Dh feels horrible

APutter05

Our first born is just over 2 weeks old and DH is having a hard time with everything. He took 2 weeks off to help and he feels like he didn't do anything at all. He feels like he can't calm her down, give her the paci and can't "connect" with her. Last night after he got home from work he tried to calm her down and couldn't. He handed her back to me and said "I quit. I can't do this." I could see the frustration on his face and I tried to reassure him that he would get it. He didn't do anymore with her the rest of the night. Well he got up this morning he did apologize. He said he feels horrible and he thinks that I think he's a horrible dad. I don't feel that way AT ALL!! Does anyone have any advice on how I can make DH feel better or help him? I feel so bad for him and I know he loves her more than anything.

ASmallWonder

Biggest thing? Leave the area.  Go as far away from the two of them as you can if leaving the house isn't an option.  You're with her all day so she's most comfortable with you so it's not that she doesn't want her dad, it's that she wants you, make sense?  Give them a chance to work through stuff alone.  Gently remind him that throwing his hands up isn't an option because what would happen if she was upset with you all day?  You'd keep trying and keep figuring it out.  Encourage him to find his own way of connecting with her.  DH and I don't interact the same with our kids - we each bring unique things to the table and he needs to find that something.  Maybe it's a special hold, maybe he paces with her while you rock in the chair.  Maybe he sings to her.  He can do this because we all do.  He just needs to remember that failure is not an option

APutter05

elmoali said:

Biggest thing? Leave the area.  Go as far away from the two of them as you can if leaving the house isn't an option.  You're with her all day so she's most comfortable with you so it's not that she doesn't want her dad, it's that she wants you, make sense?  Give them a chance to work through stuff alone.  Gently remind him that throwing his hands up isn't an option because what would happen if she was upset with you all day?  You'd keep trying and keep figuring it out.  Encourage him to find his own way of connecting with her.  DH and I don't interact the same with our kids - we each bring unique things to the table and he needs to find that something.  Maybe it's a special hold, maybe he paces with her while you rock in the chair.  Maybe he sings to her.  He can do this because we all do.  He just needs to remember that failure is not an option

Thank you!! This makes sense. I will go drive around or go to the store when he's home. I want him to feel comfortable with her and much as her with him.

APutter05

Sakura0019 said:

Maybe have him try skin to skin with her, or baby wearing? I was reading that this can be helpful in the bonding process with dad. Also, skin to skin with dad was later shown to be correlated with stronger relationships between dad and LO. Also, remind him that a horrible dad would not care so much!! . It takes time, but it's great that he wants to be so involved - kudos to your DH, and to you for supporting him!

Thank you!! I never thought about skin to skin with her or having him use our carrier. I will have him try that.
DH has been so involved with my whole pregnancy and even before. We had fertility issues and he was right beside me with decision making.

APutter05

LizB8943 said:

This is all such good advice...I think dads bond with babies differently than moms. I know with our 3-month old, I'm the soft, sweet parent, where as DH is the one who makes the funny noises, does more "teasing" and tickling, etc. Your husband will get the hang of things, and figure out what works for him Good luck to you both!

Thank you!!

APutter05

rgoblue said:

My H went thru the same thing around 2 weeks old. He would get so upset and feel defeated- he even thought our daughter "hated him"! Be encouraging, show him what works, give them 1 on 1 time, and let time pass. Once DD started interacting more it got easier for me and H to bond with her. It gets better!

This is my DH 100%!! I'm glad to hear that he's not the only one!! Thanks for your response!!
I told DH last night that I'm going to start leaving them for about an hour to give them sometime together before I go back to work.

roo1oo

Make sure LO is well fed before handing over to DH. Pretty much the only thing my DH did with LO when he was that young was hold him while LO slept. Once you're comfortable with trying a bottle, have DH give LO a bottle once a day. GL!

dunvilles

It gets better as your lo gets older..

kimmee1997

My way may not be the best way but it works for me and my husband. What i do is just hand ds2 over to him and say "tag! It's your turn!" To which I usually hear grumbling and complaining because he'd rather I hold ds2. Then I usually reply with a I'm tired and sleepy so you are holding him. And I usually leave and go to bed if possible. I don't really give him a chance to say no because if I did then I'd always be taking care of ds! My husband is like most men that I know and he does not care for the newborn stage. Doesn't mean they will be bad fathers. He's gotten more involved as ds1 has gotten older. In fact to hear ds1, daddy is his favorite. His daddy plays a lot more with him and let's him do things that I wouldn't let him do! It will happen for your husband. He will get the hang of it.

rlyttle

Just talk with him. Your baby is BRAND NEW!! Of course you have already bonded with her over the last 9 months. Give him things that he can do to help. Changing diapers, clothes, giving baths, laundry, burping, ect. Things will work out as she gets a bit older. Are you BF? You can start to pump soon and let him give her a bottle. If you are FF, you can let him feed her now. If he is frustrated the baby can feel that. He needs to relax & find something that they can do together. Sit on the couch and watch Sports Center? Rock in a chair while he reads a book to her? They will find a daddy/daughter activity that is special for them. 

APutter05

rlyttle said:

Just talk with him. Your baby is BRAND NEW!! Of course you have already bonded with her over the last 9 months. Give him things that he can do to help. Changing diapers, clothes, giving baths, laundry, burping, ect. Things will work out as she gets a bit older. Are you BF? You can start to pump soon and let him give her a bottle. If you are FF, you can let him feed her now. If he is frustrated the baby can feel that. He needs to relax & find something that they can do together. Sit on the couch and watch Sports Center? Rock in a chair while he reads a book to her? They will find a daddy/daughter activity that is special for them. 

Thanks!! I do BF and FF. LO wasn't getting enough from me so we supplement. DH has been feeding her so he was excited about that. I did leave him for awhile so he could spend time with her. He said it was nice. I'm hoping that all the tips everyone has given me will help DH feel comfortable.