Intro! Excited but Scared and Nervous too!

cmenasco

I have been following this board for a few months now and it finally looks like I will be joining all you wonderful people!  My SO and I have a LONG history that pretty much started when I was 19....then broke up, back together, broke up and then back together 5 years ago (Im now 37 - yikes!).  We now have one step-son (his) that is 11 and then two boys of our own (3 yrs and 9 mo).  We have been on the extremely up and down roller coaster of alcoholism and co-dependency for years and this last Nov.  I finally called it quits.  I asked him to go to rehab or I was done.  He went.  He has been sober (with one relapse) and doing well at that aspect, but has been a "dry drunk" since.  He still has tons of emotional issues and I can't wait around any longer for him to figure out how to love.  He has been a loving father to the boys, but has not been a loving husband or even doing 30% of his share of child care.  I think he has changed maybe 3 diapers??  But the hard part is of course I still love him, want him to get better but I finally have seen that I need to work on my happiness and work on my co-dependency issues.  So, our house just happen to sell this month, and we are splitting up/separating.  I'm not 100% sure it is forever, but time for us to think clearly and find our happiness.    Now my biggest concern is finding something that will work for the boys.....and working out visitations.  He are both so far trying to work something out that we are both happy with, but any suggestions that work well for littles....9 mo is so young and he is still 100% breastfeeding.  My SO has 50/50 of the 11 year old and I remember how hard that was for him at 4 years old....it was HARD on him.   I want the boys to have their time with dad, but want a stable place for them to have as well.....arggg   OK sorry this was so long and Im rambling now!!  Thanks for having me and I hope to get to know you guys better!

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MinnesotaMomma91

Okay im going to say something you might not like.

Decide if you are going to be with him or not. It is not fair to your kids to go.back and forth with their dad.

It will give them the idea that an unhealthy relationship is normal and okay. Dont do that to your kids.

I dont have any advice about custody.

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MinnesotaMomma91

I got you boo boo. I have no problem being the board bitch

freeatlast2014

I'm trying to figure this out too and it is really hard. Here is a great article I found

https://www.barrygoldstein.net/important-articles/shared-custody

I was lucky enough to have a iPhone conversation with the author (a domestic violence and custody expert out if NYC) and learned a lot from him. Good luck and its great to have this board I'm learning.

hopanka

I suggest looking for a support group specifically for SO's of alcoholics. Or private therapy, someone who specializes in codependent relationships and substance abuse. I think that since you have left and come back to him several times in the past, it shows you may not be able to do this successfully on your own. You will need someone to support you in your quest. Your kids need you stable and with a clear vision whats next. There is nothing shameful in admitting that it may be too overwhelming to achieve on your own. Get professional help. Your kids will be much better off in the long run when there is stability put in place. And don't think in absolutes right now. Words like "never again" and "forever" are scary and intimidating. They are also depressing, which you do not need right now. Besides: Who knows what will be in 5 years. Take care of one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

20thirteen

I can't remember the name of the app, but there is an app that is disguised as a news app, you open it and its supposed to help victims of domestic violence.  Once I figure out the name of it, I'll post it.  Good for anyone who knows someone who is a victim.

jellybean529

It's called Aspire News

MinnesotaMomma91

there is a support group for loved ones and family and friends of alcoholics. its called alanon. I tried to get my xh to go since his dad was an alcoholic and substance abuser. 

20thirteen

Thanks @mrs.tbc

cmenasco

Thank you all for the advice!  Yes I am seeing someone for help.....which gave me the courage to finally leave.  And we are not going back and forth (that was all before kids) any longer.  I will ONLY go back if he deals with his issues and he too gets help (which is not going to be easy, and may never happen) but I can't give up 100% on the love of my life and father of my kids if he is truly able and willing to get help and try as well.....not yet at least.  but at the same time I am not going to put my life on hold and wait 10 years to let him figure his shit out.  I am also going to Alanon and trying to work on my issues as well.  Thanks again for listening and support!!

