Pregnant after IF

PTSD after IF?

Hi everyone,

(my partner @Healz413 intro'd for us yesterday, I'm still too scared to jinx this gift of a pregnancy we're holding, but I'm here - and will hopefully get it together to intro soon)

IF-related PTSD is increasingly being recognized as an issue and is the subject of a decent number of articles talking about it as a trend, but I haven't seen a lot mentioned in how people are dealing with it.   As a registered social worker, I also seem a bit stuck on the fact that a PTSD dx doesn't exactly fit with the long-term, ongoing experience of dealing with infertility, so I also wonder if people are getting more diagnosed with generalized anxiety or depression.....    (I personally feel like a traumatic-stress disorder fits better than a generalized anxiety or a depressive disorder, but I don't write the DSM-diagnostic criteria)

What do you think?   and how do you cope?   What has worked?    How are you moving forward from the lingering impacts?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
queer couple - 32 (me) & 33 (my love) years old - donor sperm,

Our IF/TTC journey since Nov 2012.

Me: dx of DOR in Nov. 2012. Low AMH, AFC - 6, Normal FSH, SS-A (RO) Antibodies (Autoimmune issues), tubes clear, Sono (November 2013) NORMAL! <p>

7 IUI's - December 2012-September 2013.  Medicated, Injected, Triggered.... all BFN.

My Love:  (the amazing @Healz413)
Normal AMH & FSH, AFC ~27, blocked tube dx'd via HSG in 2012.   Hydrosalpinx & ovarian cyst dx'd in May 2013.
dx of Stage IV Endo & bilateral salpinectomy in June 2013.  

image

Partner IVF#1a- December 2013 - H's eggs, my Ute - CANCELLED due to low response
Partner IVF #1b - February 2014 - H's eggs, my Ute - ER February 4 (10 retrieved, 3 fertilized), Transfer Feb 7 of one Grade 1 and one Grade 2 day 3 embryos.  1 - Day 3, Grade 1 frosty saved.   BFP - 6dp3dt via FRER, Beta #1 - 110, Beta #2 175, Beta #3 - 348, Beta #4 - 2222!, Beta #5 - 4255.  Ultrasound (6w1d) - 2 heartbearts!  

We lost our beautiful Twin baby girls on June 18, 2014.  Tavin Sara and Casey Elizabeth were born at 21 weeks gestation and were absolutely beautiful, precious, amazing babies.  We miss our daughters every day and love them with all our hearts.

image

Re: PTSD after IF?

  • I was definitely traumatized by cycling through IF and the horrendous heartache and anxiety. How did I cope? Time, wine and food!!!
    Now 23weeks pregnant and on the mend. I actually feel like this pregnancy might work!!!
    Me:35,  DH: 39   
    TTC since March 2011. All bloodword, SA & HSG are normal.  
    8/12: Clomid & TI - BFN 
    10/12: Colmid & TI - BFN 
    3/13:  Clomid, Trigger & IUI - BFN 
    4/13: Gonal F, Trigger & IUI: BFN  
    6/13: IVF #1 (1AA blast & 1BB blast) = BFN 
    8/13: FET #1= BFN
    10/13: FET #2= BFP!!!

    BabyFruit Ticker  image
  • I'm pretty sure that I have some mild PTSD from both loss and IF.  I'm looking forward to seeing whether anyone has answers about coping techniques, because I definitely need them.  I was a hot mess on beta days, I actually cried at my desk waiting to call for results because I was so scared/nervous/emotional.  Thinking about US checks (if I make it that far) terrifies me, for now I'm really trying my best to just focus on today and not think about that yet, which is easier said than done.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    TTC since Sept 2011, Unexplained IF
    Oct 12 - Jan 14: 3 clomid/TI cycles, 2 hysteroscopies, 2 IUIs, 1 BFP (MMC @ 12w), 2 more IUIs
    Feb 14: Gonal-f + IUI #5 = BFP! (EDD 11/4/14)
    Baby boy arrived 11/13/14!

