A few thing I have ordered have been marked as delivered on Friday and Saturday but I actually didn't get them. I decided to call Amazon to figure out what my next step is and both kids teamed up to embarrass the shit out of me.
Let me set the scene: A2 hasn't pooped in close to three days and is a ravenous beast lately (growth spurt? who the fuck knows) so she's on the boob. A1 is running around the house shouting "I FLY LIKE A CHICKEN WITH THE FACE OF A MONKEY!" (I'm pretty sure only @quartermisses
will understand that sentence).
So I'm whisper-shouting at A1 to shut up because I am on the phone, and of course the rep picks up as soon as I say "for the love of Mary, Jesus, and Joseph, be quiet!". Lovely. After profusely apologizing she chuckles and assures me it's ok.
About 5 minutes into the call she starts looking up my items to re-order so the line is very, very silent. A2 decides that right then and there was the perfect opportunity to work on crapping her brains out. And I'm like:
Girlfriend is farting like a man and doing all sorts of grunts and the CS rep says "Uhhh... m'am?" and I was mortified!
I start just rambling and it was all mumble jumble word vomit - "Oh, Oh God, you heard that? I am so... wait, no, it's not what you think. I am not pooping. I mean, I am not in the bathroom. Oh God. I am feeding my baby and, oh this is so embarrassing - she's the one you hear. She's so constipated and - oh, you don't need to hear this." I COULDN'T SHUT UP.
The rep, again, reassured me that she understood and not to worry about it. I wanted to just die. A1 also walked into the room and said "It STINKS in here!", but at that point I have already hit rock bottom. She was able to one-day me my missing items and bid me farewell. When I told DH about this call he reminded me how they record almost every call to use it for training purposes. Dear 9lb 8oz baby Jesus, please do not use me as your guinea pig for future Amazon training. Because I'm sure people will be think I'm like: