I don't like being to center of attention.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and wish you all the best too!

arschm02

I've been fairly open. If acquaintances ask I may not say anything, but if it's someone I have a decent relationship with I will talk about it. I feel like it helps me with my grieving process and I also feel that people hear things through the grape vine and so there's this elephant in the room. When I bring it up it kind of gives others permission to talk about the loss. That being said, I would never expect others in the same situation to do the same. You need to do what feels comfortable for you.

BackstreetPixie

At first I didn't want to talk about it. now I talk about it all the time. It has been 3 months since i miscarried my first pregnancy. I write poems, and notes about my experience and out them in facebook. I write about it in status updates. I had over 30 women message me privately about their m/c after I posted. I had one. We had only just announced we were pregnany 4 days before the m/c. Many women who messaged me aphad never spoken about theirs. I found it therepudic to talk with each if them about it and to be open about it. It really helped me to see how common it is and I am not the only one out there crying 3 months later. I also like to educate people about it and have been told by many they wish they had the strenght to talk about it like I do and say the things I have said about it when they never could. So I feel like I am helping them and that it honors my lost Fetey. I also have had a few who have had them after me and since they knew I had gone thorugh it came to me to help them and talk to them. I think it is different for each person but for me, I will always talk about it. I am now dealing with a new helath issue that has cropped up that is preventing me from TTC again until I can push it into remission. I have been diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, an uncureable autoimmune disese in which the body attacks the colon and thinkis it is infected. I finally feel mentally ready to try again and my body decides to pull this... I hope i can get it in remission soon.

BackstreetPixie

Sorry for the typos, typing on my ipad.

KingLED

I'm pretty open about mine. If it comes up in conversation, I don't feel like I'm being a downer by mentioning it. It's life, it happens, it sucks. I don't think it should be hidden away, though. If someone's going to be offended or hurt or annoyed by me mentioning it or talking about the loss of my babies, I have no interest in talking to them so I don't care if I offend them.

I'm also a huge fan of public awareness. So many women go through pregnancy loss and not many talk about it. Last Thanksgiving (with my in-laws and MILs cousins) I had a D&C a week before and since I wasn't up for much I told people why. Turns out several of the ladies there had had miscarriages and we had a really good talk about it and how common it was. It wasn't a sad conversation, just that it's part of life and there's no reason to hide it. It was comforting how open they all were.

I hope you're able to figure out what you're comfortable with. Good luck.

nohalo21

It's only been a little over a week but I have found it helpful to talk about it. Being a late miscarriage, everyone knew I was pregnant. If I didn't tell them, just one look and they would know. I also have had people open up about similair circumstances. I never went public this pregnancy. I suppose it was mother's intuition but I never felt comfortable with the bleeding/spotting that I was having. I agree about public awareness and will most likely share at a later time. I want my daughter's memory to live on and would like to help others who are going through the sane thing.

AggieBeth06

Ticker warning

I'm still trying to figure out.

We announced early, although we were going to wait. Then we had to go through telling people about the loss. I was able to avoid people all last week. I won't be able to do that this week and I'm scared.

LoriMarie1121

I've been open and honest with close friends and family. At my job I've been honest to avoid the question "when are you going to have a baby". It has helped to take some of the pressure off for that question. I've found the more open I am with people the more I find someone who has been in the same situation. For me personal if anyone asks about my pregnancy future I let them know that I was and my baby is in heaven now. You have do what's right for you and your comfort level.

Leahandshaughn

I was super excited about my baby since my husband and I have been trying for 3 years, so when I found out I told the world. Sadly our little angle went naturally a 1 1/2 weeks ago and right now i'm dealing with the "are you ok". Personally I know this sounds rude and people are just being loving but i'm so sick to death of people asking me that. its like I have to share my experience with everyone since everyone wants me to confine in them.

My advice is tell people what you want, you don't have to tell the world if you don't want to. If your not up to seeing people cause you know what you'll be asked don't go, you don't have too. Easter is coming up andmy HD family just had a boom of babies and i'm not going cause I don't want to put myself in that position of seeing something I almost had and being asked "are you ok? are you going to try again soon" its just something I don't feel I need to deal with.

barely

I have been so on the fence about this. I don't really mind if people know. It's a huge deal to me and keeping it "secret" almost feels wrong. We told quite a few people that we were expecting and we, of course, had to tell them what happened. I was ok with that. I went into this from the beginning telling only those that I wouldn't mind telling if things turned for the worst. However, I had major issues with people playing the telephone game (my MIL and sister especially) and I did not appreciate that they did not respect my wishes in not telling anyone. I wanted to be able to chose who and when to tell, and they didn't allow me that. So going forward I'm very conscious about who I tell and who those people might tell because there are certain people that I do not want to discuss it with or do not want discussing it with others. I don't want it to become just another gossip topic, especially at work since I work with all women and they are very gossipy.

