Feeling Disconnected

Clynn82au

I can't believe I'm writing this. After two years of failed IF treatments and wanting nothing more than to be a mother, you'd think being pregnant would mean I'd be on cloud 9. When I first found out, I was elated and had a perma-smile for two days. But then I started feeling sort of blah. I didn't feel any connection to the baby, no bond and certainly no love. I figured once we had the U/S and I saw the heartbeat that would change. U/S was Friday and we found out its twins and still nothing. I do feel excited but feel sad at the same time. I feel so guilty. DH can't stop rubbing my belly and he has the glow I thought I would have. What is wrong with me? Has anyone else felt like this? My first OB appt isn't for another 3 weeks and I'd love to discuss this with her.

Ylvelill

Part of me tries not to be connected because I am scared it won't turn out okay. But mostly I am over the moon!

Give yourself some grace, it has been a hard road and it will be a major change in your life your heart will catch up when you hold the babies the first time.

DoublePortion

I'm 16w3d and still generally feel disconnected. DH and everyone else is super excited, but I just feel kind of like it's very surreal. I think after so many years of IF that we build it up to be this magical experience in our minds and when we don't have the emotions we expected it throws us for a loop. I've asked this same question to a SAIF group before and they were very honest and it helped a lot. For some of them they didn't get that magical feeling until they felt their babies move, for others it was at birth and there were even some who said it took a few days to really bond and feel that overwhelming love. You've been through a lot and are now in uncharted territory, so feeling disconnected is probably a defense/survival mechanism. Just know you're not alone, but don't be afraid to seek help if you're really struggling. ((hugs))

thecuddleeffect

I had a late 2nd tri loss, because of that it has been so hard for me to be connected. It's like I am guarding myself for heart break. I love my baby, I know I do, but fear surrounds my pregnancy more than love and excitement. It sucks. And I'm sorry you are going through it as well. Other I have spoke with who are PGAL or PGAIF say that they have a "I'll believe it when I see it" attitude. I think it's a defense mechanism. I have tried to divert my negative energy into doing research on baby gear or learning about various baby things. Kind of to distract my mind. It's ok to feel that way (hugs)

twistsandturnsto2

Totally normal. We have all been through so much to get here, it's only natural for it to take a while to sink in and allow ourselves to really be excited about it all.
I didn't come around for a long while, even now it's almost like I am preparing for someone else's kid. Give yourself some time to work through this big change in thinking!

auntjessy

Although I didn't experience this, I've heard of a lot of women who do, especially after going through IF.  Most of the time, it's perfectly normal.  I do think you should mention it to a counselor, or something, though - not that anything's wrong with you, but hormones are all over the place and it can sometimes be a sign of prenatal depression, which can lead to postpartum depression.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antenatal_depression

tryingyetagain

I think what you are going through is totally normal, considering being an IF "survivor." We all have fresh wounds and scars, and everyone heals differently. When some of us feel disconnected, it's a defense mechanism of sorts, I'm sure. You may find that you feel disconnected for a while or even the whole pregnancy. And some ladies don't even feel really connected with the baby for a while after birth. After DS was born, it was weeks before I felt that connection, not really until he was laughing and smiling at me. I felt like I was borrowing someone else's child, if that makes sense! But, wow, one day it will hit you that you love that child more than anything. Hang in there, it will happen. Don't beat yourself up in the meantime!

chucktgirl

Congratulations on your twins! I'm so glad to read all of the other responses that say your feelings are totally normal. I feel similar to how you do. I am less disengaged than I am completely sure that this PG won't work out, just like all the previous. Success (healthy take home baby) seems completely unobtainable to me. I have small moments of joy, then go back to "safety" mode. I hope we all break out of it and gain some enjoyment from the experience.

Peanutz21

in the beginning like PP mentioned i wasn't excited either. i kept thinking of all the horrible scenarios in my head and in a way not getting excited or attached was my defense mechanism.

i really didn't get excited until i felt the baby move... my OB was waiting for me to show SOME kind of emotion. now i let myself get pretty excited because she just keeps getting bigger everyday and kicking the heck out of me. 

give yourself some time - don't be so hard on yourself; especially regarding what you think you're supposed to be feeling and what others experience.  we all experience this differently.

MJC1116

I think it's normal... and I even experienced it with DD and I didn't go through any infertility issues to get pregnant with her. I started to feel excited this time after I saw the ultrasound 4D of baby's face. It actually hit me that there's a real person in there and that we get to meet him/her soon. But that was at 30 weeks, so I went the majority of the pregnancy with feeling less connected.

