This may turn long, but I need advice.

Ler621

I want to start out saying that I've been lurking here since my FI and I split up in November, and I have gotten a few good ideas on how to make our situation work best for out 13 month old son. I'm hoping I can get help with my situation.

I am at a loss. I am trying everything I can to not turn our strained relationship into a custody battle, but I'm doing everything on my own. We just went to a 2-2-3 schedule from a three-day on/off schedule and I guess you can say we're in the trial stages ( just started this past weekend) but I'm not happy with this. I have been getting texts from mutual friends and seeing things on Facebook that on the nights W is supposed to have B, he is putting him to bed and going out and then having his mother listen for him. I have told W multiple times that if he has plans, then I will take B. He states that his parents (whom he lives with) want to spend time with B, so in his mind it's okay.

I have been trying to maintain an open communication with W for the sake of B. Most of the time we can get along and be friendly, but if something happens and he gets upset, I will receive nasty and harassing text messages at all hours of the night. I don't answer them, but they are hurtful. He seems to have the mindset that he can say whatever he feels when he is angry, as long as he follows up with an "I'm sorry." As of right now we are getting along well. W doesn't respect my wishes, such as he will pick B up from daycare on the nights I am supposed to, because he wants to see him. I don't want to start another fight, so I am going with it.

I live 45 minutes away from W as well as B's daycare, and about two hours away from work. I work 9-5, pick B up at 6, and then get home about 7:30. I am currently looking for a job closer to home because the commute is making me crazy, and I want/need more time with B. I am working on getting a custody agreement in writing to protect everyone involved, but I am not getting any help from W. I'm in Maryland, so when I file a custody complaint, there will be a court-appointed mediation before we see a judge.

 I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense; I feel like I left things out or maybe I'm just rambling.  I feel like I should file for full physical custody and joint legal custody. I want B to have a relationship with his father, but I don't see that W truly wants to parent him, more like when it's convenient for him. Am I right on this? or is this just W and I still trying to get a handle on co-parenting?  Any advice will be much appreciated. Thank you in advance.

acbarbour

I have learned a few things from here.  First get a lawyer.  The consultations are usually free and MD offers legal assistance for free.  It can be difficult but worth it if you can not financially handle a lawyer at this time.  Secondly file for everything at once.  Full Physical and Legal Custody, Child Suport, lay out what you want in a visitation schedule.  The mediation will help to sort out your issues with each other and the issues you have as co-parents.  The court will address all filings listed together at one time so you save on haveing a bunch of court dates.  There are going to be plenty as it is.  Child Support is separate from everything else handle it as such.  Third, grow a thick skin!  A lot of horrible things are going to be said, you guys are not together for a reason. Keep things civial but beprepared for the crazy.  DO NOT RESPOND IN KIND.  Meaning don't argue back, don't say mean things and talk only about your child when possible.  Also, understand that you are not incharge of what happens when your child is with the other parent.  As long as there is no neglect or danger then stay out of it.  Stay off your ex's facebook and ignore what you see or hear about him doing.  Lastly, quality over quantity with your child.  There are plenty of BD and BM that have EOWE with their child and still manage to have great relationships.  Things will get better and you can survive this.  :-bd

+just+j+

Get a lawyer and get a custody agreement. I think people who do not have one are NUTS. Especially if you don't get along. As far as what he does when he has your child....his time, his business. You can not dictate this or expect him to call you as his baby sitter. If he texts or calls you in any manner that is not civil....hang up and do not respond. My standard answer to my ex when our conversations turn ugly is, "ok, this quit being productive. I can't participate in this. Please talk to me when you can be civil. bye". Hang up. Don't answer repeated calls and don't respond to rude texts. Eventually this will dwindle and he will stop when he knows this does not stir you up or get you riled. Trust me. Been there done that. Now go call some lawyers and pursue court ordered visitation so everything is legal and structured. Good luck.

MommyEllenSue

1. You need a legal custody agreement to protect everyone involved. 2. Get a lawyer this is what they do and you need it to be done right. 3. You won't get sole physical custody. You don't have it now. 4. You can't control what he does on his time just like he can't control what you do on your time. 5. That commute totally sucks! Hope you can find a closer job.

Abenedict2011

I agree with all the others. 1. Get a lawyer. They will help guide you through what is right and reasonable. 2. File everything all at once even though they are different (support and custody/legal rights). This saves u $$ in the end. 3. Keep detailed records of all deviations from the court ordered agreement. This was HuGE in our custody case because it showed patterns. 4. Good luck. It will all work out.

Wahoo

Ler621 said:

 I have been getting texts from mutual friends and seeing things on Facebook that on the nights W is supposed to have B, he is putting him to bed and going out and then having his mother listen for him. I have told W multiple times that if he has plans, then I will take B. He states that his parents (whom he lives with) want to spend time with B, so in his mind it's okay.