MinnesotaMomma91

 

cmenasco said:

Thank you all for the advice!  Yes I am seeing someone for help.....which gave me the courage to finally leave.  And we are not going back and forth (that was all before kids) any longer.  I will ONLY go back if he deals with his issues and he too gets help (which is not going to be easy, and may never happen) but I can't give up 100% on the love of my life and father of my kids if he is truly able and willing to get help and try as well.....not yet at least.  but at the same time I am not going to put my life on hold and wait 10 years to let him figure his shit out.  I am also going to Alanon and trying to work on my issues as well.  Thanks again for listening and support!!

oh for fucks sake. No, if you leave stay gone. I was best friends with my sons dad. i had this conversations with him countless times about his wife. those two fight break up get back together pop out a kid and the cycle starts all over again.

His four year old thinks its totes normal for parents not to live together for months at a time. If you leave stay gone. You have kids, lead by example. My bf and I have had a terrible volatile border line abusive relationship in the past, WHEN WE DIDNT HAVE KIDS. Then we had C and Bentley and we knocked that shit right the hell off. We have had maybe four fights in the last year and a half. We wont do this on again off again bullshit anymore. 

And on a final note. Chances are good this guy wont shape up. Unless hes admitting that there is a problem and he needs to change hes not going to. 

20thirteen

^^ agree. My BD admits he has a problem but does not give one single fuck about changing anything to help himself. Even if that means more contact with his kid. I mean, if that's even what he wants.

tig594

This is a tough situation.  I've been through some of the same things and have to say, if he's REALLY trying he does deserve some credit.  Alcoholism is a terrible disease and I can't even imagine what it's like to try to kick it.  I've been through counseling a couple times through one of BD's rehab facilities.  I've been to AA meetings with BD and have a ton of respect for those people who are trying to stop drinking.  It's heartbreaking hearing their stories and about what they've lost.  My former step-dad is also a recovering addict and spent years in NA and has been clean for 20+ years.  When you start the process they say you need 90 meetings minimum in 90 days.  You also aren't supposed to be in a relationship for a year because you're supposed to be focusing on yourself.  Is he going to meetings regularly?  Does he have a sponsor?  If he's truly committed to stopping he'll admit he needs these things, imo.  If he isn't taking these steps you need to go.

That said, it's not a fun ride for him, you or the kids.  If he's become angry while he's dealing with quitting you just have to let him work through it.  Hopefully, he's getting counseling or has a professional to talk to about these things.  Just know, YOU CANNOT FIX HIM.  You CAN encourage him along the way and continue going to alanon meetings, which I definitely recommend.  You also cannot lose yourself in this relationship.  Go hang out with your friends, take a class, do something fun for YOU.  Remember, your BD is not himself anymore.  He's the product of his addiction.  

As far as the current state of your relationship, I think it's wise for you to live apart for the time being.  He may not like it and may think you've abandoned him.  You have a responsibility to do what's best for you and your kids.  It isn't about you and what you want anymore.  And it is hard, because, even though you know better, you continuously ask yourself why you and your kids aren't enough to make him want to kick his habit.  It has nothing at all to do with you and your kids.

Down the road, if you do decide to get back together, take it slow.  Don't just move right back in with him.  Make him court you.  Go on dates.  Get to know each other again.  Have fun together and give it time so you can make sure he isn't going to relapse or the new person he is is someone you want to be with.  

Sorry if this post seems kind of all over the place.  My brain does that when I start thinking about this issue because DD's daddy is usually involved somehow.  Hopefully I've been a little help and if you ever want to chat you can PM me here or find me on facebook. 

cmenasco

Thank you Tig594 - you hit it right on the nose for me....he is trying, he is going to meetings, he really wants to change.....just can he and how long will it take if he can.  I am proud of him that he is trying to make the changes for himself and the kids, I just really really hope that he can do it for a healthier him and the boys.  Time will tell......