MIL Vent - way longer than expected. Sorry.

wearebirds

So, yesterday I got sent to L&D (long story short everything's fine and we still have an inside baby). DH calls his mother to see if she can swing over to our house to let the dog out (I did not know he did that til later). So fine, what evvs...that would be helpful since we weren't sure how long we'd be.

Fast forward...we're on our way home...it's late. All I want to do is get some terrible for you fast food, and go home to comfy jammies and sleep. Well DH gets a call. His mom apparently was still at our house (hours after she should have been gone) and actually made the spaghetti I was saving for the weekend. Wtf.

So we get home and I go into my bedroom and see that she had finished and folded all of DH's laundry and folded mine...INCLUDING MY UNDERWEAR! W. T. F?!

Note: this is not the first time she has done this, and I have made it very clear to DH that I did NOT want her going into our bedroom and getting into everything!

So I'm exhausted and emotional and go OFF at DH because he had yet to talk to her about this (after multiple times).

This is my thing...you were asked to go let the dog out. You were NOT asked to cook my food or go snooping in my bedroom!

Every once in a while I feel bad and think, she's just trying to be helpful. But then I'm like NO...this is my house! I'm allowed to say stay out of my room and don't touch my shit!

DH was given until Monday to talk to her and make it clear what the boundaries are. She's the one that's going to be watching LO...and I am so anxious about it. I am just imagining coming home to her folding my clothes and rearranging my cabinets.

Shoot me now.

amdecker1016

Yeah but this is totally something my MIL would do as well tbh.
She's one of those, i am going to clean and make you dinner all the time as well....
Totally make your H talk to her, tell him you won't be nice if you have to do it!

mevensen

Ugh! She sounds like a peach! Nothing like knowing no boundaries! Sorry you have to deal with that!

mfarmer0811

UGH!!! I'd be so upset by this!! It's one thing to maybe do a little dusting, sweeping, but to go into your bedroom?! Just no!! My mom was here for almost a week b/c of weather, and she did a lot of cleaning, but never went into our bedroom!!! And, it's just different when it's your MIL for some reason. 

I wouldn't be as upset about the food, but going into your bedroom?! Yeah, I'd have a problem with that! 

teaforthree

Oh man, I'm sorry. I would be pissed too. Sounds like you're doing the right thing having DH set boundaries. You're going to need to be clear on boundaries if she's watching LO. Good luck.

wearebirds

@mfarmer0811 my mom would never go in my bedroom without being asked to go in there. My MIL knows no boundaries and it drives me insane.

I told DH that he would be putting away the clothes that his mommmmmyyyy folded for him. I refused. I actually had a daydream about throwing them at him...then realized I'd be the one picking them up so I decided not to.

akb1125

Ugh, I would be annoyed if anybody went into my room. Now that we have a house with an upstairs, I really don't think there is any reason for anybody to go up there at all. I even mentioned to my husband that once the baby is here I don't want everybody thinking they need to go upstairs and see the nursery.

TX08Aggie

Wow!! Sorry you have to deal with that! Nothing like getting home from a stressful day to more stress... My MIL snoops every chance she gets too - just weird and creepy. We switched the door knob on our closet to one with a key. I don't have anything to hide, I just know it will drive her crazy to have a locked door... :P

wearebirds

@akb1125 our house is all one floor. It doesn't help that the laundry room is through our bedroom (conveniently through our closet!) but I actually love that it is because if you aren't allowed in the bedroom....you can't touch my laundry!

wearebirds

@TX08Aggie haha my friend suggested locking our bedroom, but most of the time we don't leave the house expecting to need her to come over to let the dog out (which is usually all we ever ask her to do).

I'm seriously freaked for what I'm going to come home to after LO is born. Hopefully DH gets his point across and my Mom and sister can make sure she doesn't overstep boundaries. Idk if I can take another episode of this...I think I nearly exploded this time.

