Fostering and obtaining "stuff" (frustration)

lorifromwi

We are in the process of prepping for our homestudy (ages newborn through 4 years) and have been very open and honest with friends and family.  They have been immensely supportive, and many of my friends with older children have been offering to give us "stuff" they no longer need to help us prepare.  Both DH and I have been moved by this and have welcomed their offers of support since we won't have a shower to help us with this.

However, this past weekend I "shopped" one of my friend's basements and came home with a bunch of stuff (baby gate, bath, bottles, onsies, etc.), this is the first of such trips.  When I got home with everything I could see him immediately become tense and uncomfortable.  I think I may have even asked if he was okay...to which I got a muttered yeah and some grumbles.  I don't think he realizes all the things that go into "having a child" and that if I can get nice things for free, it's a good thing.

Has anyone else dealt with this? I'm looking for any suggestions to help him get more comfortable with things...maybe I can't help and he just needs time.

Thanks for listening! 

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MileHighMaam

I think I would become uncomfortable if H came home with a bunch of items for our future child(ren) since we are looking at such a large age range (3-8).   It sounds like you came home with a bunch of items for newborns but you may end up fostering a 3 or 4 year old and then those items are useless.  We are waiting until we are matched to buy anything since the items we will need for a 3 year old are very different than what is needed for an 8 year old.  

Dr.Loretta

I would ask him why. He may have just been hit with the reality of having a small child in the house, he may wish your friends kept stuff at their place so he didn't have to see it before a child gets there (ie, it may be hard for him to see it now), he may feel you don't have the space now, etc. I'd want to know why, and it may be a very simple explanation

lorifromwi

@marshmallowevening - Fostering was actually his suggestion since we can't afford infertility and private adoption concurrently.  We have periodically watched our God-daughter since she was about 1-year, now 16 months, and he's awesome with a kid in the house (although, he self admits he's a sucker for all of her attention scams, which cracks me up).  I think we are both very nervous about our attachment to a child and the prospect of them having to go home and we've talked about that a lot.

@MileHighMaam - totally on-board with what you are saying...which is why thrifty me was trying to get a variety of things, but you're right that what I mostly have from this trip was geared towards a younger age.  We need to ready the room for the home study, including furniture, so we went shopping for a dresser and crib that converts into a toddler bed and he seemed okay with that...but this may have just taken him over a threshold.

@Dr.Loretta - think you may be closest to the mark on this one, but you're right...definitely need the conversation.  I also realized this morning that it may be hard for him to see all of this without knowing, so I think tonight's mission will be to get everything stored away where he doesn't see it.  Thankfully we have plenty of storage to make that happen.

I have a tendency to get a "reason" caught in my head as to why things are happening and approach my conversations very directed to that end, and I'm trying to think more broadly so we can have a better conversation. So thank you to all for your POV!

Dr.Loretta

No worries! When I first brought adoption up to DH, he started to shut down in a way. After a good and frank conversation, it turned out he was open to it, just feeling pressured by me to do everything right now right this minute, while he always has to take time to process things.  I hope you guys have a good talk and flesh it all out

CeCe8579

I agree with Dr. Loretta.

CaptainSerious

He may be feeling as though you may jinx the process. When we were awaiting placement, I bought a cheap stroller, because it was a bargain and we were open to 2 to 7 year olds. My husband was really unhappy and felt like I was guaranteeing that we'd only receive an older referral and never be as to use the stroller...which turned out to be exactly what happened. In fact, he brought it up again today during the 2-year post placement visit for our second chd, almost 4 years after our first son came home. He doesn't reg ret a thing, but I'm sure he really thinks I somehow sealed he deal and set date I. Motion by buying that darn stroller.

lorifromwi

Thanks for all of your thoughts ladies!  We finally had a night where we were home together last night, and when I asked him about my concerns he was really surprised.  Apparently he wasn't upset or concerned, but just feeling sick.  It feels good to know that he's not worried and then we had the conversation about being open if we think the other person is feeling uncomfortable with something.  It was a weight off my shoulders to not be worrying about it any more.  Now back to worrying about homestudies, placements, etc.!    Happy Friday ladies!