WWYD: DH doesn't like to travel to visit my family

ss265

So I grew up in South East Asia, moved to the U.S. around 15 years ago for college and have been here ever since. My entire family still lives in South East Asia where I grew up. To get there, we are usually on the plane for 22-28 hours (depending on the route we fly) and the time difference is 13-14 hours so we have to go through serious jet lag once you get there.

DH grew up in the U.S. and until our honeymoon, had never left the U.S. His first visit to my home country was after we got married and we recently went back for the second time to celebrate DS's first birthday. The first visit was ok but after the second visit, DH made it clear that it would be several years before he is willing to make the trip again. He hates the long travel, never really got over the jet lag when we were there (we were there for slightly over two weeks), hates the weather there (it is really humid) and finally hates that he is limited on the things that he likes to do when he is there. He loves to just get in the car and drive around and he can't do that there because he doesn't have a valid driver's license and doesn't know his way around. He has nothing against my family, just hates the long journey we have to take to get to them.

I understand where he is coming from and he is completely willing to let me travel in the future either with or without the kids, just without him. What bugs me is that his parents and all his siblings live within a 30 minute drive of us and we see his family at least once a month. I never complain about seeing them and when we are with them, I also never make it a point to pressure him into leaving early etc. But since I have known about his reluctance to see my family, I am starting to feel a little resentful over seeing his family all the time. It also bothers me that our kids might not want to travel to my home country as they get older because Daddy isn't coming with us.

I don't think talking to him will help - he is not going to change his mind about traveling to my home country. And honestly, having him around the last time we went kind of ruined the trip for me and going forward, I don't really want him with us.

Am I being petty for letting his attitude towards traveling to my family affect how often I want to hang out with his family?

Avion22

It sounds like his problem isn't your family, it's the journey.  Having said that, yes, I think it's petty for letting that affect how often you want to hang out with his family.  

Is it possible for your family to come and visit you in the US?  Obviously you wouldn't get to see as many of them, but maybe your parents or siblings could fly out for a visit?  If money is an issue, then maybe you can offer to help them pay (it wouldn't be more than you flying out to see them, and you wouldn't have to do the traveling).  I say this as someone who lives overseas with family in America -- it's taken some work to convince people to come visit US instead of the other way around, but it's honestly much easier to host people than always be the one making the looonnnngggg journey all the time.

*sparky*

My DH's family is just a 7-hour drive and that can be a hassle, so I completely see where your DH is coming from.  However, I don't think it's fair to say he is never going there again, and I don't think it is fair for you to hold the fact that his family lives close by against him.  So IMO you both need to give a little here. 

If DH's family lived as far away as yours does, that would be a trip we would do every few years, especially once kids are in the picture.  As a PP wrote, is there any way they could periodically visit you as well?  That is quite a trip for it to always be you going to them.  Or, is there another location where you could meet for a big trip every couple of years, so maybe meet partway in a location that everyone may enjoy?  It seems like your DH is not really against your family but does not like the extremely long trip and the location they are in, so this may be a good way to compromise as well.

sugarbear0524

Maybe all of you could meet somewhere in between like Hawaii. Hawaii is always a good idea! And your DH could drive and enjoy himself.

ss265

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone. My Mom is in her 60s so I feel bad having her make the trip to see us but she does try to visit us every other year or so. Otherwise, I can't imagine asking the rest of my extended family to come see us - they don't have a lot of money and at $1500 a ticket, it will add up pretty quickly if I fly everyone out to see us.

I guess at the core of everything, I just feel like DH should suck it up and just visit my family. I feel that the things he complains about are minor discomforts which he should withstand so that we as a family can visit my side of the family. It's not like we are staying for months on end but for two weeks every other year or so.

jf198400

I think it's really unfair of your husband to say I don't like it there and I'm never going back. I could understand if he was concerned about the cost of the trip or taking such a long time off from work. It sounds like he's being pretty selfish. He married you knowing that your family lived there, he should accept that it's going to be someplace he has to go. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to go once every other year or so. Perhaps he could go with you and come home early, instead of staying the whole time. I also like the idea of meeting family somewhere else internationally. You need to make it clear to your DH that this is not okay. And him expecting you to travel 24hrs with kids alone without help is ridiculous. In return you need to not hold this against his family.

ss265

jf198400 said:

I think it's really unfair of your husband to say I don't like it there and I'm never going back. I could understand if he was concerned about the cost of the trip or taking such a long time off from work. It sounds like he's being pretty selfish. He married you knowing that your family lived there, he should accept that it's going to be someplace he has to go. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to go once every other year or so. Perhaps he could go with you and come home early, instead of staying the whole time. I also like the idea of meeting family somewhere else internationally. You need to make it clear to your DH that this is not okay. And him expecting you to travel 24hrs with kids alone without help is ridiculous. In return you need to not hold this against his family.

