PTSD after IF?

Manada

Hi everyone,

(my partner @Healz413 intro'd for us yesterday, I'm still too scared to jinx this gift of a pregnancy we're holding, but I'm here - and will hopefully get it together to intro soon)

IF-related PTSD is increasingly being recognized as an issue and is the subject of a decent number of articles talking about it as a trend, but I haven't seen a lot mentioned in how people are dealing with it.   As a registered social worker, I also seem a bit stuck on the fact that a PTSD dx doesn't exactly fit with the long-term, ongoing experience of dealing with infertility, so I also wonder if people are getting more diagnosed with generalized anxiety or depression.....    (I personally feel like a traumatic-stress disorder fits better than a generalized anxiety or a depressive disorder, but I don't write the DSM-diagnostic criteria)

What do you think?   and how do you cope?   What has worked?    How are you moving forward from the lingering impacts?

AJC&Maggie

I was definitely traumatized by cycling through IF and the horrendous heartache and anxiety. How did I cope? Time, wine and food!!!
Now 23weeks pregnant and on the mend. I actually feel like this pregnancy might work!!!

rox825

I'm pretty sure that I have some mild PTSD from both loss and IF.  I'm looking forward to seeing whether anyone has answers about coping techniques, because I definitely need them.  I was a hot mess on beta days, I actually cried at my desk waiting to call for results because I was so scared/nervous/emotional.  Thinking about US checks (if I make it that far) terrifies me, for now I'm really trying my best to just focus on today and not think about that yet, which is easier said than done.

brittneyandadam

Before we got married, I was taking meds for depression and anxiety. I went off the meds a few years ago, but after going through treatments my anxiety has definitely returned. I'm still waiting for results from testing to see if I'm even going to keep the pregnancy...and that's not helping things. I also go to school full time and work part time, both triggers for the anxiety. I want to see someone, but I've had bad experiences in the past and I'm not sure I'd have time for appointments with my schedule. That, of course, also contributes to the anxiety. I'm trying my best to cope, but it's difficult. DH is very understanding when I have my mini breakdowns, but I feel like I need to get this under control before baby comes. Especially if we'll have to go through all this for #2.

Manada

@rox825 - I'm pretty much where you are.  I feel like a hot mess most days still, and am anxious around u/s and all the other "checkpoints".   (Yes, I think of them as check-points in my head... if I pass one we may get to get to the next one.....).  It's a horrid way to live.

@ThoseThreeWords - interesting your brought up cycling again soon after.  This is something my partner and I are talking about as well.   My DOR isn't going to get better the longer we wait, and it looks like her endo is progressing as well... we currently have one day-3 frostie, but having one in the freezer doesn't feel like a very secure plan for a second baby.   Finances are a big concern though, so we're a bit stuck now and just hoping the one we have now keeps growing.

@brittanyandadam - I dropped my anxiety med when we were preparing for the IVF, and it's a BIG no-no now for us with pregnancy, so I'm sort of just holding on.... my partner is also suffering too, so we're both going back and forth with breakdowns (luckily we are able to support each other pretty well). 


We just got a referral to a local perinatal mental health program at a hospital nearby.   I'm hoping they might be able to support us a bit better with our anxiety and stress....   Hopefully they are familiar with working with couples going through, and who have been through infertility, because I'm totally not in the mood to describe the impact of what it means to feel like you are hitting every single bad thing that can go wrong with your body or a cycle when there are thousands upon thousands of dollars and tears on the line.   Argh.

Manada

@ThoseThreeWords --  I hate to ask, but will that impact your feeding choices for your baby?   I just realized reading your posts that I was pretty sure you can't breastfeed and cycle at the same time (because BFing messes with your hormones) -- but I'm not sure....   Shoot, I'm going to have to mention this to my partner because it's going to be a major point of discussion for us.

chucktgirl

AJC&Maggie said:

I was definitely traumatized by cycling through IF and the horrendous heartache and anxiety. How did I cope? Time, wine and food!!! Now 23weeks pregnant and on the mend. I actually feel like this pregnancy might work!!!