  • Loading the player...
  • Before we got married, I was taking meds for depression and anxiety. I went off the meds a few years ago, but after going through treatments my anxiety has definitely returned. I'm still waiting for results from testing to see if I'm even going to keep the pregnancy...and that's not helping things. I also go to school full time and work part time, both triggers for the anxiety. I want to see someone, but I've had bad experiences in the past and I'm not sure I'd have time for appointments with my schedule. That, of course, also contributes to the anxiety. I'm trying my best to cope, but it's difficult. DH is very understanding when I have my mini breakdowns, but I feel like I need to get this under control before baby comes. Especially if we'll have to go through all this for #2.
    {Me:27, Dx:PCOS, LPD, & rob(14;15)}
    {DH:31 all clear, "super sperm"}
    Ecstatically married July 30, 2011--TTC since Jan 2013:::Baby #1 due 9/11, Conceived on cycle #5 of Femara + Hcg + IUI
    ~Love and Light to everyone~ 
    image image
    My furbabies--Mr. Bubbles and Miss Kitty <3
    imageBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker  

    image image
  • @rox825 - I'm pretty much where you are.  I feel like a hot mess most days still, and am anxious around u/s and all the other "checkpoints".   (Yes, I think of them as check-points in my head... if I pass one we may get to get to the next one.....).  It's a horrid way to live.

    @ThoseThreeWords - interesting your brought up cycling again soon after.  This is something my partner and I are talking about as well.   My DOR isn't going to get better the longer we wait, and it looks like her endo is progressing as well... we currently have one day-3 frostie, but having one in the freezer doesn't feel like a very secure plan for a second baby.   Finances are a big concern though, so we're a bit stuck now and just hoping the one we have now keeps growing.

    @brittanyandadam - I dropped my anxiety med when we were preparing for the IVF, and it's a BIG no-no now for us with pregnancy, so I'm sort of just holding on.... my partner is also suffering too, so we're both going back and forth with breakdowns (luckily we are able to support each other pretty well). 


    We just got a referral to a local perinatal mental health program at a hospital nearby.   I'm hoping they might be able to support us a bit better with our anxiety and stress....   Hopefully they are familiar with working with couples going through, and who have been through infertility, because I'm totally not in the mood to describe the impact of what it means to feel like you are hitting every single bad thing that can go wrong with your body or a cycle when there are thousands upon thousands of dollars and tears on the line.   Argh.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    queer couple - 32 (me) & 33 (my love) years old - donor sperm,

    Our IF/TTC journey since Nov 2012.

    Me: dx of DOR in Nov. 2012. Low AMH, AFC - 6, Normal FSH, SS-A (RO) Antibodies (Autoimmune issues), tubes clear, Sono (November 2013) NORMAL! <p>

    7 IUI's - December 2012-September 2013.  Medicated, Injected, Triggered.... all BFN.

    My Love:  (the amazing @Healz413)
    Normal AMH & FSH, AFC ~27, blocked tube dx'd via HSG in 2012.   Hydrosalpinx & ovarian cyst dx'd in May 2013.
    dx of Stage IV Endo & bilateral salpinectomy in June 2013.  

    image

    Partner IVF#1a- December 2013 - H's eggs, my Ute - CANCELLED due to low response
    Partner IVF #1b - February 2014 - H's eggs, my Ute - ER February 4 (10 retrieved, 3 fertilized), Transfer Feb 7 of one Grade 1 and one Grade 2 day 3 embryos.  1 - Day 3, Grade 1 frosty saved.   BFP - 6dp3dt via FRER, Beta #1 - 110, Beta #2 175, Beta #3 - 348, Beta #4 - 2222!, Beta #5 - 4255.  Ultrasound (6w1d) - 2 heartbearts!  

    We lost our beautiful Twin baby girls on June 18, 2014.  Tavin Sara and Casey Elizabeth were born at 21 weeks gestation and were absolutely beautiful, precious, amazing babies.  We miss our daughters every day and love them with all our hearts.

    image

  • @ThoseThreeWords --  I hate to ask, but will that impact your feeding choices for your baby?   I just realized reading your posts that I was pretty sure you can't breastfeed and cycle at the same time (because BFing messes with your hormones) -- but I'm not sure....   Shoot, I'm going to have to mention this to my partner because it's going to be a major point of discussion for us.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    queer couple - 32 (me) & 33 (my love) years old - donor sperm,

    Our IF/TTC journey since Nov 2012.

