Blended Families
freeatlast2014
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How did you know? How long did it take?
freeatlast2014
member
We both have attorneys and started the process. I offered prior to this to have a 1 month trial separation before we decided on divorce. X was not open to this. However today he says he wants to do a trial separation. I have nothing to lose right? But I'm starting to put the pieces together to move on so why look back? He is abusive, we don't work. And yet all I want is for him to lay next to me. Why? How did you know it was time to part? How long did this decision take to make? I should also add we've been in therapy for over 2 years and with 2 different therapists!
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Re: How did you know? How long did it take?
The questions I asked myself were:
- Is the good worth the bad, for yourself and your kids?
- Can I be happy if nothing changes? If neither one if us ever changes anything, can we learn to be happy just like this?
- Can I accept my husband just like he is now, with no changes?
- And can we make this healthy for the kids and us?
The hard part about answering all those was being realistic. It's easy to fool yourself. But your situation is unique, and no one can tell you what is right for you and your family. I kept our business between us, did not talk to family or friends about it at all, talked about it a little on here. I did not anyone influencing our decision. I wanted it made purely on our own. That way I would never blame anyone else or feel like I let other people get in the way.
And another thing that helped me was a book called The Love Dare. It is a Christian marriage challenge, but regardless of your faith, it has some wonderful insights about your self worth, truly unconditional love, loving beyond the faults, finding worth in your spouse, and confronting and forgiving the wrongs on both sides. I took the Love Dare challenge on my own, without my H's knowledge when he said he wanted a divorce. It took forty days, and at the end things were not perfect or "fixed" but I was in a different position. And if we had decided to part ways I think I would have had a *little* more peace about it, knowing that I had tried.
Have you been in counseling separately or together?
One thing I see you say is that you are starting to put the pieces together to move on. That may speak volumes about what is right for you.
I have been in your situation. I know your struggle. My x was physically and emotionally abusive. I was so emotionally abused and cut off from everyone that my "truth" of the world came from him. I had no real idea of what healthy should look like b/c at least I knew what the abuse cycle was and I could get throught it for the "honeymoon stage" where it was all apologies and roses.
I needed to leave when someone reached out to me and realized what was going on and told me I was hurting my children by staying in that situation and allowing them to witness and aborb the abuse in the home as normal. AND that if I wasn't willing to save my children I was just as guilty of abuse as he was.
Was that harsh...yes, Was it boardline blaming the victim...yes. But it was the snap to reality I needed to get a plan together and get out.
Emotional abuse is really bad because you just don't know what to believe and you rely on the person hurting you because it's the only person left in your life.
I haven't been in that relationship since 2002...I still can't put a real timeline of what happened when during that marriage, I compare it to being in the eye of a tornado (like Dorothy in Wizard of OZ) you can see all this junk spinning around you but you have no idea who or what came first.
Take the trial separation w/ advisement from a lawyer b/c in some states if you leave the house first you abandon your rights to mutual assets.
I guaruntee that first night away you will sleep better knowing you are safe.
I personally am not a fan of separations. I am all or nothing.
That being said if your ex is prone to being abusive I would NOT expect for him to be agreeable on any terms of a divorce. Particularly if he is going to be required to pay child support. My advice is do everything to protect yourself. Because once you tell him you want a divorce he will turn into someone you don't know/recognize and he will be looking out for only himself. I am saying this because hindsight is 20/20. I wish someone would have told me that or I would have listened when they told me. Once you decide to get divorced it is not the time to play nice.
I would most definitely be taking the kids with me too.
He already filed for divorce (i'm glad he beat me to the punch because i was afraid how he would have reacted when served) and has cut me off financially so things are sour. I'm shocked how ugly things turn so quickly. I'm hoping one of us will be gone by the weekend and it's so bad here that if it has to be me and the kids than so be it.
When I started dating DH, his xW came in the house while no one was home and wreaked havoc. She plugged every drain and turned on every faucet (bathtubs/sinks), stopped up the toilet flushed til it overran, unplugged the deep freezer, stole his laptop and video camera, took DVDs out if their cars and broke them, poured bleach all over everything in his closet, took the washing machine but not the dryer, and left the gas stove on when she left.
Yeah. That was enough crazy that should have warned me away from H's dramatic life. Lol. Police could not prove it was her, so they could not do anything about it. She later admitted it was her and a couple friends and that she was jealous he was dating after they divorced.
And dmnds you brought up my exact concern to the lawyer and she assured me I could get my stuff. But what you said is what I am afraid if which is proof that I really need to get a uhaul and take it all right away. Ugh I can't believe this is what's up.