WWYD: Managing 2 career tracks

KayteeGee

Hi ladies - Need your help figuring out what I need to consider and how we both manage our career tracks.

DH is finishing a top-tier (exec)MBA in May.  His goal has always been to change fields. He now has two great opportunities:

1. A really fantastic exec-fast track program in our local major industry
2. An opportunity to join a really well funded company that's past the true "start up" phase, but still pre-IPO or purchase.  It's highly lauded in the business world and is in a field that he's always been very interested in and he likes that it could "help people" (this is NOT an entirely altruistic venture, don't get me wrong. It's not a non profit or a charity or anything, DH just values its "mission").  The hitch: It's in another state (about 5hr drive).

So this is especially complicated by the fact that I am a high level executive at a firm I love doing work I really enjoy.  I'm undeniably LUCKY to have found this opportunity in my field (been here 10 years, arrived at the right time, worked hard). The only way I could be better compensated (honestly) is if I started my own firm and it was wildly successful (I have no desire to do this. EVER).

And, I'm pregnant.  So we'll have 2 kiddos by the fall.

My two biggest fears in life are coming head to head with this:
1. That DH will get resentful and someday leave us because he thinks he didn't do everything he could have because of me and kiddos.
2. That I will become a bag lady (yes, I know this is dramatic, I don't know where it comes from... I didn't grow up poor, but OMG I have nightmares of this)

So - How do you prioritize careers with your spouse?? Do we stay here just because I make more than he does? Would you sacrifice your career on the hopes that a career change (relatively) late in life would make up for that income?

We would have to eventually move for DH option #2 (i think he could commute for a while though).  I would love to work less but I have no idea what I'd do, if I'd be fulfilled in a different version of this job (without such stimulating clients, bosses, team etc...) especially as it would come with a significant pay cut.  On the flip side, his local opportunity is really fantastic.  If he forgoes it it's not something that he'd have a shot at again (I think he'll do great at it!).  We love our home and our friends here...

What do I need to think about or consider when taking all of this in? I can't really talk about this to my close friends because if word gets out that we may move it would be awful for my clients and my really fantastic bosses.  ANY advice or thoughts would be SO appreciated. I'm sure I'm missing something.

jf198400

From an outsiders perspective it sounds like your DH should take the local job. If both opportunities are appealing to him, and the local one means you don't have to give up your job and uproot your family, it sounds like a clear winner. If he wants to pursue other options later on, you can always reevaluate then.

aglenn

It sounds like you are jumping to the conclusion that he really wants job #2 and will be crushed if he takes job #1.  Has he actually said this or are you just assuming the worst?  I think the first step is to talk directly with him about it.  Part of being a family is making choices that benefit the family as a whole, so career decisions are different than they might be in your single days, but that is not necessarily a disaster. 

I personally would not want to move away from friends and family unless it was a really, really good opportunity that we were both supportive of.  We did move cross-country for DH's job, and even though it was pre-kids and I was able to transfer within my same company, and even though I knew it was the right thing...it was still very hard for a lot of reasons.  I wouldn't do it just because I thought maybe he might prefer a different job. 

jlaOK

Surely you guys have discussed if moving is something that both of you would be willing to and/or want to do.  If it's something that is on the table then I would start researching other companies for you to work in the area of job #2.  In order for it to be worth it, the aggregate of positives for both jobs together would have to outweigh the negatives.

For DH and I, we have agreed not to leave the area that we are in.  Because of this DH has had to move up more slowly and has missed out on some opportunities he would have had if he was willing to move.  Although he makes more than I do I am in a "dream" position where I can WFH, work PT, and have complete flexibility.  Those factors mean a lot to us.  Those plus the fact that we are near both sets of families means that DH can only look for local positions.

KayteeGee

Thanks. You all bring up good points.

And to answer:  yes, maybe I am a little dramatic, and maybe it's coming from divorced parents, but I just would never want him to feel like he couldn't pursue his "dream"

FWIW my DH is really amazing - super open and honest and very, very compassionate, so in all likelihood I'm just over dramatic - I did say those were my two "biggest fears" not that they were, necessarily, rational .

