Grandparent Issues (long)

abwatts

Does anyone else have problems with the grandparents not respecting boundaries while in the NICU? My mother does not understand why she can't just go up to the hospital whenever she wants to look at my babies. I know she loves them and all but it's just allll about her. When can SHE see then, when can SHE touch then, when can SHE hold them.. She asked the dr when grandparents get to hold... My babies were 2 days old and i hadn't even gotten to kiss them them yet!! I was livid!!! It's the only thing she cares about.

I've tried having a very rational and calm conversation with her about the medical reasons why my children don't need everyone up there all the time and why she can't touch them or hold them yet. But that conversation did not end well when she told me she knew hold I felt better than I did (!!!!!!!) and I was being selfish and that "she's the grandmother". Every other person is remarkably supportive.. But my mother is so short sided that she thinks I'm just trying to keep her away from my babies for some paranoid reason. But she is such the victim...

But I won't apologize for protecting my children. Anytime that other people are up at the hospital takes away time I get to spend with them. I have heart attacks thinking about them coming home and everyone wanting to hold them.. Because I don't want to let them go.. And we are months away from them coming home....

This is not new behavior from my mom, and I'm not even surprised... I'm just terribly disappointed that she continues to act like this and stress me out (to the point of I have to pump before she gets to the hospital because I decrease in volume so much after she visits due to stress!!) I even had to put a note in our file that nobody was allowed to come to the NICU without us there because I'm afraid I would show up and she would just be there doing my job!!

Sorry it's such a long vent.., luckily everyone else in our life "get it" and support us 100%

LucyRicardo3

oh, I get it. totally.

KTZ17

My MIL drove me nuts while DD was in the NICU and when she first came home. She didn't seem to get the stress that her being in the hospital was putting on me & DH. It got to the point where I regretted DH putting her on the list of visitors. She doesn't drive so she would try to guilt DH about not picking her up to go to the hospital. He works 20 minutes north of the hospital and she lives 20 minutes south. He didn't want to waste time when he could have been with his daughter to go get his mom. So she figured out how to take the bus and it seemed like she always got there just when DH arrived, which meant one of us had to leave the NICU (usually me) because our NICU had a policy of only 2 people at LO's bedside at a time. Really, you have to come while we're both there and want to be together with our child even though you don't work so you could come ANY time?? Then I ended up telling her nurses to make sure she wasn't touching DD while I wasn't there and then when she was in the open isolette I was afraid she'd pick her up. When we came home she was constantly asking DH to come get her so she could come over and she would want to hold DD the entire time she was at our house. She never asked if we needed help cooking or doing laundry, no. Just hogged our baby and let her little head flop around and wore excessive amounts of perfume despite our requests for her not to. So I get the mom frustration, although she's not my mom. MIL didn't seem to get that DD wasn't a healthy full term baby and that that would upset us and stress us out. It was all about her seeing HER baby and holding HER baby and taking pictures with the flash on of HER baby. STFU she's MY baby. I hope you tell your mom off. I came close to telling MIL off about the perfume.

abwatts

Oh KT... I told her off big time after the first week. I tried to be calm but after telling me that she knew how I felt better than I did I ripped into her.. I believe I told her I was a F** mama bear and to stop poking me and to just back off... She apologized eventually but I didn't really acknowledge it. I don't have time for her drama (again thus is nothing new).. I've taken the high road and I send her periodic updates and let her come once a week to visit.. But no touching.. Nobody is allowed to touch while they are in isolettes.. She tried the other day and almost got kicked out. Follow OUR rules... It's not that hard.

Even with doctors and nurses telling her things and going on and in about how me and my DH are doing everything right all she cares about is when SHE gets to do things!!


OH and she asked if my babies did any "tricks" when my FIL came to visit!! My babies are not performers!!

Grr!