 

I disagree with the advice you have gotten so far.  No, you can't control who W leaves B with (and, to be honest, B won't know the difference if he is already asleep when W goes out), but the idea of shared custody is for the parents to PARENT.  And, you should get first chance at being with B if W is planning to go out.  I would start documenting this.  It will help you later if you can show that the nights W was supposed to be with B, he was leaving B with his parents and going out.  My parents are very involved with my kids, but they are NOT my children's primary caregivers.

I have been trying to maintain an open communication with W for the sake of B. ...but if something happens and he gets upset, I will receive nasty and harassing text messages at all hours of the night. I don't answer them, but they are hurtful. He seems to have the mindset that he can say whatever he feels when he is angry, as long as he follows up with an "I'm sorry."

 

Save the texts.  Take snapshots.  Unfortunately, W is not your friend, and anyone who makes decisions about you and W co-parenting needs to see this.  I would cut down all non-child (or money) related communication.  Start planning things via Google Calendar or some other family calendar.  Start insisting that all non-emergency communication go via email only (or get that included in your CO).  Texts should only be for last minute changes of plans and emergencies.  You need to detatch.  It's not your job to be W's "friend" so he can be his verbal punching bag.

 

As of right now we are getting along well. W doesn't respect my wishes, such as he will pick B up from daycare on the nights I am supposed to, because he wants to see him. I don't want to start another fight, so I am going with it.

Do NOT "just go with it."  You might not be able to fight W on this, but EVERY TIME W does this, you need ot send an email or text stating "this goes against our mutual visitation agreement."  Right now, if W has B more than 50% of the time, he is setting prescedent that he takes care of B THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME.  When it comes time for you to go before a judge, how are you going to answer when the judge says "looks like B is being cared for by W 60-75% of the time, I don't see any reason why this should change." 

I live 45 minutes away from W as well as B's daycare, and about two hours away from work. I work 9-5, pick B up at 6, and then get home about 7:30. I am currently looking for a job closer to home because the commute is making me crazy, and I want/need more time with B.

 

Who picked the daycare?  Who is paying for the daycare?  Why did you choose a daycare 45 minutes from your home?  I would change daycares, either at the beginning of the summer, or at the beginning of the school year.  Choose a daycare that is closer to YOUR home.  If W has to drive 45 minutes to pick up B, maybe he will think twice before picking him up on days that are not his. 

 

 

I am working on getting a custody agreement in writing to protect everyone involved,

 

It is not YOUR job to protect everyone involved.  YOUR job is to protect yourself and B.  Let W take care of himself.  He already has a mommy that is protecting him. 

 

I'm in Maryland, so when I file a custody complaint, there will be a court-appointed mediation before we see a judge.

Time to hire a lawyer who will represent your interests and counsel you on how to do what is best for YOU and B.  If you don't have a CO, then you definately need one.  Without one, W could keep B from you as he has been doing lately.

 

I feel like I should file for full physical custody and joint legal custody. I want B to have a relationship with his father, but I don't see that W truly wants to parent him, more like when it's convenient for him.

 

File for whatever you want, but you probably will not get it.  Start documenting / building a case that you can't rely on W, that you can't work with him, that he only does what works for him.  It will take a lot of time, unfortunately.  I WOULD try to state that if you can't come to an agreement, that you are the tie-breaker in decisions. 

 

I would get a lawyer, even if you have to do a payment plan,  W seems to be in a habit of steamrolling over you.  You need someone on your side.

 

Sorry - - I don't know how to quote, so I'm sure this is a mess.

 

I know my advice is very different from everyone else's.  They are right that you can't control what W does when he has B, but that does not mean that he should get 50% time if he is not spending it with the baby!  You really need to start protecting yourself and B and building a case for yourself.  I'm not suggesting you do anything under-handed, but that you ensure that a judge will see what is really happening with W and B.  As it is, W can turn around and say you're not an involved mom because you give up multiple nights with B voluntarily and without a fight, and that he should have primary custody. 

Ler621

I really appreciate all of the responses. I set up a consultation with an attorney, and I am still looking for a job closer to home. The attorney advised me to start doing what all of you said, taking screenshots and printing out what I see on Facebook.  @Wahoo, we chose the in-home daycare when I was pregnant with B. She lives in the same neighborhood as W, and it's on the way home from me. I want to find a daycare closer to where I am, but I'm getting resistance from W as it's convenient for him and his mother to do drop off and pick up. It is less expensive than other places I've found, and B loves her, so I'm not making that my priority.  Again, I really appreciate the feedback. Thanks