We are talking about it openly, I think I'm just not sure I am thinking of all the right questions to consider.  I think I'm fairly averse to change in nature, so I don't want that to cloud my judgement.  I could get a job in the new area, but I know long-term my income is just very likely not repeatable (and maybe that's not a bad thing? Maybe I don't need to fast-track it all the time).

@aglenn @amy052006 You're both right that we need (and have) a lot of support - but most of it is paid (ie: we don't live in either of our hometowns so aside from my parents visiting which, to be fair, they do A LOT we don't have family here to help)

However, given that the offer is what's expected, if everything else were equal, I know he would prefer job 2 over job 1. 

Maybe because I've been putting his career goals ahead of pretty much everything as he's worked on this program for the last two years (commuting several hundred miles every other weekend; and putting a hell of a lot of money to this program) I'm having trouble seeing that maybe my job and our life here is worth just as much.

sigh.  thanks ladies.  appreciate it.

KayteeGee

jf198400 said:

From an outsiders perspective it sounds like your DH should take the local job. If both opportunities are appealing to him, and the local one means you don't have to give up your job and uproot your family, it sounds like a clear winner. If he wants to pursue other options later on, you can always reevaluate then.

Thanks for this.  I think what I don't have a handle on (and what I've asked him to frame for me) is really what level of opportunity #2 is.  I just don't know much about the entrepreneurship/start up world so I guess I don't know if an opportunity like this even would come around again (does that make sense?)

KayteeGee

K3am said:

PrivacyWanted said:

I think it's very hard to gauge what working at a start up means/could mean.  Because of where we live/have lived we have a quite few friends that have started with Tech start ups that were up & coming, about to hit the IPO level etc.  For some taking the risk on the start-up paid off very very well, for others, not so much.  Simply because of your immediate needs, I would talk with your DH and weigh what the opportunity there means right now, are the benefits of it enough to consider without considering the "when it hits IPO and we become millionaires" factor.  If it is, then maybe the possibility that it could paid off tenfold is enough to sweeten the move for your family, but if it's not a good deal on its own two feet now, then I'd tell him to take the local opprotunity

This exactly. I live in Silicon Valley, and there's a start up on every street. Even friends who have worked for relative start ups or companies that were pre-IPO, the potential for a pay off is always rare. Any of the long-term perks like an IPO, etc., I think should be taken with a grain of salt. The immediate perks (great work environment, flexibility, movies on Friday, jeans, ping pong tables in the break room, etc) are definitely something to consider)  are definitely worth considering. 

Yeah, I hear you both (and am grateful for your responses).  I'm also pretty risk averse so I just can't imagine putting any "real" stock in an "IPO Millionaire's" scenario.  I just (truly) have no clue how "good" the opportunity is... We'll see how DH frames it up for me.  

I guess I can't imagine leaving the security I have - I mean, I have a great job, phenomenal bosses, and an unparalelled (in the industry) compensation structure - if we may or may not get it back again.  Now, I work a ton and I can get kind of stressed, but those both seem manageable to me - even if it means outside help - housekeeper, nanny when DD arrives (DS is actually in daycare now), etc... but I don't want to be a dream killer simply because I'm afraid to not have the financial resources we currently do. 

blah.

thanks for the insight.

groovygrl

I agree that the local job sounds better for now...he'll get his feet wet post-MBA and with little kids and a new baby, the stability at your current location would be a priority for us.  It sounds like you understand his desire for his career so maybe in the future when kids are a little older & relocating might be an easier option and you might be willing/interested to pull back on your job, it will be his turn to go for it...?

As someone whose career takes a total backseat to MH's b/c his compensation is substantially more than mine, I think it is awesome that you're taking so much care to address both your careers... but also as that person, I will say that I understand why our family needs to follow MH's career, as it is what currently (& most like always in our case) supports our lifestyle & our future, and I suspect your H will be understanding about your family's situation even if the other one sounds really exciting to him. There were a lot of jobs I couldn't even consider applying for when we moved to where we are b/c of MH's job and it was sometimes frustrating & disappointing but in the long run it all worked out for me/us anyway.

GL!

bcnoelle

I would stay where you are and keep your job- because you love it!  Two career tracks are so difficult and often one or both of you have to compromise.  It doesn't sound like your DH is very unhappy where he is and who knows if he really will love the new job.  It might just look good on paper.