Pips09

I'm so sorry you are dealing with that. To be honest, I would probably put some distance betwen you and her. You have enough to deal with, and anyone who is causing you extra stress doesn't need to be around you. I know that sounds harsh, but it's really about you and your babies right now.

abwatts

I totally get the accessory thing! I was always shown off by my parents.... They just don't GET IT. I think a huge issue for her is that her friends assume she's at the hospital all the time, and she's jealous of all the time they are spending with their grandbabies.. But even if we had gone full term she would not be getting all this "holding time"... But it's again all about how SHE looks and her feelings..

Oh what's better? After our blow out her "fiancé" whom I have met maybe 5 times texted me and told me to go easy on my mom it's a hard time for HER!!!! I'm postpartum with two babies in the NICU for at least 10 weeks and he dare get involved???

DH is ready to unload... But we are trying to take deep breaths. I hate that I'm not the only one going through this, but it definitely makes me feel less crazy!!

rslhmg

I was very fortunate that my mother was super understanding. She actually was the one who stayed with me in the rmh while dd was in the nicu, never made it about her. My grandmother, on the other hand, was super drama queens. I figured out of both of our families she would be the most understanding since my mom was a late term preemie and my uncle was a micro preemie who she didnt get to hold for over 2 months. I was pretty shocked and upset that she ended up being the pushiest, least understanding. My mom is the one who actually ended up telling her off, I was too stressed and upset to even speak to her. Dd is almost 2 now, and we still have the occasional issue of her thinking she knows better and making it all about her. Lockdown was a nightmare for us, I ended up having to block her number during it because all I heard from her was guilt trips about dd never knowing her.

abwatts

Bromios I almost spit out my water! Seriously what kind of question is that??? If that's what's she's expecting she will lose interest quickly!

abwatts

Opposite problem with my ILs.. We weren't going to put them on the list because they love far away and would only be able to see them on "family day" which is Saturday anyways.. But that meant my MIL wouldn't get to see the babies for the first time for almost 2 days.. They totally understood and planned on getting us dinner while we took my mom and sis down to meet the boys... Just so gracious and understanding. I ended up putting her on the list because I know when she does come to visit we will want her tj visit more than just during visiting hours... We think she needs to teach "grandparent classes" to my mom.. Poor woman witnessed a lot of crazy

PhillyGal34

Is your Mom my mother-in-law? My mother-in-law once went in and was sitting with my son and I was unable to get into the nicu because she was in there and would not leave. She said you get to sit with him all day I only get a few minutes. But it was my time to do his feedings and he was nursing at the time so I almost missed his feeding. I had to run into the NICU crying to get her to leave.

She has also mentioned how "her baby" was in the hospital and how hard it was on her and how nobody else understands what she went through. Yes... she has said these things to me. I've had to leave the room.


As far as stressing about coming home, don't worry about that yet. Honestly I felt the same way but I was more ok with it when the time came than I thought I would be. I did put a limit on the number of times he could be passed so he wasn't going to a ton of people and stressing him. But as soon as they left he was all mine and dh's. I loved that time.

PhillyGal34

Oh and I wasn't able to see ds for 28 hours after he was born while I was on mag. We let grandparents go in the nicu with dh to see him though. I've heard a million times how mil saw him before I even got to (I did hold him for a second in the delivery room) I finally snapped and said "do you have any idea how painful that is to hear? How hard it was to let anyone see him before I could he there? Have you thought about that at all?" She stopped thankfully.... At least while I'm around.

deebs620

It is interesting to hear all the similar experiences out there. My MIL was very similar...made it all about herself and the struggles she was going through. I can appreciate that she was having a hard time with the experience I just don't want to be the one to have to hear about it! Also the insensitive comments kill me...there was another baby in our family that was born a month early and she made the comment but that baby didn't have any tubes and that grandmother got to hold that baby so therefore that baby was "normal". Thanks MIL...

abwatts

bromios said:

PhillyGal34 said:

Oh and I wasn't able to see ds for 28 hours after he was born while I was on mag. We let grandparents go in the nicu with dh to see him though. I've heard a million times how mil saw him before I even got to (I did hold him for a second in the delivery room) I finally snapped and said "do you have any idea how painful that is to hear? How hard it was to let anyone see him before I could he there? Have you thought about that at all?" She stopped thankfully.... At least while I'm around.

