Help with tantrums and talking back

BILondon

It's been a while since I've posted (my username used to be BrideInLondon, but the bump was acting like I don't have a username?), and DD is now 4. We typically use timeouts with a glitter bottle for 1 1/2 minutes to calm down so that we can talk about what happened and what we can do next time instead of the behavior that was not ok.

Lately DD has been absolutely refusing to go to timeout. Shouting NO and NEVER, and even going so far as laughing at us when we try to do time out. Sometimes she even hits or kicks. I've gotten so frustrated that I've taken away toys or told her no book before bedtime. I hate when that happens and I know that isn't the right way to handle it, but I just feel like I don't know what else to do in those situations. I want to fix this so that I don't resort to those types of tactics.

Any advice or help?

vvvvvfee

I don't feel qualified to give specific advice, since my kid is only 18 months, but one resource that I find very helpful is Dr. Laura Markham's book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, and especially her website, ahaparenting.com. Here is the section on discipline and limit-setting, but you can search for more specific info, there is so much great content on her site.

pixieprincss

I was going to suggest Aha Parenting, too! It is a great resource.

sugarbear0524

I don't think 90 seconds is a long enough time out. My two year old stays for 2 minutes. What is your time out routine? And what is a glitter bottle? When my son is in time out, he doesn't get anything to play with, look out, etc. It is supposed to be a time to calm down, but it isn't a time to play.  In rare times when time out doesn't work, he gets his trains taken away for a little while. He adores Thomas and this seems to get his attention.

ncbelle

I also love ahaparenting.  I think (but don't quote me) she has a piece about why timeouts don't work - but essentially for the reason you've discovered - it just becomes a power struggle!  Plus if you wait to address why a behavior is "wrong" and what should happen instead, kiddo has already forgotten and moved on to something else - even at 4!

BILondon

Thanks everyone! That ahaparenting site is amazing!

I had posted a couple years ago asking about the positive parenting site that you pay for but never subscribed. This seems even better, and its pretty cool that she references books that I've already read, but gives concrete examples of how to apply techniques.

Thanks again!

DanandVan

I think taking away toys and bedtime stories is exactly the right way to respond. My older kids are 7 and almost 9, and I definitely took away bedtime stories as a consequence for bad actions when they were young. I took toys away too (esp if it was related - you threw the toy, so now you lost it until tomorrow). You have to put the hard work in when they are little. Now that my kids are older, they know DH and I are the boss, and know there will definitely be consequences for disobedience.
Your dd has to learn that you are the boss, and that if you send her to timeout she has to obey. I know I sound like a harsh, strict mom, but the most loving thing you can do for your dd is to create boundaries for her. She will try to push your buttons, but you can remain calm and dole out consequences that will teach her she needs to respond the first time. Hang in there!