    Me: dx of DOR in Nov. 2012. Low AMH, AFC - 6, Normal FSH, SS-A (RO) Antibodies (Autoimmune issues), tubes clear, Sono (November 2013) NORMAL! <p>

    7 IUI's - December 2012-September 2013.  Medicated, Injected, Triggered.... all BFN.

    My Love:  (the amazing @Healz413)
    Normal AMH & FSH, AFC ~27, blocked tube dx'd via HSG in 2012.   Hydrosalpinx & ovarian cyst dx'd in May 2013.
    dx of Stage IV Endo & bilateral salpinectomy in June 2013.  

    image

    Partner IVF#1a- December 2013 - H's eggs, my Ute - CANCELLED due to low response
    Partner IVF #1b - February 2014 - H's eggs, my Ute - ER February 4 (10 retrieved, 3 fertilized), Transfer Feb 7 of one Grade 1 and one Grade 2 day 3 embryos.  1 - Day 3, Grade 1 frosty saved.   BFP - 6dp3dt via FRER, Beta #1 - 110, Beta #2 175, Beta #3 - 348, Beta #4 - 2222!, Beta #5 - 4255.  Ultrasound (6w1d) - 2 heartbearts!  

    We lost our beautiful Twin baby girls on June 18, 2014.  Tavin Sara and Casey Elizabeth were born at 21 weeks gestation and were absolutely beautiful, precious, amazing babies.  We miss our daughters every day and love them with all our hearts.

    image

  • I was definitely traumatized by cycling through IF and the horrendous heartache and anxiety. How did I cope? Time, wine and food!!! Now 23weeks pregnant and on the mend. I actually feel like this pregnancy might work!!!
    Welcome, Manada, and congratulations! It is very interesting that you bring this subject up. I have never thought of it as PTSD, but I think it is a valid possibility. I never felt depressed. I felt something else. IF has definitely changed me, and my DH. And that sucks. I have no gratitude for it "making me a stronger person." I looked into seeing a counselor, but the nearest one I found who specialized in infertility was an hour away. I have no more time to devote to driving to various annoying sessions. I have no desire to confide in a counselor who has not walked in my shoes or does not understand explicitly what it means to have balanced so long in my IF heels!  How I've always dealt with it thus far is what @AJC&amp;Maggie said above: time, wine and food. Now that I'm actually PG, it's a new world with new mental challenges. I'm the first to admit that I'm probably not handling it the best. My OB's partner took me aside last week and said, "You HAVE to stop worrying and start enjoying this pregnancy." I looked him in the eyes and said, "No." Because I simply can't. Not right now. I allow small bursts of joy, but that is it.
    I am very intrigued that your hospital has a perinatal mental health program! Do you live in a metropolitan area? I have not been able to find much in the way of support around here. Thanks for bringing up this topic!

    imageimageimageimageimageimageimageimage
    My BLOG: www.ivfbabyquest.wordpress.com -Update - old blog.

    PAIF/SAIF Welcome!
    Me: 42, Hubby: 35, TTC since Jan 2010. Dx: DOR due to advanced maternal age. Also: Hypothyroidism (100mcg Levothyroxin). Positive for MTHFR (hetero-C677T), Factor V Leiden, and Fragile X (on DH side). Taking pre-natal vitamins
    .
    First natural PG 9/27/11; mc: 1/20/12

    First RE visit: 8/8/12, Saline Sonogram: 8/28/12, IVF injection class: 10/11/12, add FaBB Tab for FVL, +Vitamin D.
    IVF #1: 10/17/12 Baseline: FSH- 9.4, E2- 24, LH- 3.7, Prog- 0.3 The u/s showed 6 follicles in my right  & 9 in my left. Rx: 150 Bravelle & 150 Menopur SQ nightly. 10/21/12: Add Ganirelix SQ every morning.
    ER 10/28/12: 13 Retreived. 7 Mature. 6 Fertilized. 5 Made it to PGS. ET 11/2/12: CANCELED. All 5 came back from PGS as having "severe abnormalities."
    IVF #2: 1/7/13 Baseline: FSH- 8.8, 4 follicles in my right & 6 in my left. Rx: 150 Bravelle & 150 Menopur SQ nightly. 1/11/13: Add Ganirelix SQ every morning. hCG Trigger 1/16/13

    ER 1/18/13: 9 Retrieved. 5 Mature. 5 Fertilized. 2 Made it to PGS. ET 1/23/13: CANCELED. All embryos (he even sent the ones not growing) came back from PGS as having "multiple severe abnormalities."
    IVF #3:
    NEW RE! 3/1/13 Baseline: FSH- 9.6, E2- 61, Prog- 0.94, 3 follicles in my right & 4 in my left. Rx: 150 Bravelle& 150 Menopur SQ in PM. 3/7/13: Add Ganirelix SQ in AM. hCG Trigger 3/9/13 SQ.
    ER 3/11/13: 6R, 2M, 2F. Day 3: one 8 cell, grade 0.  Five day ET 3/16/13: one early blast, grade Fair. 3/24/13 AF came a day before beta. BFN

