New Girlfriend

newmompeanut

Hi! I'm new to this board, but I'm really hoping that some of you can weigh in and give me some of your wisdom. 

I have a DD that's just over a year with my ex-husband.  We've got a great co-parenting relationship together and as a whole I don't have any complaints about that at all.  What I'm looking for advice on is how to go about meeting his new gf.  In our parenting contract it states that before a new significant other can meet our daughter that the ex gets to meet them in hopes that the ex will feel more comfortable with LO being around the new gf.  So my XH approached me to meet his new gf.  (I do not feel like the relationship is serious enough for DD to become involved but my XH does.)  How did you/would you go about meeting a new gf?  Where?  Would you have it be just you two?  Would you ask her questions to get to know her better?  I really don't want it to be an interview-like thing, but I would love to get to know her!

TIA!

CurlieWhirlie

I can't speak from your perspective, but I can speak from the point of view of the new girlfriend — when I met my SO's ex-wife, we had dinner just the two of us. It was very pleasant. Not like an interview, but it gave us a chance to get to know each other without the pressure of anyone else being there. Plus I think it was easier for her to take me as I am as an individual, rather than meeting me *with* her ex. 

acbarbour

In my experience all adults met at playground or Mickey D's playplace when it was bad outside and just did basic introductions (we did this a few times).  I didn't really ask anything more than regular GTKY questions that I would ask about a co-worker or new member at a church other than her experience with children.  I did explain allergies, necessary medical information, and supply a direct form of contact for her to reach me, JIC.  I wouldn't stress about it, if you have a good relationship with your ex then I would expect this to go well. 

alb2411

No advice from the BM perspective, but as a former "new girlfriend" who is now the wife and stepmom, let me say I commend you for wanting to take the time to get to know this woman and form a positive relationship. The BM in my situation said "hi" and turned away when we met and has never spoken a word to me since, and we've seen each other regularly for the past three years. The weirdness that comes with that type of "relationship" is way more stressful than any awkward first meeting ever could have been, even if she had straight up interviewed/grilled me. Just be sincere and go in without judgement, even if you feel the relationship isn't serious enough for this step yet, and I'm sure you will both be fine. Chances are if you are open to her, she will be more open to you.

sgoodsel

Wow, you sound like a wonderful mom to be so open to meeting this new person in you DD's life! I wish my husband's exwife would have been like you! 

I would keep it short, since you don't know anything about her. She could want to be really involved with DD's life, or not. She might not be familiar with stepparenting and offer her opinion way to much for you. Or she could be awesome. 

Maybe just grab a coffee, that way if things are uncomfortable it can be pretty quick. Or if things are going well you can talk longer.

Good luck!

newmompeanut

Thank you all for your input! 

I am going to talk to my XH tonight about the meeting and see what the new gf's thoughts are too.  I want her to be as comfortable as possible so that we can truly get to know each other.  I really like the idea of her and I grabbing dinner though.  It would be really nice to start off the relationship between the two of us where she knows she doesn't always have to go thru my XH if she wants to talk to me.

Thanks again!  I really appreciate it

whse13kittens

From the new girlfriend/stepmom perspective, don't take it personally if she doesn't want to meet you without your XH there. My DH and his XW had been divorced for 9 years and had a great, friendly relationship when we got together. I was around both my stepsons before I met her, and the boys had apparently expressed how much they liked me and she wanted to meet me.

But I have severe social anxiety...it took me 2 months after her request AND my DH (BF at the time) being there holding my hand to actually meet her. It was not a long or extremely interrogating introduction and she was super nice about it, but I was panicking the whole time. Now we're very friendly with each other and have spent time together at kids functions without my DH and it's been great. But I never would have been able to meet her on my own for the first time.

Just something to keep in mind!

+just+j+

It really can be as simple as meeting for coffee or lunch.

newmompeanut

So here's the update:

We met at the children's museum and N came with.  The whole time could not have gone better!  She's a really sweet girl and seems to treat R really well.  I don't really have any fears anymore about her being around N.    Thank you all for the support and advice!!  I appreciate it more than I can tell all of you!

Nineoceans

That's a great update! Thanks for sharing

Mjmac

Well, my ex and I don't have that great of a relationship, but my boyfriend is involved with my son, we've only been together for 3 months but I know he's the one, my son is also 3. I think it's hard to base someone else's relationship, understandably wanting to protect your child but if he feels like he's ready to have this woman enter the family, maybe meet her and see wha it's all about?

bluesmiley78

I didn't have to meet BM but I did have to meet her family as they are very involved on step daughters life. I think I had only been dating hubby for maybe 3 weeks when I met them. We have been together for 4 years, married 2 and I am just starting to feel that grandma doesn't think I know nothing and might actually like me. It is a really hard position to be in to be the one who has to come in from the outside.

You can't say it's been too short a time to have been dating someone. I knew from the 2nd date I was going to be with now hubby for a very long time.

newmompeanut

@NewMomma8, I applaud you for wanting to get to know the ex!  It's strange to me that she doesn't share the same feelings about getting to know you.