With DD, it just never really sunk in that I was having a baby until I had a baby! I always thought there was something wrong with me. Of course, I was happy to be pregnant but it was a very strange, surreal feeling. I don't even know how to properly describe it.

rox825

I'm also feeling disconnected, although have only known about the pregnancy for 12 days now.  The first 2 days I was giddy and over the moon, but as soon as the day came for my first beta reality set in and the excitement went away.  I don't feel pregnant, am not particularly excited anymore, and it's hard for me to think that there's a healthy baby developing.  Last time, even this early on, I think that I felt more pregnant and excited.  I have a friend who went through IF/loss and she told me that she didn't really start to bond with her son until a few weeks after he was born.  I do think it's an emotional self-preservation thing and probably pretty normal.  

FutureMrsW9

I never experienced that, I've felt connected to my baby since I found out I had 16 frosties.  BUT, I do think it's normal and I see posts like this all the time.  I think once your belly starts to pop out a bit and you feel baby moving you'll feel a lot better.  In the meantime, you could try reading to baby - that helped me in the beginning.  The day of my FET I started reading to baby before bed.  We bought a few kid/baby books and would read bedtime stories to my belly.  We haven't done that in a while, but I keep meaning to do it - I just pass out so quick now!  You should also talk to your belly.  I can't tell how far along you are from your siggy, but you should talk to baby, too.  I know s/he may not be able to hear you yet, but it obviously can't hurt and I think it helps create a bond.  I started talking to my embryo the day it was implanted, too haha.  And have daddy talk to baby, too, it all helps.  You and DH might feel silly at first but it gets easier :-)

4legsRbest

I agree with all PPs, this is totally normal. I felt this way with my DS the entire time and feel the same way with this pregnacy. I refuse to pick out names, buy things, rearrange our guest room, pretty much the only thing I can convince myself of is that something is goin to go wrong.

It may help you to talk abut it and I think talking to your dr is a good start.

And I hate to tell you this, but it only gets worse after they are here - worse in a good way! Talk about worrying, you won't sleep for the first few weeks!

HeatherHam10

I think after dealing with IF it causes us to put a guard up. I have had a hard time because I feel like something bad will happen and no way Ill be bringing home a baby in August. Dont beat yourself up aboit it. Itll come.

curlylocks3

It's very, very normal. I felt like that for quite a while, like others said as a defense mechanism. It's only over the past month or so that I have felt really connected to them and even then I feel like it's not quite as whole hearted as other people I hear about. Don't beat yourself up- at some point you will feel that connection.
Congrats on your twins!

Clynn82au

Thanks everyone! It's great to hear these things, especially since we haven't told anyone yet and I can't ask friends. I'm really looking forward to speaking with my OB in a few weeks. I really want to be proactive with this too, just in case it ever turns into postpartum once the babies are here.

lks18

My husband and I both felt this way.  When you're going through IF treatment, the goal for so long is just to get pregnant.  When we were TTC, I think I had lots more daydreams about being pregnant than actually being a mom.  Then, wonderfully, you're finally pregnant, just like you always dreamed about, but suddenly the end goal shifts from being pregnant to carrying a healthy pregnancy to term and giving birth and then whatever other expectations you may have built up in your mind (having a natural birth, breast feeding right away with no difficulties, etc.).  For a long time we looked at being pregnant as a necessary but not sufficient step towards ending up with a healthy baby (or healthy babies in our cases, knock on wood, which adds more anxiety about the probability of having a healthy pregnancy and delivery). When I had cramping and a little blood at 10 weeks I was like, "here it is, I knew this would happen!"  After IF you just get so used to bad news, it's hard to imagine anything could go smoothly.   Thankfully everything has gone well and it wasn't a big deal, just concerning.  Now that I've got a belly and we've seen them moving on lots of ultrasounds it's definitely more real, but I'm still holding out for frequent movement and wondering if I'll be able to tell the difference between the two of them from their movements.  So I think some adjust to the good news in stages.  This has been my experience at least.  Congratulations on the twins and good luck to you and your husband!

auntjessy

I totally agree with @MrsW9 - I thought of it a few minutes before reading her reply - talk to baby.  I felt silly in the beginning when people were around, but did it all the time when no one else was around.  It sounds odd, but makes it more real.  

LSN8308

Ylvelill said:

Part of me tries not to be connected because I am scared it won't turn out okay. But mostly I am over the moon! Give yourself some grace, it has been a hard road and it will be a major change in your life your heart will catch up when you hold the babies the first time.

^this definitely ... i feel like im trying to remain calm and neutral. even at our NT scan when the u/s tech told us what the twins genders MIGHT be, i still didnt want to acknowledge it because then it would be more real and in turn i would get more scared. i think its mostly IF brain tho. and its a lot to in regardless. esp twins! congrats and hope you feel better soon