Letting Go of Anger

bunnybun4

DH and I had a long conversation last night about how I've changed since our losses- mainly how I am still very affected by my anger towards other people (esp. towards people that have/are having healthy pregnancies).  He says he can tell that I am just extremely frustrated with life right now and it is eating me alive. 

My SIL had twins a month before Bunny was due...that really has been a big source of anger/jealousy for me.  It has gotten soooo much better but I still have my moments.  My boss announced his pregnancy to a PRN employee in my earshot 2 days after I got back from having a d&c with my second loss- he and his wife were 5 weeks pregnant, I had a mc at 8-9 weeks (he knew about all of our losses).  It REALLY hurt...and in turn I was really mad at him and his wife (who is also a good friend of mine) for a long time...I still get mad at them.  We also had a couple annouce their pregnancy at a group dinner when I was just 2 months out from losing Bunny, one girl screamed, 'welcome to the club, mama." and a guy said, "who is next??" and started making his way around the table...fortunately he didn't say our names or I would have LOST it.  I did lose it in the car on the way home.  These three experiences were extremely traumatic and painful for me...sometimes I play them over and over in my head.  Sometimes I want to tell them how much they hurt me with their words and their lack of thinking about how painful it would be to put me in a situation like that  (minus my SIL...she never has done anything to me).  DH says that it is time to quit replaying them over in my head and it is time to just let go.  He says sometimes he can tell that I go looking for someone to say the wrong thing and in ways I think he is right.

I can handle pregnancy announcements now but they still make me really angry...I still go over and over in my head of why I deserve a sucessful pregnancy and how the other person has no idea the blessing they are recieving and I feel that they take it for granted.  I hate being like this and being this person.  As DH said last night, "Those people are just living their lives...it has nothing to do with you."

Don't get me wrong- for moms that are newer in their grief I totally think that anger is a big part of the process and a healthy step to recognize and work through...but I'm getting close to a a year and a half out from my big loss and it's time to let go of some of it and live my life not focusing on what other people have and what I don't have.

I guess my question is...how do you do it (if you have managed to let it go)?  How do you release the anger because frankly I don't know how.  I've been living like this for so long and am so eaten up by it, it's like I don't know how to do anything else.  I guess I just need some insight from people who have done it or are actively doing it.

sorry for the novel...thanks for reading.

veetveet

Are you going to counseling? Working with your doctor?

I'm 4 weeks out from my loss (27 weeks termination).... babies/pregnancy don't bother me (I also have a 3 year old so that could be why).... it's just the stupid comments from people that make my blood boil.... specifically those that are closest to me. (Bff prego with twins told.me.the other day if I am feeling the urge I could borrow one of hers.... REALLY??- and that was the firat conversation we've had since it happened)

Unfortunately we will always live with what life handed to us. Others have no clue or concept and their lives simply just go on.

angelsnight

Ticker warning

Honestly, I don't know.  Anger is still probably the strongest emotion I have almost a year later.  I wouldn't say it affects my daily life, but I still get very angry over things people have said, assumptions they make, etc.  I think it is just a part of grieving, especially in the loss of a child because it is just so senseless.

I miss my grandparents, but I am not angry over their death because they lived a good long life, they died within weeks of each other and are together in Heaven.  In the end is was beautiful.  But there is no sense to our angels dying before they even got a chance to live.  I do go to therapy, which I think helps.  It's good to have an outlet to be able to talk about my anger.

jess123456

I am so sorry. I can relate to this as well.

Like your husband, mine can't understand why I would be angry at someone's pregnancy when it has absolutely nothing to do with us. Oh men!! If I didn't already know the stereotypical differences between genders, grief sure brings it out in full force!

