Life just seems so hard these days...

milb11

I posted on here for the first time a few weeks back. I lost my son Elijah at 30 weeks on January 20th. 

I'm having a really difficult time these days. I've been going to counseling but it doesn't seem to help. My boyfriend and I are at each other's throats constantly. We can't seem to NOT argue. We are going to start counseling together next week. He is also having a hard time at work. He is miserable there and is having a hard time with his boss. I'm worried about him. I'm questioning a lot of my relationships these days. I feel alone and that I don't have any true friends anymore. I've been working out everyday trying to lose weight and it doesn't seem to go anywhere. I'm dreading going back to work because I also don't like my job. 

I don't mean to have a self-pity party but it just seems like nothing is good despite me giving my best effort. I just want the hurt and stress to go away. I just want one aspect of my life to go good. I feel like I've been through enough already. 

Bgirma

I am so sorry that you're going through this. We lost our son on December 25th (two days before his due date) and so much of what you've described, I've been feeling as well. I don't have answers but I hope it helps to know that you aren't alone. I'll be thinking about you.

bunnybun4

what you are going through is very normal.  You just lost your son a month ago!!!  A MONTH!  that is NO time at all.  I remember after my loss thinking that soooo much time had passed and things needed to go back to normal and to tell you the truth I rushed myself.  Be patient with yourself and let yourself feel these feelings (even though most of them are awful).  In time, little by little, you do start to feel better...you will always mourn Elijah and have bad days but it does get better.

Just a side note on losing the weight- I was seeing a nutritionist during my pregnancy and so I was also seeing her after my loss.  I have agonizing memories of going in to her only to find out that I didn't lose ANY weight week after week...even though  I was doing crazy work out sessions and eating according to my meal plan.  I would just cry and cry when I would weigh and there was no change...she told me that it would come off but that it just needed time.  Your body has been through so much and it is just taking its time regulating itself.  She told me I wasn't allowed to look at the scale anymore and it made all of the difference...we measured my progress by how my clothes fit.  Over a few months I was safely back down to prepregnancy weight.  So you just have to be patient and kind to your body right now...it'll come off eventually it just needs some time. 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Noethola

***sig***

There is no magic switch that will make it better. Time will start to help, as will the counseling. In those first few months, you are just trying to figure out your new normal. Everything else can sometimes feel worthless (your job) because your priorities change. Life holds a different meaning after losing your baby.

My dr wouldnt even let me exercise beyond walks for 6 weeks. He said the body is trying to heal itself, the hormones are trying to figure out where to go back to, etc. Its just not ready to lose the weight as quickly as it once did. It too will take time. Big ((hugs!))

mmsweeney1

* ticker *

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I felt just like you last summer. Life was terribly hard and my husband and I fought all the time. Over everything. I really didn't think we would make it. It doesn't seem possible, but it does get better. I still think of my son a million times a day, but life has gotten a little better!

jess123456

I am so sorry. The ladies here have already given you great advice but I want to reiterate that what you are feeling is normal.

The loss of your son is still very new and so raw. I promise you that while things will never be the same, it will get more manageable as you learn to live with your new normal. I remember thinking that a month seemed so far out from our loss but it was still so very new.

I think that going to counseling together with your boyfriend is a great idea. What about a support group even if you just go alone? It might be helpful to connect with those in real life who get it.

After my loss I started to go to a meditation group. It was something that I could look forward to and it has helped so much. Maybe there is something like that for you that you would be interested in that you could look forward to that was outside work? At first going out in public is hard I know but maybe eventually?

I wish I could make it all better right now for you but this will take time. I promise you that it will get more manageable. Sending you hugs.

Mrodriguez898

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel. I also have gone through the period of my boyfriend and I arguing over very little thing.
Only thing I can say is that you do eventually get better, even though it doesn't seem like it now. Much hugs and well wishes

stefuge

I am so sorry for all that you are going through! Those first weeks are the worse - and it does get more manageable, not easy, but manageable. Give yourself time, be gentle, and realize that losing a child changes you. Permanently. Normal is completely different now.

ikrystal

marylaurena said:

what you are going through is very normal.  You just lost your son a month ago!!!  A MONTH!  that is NO time at all.  I remember after my loss thinking that soooo much time had passed and things needed to go back to normal and to tell you the truth I rushed myself.  Be patient with yourself and let yourself feel these feelings (even though most of them are awful).  In time, little by little, you do start to feel better...you will always mourn Elijah and have bad days but it does get better.

I agree.  This is still new hurt, new pain for you.  I was/am the same way - ever since my boys died, nothing has been going right.  This is normal, from what other people have told me.  

About the weight loss - I lost all my baby weight right away (plus some) but that's not necessarily a good thing.  I am depressed because there is nothing on my body saying that my boys lived in me, that I housed them, and that I was their mother.  I long to look down at my body and see something that they left behind.  Don't worry about the baby weight.  That is the least of your concerns.  Give your body a break (and yourself); it is recovering.  Plus, the grass isnt always greener on the other side... I wish that I didn't lost it all so quickly.  

I am truly sorry for your loss.  I hope you find support here. 

veetveet

Give yourself time and please remember that you are not alone.

I've been a stress ball since my loss 2 weeks ago. I'm not sleeping or eating right. All of these things combined- plus the hormonal changes can affect weight loss. I want to be out of maternity clothes asap. I don't look pregnant anymore- just fat. But my brain does not care what my body wants.

As for your boyfriend- have you guys had a chance to talk- find out what's the root of the issue and how you can support each other? I had it out with mine and things are better now. Everybody grieves differently.... I'm a debbie downer and my hubby is Mr. Positive. It's trying to find the balance so we don't drive eachother crazy. I hope that counseling helps you.

I'm still new to all of this and I hate it. I won't talk to my friends- I have completely isolated myself. I just can't bring myself to talk to them- doesn't help my bff is pregnant with twins (ivf- but still saddens me).


I'm forcing myself to sign up for a class- beginners crochet- I need a hobby. I have nothing. I need an outlet of some kind.

Mrodriguez898

The hobby is a great idea. I found release when I took up painting. Bought a canvas and went at it. I also took up crocheting and found it great concentrating on the stitches and not thinking of our loss

AliciaMomof4

You have been through enough already...more than you should have to ever go through. I'm so sorry. I hope you and your boyfriend can be there for each other. It's so difficult to get through but you need each other. You lost this baby together. Try to find a support group too and rely on close family or friends when you need anything. I pray someone can help you through this. It would be even harder to go through all alone. You are not alone.

milb11

I really appreciate all the kind words. I've had a lot more peace over the past week, for that I am thankful. My boyfriend and I went to our first counseling appointment this week. Afterwards he said he was glad we'd gone. I realize that I hadn't really thought about his pain, only my own. It probably attributed to a lot of tension in our relationship. I've also signed up for a cooking class at the local community college and am going to start volunteering. It definitely has been helpful for me to keep myself busy. 

Maybe Joleisa

It's good to hear the counseling session was helpful and you are finding things to keep you busy. Any particular cuisine you'll be learning to cook? I took a pasta making class last year--it was fun. (Pasta in the box is a lot easier though!)

milb11

Maybe Joleisa the cooking class is called "Fresh and Easy Cooking". Supposed to be a class about how to cook more fresh vegetables and meats. I've been trying to cook/eat healthier. I find that looking for recipes and experimenting with cooking has been therapeutic for me the past few weeks. I'm really looking forward to this class. 

LyndseyTS

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one, Elijah. I'm glad that you've found something to help you pass the time. I'm still wanting to stay at home and do absolutely nothing. Maybe this will serve as some inspiration for me. It sounds like a wonderful class.