Just to be clear, he never said that he would never go back - just that he would go back in maybe 5 years. I was the one who said that I don't really want him to come with me again because having him with me just kind of ruined the trip for me. He did not want to go out anywhere or do anything. And I knew he was not having a good time which affected my enjoyment of the trip.

*sparky*

ss265 said:

jf198400 said:

I think it's really unfair of your husband to say I don't like it there and I'm never going back. I could understand if he was concerned about the cost of the trip or taking such a long time off from work. It sounds like he's being pretty selfish. He married you knowing that your family lived there, he should accept that it's going to be someplace he has to go. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to go once every other year or so. Perhaps he could go with you and come home early, instead of staying the whole time. I also like the idea of meeting family somewhere else internationally. You need to make it clear to your DH that this is not okay. And him expecting you to travel 24hrs with kids alone without help is ridiculous. In return you need to not hold this against his family.

Just to be clear, he never said that he would never go back - just that he would go back in maybe 5 years. I was the one who said that I don't really want him to come with me again because having him with me just kind of ruined the trip for me. He did not want to go out anywhere or do anything. And I knew he was not having a good time which affected my enjoyment of the trip.

I think you are justified in being annoyed that he acted this way when you did go - I mean, he does have to compromise somewhat here.  But you need to talk to him about that and not just say you don't want him going anymore, and then resent him seeing his family.  That is a situation that will never resolve itself and you will just become more resentful.

ss265

K3am said:

I can totally understand where he's coming from. Take it from his point of view - he's in a foreign country, doesn't know anyone, and it's not a one day trip that ends in a couple of hours, it's a couple of weeks. I'm assuming that this one trip is blowing all of his vacation for the year, which limits him from taking a "real" vacation, because be honest, this is not a vacation for him. The other thing you haven't mentioned - is your husband fluent in the language of your home country? Even if he has an elementary level comprehension of the language, or your family knows some English, I can only imagine that the conversations are really not on his level, making the trip even more awkward for him. 

That being said, it's important that he understands some level of sacrifice needs to be made. For me, this might mean going once every 4-5 years, with you and the kids going every year or every couple of years, if that's how often you want to go and you can afford. 

DH has 4 weeks of vacation a year so this trip just takes a big chunk of it but not the whole thing. And yes, the vacation days he spends on it do bother him but only because he can't take two weeks off at the end of the year during the Christmas holidays to do nothing and hang around the house.

And the main language in my home country is English so he has no problems understanding conversations or communicating with my family. In fact English is the only language I speak. I find it amusing that you bring that up because it is a question I happen to get asked a lot. And funnily enough, DH's family's main language is not English and I usually have to sit through  chunks of conversation at the dinner table in another language without understanding anything.

ss265

K3am said:

Well, at least the language isn't an issue.

Honestly, using half my vacation to go visit my in laws is something that would bother me. And if he wants to spend his vacation puttering around the house between Christmas and New Year's, it's probably downtime that he wants/needs. 

It sounds like you're not changing his mind, and no one's changing yours. You can chose to be resentful of him and his family, or you can work on figuring out how you get past it. Maybe send him and the kids to his family and stay home and skype yours? 

Did you have any kind of discussion or expectation before you got married about how you would handle a situation like this? The fact that you'd want to go back to see your family can't have been a surprise to either of you, I would imagine it's something you've discussed before getting married and having kids. 

Yes, we did discuss it before we got married and we decided that we would attempt to make the trip every other year. Family is important to both of us and it is important to me that my kids are familiar with where I grew up. The problem is that he didn't make the trip before we got married (the timing was never quite right) so I don't think he realized how much he would not enjoy it.

*sparky*

K3am said:

Well, at least the language isn't an issue.

