New here ....loss of a son at 22wks

Jellybean71514

Hi, I am feeling lost right now and need some support - I lost my son last weekend when my water broke on Sunday night - the doctors think it may have been an infection ..... up until then all tests and scans were perfect so I'm feeling like I am living in a fog right now. His funeral is tomorrow and I haven't done much more than sob all day and I am up most of the night. My fiancé has been wonderful and trying his best to take care of all arrangements and being with me while I'm feeling at my lowest. I know time heals but need to understand what you did to help cope? I am desperate to get through this while I know I need to allow myself to grieve. No mother should ever have to understand what it's like to give birth to a baby you will not be taking home but I know you all do understand that in many ways and is the reason why I am reaching out for a little help and advice, thanks so much xo

angelsnight

Ticker warning

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet son.  We love to hear about everyone's angels, do you have a name for him?  I hate that you have to be here, but so glad you found us.  This is really the most supportive board I've ever been on and all of the ladies are so wonderful and understanding.

I too lost my daughter last year at 22 weeks....some doctors say infection, some say it was due to an incompetent cervix.  But either way, you're right, it's a pain no one should ever have to go through.  The best advice I can give for how to get through it is to know you'll never get over it or move on, but one day you can begin to move forward and somewhat heal.  It will always hurt, just not as bad.

Do whatever you need to do to feel it...cry as much as you need, be sad and sit around all day if you have to, work on a project for your son (it was very healing to put together my daughter's memory box)....it's ok to not be ok, and for a long while you won't be ok.

I'm just a few weeks from the first anniversary, and there are still days it hurts just as bad as it did when it first happened...but I asure you it does get easier with time.  Big hugs to you!

stefuge

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little boy.  I agree with angelsnight, just take it one day at a time, let yourself feel whatever you are feeling, and just get it out.  The first few weeks are very numbing due to the shock, and the next few months will be very difficult, but it will get easier.  I hate saying that, because it should not be easy to live without our babies, but you learn what your new "normal" is and adjust. 

A couple things that have helped me:  this board - these ladies are amazing, and strong, and supportive, and always, always here.  Please know we are here for you as well whenever you need us.  I also have had a lot of healing through writing.  I blogged all through my pregnancy and have continued through our loss, and it has really helped me to express my feelings, and get them out.  Another big step was when MH and I started doing grief counseling together.  It really helped us to have a space to talk, to understand how we are grieving differently, and to have a professional there to facilitate and listen. 

Again, I am so sorry that you find yourself here.  ((Hugs))

ikrystal

I am so sorry for your loss.  Your story sounds a lot like mine.  Perfect pregnancy until 22 weeks, when I went into the hospital with contractions. My water never broke on its own, but I did get an infection (Chorio).  They believe it caused the labor.  I lost my sons, Conner and Benjamin, on January 10th.  

I always say there are no magic words for this situation.  Everyone grieves differently, and I can only hope my advice may be of some use to you.  Let yourself grieve.  I once read that you have to let grief sit with you and let it go on its own, when its ready.  You can't force it.  Whatever emotions you feel, let yourself feel it.  You'll feel sadness, anger, guilt, despair - often all at once.  You cant stop it though.  Its normal and it shows that you love your baby.

The only things that helped me were writing, because I didnt want to forget a single second of my sons' birth and my pregnancy.  I also found a ton of support here on these boards, and as weird as it sounds - this is the only place where I feel like I belong and am understood.  I also found comfort reading memoirs of other mothers who have lost their babies.  It made me feel less alone, and more understood.  Lean on the people you can trust.  People will say hurtful things.  It is ok to distance yourself from them.  

If you ever need to talk, PM me.  

Noethola

***Ticker warning***

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. Coping is different for each person. Counseling or a support group might be helpful. I agree that I found solace in doing something for my daughter: I started writing her letters to tell her all that was going on and how much she was missed. 

Jellybean71514

Thank you all so much for responding to my post ..... my heart feels so heavy right now and your words are so familiar and comforting. I too have been finding the stories on here the best form of support knowing every woman here understands the pain I'm feeling right now that to others for me have been so hard to describe. My fiancé and I have been communicating constantly and agree that the funeral tomorrow will be the hardest thing yet for us to endure but is the first step to closure and a time for us to put him (my son's name is Joseph) to rest with his great grandparents. I think this will get us on a road to continue to grieve as we need to but not forget and try to start to feel and understand a new normal. I am so glad to have found you all at this time where I feel I'm breaking but trying so hard to cope as best as I can.
Thank you again and I will be in touch soon xoxo

schulme2

I am so sorry for your loss of Joseph. I hate to welcome you here but hope this board will continue to be a source of comfort in the coming weeks and months as you begin to heal. Thinking of you on this very difficult day and sending strength and hugs to you!

kz's_girlygirl

I am so sorry for the loss if your son, Joseph.

I had a very similar situation as well- my water broke and I had an infection but the drs can't say one way or the other which came first- infection or dilation bc of IC.

It's an awful thing to deal with and sometimes nothing seems to help-that's ok too. For me, i forced myself to get out of bed (even if I was noon) take a shower and put on a little makeup almost every day just for a sense of normalcy. I don't even know what I did the rest of the day before going back to bed at 7 or 8 pm. That's really as much as I could muster at first. Don't rush yourself to go to the store, see people, make dinner etc if you don't feel ready.

Making the final arrangements for a burial are really tough as well, but you can do it. I was actually ok making cremation arrangements for our son- it was one of the only things I would ever be able to do for him, As grim as it is.

I am thinking of you and hoping for comfort and healing in the days and weeks ahead.

VyD81

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, Joseph. Hugs.