Welcome, Manada, and congratulations! It is very interesting that you bring this subject up. I have never thought of it as PTSD, but I think it is a valid possibility. I never felt depressed. I felt something else. IF has definitely changed me, and my DH. And that sucks. I have no gratitude for it "making me a stronger person." I looked into seeing a counselor, but the nearest one I found who specialized in infertility was an hour away. I have no more time to devote to driving to various annoying sessions. I have no desire to confide in a counselor who has not walked in my shoes or does not understand explicitly what it means to have balanced so long in my IF heels!  How I've always dealt with it thus far is what @AJC&Maggie said above: time, wine and food. Now that I'm actually PG, it's a new world with new mental challenges. I'm the first to admit that I'm probably not handling it the best. My OB's partner took me aside last week and said, "You HAVE to stop worrying and start enjoying this pregnancy." I looked him in the eyes and said, "No." Because I simply can't. Not right now. I allow small bursts of joy, but that is it.
I am very intrigued that your hospital has a perinatal mental health program! Do you live in a metropolitan area? I have not been able to find much in the way of support around here. Thanks for bringing up this topic!

Manada

@AJC&Maggie and @chucktgirl - - we really did embrace the "food therapy" part of the IF process... and even more so during IVF...   For us, food and movies really become our escape from stress during that time.  

I find more now though that they aren't cutting it as well... it's almost like now that we're out of the action of the IVF process we have more time for the emotions to come to the surface... and now that we're pregnant I find myself afraid to eat my feelings for fear of hurting the embryo with too much sugar or something (not entirely rational I know...)....


@chucktgirl - we are located in Toronto, so yeah, it's a fairly large area I suppose.   I think though, that support for mental health is generally lacking in our province as a whole.  I know one of the hospitals here offers a mindfullness-based stress reduction course for couples who are being treated for IF at their clinic.    I'm hoping that the program we're being referred to will help us by not only providing some therapy, but may also help us get enrolled in those courses, or some other wholistic resource-type groups as well.  


It's strange though, I can't seem to find a lot on treating PTSD-like symptoms from IF...  It's a weird place to be in.   I feel pretty damaged these days: anxious mostly, and unable to process a lot of stimuli or other peoples' needs without being totally overwhelmed....  I feel under-resourced really.   As if the Infertility process destroyed my confidence in my ability to be resilient, and my own resources to support myself and my partner have been so limited that I just don't have energy for anyone or anything else really.   But I don't really know what to do with that in terms of moving forward - perhaps it just goes away on its own with time?

I'm interested to hear about others' journeys in this though -- Infertility is a strange club to belong to

anations

I do encourage you guys to see a counselor. It did help me. It took a lot for me to accept that I needed to talk to someone but she was great in directing me to strategies in how to deal with it. I tried acupuncture for "fertility" and as it did not help with that (it was in the middle of a few miscarriages) it did help with stress levels. I was just reaching such a terrible place where I felt I could easily plummet to depression and realized I needed to do something about it 1. To have a better relationship with DH. Felt he didn't deserve to deal with my constant sadness and 2. To create as positive an environment as possible for a baby to grow. My acupuncturist was so sweet and she used to say that the baby "chooses" you. Where I might not comety agree, I could see where being as sad and anxious as I was could be a road block. Not that is was perfectly happy and not anxious before the IVF, but I was trying. Good luck all. So sorry you are having to deal with this. It is so hard.

olenkapdx

I have no doubt that I experienced (and maybe still experience) some PTSD symptoms.  Some of this is related to infertility and going through the IVF process, and some is related to previous traumas I've been through with my current and past relationships.  I didn't even announce my pregnancy to most people until I was nearly 20 weeks along.  I definitely found it hard to enjoy what was basically a miracle for me, probably because I was so worried something would happen (heck, I still worry that).  I have relaxed somewhat, probably because I am too exhausted to work up much anxiety these days.   

The things that have helped me cope are counseling, yoga, meditation, and a regular exercise schedule.  Having a trusted friend or family member to confide in is helpful too. 

Editing to add that I *definitely* have anxiety thinking about the possibility of baby #2.  We will have to go through IVF again, no doubt.  I really want to enjoy this LO who is not even "on the outside" yet but SO and I both want to have two children (especially him, he was an only child and hated it).  We didn't have anything to freeze after retrieval (man, I cried and cried at that news...the thought of having to go though all those appointments, injections, and EXPENSE *again*....UGH) so we will be starting from square one, if and when we do.  And we are both staring down 40  Grrrr....ok, off to listen to my meditation tapes.