I feel a very strong inclination to get medieval on your MIL. What a bitch. 

Good for you for snapping at her!! They need to know how terrible they are being. My mom told me that they only have so many grandparents... But they only have one freaking mom!!!

She also will offer to do something and if I don't take her up on it she freaking pouts and cries to my sister that I don't love her...sorry, my husbands work has had meals set up for us since day 1... She offers 3 weeks after we've been home... I thanked her and told her it wasn't necessary right now but possibly in a few weeks.. Tears.

It makes me sad for THEM that they are so self involved that these mothers can't see how their children are hurting. As NICU moms we obviously want to hold and feed and be with our babies every second, but sometimes we can't because that's what's best for our babies, but our crazy moms only think about themselves and don't care about what's best for their children or grandchildren... How sad!!

Too bad for her I don't "do guilt"... I care about my babies and my husband and everyone else can either accept how we are choosing to deal or stay away. No apologies

PhillyGal34

I will say this... my mom said something to me one day that made me rethink some of this.  My mom said to me "you are sitting there so worried about your baby... well I'm sitting there worried about mine! (as in me) I've never felt so helpless" so I think part of it may be that (although it sounds like your mom is like this frequently) I look back at pictures from when I was in the hospital and didn't realize at the time (because I was focused on my baby) how much it was hurting everyone to see me in danger.  Now that you are safe the focus is on the baby and this may be her way to let it out.  I'm not defending these moms but I remember when my mom told me that and thinking "wow I never thought about how I am your baby!" 

Brummy14

Thankfully, my parents were AMAZING during our entire NICU stay. Amazing. They took all leads from us, and went out of their way to spend time in the NICU once DD1 was discharged and I couldn't live there like I had prior to DD2's release.

MIL, another story. The day the girls were born, she called DH insisting that she come out to visit, like, immediately. As in, book a flight, and get there the day I was discharged from the hospital. She's literally one of the most draining people I know. I told DH I'd consider it, but she couldn't stay at the house -- I was still recovering from my c/s, pumping round the clock, and living at the hospital. She didn't like that plan, and apparently started crying on the phone. I was like, you're kidding me. I have 2.5lb babies in the hospital and YOU are upset? Nope.

DH was caught in the middle, trying to process the day, I was a complete wreck having to deal with that on top of everything else, and my mom literally had to tell him to stop. That his new family was priority #1. And to make all decisions accordingly. 

My mom rarely gets into our business. Ever. To this day, I'm so grateful that she chose that moment to tell is how ridiculous this was.

MIL eventually flew out a month later (when we allowed her to stay with us, of course), and I think the NICU experience scared the poop out of her. Once she left, she stopped nagging us to visit again and FINALLY let us, as the freaking parents, make the call on who got to visit and when.

JuliaAndPete

@abwatts reading every thing you've posted here I feel like they are words straight from my own mouth. My mother had the nerve to tell me that she is having a harder time with this experience than I am. She is absolutely insane and irrational. All it does is add stress. I hate to say this but I am feeling relieved that I am not the only one with this problem. I'm sorry to have to report that it doesn't get better. It gets worse with time. So sorry to say that. Wow.

JuliaAndPete

I thought I was alone. Thank you for sharing.

abwatts

JuliaAndPete said:

I thought I was alone. Thank you for sharing.

It's sad that this is so common... The sad thing is that I don't expect it to get better (since this is how she has always been...). All we can do is accept it right? And not back down on what we know if right for our babies! She can either play by the rules and be in our lives or continue acting like this and not be.... Her choice.

Stay strong!

JuliaAndPete

You too, mama. We will never be able to change them. All we can do is learn from them.

abwatts

bromios said:

JuliaAndPete said:

You too, mama. We will never be able to change them. All we can do is learn from them.

Agreed. The best we can do is to shield ourselves from their damage and examine ourselves to make sure we don't continue the cycle. 

Exactly!! Gotta break the cycle! I know my sister and I base our lives on this!