I can't remember if you are currently going to a therapist or not but mine has helped me with this though I am still definitely a work in progress and might always be. I have lots of similar thoughts to you. For example, my sister recently had an anatomy scan and she was so worried about the gender!?? Like she admitted losing sleep about it! The gender?!! That just made my blood boil. I was so angry at her because I was also so envious that she was that naive to not even be concerned about the health of the baby. I was angry because I will ALWAYS have those fears and she doesn't. Of course I would never wish this experience on anyone but why must I have these fears because I lost my daughter to a terminal diagnosis and she is so naive to not even think that it could happen to her child?

My therapist offered some suggestions on how to deal with the anger. First, when you are angry try to think about what it is that is triggering that. Is it jealousy (that is the root of a lot of my anger) or something else? I know for me, it's often that it is just not fair and so and so doesn't have to worry about xyz or I feel like they aren't deserving of something. I think often times that anger comes from frustration too. Writing thoughts out might help you see this more clearly.

My therapist recommended having an internal dialog with myself and recognize that xyz made me really angry and to then validate your feelings. I know I often times have guilt for feeling angry at someone and the truth is that as it relates to pregnancy I have every right to feel angry and so do you.

However, sitting with anger makes me feel very bitter and dark inside and before my losses I really can't remember ever being this way. I often times feel like I have morphed into this totally different version of myself.

I think a release is very helpful to ease the anger a bit. A friend of mine uses a punching bag and goes to kickboxing classes to release some of that anger in a healthy way. For me, I go to a meditation group every week and it helps to bring a sense of calm to myself when the whole world just doesn't seem like it makes any sense.
One of the biggest things I have taken away from meditation is that letting go doesn't mean that you are being passive about something (such as anger) or trying to forget something. Rather it is really quite the opposite. You are taking control of whatever it is that you are trying to let go of and coming to terms with it without letting it take over.

I also recently completed the couch to 5k program because I was in desperate need of finishing something and having a sense of accomplishment/success and that helped me to take some control back of feeling like a complete failure. Following a yummy recipe and making dinner is very soothing too because I can finish something that I set out to do. I know it sounds ridiculous but it does help because I often get angry about feeling like a failure when everyone else appears to be so successful with pregnancy and that rubs off into feeling like a failure in all sorts of other ways too.

I think it's a really big step for you to recognize that you need to make a change. You are an incredibly strong woman who has been through so much and you have every right to feel angry because let's face it, it is just not fair. You have managed to pick yourself up so many times and that takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength. I know you might not see if that way, but it is very true. Sorry for my novel too

kflynn81

I just blogged about this kinda the other day. I'm really trying to let go of my anger and we do have a counselor but it's still so difficult to do. I honestly can't stand to hear about pregnancies or babies right now and honestly I have a few friends having babies between any day and September and I'm avoiding them like the plague. I just can't deal with it right now.

princezjk

***Sig Warning***

First, ((((BIG HUGS)))).  My IRL support group has had a similar discussion.  It seems that all of us, in our different stages of grief always seem to come back to the emotion of anger.  So, I don't think you need to feel that you should be past anger because of any given timeline.  I think all loss moms will always struggle to balance their anger.  I can understand your concern if it is controlling or dictating your actions, but I don't think the answer is so much in letting go of your anger as it is taking control of it.  

I think it is so easy for others to say, "just let it go".  But I think for many of us the anger is tied into so many other emotions of grief and love that "letting go" isn't possible.  I wish I could give you better direction in this, but I think it is something that each person comes to in her own time.  Anger still seems to be present for me in most emotions, but I've been able to at least experience it with other emotion simultaneously.  I hope that with time it will be less and less present in my life. 

If you aren't currently seeking counseling, I would definitely recommend it.  Obviously every person is different, but for me it has been really helpful in processing my grief.

bunnybun4

as always, y'all are awesome.  It's nice to not feel alone.

I was seeing a therapist for a while after my loss until this fall when we both agreed that I was in a good place to stop going.  It may be time to go back for at least a few visits. 