SomersIsles

Ew no thank you. That would piss me off!!

ntdane

I feel your pain. My mil was here to watch DS while we were in the hospital and she got into all kinds of things. She did a bunch of cleaning, which isn't all bad. DS told her "Oh, you didn't have to do that". Her response? "Well, it really needed it." She also moved pictures to different rooms around the house. Major boundary issues here...

Hdhtk4

Yeah I would NOT want my MIL going through my bedroom either, even if she was trying to be helpful.

That being said, when I was in elementary and middle school my grandma would clean, cook, and do laundry for my parents before picking me up from school. They didn't ask her to and repeatedly told her it wasn't necessary, but were appreciative that she wanted to help out. However, she cooked at her house and brought it to ours, only did laundry that was in the laundry room, and didn't go snooping through bedrooms.

PerkyErky

WisconsinCheese12 said:

Oh gosh sorry that you had to deal with that... I could see my mil doing this. She will never ever ever ever get a key to our home ever!!! No way no how!

I would def talk to your dh and re-state all boundaries. Hopefully it doesn't get worse when lo arrives

But you're gonna give her the spy cam login and password, right?

pepperedmoth

My MIL does that sort of thing too and it really sets me off. When I vent to my mom about it, though, she points out that that's really the only way my MIL is good at showing love. She's verbally awkward, and doesn't have much money, and she's kind of shy and retiring in a lot of ways....she can only show me she cares by doing shit like that.

So it still bothers me, but I'm actively trying to let it go. I'm not going to be able change her. Trying to set boundaries will upset her and make her feel like I'm rejecting her love. And I know she really does love and care for me a lot, and I feel super lucky that that's how she feels.

I totally hear you, because I feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY (I pretty much could have written this post, right down to "she folded my underwear!!!!") .... Just, if another perspective is helpful, this is one battle I'm really trying to let go of in the interests of having a good relationship with MIL.

pepperedmoth

Mine picked out all my oldest underwear with stains from the laundry pile and put them to soak in a bleach solution for me. Then she did the same thing for my cloth pads. Mortified doesn't even begin to cover it....

PerkyErky

@pepperedmoth I would have died!

My MIL bought me underwear for Hanukkah (because they had polka dots on them and she knows I like polka dots) and I opened them in front of everyone. I thought that was embarrassing.

myfriendscallmemeg

Ohhhhh man this just reminds me I should go hug my MIL and thank her for not being BSC. I'm sorry she touched your underwear.

SurpriseAt39

Ya. MIL should NOT touch laundry unless specifically asked to.

Mine, who was going to babysit one day last fall, came over an hour early. I just happened to be in the shower, so I didn't hear her come in. DS was in the Jolly Jumper at the bathroom door. (We played peek-a-boo while I showered).
MIL heard him, and came upstairs, into my bedroom and started to play with him.
(Never even said, 'hey, I'm here')

When I turned the water off she said she'd give me privacy. I thought she was going to go downstairs again. WRONG!!! She just took 2 steps away from the doorway. Grrrr.
I wrapped a towel on myself, then took DS out of the jumper and passed him to her and said 'go play with grandma downstairs'.
Then she left the room and went back downstairs.
DH was in SHOCK when I told him what she did.

And for that reason alone, she will NOT be told I'm in labour unless we have NO choice (like if we need her to babysit - ie.our first person isn't available and it's an emergency)

lnvane00

What the f*ck to all of this! I can't believe people(mother in laws) actually do that! I would FLIP! I HATE people touching my laundry. I dont know why it just freaks me out. I dont even let my husband do or touch my laundry. I'm sorry you girls have to put up with that crap. That is just nuts. Thank you God for not giving me a crazy MIL...

scrumpfy

I understand how this would bother a person. But she probably was just trying to be helpful.
And me personally, I would be fine with it, because any meal I don't have to cook is cool by me, and I despise doing laundry, so if my mom, MIL, FIL, whoever felt compelled to do it for me, I'd just say thanks. But that's just me, and I hate chores more than I like privacy.