Honestly, using half my vacation to go visit my in laws is something that would bother me. And if he wants to spend his vacation puttering around the house between Christmas and New Year's, it's probably downtime that he wants/needs. 

Not to pile on here, because I can understand why this situation frustrates you, but I am glad someone brought this up because it is part of the reason I don't care for the 7-hour trip to my IL's.  For a couple of years after we had DS, nearly all of our holiday/vacation time was spent with my IL's.  Either we were visiting them or they were visiting us, or we were on a big family vacation that we all did together.  They are older now, so DH wants us to always go to them, but just getting there and back burns up two days off.  I lobbied for us staying home over this Christmas holiday because we have not had that time to ourselves for years and sometimes you just need that.  I really like my IL's but I don't want to spend all of my time off with them. 

AGain, I get the frustration you have - I just think you need to try to understand where he's coming from and you both need to compromise.

VOR

My take-

Yes, I think it's petty of you to resent his family over this.  Someone said he married you knowing your family was so far away.  Well, the same can be said in reverse.  His family has done nothing wrong here. They shouldn't be punished, nor should he because they are so close.

That being said - there does need to be SOME compromise here.  You want to go every other year, right?  So- perhaps make it so that he goes every other time, so once every 4 years.

AND he needs to do it w/ a good attitude.  This needs to also be a talk w/ him about remembering that family is important to both of you. And his going to visit your family and be pissy about it?  Unfair, totally unfair.

Especially when kids are involved.  They need to see their dad want to go and to be an active participant on the trip.  Not a "child" who has a tantrum and sulks at home the entire time.

I DO feel where he's coming from.  reading what the trip is like... makes me shudder.  i know I'd hate it too.  BUT I would do it for  my DH.  And I'd put a smile on my face.

jesuisfatiguee

jf198400 said:

I think it's really unfair of your husband to say I don't like it there and I'm never going back. I could understand if he was concerned about the cost of the trip or taking such a long time off from work. It sounds like he's being pretty selfish. He married you knowing that your family lived there, he should accept that it's going to be someplace he has to go. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to go once every other year or so. Perhaps he could go with you and come home early, instead of staying the whole time. I also like the idea of meeting family somewhere else internationally. You need to make it clear to your DH that this is not okay. And him expecting you to travel 24hrs with kids alone without help is ridiculous. In return you need to not hold this against his family.

This.

ss265

Thank you for all your responses! You have given me a lot to consider and I am definitely planning to talk to my DH about all this.

traveltheworld

Other PPs already gave great advice.  But I just want to say that I totally understand where your DH is coming from, though I don't think he should have sulked the whole time.  DH, DS (19 months) and I just took an extended vacation to Asia to see extended family a few months ago and both DH and I decided we would not be going back for another 4 - 5 years.  The long travel time, the time change (which totally messed up DS), the fact that neither of us enjoyed the country, etc.  I think if one of us really wanted to go back often, that person would have to go alone with the child, and then we'd all go together every 4 - 5 years.

82Sonia

Yes, you are being petty for letting his attitude towards traveling to your family affect how often you want to hang out with his family. They're only 30 minutes away, yours is 30 hours!   

I absolutely would not look forward to traveling 28 hours and then dealing with a 14 hour time difference.  Who would enjoy that? How long have you been married? You said that he's made the trip twice.  I think if you've been married 5 years or less, I think that's pretty good. 

I think it's fair to expect him to make the trip every 2 to 3 years.  If you want to go more often, you absolutely should. My family lives 8 hours away by plane.  We see them every other year.  My husband's family lives an hour away by car.  We see them all the time. I wish my family lived closer but I don't resent my husband or his family because they don't. And I don't restrict our time with them because of it.  

APendola

My husband's family lives in another country as well, so I can relate a little bit. While I love to travel, I don't always have a great time when we go to visit his family.  I'm a room full of people that are speaking a language I don't speak...if I go out on my own, I'm out of my comfort zone etc.    Since it is so expensive to go, we usually go for 3-4 weeks at a time and it burns up all of our vacation time.  So I don't like that part of it either...that all my vacation is used having tea with people that I can't even talk to.  I wouldn't want my hubby to go without me, because then he'd use all his vacation up and we still wouldn't be able to do something together.

What we do to make it better is that we always take a little trip that is just the family.  We lways do a trip in the middle to another part of South America.  A little bit of time that we can just have a family vacation that is me, DH, and DD. 

Maybe if you find a little time where the focus is on your hubby and you having some relaxing time together at the beach or something, maybe it might help your husband enjoy it more.  

*sparky*

APendola said:

 

What we do to make it better is that we always take a little trip that is just the family.  We lways do a trip in the middle to another part of South America.  A little bit of time that we can just have a family vacation that is me, DH, and DD. 

That is a really good idea!

QueSrah

Isn't it possible to get an international drivers license?  Could he do that and let himself get lost for a day here and there and explore on his own?  If your home country is English-speaking, he could certainly read the signs or ask for directions along the way.  I can't imagine two full weeks stuck with ILs, but there have to be ways to get him out if that's what he wants.

I get that flying to Asia is a big hassle between the long flights and the jet lag.  But you suck it up for family.  Once every five years isn't really all that considerate of him if he originally promised you every other year.  I'd try to get him to meet you in the middle like once every three years you take a big family trip to your home country.

Yes, it's expensive to fly your family out, but the cost of three plane tickets for you, DH, and kid could go toward flying your mom and some other family members out here and spare your DH the travel time and two weeks of vacation.

SebsMum

I can see your point of view in this because DH and I are living in the UK but I am American.  DH acts similarly to the way you have described your DH- annoyed about the distance, cost and acts like just hanging out and not touring the area constantly (and I mean that- I plan a lot of trips for us to take while we're there) is super boring and that I am wasting his holiday time.  It always puts a bit of a damper on the trip and TBH, it might be nice to take a trip without him every few years so that I can just sit and talk to my parents without feeling like we should be having that conversation while tubing or visiting a monument or something.  So I get your sort of resentment about visiting his family- we have visited a lot of DH's extended family around the UK without taking advantage of being in a new area and have spent a lot of time hanging out and catching up, which can be boring, but I understand that that is was visiting family entails.

Phew!  That sounds like I'm really going off on one, but I just mean to say that I do know what you mean by sort of resenting his family visits.  I might be reading it all wrong, but I think you more meant that you resent putting up with 'boring' family get together behavior when DH won't let you be boring with your own family.  Giving up several weekends to hang out with his family could easily equate to a few weeks' worth of vacation time with your own.  I would suggest talking it out while you're not planning a trip and figuring out what would be the best compromise for both of you.

ss265

mal922 said:

I understand how you feel because DH's family is much more interested/involved in things than my family and sometimes, it's hard for me not to resent his family's constant involvement in everything (which can sometimes be on the overbearing side). However, I also realize that's petty of me and try not to "act out" at him or his family just because they're actually around a lot and care what we're up to, etc. I doubt I would really enjoy the trip you described, but it seems like you and your DH need to find a compromise, since you have every right to want to see your family more than once every 5 years. Would it be possible for you to do what a PP suggested and maybe do a small "getaway" with just you and your kids (or maybe even just you and your DH) to a place nearby while you are visiting your family, so part of it feels more like a real vacation for him? I have a friend whose husband is from Morocco, and they often do this to get some alone time with grandparent babysitters or take family trips to Spain, since they typically stay a couple of weeks.

Thank you everyone for all your comments.

 

Regarding the suggestions of taking a side trip, I have tried that before and my DH is just not interested. I think part of the reason this most recent trip was especially difficult was because DS was only one and did not adapt well to the travel. He did great on the plane but once we got there, he stopped eating solids and had trouble sleeping. DH didn't really sulk but he didn't want to go out or do anything because of the weather and the crowds (my home city has a super high population density).

Part of the problem is also that DH's family puts a lot of pressure on us to have "family time" and bond with them and I think they are secretly happy that DH doesn't like to travel to my home country because that means we are less likely to move back there.

I like the compromise of having DH travel with me every other time I go (and put a smile on and participate) and that is likely what we will settle on.

I really appreciate all your comments - it helped me see a different perspective on things.

VOR

ss265 said:

I think part of the reason this most recent trip was especially difficult was because DS was only one and did not adapt well to the travel.

Beat your DH over the head with this - as kids grow, they get easier.  On all fronts.  The time change will probably be the biggest wollup for your kid, but really.... as DS gets older, traveling WILL become easier. 

AND the more you travel w/ your child, the more adept they'll become at it!