    IVF #4: 
    (Added acupuncture to this cycle.) 3/25/13 WTF & Baseline: FSH-11.8, E2- 56, Prog- 0.84 3/26/13 Start stims. 3/30/13 u/s: 5 follicles in my right & 4 in my left. Rx: 225 Bravelle& 225 Menopur SQ in PM. 3/31/13 Add Ganirelix SQ in AM.hCG Trigger 4/3/13 SQ.
    ER 4/5/13: 5R, 3M, 3F naturally. Day 3: two 8 cell, grade 0, one 8 cell, grade 2 (Scale 0-best to 3-worst). Five day ET 4/10/13: two blastocysts (the 3rd stopped growing.) Beta 4/18/13: 2.5 BFFN. RE recommends we stop trying and focus on living childless, due to the extremely poor quality of my eggs.
    ***Decided to stop trying and live CFNBC. I couldn't adjust. So, six months later...

    IVF #5: Changed RE. Going to one of the big name clinics now. OWDU: 10/29/13. Update: HORRIBLE experience. Disgusted and distraught at their complete unprofessionalism and how much money and precious time they cost us. Sickening. Have now changed RE again. New Patient appt. 1/30/14.
    BFP! Out of nowhere, I got KU the old fashioned way! POAS 1/26/14 - Positive! FDLM 12/30/13. Beta #1 16dpo= 373. Beta #2 18dpo= 801. EDD 10/6/14
    2/4/14 1st U/S revealed a 5wk2day sac but no fetal pole. Started 200mgs of progesterone suppositories daily
    2/11/14 2nd U/S revealed a perfect 6wk1day "diamond ring" embryo with a beating heart! 138bpm! Add 1mg folic acid and 40mg Lovenox
    2/25/14 3rd U/S: perfect 8w1d embryo, 178bpm. 3/6 start spotting. 3/11 10w1d U/S shows no heartbeat. Scheduling D&C. The Stork has forsaken me again.
    IVF #5.2: New in-state RE. Supplement priming for 1.5 cycles prior to start of cycle, including DHEA 50mg (stopped 5/15), CoQ10 200mg 2x/day, L-Arginine- 1000mg 2x/day (stopped 6/5 due to cold sore!), myo-inositol- 2g 2x/day, melatonin- 3mg, and Neevo (prenatal for MTHFR).
    5/16/14 Day 2 bw cycle prior: FSH- 12.22, E2- 38.37, Prog- 1.35, LH- 9.46. 6/2/14 Day 19 bw: Prog- 23
    6/12/14 Baseline: E2- 122.7, Prog- 0.4. 5 follicles in left, 4 follicles in right. Start stims: 375IU Follistim & 150IU Menopur. 6/19 Increase Follistim to 425IU, Menopur still 150IU. 6/18 add Ganirelix. 6/23 Ovidrel trigger SQ. 6/25 ER: 8R, 8M, 5F naturally. Start Medrol & Doxy. 6/26 Start Endometrin. 7/2 Start Lovenox.
    7/8/14 Beta= 137.4 BFP!!! (My first from IVF!) E2- 1109, Prog- >60. Stop CoQ10, myo-inositol, and melatonin. 7/9 2nd Beta= 281.4. TSH- 2.70. Increasing Synthroid to 100mcg daily. 7/24 6w3d u/s measured 6w3d, hb: 121bmp! 8/5 8w1d u/s measured 8w3d, hb: 164bpm! Graduated from RE to OB. Now I just need to find an OB!
    EDD 3/18/15!

  • @AJC&amp;Maggie and @chucktgirl - - we really did embrace the "food therapy" part of the IF process... and even more so during IVF...   For us, food and movies really become our escape from stress during that time.  

    I find more now though that they aren't cutting it as well... it's almost like now that we're out of the action of the IVF process we have more time for the emotions to come to the surface... and now that we're pregnant I find myself afraid to eat my feelings for fear of hurting the embryo with too much sugar or something (not entirely rational I know...)....


    @chucktgirl - we are located in Toronto, so yeah, it's a fairly large area I suppose.   I think though, that support for mental health is generally lacking in our province as a whole.  I know one of the hospitals here offers a mindfullness-based stress reduction course for couples who are being treated for IF at their clinic.    I'm hoping that the program we're being referred to will help us by not only providing some therapy, but may also help us get enrolled in those courses, or some other wholistic resource-type groups as well.  