Khope87

I can relate to all of this, only not with my MIL but with my mum!!!! It's a million times worse when it's your own mum and you repeatedly try to set boundaries.... She will not be knowing when I go into labour, although she is making a point of calling all the time..... Gonna stop answering soon.....

ladyglittersparkles

Omg no no no!
Those are boundaries that must not be crossed! So sorry about this!!

kelley72

Yep, count me in the sorry she crossed your boundaries but please sign me up category.  My il's are deceased so I cannot relate... I do see the privacy issues with her going into your bedroom but I don't get the angst over her seeing your panties... just me I am not a very modest person so... It does sound to me like she is trying to be helpful so I hope that helps cool your anger.  Definitely have your dh talk to he about appropriate privacy issues so you can appreciate her help and not have future situations arise.

fish8412

Ugh!  That is messed up and I would be super pissed as well.  Sorry you are dealing with that, especially after being in L&D.  Like others have said, I think your husband needs to have a serious conversation with her so something like this does not happen again.

kstar83

Yeah I am sorry that this crossed your boundaries, and I can see her being all up in my underwear a little disturbing. But I really think she was trying to be nice?

I don't disagree that you or DH preferably should say, hey we really appreciate you trying to help, but maybe just do things that aren't in our bedroom, we consider that personal space or something? I dunno. It wouldn't really bother me that much, except the underwear bit... that would.

Renik20

pepperedmoth said:

My MIL does that sort of thing too and it really sets me off. When I vent to my mom about it, though, she points out that that's really the only way my MIL is good at showing love. She's verbally awkward, and doesn't have much money, and she's kind of shy and retiring in a lot of ways....she can only show me she cares by doing shit like that.

So it still bothers me, but I'm actively trying to let it go. I'm not going to be able change her. Trying to set boundaries will upset her and make her feel like I'm rejecting her love. And I know she really does love and care for me a lot, and I feel super lucky that that's how she feels.

I totally hear you, because I feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY (I pretty much could have written this post, right down to "she folded my underwear!!!!") .... Just, if another perspective is helpful, this is one battle I'm really trying to let go of in the interests of having a good relationship with MIL.

THIS!!! My inlaws have been living with us for seven weeks now (DH broke his leg,) and for the first week, it drove me insane. I've since learned to let go of a LOT, simply because it won't change. It's been a godsend to have them here to help take care if my two-year-old, and in the third week, I finally stopped caring and told her to run my house the way she'd run her own - because I just can't do it all, especially now at 38 weeks. It still irks me that she does the laundry, takes out my bathroom garbage (poor woman, all the panty liners...yuck!), and in general just does things differently from me, but without her, we wouldn't make it.

FWIW, when I've vented to friends about it, they all say the same thing: when they only had one kid, it still bugged them, but once #2 came around, they gave up and took the help...probably not what you wanted to hear, but it really is the only way she can show her love for you...cleaning and cooking. Moving the pictures around is the weird one...:) Good luck!

kimberpoo

I think she is just trying to be nice and helpful, which is thoughtful, but laundry and bedroom stuff is out of boundaries unless she specifically asks and you approve her help with it. wiping down a counter or starting a load of dishes is different, and usually appreciated, imo. 

I am so grateful I've got an amazing MIL now who wouldn't do that sort of thing, but back when DH and I first started living together (11 years ago, and we were 18 yrs old) we were living in his grandfathers old house after DH's grandfather moved in with DH's parents. there were ZERO boundaries there with the entire family, and MIL would come over and vacuum while I was sick (even while I was trying to sleep), do my laundry, undies included, put stuff away in drawers, etc. family would stop by whenever they felt like it, eat our food, just hang out, and so on. that has all changed since we got married, got our own house, and I set the boundaries, but man, I feel your pain.