LyndseyTS

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one, Joseph. I lost my daughter last week at 21 weeks 2 days as well and gave birth to her this past Friday. It sounds like we are in similar place (mentally and emotionally). I don't have much advice to give you because it's all still very fresh to me as well, but they say time helps. I've taken up writing a to do list with one or two things on it (and trust me, they can be very small things, like "make breakfast" or "get the mail") to try to do something "normal" every day. Remember that your body is still healing too, so take the downtime you need for both your physical and emotional healing. None of us can fix it or make it better, but this really is such a supportive group. Thinking of you at this time.

OutOfStep81

Ticker warning

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I love his name, Joseph

I know exactly what you mean about being in a fog. I also feel like it isnt real and keeps hitting me in doses.

I too had to give birth to my daughter knowing I couldn't take her home. I never got to hear her cry. Her heart quit beating and we discovered it at my routine appt. Everything was perfect up until then.

Planning her funeral was hard. I felt like I couldn't make a decision and when I did I panicked thinking it was the wrong one.

We all cope differently. One piece of advice that was given to me was to allow my emotions to happen as they happened. Don't ever feel like you 'shouldn't' feel a certain way. Angry, calm, sad... Whatever it is you experience in different moments, know it's normal. I feel the full range at different times. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Also, keep talking to your fiancé. Both of you. It's the most important thing to do. And let each other grieve as you are. You'll do it differently and you may not understand how other can grieve a certain way, but know it's all normal.

I'm still in the mindset of taking one day at a time. It helps keep me from feeling overwhelmed. Praying for peace and blessings to you and your family. *big hugs*

MCH77

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Joseph. Beautiful name. ((Hugs))

milb11

I am so sorry for your loss of your precious Joseph. 

My BF also planned the funeral so I didn't have to deal with it. For that I am eternally grateful. I agree that the first few weeks I just felt numb. I cried everyday, multiple times a day. I slept with the little cap he wore in the hospital and looked at his pictures often. Even though that made me cry, it was sort of comforting.

It does get better. It has been 8 weeks since I lost my Elijah. Even though still cry a lot and have a lot bad days (yesterday), I've had a few good days scattered in between. Today I went to Zumba for the first time and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I laughed at myself for being uncoordinated and at the elder gentleman in front of me who was dancing his butt off. Today was a good day. You will have good days again. Just give yourself time. Big Hugs! 

Wyn

I am so sorry about the loss of Joseph.  I delivered our son at 21 weeks last October so I think I too understand the fog you described.  When you can, accept the support of friends and family--meals, etc.  People do care and want to help.  And try to do something somewhat active every day...short walks are good...

The ladies here also said much of what I would say, the only thing I would add is:  if you need extended time off work, ensure you know your options.  I took a week off assuming sick time was my only choice (stupid me) only to figure out later there were several more options that no one told me about.  Hugs to you!

Jellybean71514

Hi everyone, I just wanted to let you know I got through Joseph's funeral yesterday it was the hardest thing I hope I will ever have to experience. I also just finished reading all of your posts - your words are so powerful and comforting I can not thank you enough for taking the time to encourage me, offer your condolences and wise words of support to help me through this time. I am trying my best to keep faith and give myself time to grieve. I've spent most of my day in bed and want to try to shower and get at least one thing accomplished. Thinking also about work and how unhappy I've been there is leading me to make a decision not to go back. I want a fresh start and had no plans to return after the baby was born so I feel that is what I want to continue to do- take time for me and to figure out what's next for my fiancé and I while I look into doing other things. he is and has been completely supportive of my feelings and need to start over with a new normal and a new life. We talk about trying again for a baby and while I want nothing more than to have one it terrifies me completely. Right now I have no children and I am 38yrs old so trying again is something I am determined to do but still scares me. I know I'm rambling on but my mind is still really foggy with scrambled thoughts and a heavy heart- even the thought of showering now seems like such a incredible effort but feel I need to do something. I have also my health to take care of knowing I have a brain tumor that has probably grown since the baby was conceived- I basically was preparing for radiation to stop the growth when I found out I was pregnant so put off the treatment of course - the tumors I get are non cancerous and something I've been dealing with for over 10yrs and have already had 2 removed- it is something I will live with for the rest of my life so I continue to monitor it and now feels like the time to go back and finish what I need to before trying for another baby- all of this again is just scrambled thoughts but appreciate anyone who took the time to read them. Thanks again for the hugs and kind words while I get through this stage of the process and grieve xoxo

jonahsma

Thinking of you today..

I am sorry for the loss of your son Joseph...

Please know that we are all here anytime you need support.

Take time to grieve . Grief will come in waves. I am so sorry you are going through this right now.

BIG HUGS TO YOU 

Mrodriguez898

I am so sorry for your loss. I really does take time and a great support group to get through it. As much as I wanted to stay at home and wallow in my misery, my family stayed by my side and made me realize I am not te only one this had happened to and that eventually you will smile again.
Until then, lots of hugs and prayers from me to you

Jellybean71514

Thank you for your support this board has been helping me so much I can't begin to explain how powerful your words are coming from women who understand the pain. Mornings seem to be hardest for me but I am getting myself up and showered thanks to my fiancé who has been my incredible rock even knowing how much he's hurting too. Today is his 40th birthday so I intend to make every effort to be there with him and tackle the day. You're right the sadness comes in waves - we took my nephew to the movies last night and as much as I thought being with that little boy would hurt it gave me comfort and I know that while my little boy isn't here there are 2 (I have 2 beautiful nephews 2yrs and 8yrs old) that light up when I see them .... I can only take those smiles as comfort and try to enjoy the living right now because we are still here and life will go on with goodness.