    It's strange though, I can't seem to find a lot on treating PTSD-like symptoms from IF...  It's a weird place to be in.   I feel pretty damaged these days: anxious mostly, and unable to process a lot of stimuli or other peoples' needs without being totally overwhelmed....  I feel under-resourced really.   As if the Infertility process destroyed my confidence in my ability to be resilient, and my own resources to support myself and my partner have been so limited that I just don't have energy for anyone or anything else really.   But I don't really know what to do with that in terms of moving forward - perhaps it just goes away on its own with time?

    I'm interested to hear about others' journeys in this though -- Infertility is a strange club to belong to ;)
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    queer couple - 32 (me) & 33 (my love) years old - donor sperm,

    Our IF/TTC journey since Nov 2012.

    Me: dx of DOR in Nov. 2012. Low AMH, AFC - 6, Normal FSH, SS-A (RO) Antibodies (Autoimmune issues), tubes clear, Sono (November 2013) NORMAL! <p>

    7 IUI's - December 2012-September 2013.  Medicated, Injected, Triggered.... all BFN.

    My Love:  (the amazing @Healz413)
    Normal AMH & FSH, AFC ~27, blocked tube dx'd via HSG in 2012.   Hydrosalpinx & ovarian cyst dx'd in May 2013.
    dx of Stage IV Endo & bilateral salpinectomy in June 2013.  

    image

    Partner IVF#1a- December 2013 - H's eggs, my Ute - CANCELLED due to low response
    Partner IVF #1b - February 2014 - H's eggs, my Ute - ER February 4 (10 retrieved, 3 fertilized), Transfer Feb 7 of one Grade 1 and one Grade 2 day 3 embryos.  1 - Day 3, Grade 1 frosty saved.   BFP - 6dp3dt via FRER, Beta #1 - 110, Beta #2 175, Beta #3 - 348, Beta #4 - 2222!, Beta #5 - 4255.  Ultrasound (6w1d) - 2 heartbearts!  

    We lost our beautiful Twin baby girls on June 18, 2014.  Tavin Sara and Casey Elizabeth were born at 21 weeks gestation and were absolutely beautiful, precious, amazing babies.  We miss our daughters every day and love them with all our hearts.

    image

  • I do encourage you guys to see a counselor. It did help me. It took a lot for me to accept that I needed to talk to someone but she was great in directing me to strategies in how to deal with it. I tried acupuncture for "fertility" and as it did not help with that (it was in the middle of a few miscarriages) it did help with stress levels. I was just reaching such a terrible place where I felt I could easily plummet to depression and realized I needed to do something about it 1. To have a better relationship with DH. Felt he didn't deserve to deal with my constant sadness and 2. To create as positive an environment as possible for a baby to grow. My acupuncturist was so sweet and she used to say that the baby "chooses" you. Where I might not comety agree, I could see where being as sad and anxious as I was could be a road block. Not that is was perfectly happy and not anxious before the IVF, but I was trying. Good luck all. So sorry you are having to deal with this. It is so hard.

     

  • olenkapdxolenkapdx member
    edited March 2014
    I have no doubt that I experienced (and maybe still experience) some PTSD symptoms.  Some of this is related to infertility and going through the IVF process, and some is related to previous traumas I've been through with my current and past relationships.  I didn't even announce my pregnancy to most people until I was nearly 20 weeks along.  I definitely found it hard to enjoy what was basically a miracle for me, probably because I was so worried something would happen (heck, I still worry that).  I have relaxed somewhat, probably because I am too exhausted to work up much anxiety these days. ;)  

    The things that have helped me cope are counseling, yoga, meditation, and a regular exercise schedule.  Having a trusted friend or family member to confide in is helpful too. 

    Editing to add that I *definitely* have anxiety thinking about the possibility of baby #2.  We will have to go through IVF again, no doubt.  I really want to enjoy this LO who is not even "on the outside" yet but SO and I both want to have two children (especially him, he was an only child and hated it).  We didn't have anything to freeze after retrieval (man, I cried and cried at that news...the thought of having to go though all those appointments, injections, and EXPENSE *again*....UGH) so we will be starting from square one, if and when we do.  And we are both staring down 40  Grrrr....ok, off to listen to my meditation tapes. ;)
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