Do I have a stick up my bum? RE: gofundme

Helenahhandbasket

I am honestly asking, so if I do please call me out.

Long story short, a good friend of mine is living here (in the US) and her hubby is overseas.  They were both overseas for a few years (living in the country where he is from orig.), but she moved back here to get an apartment, a job, and to get set up here.  As soon as she did that, he was going to come back here and join her (he had a work commitment).

There are problems with the hubby's visa getting approved-- he put some incorrect information on an application and it came back to haunt him.  They are appealing the decision, and it's been dragging on-- and now it's been over a year since they have seen each other.  Totally crappy.

Here's the stick up the butt part-- friend set up a gofundme account to raise money for a plane ticket to visit hubby and to cover some legal fees.  She has the link on her FB page.  I wasn't going to comment on it, but she asked me directly (in person) if I thought it was gauche (her word) and I answered honestly: yes.

So now friend is being passive agressively mad at me and telling me everytime someone makes a donation to her account (I guess to prove that people dig the idea.)

So, let me have it.  Am I a stuck up B?

JackoftheBox

Here is my input. Do I think it's tacky (<-- my choice of wording) yes. Is it any of your business no, BUT if she asked you and wanted an honest opinion then she should have been prepared to HEAR that honest opinion. 

So no I don't think your a stuck up B. I think she is someone who can't handle the truth.

myatala

No stick. It sucks she hasn't been able to see her husband but it's not like trying to scrape up the cash to see a dying relative or attend a funeral. I am a little sympathetic to legal fees because they suck hard but it's their responsibility. When people from different countries get involved they must know there will be challenges no matter where they choose to reside. It's not uncommon to be kept apart by red tape. Her passive aggressiveness about received donations would bug the shit out of me.

JackoftheBox

I'm sorry I can't even see it for legal fee's. 

Helenahhandbasket

To clarify-- I am not sure what the incorrect information was, and I don't know if it was intentional or not.

She's a good friend, and I genuinely feel bad for her because if the visa gets denied again, she's going to be at a loss.  She's also already spent thousands of dollars in legal fees this far.

@bostonkisses2 - I guess the legal fees are preventing her from saving up like she normally could.  The hubby makes only enough money to get by, so he can't help at all.

I know this is becoming "a thing" but it seems sort of icky to me.

Helenahhandbasket

 

YellowWallpaper12 said:

I'm kind of with you on this one. Legal fees I can kind of see, but how much are plane tickets that she has to set up a fundraiser?

What's rubbing me the wrong way is that she's updating you when people donate. Sorry she didn't like the opinion that she asked for, but she's coming off as smug.

I guess this is the B part-- I think it's even a bad idea for the legal fees.  It just seems so -entitled?  I am not sure if that's the right word or not. 

If it matters, they aren't young (they are late 30s early 40s).  I am mentioning that because I do think some younger people have a tendency to feel entitled. 

She said the plane ticket is about 1200.00-- not sure if that's one way or round trip.

 

Helenahhandbasket

LOL-- I JUST got a text from her saying she's "up to 1100.00".

No you guys are right-- it's not my business, but I know that I can be a little judgemental sometimes and need a reality check.   

I don't plan to bring it up to her AT ALL, btw.  I just texted back "nice."  I am not sure what else to say, yanno?

hopefulmom81

I think it is SUPER weird that she set up her own GoFundMe for a non-critical situation.  If someone set one up for her, that would be one thing, but it is very tacky to do that for yourself, imo.

SHE ASKED YOU!  So, you should tell her how you honestly feel, isn't that what friends do?

Tell her to pick up a second job.

Helenahhandbasket

hopefulmom81 said:

I think it is SUPER weird that she set up her own GoFundMe for a non-critical situation.  If someone set one up for her, that would be one thing, but it is very tacky to do that for yourself, imo.

SHE ASKED YOU!  So, you should tell her how you honestly feel, isn't that what friends do?

Tell her to pick up a second job.

She said another friend of hers told her to set it up (someone I don't know) so maybe she didn't realize it's not a good idea to set it up yourself?

I agree with the second job thing, but I would never suggest it. 

gwendarling

omg I am itchy all over imagining myself in your situation as you receive that stupid text "Up to 1100." You are certainly a bigger person than me, I absolutely hate pass/agg behavior.

tifdaski84

I don't like the idea at all.  Like a PP said, it seems so entitled.  Yeah, I could get on board if a friend/family member set it up for her to help her out but, the fact that she's asking for the money herself for herself is crazy weird.  And the whole update thing is douchey.

amie444

I really don't like these at all.  I am sorry.  I don't like it when bands put them up to fund records.  I just don't like them  Part of doing something like a trip or the like is earning the money to go.

TiffanyBerry

Depends - does she have the sort of job where it would be virtually impossible for her to ever save up funds for a plane ticket?  If so, then I don't think it's ridiculous of her.

If she has a job that pays well enough that with scrimping and saving they can cover their own responsibilities, then yeah, I judge that sh!t hard.  (Though I'd probably keep relatively quiet about it for a friend.)

Helenahhandbasket

TiffanyBerry said:

Depends - does she have the sort of job where it would be virtually impossible for her to ever save up funds for a plane ticket?  If so, then I don't think it's ridiculous of her.

If she has a job that pays well enough that with scrimping and saving they can cover their own responsibilities, then yeah, I judge that sh!t hard.  (Though I'd probably keep relatively quiet about it for a friend.)

We have the same job (we used to work together years ago, became friends and when she moved back to the US I got her a job at the place I work now) so I know she doesn't make a ton, and we live in a very HCOL area.

I definitely am keeping my feelings (mostly) to myself.  I won't bring it up to her again.  I guess when I have needed help in the past I went to my parents, who drew up a loan contract and I paid back every penny.  I wouldn't even ask my own parents to just give me money, which is what this is.

Here I go-- getting judgy again.

 

TittsMcGee

I would not donate. Sorry.

H & I agreed that we'd only donate & help for medical costs. Funding someone's plane ticket, sorry I don't have disposable income.

Deac130

I don't like it either. Like others have said, if she asks for opinions she needs to be prepared for the negative ones. I think it is ridiculous to text you whenever she gets a donation. I wouldn't respond at all.

eyenigh

For those types of things I'm usually only in for severe medical hardships or unexpected deaths. She needs to stop texting you about it. She asked for your opinion and you gave it. She's probably waiting for you to tell her it was a good idea after all and is missing the point that it is the asking itself that is inappropriate.