Blame it on the cloth (DH vent)

Chichigo

My husband thinks I'm stressed because of the extra work caused by using cloth diapers. It surely has nothing to do with him spending all of his time at home either asleep or playing video games. He did attempt to hold M while I was hanging the diapers to dry (While continuing to play his video game), then put him down after about two minutes. He actually told the baby "I'm putting you in your bed because I'm tired of your shit."

So what do you think? Am I stressed because of cloth diapers causing too much work or because I married a dickhead? Or do cloth diapers cause immature adult men to become dickheads?

Into+the+Kitty

Wtf. Has this happened since before the baby was born, since then, or what?

Chichigo

He has always been an avid gamer. I used to play, too, but that's changed since M was born. He just isn't adjusting well to fatherhood. He feels that he can't do the things he wants because we have a baby, so he increased the amount of time spent playing games.

Chichigo

We've tried talking but end up arguing. He thinks the baby doesn't like him, and I flat out told him I dislike him at times. It was a bitch move, but I thought honesty was best. He just can't see that his actions are affecting me.
We went to counseling during our first year of marriage. I never felt like it did any good; things eventually improved after awhile.
I actually have spent a lot of time contemplating staying with my mom. I just feel that would be drawing a line that might become permanent.

nanabanana06

My SO is the same way. I mean, video games is his life, it's how he pays the bills. Even still, it puts a huge strain on parenting. He can't do X, Y, or Z  due to being in the middle of a Smite game or sumshit. We've made some improvements, but we still struggle. It gets worse when there's a new game coming out or he got into a new beta. I can give little advice, but I can commiserate.

ElleBeeDub

Ugh! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. MH blames my stress levels/lack of spare time on the cloth too... Funny how it doesn't occur to him that maybe if he didn't spend all of his spare time sleeping in and watching tv, I might have less stress... He also had a tough time adjusting to being a dad. He just didn't know what to do with G as a baby. It's getting better now that G is more "interactive," though.

Anyway, I do agree that if you can find a way to communicate (so that he gets it, which is so much easier said than done sometimes) what you need from him, it would help.

*hugs* 

>:D<

KLXVI

Sorry that you are going through this. MH also has/had a hard time adjusting his priorities. It's still hard to get him to plan time for L on the weekends, but we have set up times during the weekday that are his responsibility. He makes breakfast for L while I shower. Then he plays with him and gives him a bottle of milk before bed. These things evolved over time as I requested more help and he felt more comfortable taking care of L. I agree that dads have more fun with babies as they get more interactive. I hope that YH can wakeup and see what he's missing!

Amores0121

Well, yes I do think your husband is being a dickhead. I think video games can make guys dickheads. It certainly does to my DH. When you say "avid" how much time is playing video games a day?  I would talk to him about setting some ground rules regarding the gaming.

When my DH and I moved in together, video games was a serious issue for us. He would just sit there and play and not help out around the house or pay attention to me or DD. We set rules: he can only play after his household things are done, 1 hour limit on the weekdays.  He plays less now, as he has his own business, but he doesn't allways follow the "rules". But at least they are there, so I can remind him--hey, you are going on 1.5 hours, time to get off now!

Maybe you guys can set a fair limit like that.  Like you need to help me with this, and spend x amount of time with baby before you play games.

Honestly, if my DH chooses to game over helping me/spending time with his son when he arrives, I will remove the system from the house until he gets his crap together. 

Chichigo

Thanks for the advice and commiseration, ladies! He sometimes makes an effort but lacks consistency. We are going to ask his parents to watch M so we can have a date night/afternoon.

jcwinsto

IMHO, forget the bargaining and rules and what not.  Rules and bargaining are for children (which is kinda what it sounds like your husband is acting like). He has a child now and he needs to realize that a real life baby comes WAY before video games.  Sounds to me like you are being a single parent.  I would have a "Come to Jesus" talk pretty fast before the habits get too set.  

To be fair, MH has had his share of incidents and I think it is just that sometimes he forgets that he has a real life baby that comes first now.  Whenever he acts like an idiot I simply tell him why (in as calm but firm a way as possible) and that it is not how a dad should be acting.  Does he want his child to grow up exhibiting that same behavior toward you?

jcwinsto

Sorry, didn't mean for it to sound that harsh.  

blondolphn

I'm in the same club. I don't get me time. Dh wonders why I have no desire for sex.....

MAdams728

I'm sorry, OP, that is a bad situation to be in. The video game situation aside, I think that almost all men have problems adjusting to becoming a father. It seems like they just don't have the instincts. My DH did things during the newborn stage that often made me wonder if he really "got it", like getting annoyed that I didn't want to watch a movie after being up for about 24 hours straight. Or using the blender literally 10 minutes after I FINALLY got the newborn to sleep and not understanding why I got mad. And honestly, he's not an idiot, he just didn't think about things.

Men seem to get better when the babies are older, and easier. Video games are a big issue, though, they seem to cause a lot of problems. Good luck!

Robi1

blondolphn said:

I'm in the same club. I don't get me time. Dh wonders why I have no desire for sex.....

Seriously! I tell him this all the time, but he doesn't get it. 

I agree with the pp who suggested just getting rid of the video game system. That was the only thing that worked for us. He still spends time on other hobbies/watching TV, etc, but the video gaming is like a drug for a lot of guys and they have no idea how much time they are spending on it. I think you need to have a serious discussion about him not being a coparent, and let him know that it isn't acceptable and there will be consequences if he doesn't shape up. And if he doesn't, you have to act on it. If he already doesn't spend time with your or LO at your house, how is it any different at your mom's house? At least you'd have some help and support, and it might be a wakeup call for him. I know it sounds like a drastic step, but he is already making a drastic step by not being a parent while lounging around in front of you. You deserve better than that. Good luck. 

nanabanana06

I think if I got rid of my SO's computer and systems so he couldn't play video games I'd be needing to find a new home. I don't see why we have to treat our SO's like children. Video games are not the devil., but you need to find a happy medium. Even if it's waiting until nap time or bed time to do so. Punishing your SO's is not the way to get them to do the things you want. Plus it's not healthy for the relationship to be getting rid of things the other enjoys.

How would you feel if your SO decided you spent too much time sewing or something and got rid of it to teach you a lesson? You wouldn't be too pleased about it.

Mandmeesh

I agree, Nana. I love video games and so does mh. When its break time though, I just say loudly "hey I need help!" My situation is different though bc mh is home with M when I work. But I don't work crazy hours (all the time) and when I'm home, I'm with M. It's a tough situation, especially when you're Already upset with yh

Chichigo

Thanks again for your replies. We spent the whole day together doing things (went to the zoo, a fish fry) and it was a better day.

He limited video game time without me bringing it up again, and helped with other house work after I asked once or twice. He's also being more patient with M. He's also coming to his own conclusions, such as that a hole in the wall restaurant with the best burritos for 20 miles isn't a place to take a baby that's already screaming.

Mandmeesh

Yay. Glad today was better

ElleBeeDub

That's great @Chichigo ! It can be difficult to understand why it's so hard for guys to get with it after a baby, but they really can get there. Keep trying to set aside days for family time. You'll get there. It took DH until G was 18 months before it dawned on him that if he started doing the dishes after dinner, then I would actually WANT to spend time with him before I went to sleep