DD2's First Birthday Party... what to do?

mae0111

DD2 is turning 2 next week.  I've totally waited until the last minute because I didn't want to deal with planning a party.  The last time we tried to get everyone together, it was for Christmas.  My sister and her family decided not to come and told me the day before (4 adults, 3 kids) after we had an argument (she invited the rest of the family and friends over for Christmas eve, and left us out).  We sort of patched things up, but then I found out that she had a birthday party for her 6 year old and didn't invite DD1 (4.5 years old). 

DH still isn't over Christmas.  I didn't tell him about DN's birthday party.  I feel like I should be the bigger person and invite them, knowing that they probably won't come because it's last-minute.  But he's still so angry that I'm not sure it's worth the fight it's going to cause.

I told my parents that we're having cake this weekend.  I could tell by the way my mom jumped to help that she would have been really hurt if we didn't do anything.  But I don't know what to do about the rest of the family. 

I know I'm scattered, but I literally don't have anyone I can talk to about this.  I can't talk to my parents, DH, my sisters... and since I'm not inviting friends, I feel weird seeking their counsel on this. 

Would you invite them to keep the peace within my family, but stir sh*t up with DH?  Or just keep it small - just my parents, DH, and the kids?  I'm torn...

jf198400

I prefer small parties at this young age anyways. I would just have your parents over for dinner and cake. It's not really a "party" so there's nothing for anyone to get upset about not being invited.

shannm

Just keep it small.

*sparky*

I would probably talk to DH one more time about it.  If he is still upset about Christmas then do what the PP suggested - just have your parents over for cake.  That way there is no party for your sister to be upset about not getting invited to. 

But I would also tell him at some point for the sake of keeping the peace in the family, you will need to patch things up and you can't just shut them out of your lives from here on out.

mae0111

*sparky* said:

I would probably talk to DH one more time about it.  If he is still upset about Christmas then do what the PP suggested - just have your parents over for cake.  That way there is no party for your sister to be upset about not getting invited to. 

But I would also tell him at some point for the sake of keeping the peace in the family, you will need to patch things up and you can't just shut them out of your lives from here on out.

You're absolutely right.  There is a looong history here.  My sister is extremely difficult, and DH has watched us get into some pretty terrible arguments over the years.  My sister has accused me of a lot of horrible things through the years, lashing out at me whenever she was going through a tough time.  Things got better when she went on antidepressants, but so much worse when she went off.  She's been off for 7 years, and things have gone downhill from there.

I keep forgiving because she is my sister, and because it would crush our parents if we didn't have a relationship.  As a result, every potential family gathering is extremely stressful for me, and I overthink everything.

VOR

My take - when it comes to your kids, your DH takes priority here. At some point, your sister needs to stop getting a free pass for being an ass when it comes to your kids. Your DHs feelings matter more here than your parents. I'm not saying never ever try to work things out, but at the same time, this isn't about being "the bigger person" if that always means going against your DHs wishes - specifically when it comes to yours and HIS kids. She's an adult. She can be "difficult" all she wants. You all are adults too= you don't ahve to put up with it.

VOR

Oh and for that party, I would keep it small. Just invite your parents over. THey may be upset if you and your sister aren't close, but here's the thing -it's not YOUR JOB alone to fix this. You can invite her all you want, but you KNOW how that's going to play out. If she doesn't want to be close, you aren't going to be close. no matter how "big" you try to be about it.

*sparky*

@mae0111 - I see, so there is more history here and your DH likely has reason to want ot keep some distance.  Assuming you can't cut her out of your life completely but don't want to let the toxic relationship impact your family too much, you guys need to agree on some boundaries that you can both live with.  Maybe it is just seeing her at large family gatherings, and not necessarily inviting her over to your house, but you both have to agree.

My DH's sister has lived with toxic IL's for many years and her DH was a pushover for a long time about his mom's behavior until it became extremely difficult on their marriage.  Now they finally have agreed-upon boundaries and things are going much more smoothly.  But it came down to laying out what the major issues were and avoiding those situations where the issues were likely to surface.  That can be an ugly conversation to have, but it needs to be done, and you both need to be able to be 100% honest.

skibunny59

I would invite your sister.  The way I would look at it is I would want my kids to be close and have a relationship with their cousins.  I wouldn't want to have me and my sister's issues to come between that.  

Your sister sounds like she's done some hurtful things but I would still invite her anyway.  DH's family is sort of like this but I still invite them to things and we still bend over backwards to go see them when they invite us.  It's unfortunate but you don't get to choose your family.  You're kind of stuck with them no matter what.

Iblamethebeer

Clearly this is a tough one, since votes seem to be split.

I think if the option is "just immediate family and grandparents" then I would not include your sister and her family.  If you or DH have other siblings that you would be inviting, then I would say you need to include the sister.

I would schedule something with your sister's family sooner than later, though, just to try to spend some time together in a low key setting (not a holiday, not a special occasion).

mae0111

Thanks everyone.  I did end up talking to DH about it.  He's not a fan of my sister at all, but he understands that she's my sister, that her kids are our kids' cousins, and he doesn't want to just end the relationship with her.  He's got a difficult sibling of his own.  I've encourage that relationship despite being repeatedly snubbed.  I think he appreciates it.  He told me to extend the invite, as long as I was OK with the answer either way (coming or not).

I've been trying to figure out ways to get the kids together without my sister.  Sadly, I've given up on my relationship with her.  But I want my kids to be close with their cousins.  My sisters kids don't have any other cousins besides my kids.  I wish there was more of an effort...

I just can't figure it out.  She confuses the hell out of me.

I appreciate all of the input and advice!

Mustardseed2007

If you didn't have such a long history I would say your DH should suck it up. Being that it sounds like your sister has deeper issues and it sounds like she's treated you AND your family so poorly over the years, I'd invite her over to your home only if you truly think she won't come, b/c then you don't really loose out on anything.

VOR

mae0111 said:

I've been trying to figure out ways to get the kids together without my sister.  Sadly, I've given up on my relationship with her.  But I want my kids to be close with their cousins.  My sisters kids don't have any other cousins besides my kids.  I wish there was more of an effort...

Of course you want this.  I would too.  But here's where you're going to have to adjust your expectations.  If there is someone out there who I don't particularly like or want to spend time with, that person sure as heck isn't going to have access to my kids.  Family or not. 

I don't know what the full situation is w/ your sister or why she does what she does, and I know your motives are good,  but you have to realize that if SHE isn't interested in your families being close, then the reality of your KIDS being close probably isn't going to happen.