I guess not everyone likes me.

KatieB19

So a mom in my local mom's group asked yesterday for advice regarding her 3yo. Her dd doesn't listen anymore, and the mom has tried time outs, taking away toys, and spanking. She asked, what works for you. Well, what works for me is positive parenting, and it seems (from her own description) that that type of approach has not occurred to her, so I told her what we do. I'm not obnoxious enough to think that what works for me works for every family, and I don't preach, but if someone asks "what works for you" I'm honest. Someone else asking that question is what got me reading about different parenting styles in the first place, so I kind of see it as an opportunity to think outside a personal comfort zone or belief system.

Well I found out that another mom thinks that I am being a total bitch for commenting like that. What makes me think that I should tell this mom what she needs to do, who am I to claim that my kid is perfect and always cooperates? Ummm.... I didn't say she had to do anything, I said what worked for US (the question being asked); and I didn't say my kid was perfect and he obviously doesn't always cooperate, he's 3. But the thing is, this mom, and the women who agreed, bitched me out on the special needs board. I am just... I don't even understand. I would never go to the special needs board and pretend that what works for us might work for them. I have no idea about what it means to raise a special needs child and I wouldn't pretend to. The original post was in the regular group. Taken in the context of their board, yes, I can understand I would seem to be a bitch talking about how gentle parenting works for my child. But that isn't what I did.

I know I can't be friends with everyone, but I am the type of person who believes that, if I can't be friends with someone, there is at least a logical reason. This doesn't seem logical to me. And it really hurts my feelings that someone thinks I was intentionally rubbing my "perfect" child in the faces of those who struggle. It just really hitting me for some reason.

Chapter79

This is why I don't have many friends.  Honestly.  I think women can be SO catty and bitchy. And this just isn't my thing, so it's hard for me to find true women who aren't like this.  I see it even more now since my DD is in school, and it sucks.

I'm sorry she completely turned your words around and hurt your feelings   That sucks, especially since she asked you for advice and you gave it.  And told how you do it. She asked! Not like you said "it has to be this way, you must do it!!" ..  I wouldn't even want friends like that. I'd rather be friendless.

*hugs*

KatieB19

I wasn't clear in my rambling. The woman who asked for the advice wasn't complaining about me. It was a separate mom not even involved in the conversation. Apparently she's annoyed that I always suggest positive parenting because it's clearly unrealistic that this advice would work for anyone but my completely compliant child.

I know my kid is probably better than some, but he's also worse than others. That's how it goes! I've spent an embarrassing amount of time crying in the bathroom because my "perfect" child has hit me again and I have no idea how to deal with it. AND I'VE POSTED ABOUT THAT BEFORE!

This wasn't on thebump, it's in my local mom's group on fb. The group is large, so there are actually several separate groups associated with it. I don't think she remembers that I'm in the special needs group, but I am because I'm one of the admin.

Shabutie

lildis09 said:

Unfortunately this happens all of the time. Try not to let it get to you. Sometimes when people ask for advice I've noticed that they are really just asking for you to agree or commiserate, not for advice that may be different from what they're already doing.

This! Word. For. Word. Seriously, when I was a bump noob and someone asked for advice, I was "stupid" and actually would give advice. I had no idea this was a "no no".... Well, at least it was on my BMB, anyways. People apparently HATE it when you tell them that things are working out just fine for you and try to tell them why and that they can try too.
Eventually I just stopped caring. I won't post anything helpful on that board again because I couldn't care less what they think of me, or that they just think I'm rubbing it in. Why should this place be somewhere where you can celebrate the good things and be helpful instead of just commiserating and attacking the ones who have everything under control? lol, all they do is make me really want to rub it in their faces that my daughter has slept though the night(like, 12-13hrs STRAIGHT) since around 4 months old Ohhhh sleep, I do love you so

I kind of got off track, lol. Anyways, I didn't see your advice, but I bet lurkers have tried it and it has worked for them. I had one person, ONE, say that she tried what I suggested once, and she was so happy about it. That made me feel really good, even though everybody else just scoffed...

Lol, sorry, I happen to have a lot of experience in this area

KatieB19

Thanks guys. Sorry my posts are so long. This is honestly the first time this has happened before. I've gotten in arguments WITH people before, but never the talking behind my back thing. At least to my knowledge. Sucks.

TiffanyBerry

Being on the "gentle parenting" bandwagon too, I think part of it is the differences in methodology.  People - especially moms, because we're always thinking we're not doing a good enough job or something - feel like if you say "well, I do all this stuff that's super nice and gentle", you're implying "hey dipsh!t, stop being an azz to your kid and you won't have any trouble; it's all your fault, yo, 'cause you are a mean biatch of a mother."  (I may exaggerate slightly, but you get the point...)

If you talk about some other techniques that are mainstream, and not in the gentle camp, I find the response is different.  (If I talk about how I might implement time-out like things (like toys getting time outs), I get a less negative response than if I talk about coaching through emotions and offering kid-approved alternatives.)  So yeah, I'm super careful how I talk about gentle parenting stuff, and find myself repeating "for me", "for us", "with my daughter", "I'm sure it's partly her personality", and other caveats that are absolutely true, but I add more of them in there than I think is necessary to simply convey the conversation.

KatieB19

LovelyRitaMeterMaid said:

I am part of one mom group on FB and it is for autism.  I get invited to meetings but I'm just sooooo hesitant.  I don't even have any female friends so it's so awkward for me from the get go.  I want to avoid stuff like this because you never know what will offend people when it comes to parenting (SN or no).

Is it possible she took your terminology wrong?  Like, you use "positive parenting", thus her method is "negative"?  Just throwing that out there.

I personally have never spanked or done a TO.  Isla is yet to do something that warrants it.  I HAVE raised my voice and took a firm tone with her to get my point across and she does seem to get it (even given her severe receptive language delay).  She generally listens to me and is upset if I am obviously disappointed.  It works for us, but Isla isn't like every other kid.  I've seen other parents do the same stuff and not have the same results and vice versa.

The woman who asked the question "what works for you" does not have a sn child and was asking in the regular group. The woman who was complaining about me behind my back, who wasn't even part of the conversation, has a sn child and did the complaining the sn group. Apparently it's ridiculous (to her) that I would even suggest such techniques when they don't work for everyone, and she's tired of hearing about "perfect" kids (her words, not mine).

I can completely understand her reaction if I had been talking to a SN mom. I get that I don't understand what it means to parent a sn child, and I would never pretend that I did. And I can't even begin to imagine how frustrating (is that even the word?) it must be at times to struggle with issues that other families might not have. 

Maybe this is just a trigger for her and it isn't about me at all. But it still sucks, you know?

KatieB19

Honestly, I just needed somewhere to vent, if that's what this is. It just hit the wrong way and made me feel like crap and I hoped that writing it out might help. Plus you all are awesome So I'm feeling better at least.

Although I think, like @shabutie, I may have learned my lesson and will just refrain from talking about parenting in general anymore. I'm sure my not responding won't be the end of anyone's world.

Shabutie

KatieB19 said:

Honestly, I just needed somewhere to vent, if that's what this is. It just hit the wrong way and made me feel like crap and I hoped that writing it out might help. Plus you all are awesome So I'm feeling better at least.

Although I think, like @shabutie, I may have learned my lesson and will just refrain from talking about parenting in general anymore. I'm sure my not responding won't be the end of anyone's world.

You can talk about whatever you want over here >:D<