It's funny because now that I am addressing this it feels like I am grieving the letting go part.  It makes me really sad to be taking bigs steps to release it....it's weird but it also feels very cleansing in a way.

thank y'all for all of your support, as always.

schulme2

marylaurena said:

I still go over and over in my head of why I deserve a sucessful pregnancy and how the other person has no idea the blessing they are recieving and I feel that they take it for granted.  I hate being like this and being this person. like I don't know how to do anything else.

This!! I feel like I could've written this whole thing myself! I wish I had an answer for you and for me. I'm sorry I can't be helpful but at almost 10.5 months out, I still feel that anger too.

I did just read this earlier and it really spoke to me with a lot of the things I'm feeling. https://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/new-envy-rises/

stefuge

I don't have any good advice - I feel like my anger and bitterness and jealousy are just getting worse as more time passes.  When I am feeling overwhelming angry over something, I try to release it in some way.  Writing about it has helped me the most, I feel like I can express myself and then leave the anger on the page and I feel better.  Exercising has also helped just to work out the aggression.  I wish I knew what to say.  I am currently feeling so bitter and jealous of all the babies and pregnancies around me that I feel like I am choking on it.  When I hear someone is pregnant, my first thought is "Of course they are!" completely sarcastically.  Ugh.  I hate that I feel like this, but I don't know how to get past it, either.

Xath

***ticker warning***

I initially had a very difficult time after Eleanor's loss going out into the world and seeing people with healthy babies.  I didn't have a super-anger issue with most pregnant people or new parents, except in the cases where it seemed like the parent was blatantly irresponsible and didn't appreciate what they had in their child.  I remember sitting in the hospital trying to distract myself with television after Ellie died and seeing a commercial for the "Jersey Shore" where they were highlighting how Snooki had just left her newborn to go partying and being incredibly and irrationally angry.  (I've never actually seen the show, so I have no context for this; it was just my reaction to the commercial).  

Therapy definitely helped.  The thing I had to realize was that the root of the anger I was feeling wasn't really directed towards other mothers.  I was jealous that they existed in a state of blissful ignorance that I had known only a few months before, and I was terrified that they would end up going through what we did and be completely unprepared like I was.  What I came to realize was that I would never ever ever wish what I've experienced on another person, no matter who that person was.  I try to take that jealousy of their ignorance of the horrendous possibilities and channel it into gratitude that nothing so terrible has ever happened to them that would make them lose that bliss.  And I do those things with the full realization that if the worst were to happen to them, I'd be willing to be right there for them to help them through it.  

weddedwife

I'm 2+ years out from my loss and I still can't let go of it, so I don't know what to tell you. Some of it is valid, IMO- I lost my son, some people did/said some really insensitive things or turned away from us, etc. But much of it is stuff I have internalized and rehashed so much that it's escalated beyond what it originally was. I'm mad and jealous about others' healthy pregnancies while at the same time terrified they may lose their baby too. I replay certain things people said, which serves no one, least of all me. And I am still mad about the way some people reacted or didn't react to our loss. I'm blaming people who didn't know what to do or say in an inexplicable situation, for not knowing what to say or do. It makes no sense, but there it is.

What I can tell you is that anger is a big part of this. Everyone I've met in the loss community will probably agree. It's ugly and not someplace that any of us probably want to be, but at least we are not here alone.

Jesse835235

Ticker.., Idk how to take it off on mobile.

Being angry is normal. However, it's something that we all want to get over. I am 9 days out from my loss, but it was an expected prognosis. I went to baby showers knowing I was going to lose my baby and I have another baby shower next weekend. Just like the rest of you, I'm also surrounded by announcements and it's so difficult. For some reason, I don't feel angry by them. Sad for myself, yes. So much. I think the reason I for feel angry is that I know how much pain we went though in our journey and eventual loss, that I would never want that to happen to my worst enemy. I do think all of us have a different perspective on how much of a blessing it is to have a healthy baby and it's okay to shake our heads when people are blissfully ignorant about it, but at the same time we should be happy for them that they don't have to feel the same hurt that we did.

It's so hard for all of us and we all handle things differently. This is just how I see it, for whatever it's worth.