MCH77

My 1st loss was discovered at 13w. I wasn't shy about it, but didn't always offer it up either.

My 2nd loss was a c/p. I only new about the pg for a few days. Very few people know about this loss.

My 3rd loss was discovered at 24w. Everyone knows about Timothy. I love every chance I get to say his name. This loss has also made it even easier to talk about my first loss.

Everyone is different. You have to do what fits your life best.

Eveiii

I personally found it hard to talk to people about and have not opened much about it. My main family knows and 4 close friends, my boss (because she notice for a while I was not myself and asked what's wrong and I broke down) and my church pastor.

I find it really hard to talk about and I'm a very sensitive person and people's reactions even if they mean good or I find out they are poop friends can upset me really badly. I also don't like people over fussing about me and asking how I am. I just get so teary and I hate to cry.

I think in the end it's a very personal thing. I do believe you need to at least talk to someone about it, where females we love to talk but when it comes to being very open it's just up to you x

JCM285

I'm so sorry for your loss. The first time I was pg, we told a bunch of friends and family when we thought we made it to 11 weeks, only to find out we had miscarried at 10 1/2. I still don't regret telling them because it was a happy moment for me. In the last pregnancy, we told only our parents and it ended up being the night before I m/ced (ironically). I also told 2 of my close friends because they wanted to hang out that weekend and I didn't feel like lying about why I wasn't up to it. Now I joke with my mom and MIL that the next time we tell them, it will be a "warning" instead of an announcement. This has taken the joy out of announcing or talking about being pg or having m/ced. The only people I talk to about my situation are my therapist, DH, my mom, and my MIL. I don't plan in telling anyone else about my m/cs or future pregnancies until the kid is about to pop out (hopefully I am able to one day get to that point).

Maxsmommy123112

I am so sorry for you loss, first of all. Second of all, I think this is a very personal thing. For me, both times I miscarried few people knew, maybe 10ish. Thats not too many for us. We both have HUGE families. I have found the people that know are not very supportive and rather hurtful in the way they have responded to our losses. That said, everyone reacts to the news differently.

For me, if or when I get pregnant again we will not tell ANYONE...Probably until we are forced to or when I start to show.

When people dont know what Ive been through I cant blame them or be disappointed in them, does that make sense? Almost like I have no expectations so I am not hurt by their reaction to this hard time (or lack thereof). People can say the most ignorant hurtful things when you lose a child to miscarriage. I truly dont think its out of malice but because they are uncomfortable and dont know what to say, although this is not an excuse. It doesnt help that our emotions are so raw and even the smallest well meaning things can set us off.

Hope this made sense. But I will say it again, your family and friends could truly be a blessing during this time. I have a handful of people who are there to support me and for me, thats all I need...Well besides this board of course!

lcmccann

I had to tell the people who knew I was pregnant (close family and friends). I don't want to tell anyone else because I am sick of people asking if I am ok. What do they expect me to say? 

mrssl3813

I am not open about it because I had a CP and I still feel like most people wont see it as a "real loss". I really struggle with this. However people are constantly asking me when we are going to start trying or if we are having a baby any time soon. I want to tell them, but I feel embarrassed that the loss bothers me as much as it does, because it was so early.

gabbagal

@mrssl3813 you shouldn't feel embarrassed, you have every right to be upset, whether you were pregnant for just a few days or a few months. As soon as we get that BFP we have hopes, dreams, and expectations and it hurts to lose them, no matter how long we had them. It's up to you whether you want to talk about it with others, but I hope you let yourself feel and grieve the loss without feeling guilty or embarrassed. Hugs to you! 

Cocoasushi

Up until recently, I never told anyone other than my husband. I lost my son at 19 weeks on march 2nd. Everyone already knew I was pregnant this time, so I've been very open about it and have started talking about previous miscarriages that happened early on. I'm at a point now that I'm comfortable talking about them with most people, but before I felt like they were somehow my fault and that if I admitted them people would look down on me. Now I know that's not the case.

rubylocks7

With each miscarriage (I just had my 3rd) I've told a few more people, but  I'm very careful about who I tell.  It's not that I care if they know, I just don't want to hear the insensitive comments.  With the first couple I kept it a secret mostly so that it would be a big surprise when we did finally have a child, because no one knew we were trying.  Now I want everyone to know so they can stop it with the snide comments suggesting we should have a kid already.  I consider those to be almost as insensitive.

Vintagelove4

The only people that know right now are my H, my best friend, and my birth mom. They were the only ones that knew I was pg. My adopted mom still struggles with her mc.s so I haven't told her or my adopted dad. I love her and I think telling her would hurt more then help. I think maybe one day I'll be able to tell them and then tell other people about my angles; but for right now I treasure them in my heart and with H.

maku

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