Sole legal-is it really that hard to get?

freeatlast2014

My lawyer said not to get hung up on "sole" and "joint". To me that seems like a big deal. Is it that hard to get? Isn't it a big deal? I don't want to be discussing every little detail with someone who is irresponsible and irrational and who didn't really take an interest when we were/are married.

SimpleJane

Yeah. It's very difficult. You pretty much have to prove the other parent is abusive, abandoned the child, or something VERY serious. And you need a long history of it in black and white from what I understand. If the other parent wants to be involved the courts will let them unless you have very good documented reasons why it's unsafe.

+just+j+

There is no way you will get sole unless as Simple Jane stated, the parent is a documented abuser and proven to be completely unhealthy to be around the child. Or he has completely abandoned his child and even that takes time. Just because he left the parenting up to you and was checked out in your marriage is not enough. Request every other weekend with primary custody. That's the best you will probably get. More than likely he will not be an active father if he wasn't in the marriage. But, it's up to the state and the judge. My state prefers it to be joint and 50/50. Because my ex lived 1 1/2 hours away at the time of the divorce, he agreed to every other weekend and that's why I lucked out.

MommyEllenSue

I agree with the pp'ers. It is extremely hard. You will have to have a lot of hard proof that a relationship with bd is not in the best interests of the children.

freeatlast2014

Thanks ladies. I appreciate the input.

Wyn

Sole legal in my state is about major decision making (health care, education, religion).Physical custody is about the time spent with each parent (and determines child support) Based on the other replies maybe it is not so elsewhere?

freeatlast2014

Yes I was talking about sole legal not physical custody.

Wyn

I have sole legal. Joint physical. I think the judge gave me sole legal because it was obvious there was no way my x n I could make joint decisions for our daughter. We would have been back in court every other month for every dentist, doctor and school issues (he is x controlling n argumentative). It was an expensive $50,000 ordeal from 2009-2010, and then in 2012-2013 he tried again and lost again (another $12,000). You mentioned discussing details, my understanding is with joint legal you only have to discuss major issues: what daycare, church and school will our child attend? Who is the doctor/dentist? If there is a medical decision (approval to conduct surgery)...those types of things...do you think you two can work those out? For physical custody, you'll need to work together at some level on extra curricular activities (dance class, baseball or whatever) and keeping each other informed about school conferences, parent night at church and stuff like that....but you don't have to discuss every detail. Do you know about parallel parenting? What challenges are you facing?

freeatlast2014

I don't know much about anything Wynn. I just filed for divorce, have a 3 year old and 17 month old and am living with a verbally and emotionally abusive man who berates me for hours on end in front of the children. I can't imagine how I can parent with him...I don't know what parallel parenting is. If you have a book you recommend I would live to hear about it. I don't know where to go or what to do.

Wyn

Oh I've been there--the abyss. It's a long road, but there is another side and you can make things ok over time, one day at a time. I'll PM you more info (hopefully tomorrow--turning in now) but a start is Dr Deena Stacer's info on the internet...free articles...YouTube videos. LynnYD you will make it through this!

katie_cj

I got sole legal fairly easily. Essentially, in my province, it means that I can make all decisions regarding education, religion and medical decisions. It was a long process, but in the end, my ex wanted to avoid going in front if a judge and agreed to sign.

lookame3639

You could have something which says you have joint legal custody however you have final decisions. You can start off requesting sole legal and compromise at joint legal final decion

SimpleJane

I'm my state sole legal is unheard of unless there is major issues with the other parent being proven unstable. Same with sole physical.

ambrvan

My H has sole legal and primary physical, with an obligation to keep BM informed of major decisions (medical, educational), and BM has supervised EOWend visitation. It has been a battle ongoing since December 09, and this decision was just made final this past summer. Honestly, probably the only reason we really got this much is because she agreed to it right before we went into court (despite BM being a proven, documented abuser by CPS and having her parental rights to her other two children terminated and having a lengthy arrest record).

It is difficult.

Be as specific as you can in your CO. Don't think anything is too small to be included. Ask for what you want, but be totally prepared to get less. You might be lucky to get primary physical and joint legal. Be prepared for joint legal and physical because it may happen.

It really isn't that hard to pick a school, confer about doctor's appointments/procedures. Well, it usually isn't. There are the extreme cases, as in one we had here a while back about immunizations (still makes me mad).

You can put a clause in the CO staying that all communication has to go through a website specifically for situations like this (other posters may be more enlightening on this possibility) or that all information/agreements/grievances must be addressed via email/mail and that verbal communication is to be limited to immediate information pertaining to the children and to be civil at all times. Always meet in a public place for pick ups and drop offs (specified in the CO) to minimize abusive situations.

Email is great because you can cc a copy to your attorney anytime you correspond with him. That way there is always a paper trail.

freeatlast2014

@Ambervan and @lookame those are some great ideas!