Talking to DS about his adoption by my husband

ILoveBoys

I will preface this by saying I know I should have started this conversation before now, but I didn't because I wasn't sure how.

I got pg in college, had DS, then married my husband when he was 14 months old. DH legally adopted him a few weeks before he turned 2. (The other man has never been involved and signed away his rights, leaving it open for DS to contact him after he turns 18.) He's going to be 9 on his birthday in April.  I know that my past and subsequently DS's past, is part of his story and he needs to know about it. I've always been afraid to try due to the fact that I'm worried I will upheave his whole life. 

  Things we HAVE talked about:

-he is in our wedding photos and he knows he was there when DH and I got married 

-I've mentioned before that "Mommy had you before she met Daddy. Daddy decided he wanted both of us in his family so we got married."

-talked about what adoption is in general, and how wonderful adoption is because it means you get to PICK someone to be in your family because you love them so much.

   Does anyone have any experience in this area? I don't want to make it a huge deal, but I know I need to have this conversation with him before he's much older or it could go way worse. Thanks!

Dr.Loretta

I think you're already halfway there, he knows more than you give him credit for, and you just need to close the loop, as it were. I would use the wedding photos as a springboard to explain how your family was formed.

Be prepared for questions about his bio father. But your son may be quite happy with the status quo and not have much to say/ask at this point.

Adoptive Families has a lot of resources on their website as well

ILoveBoys

@fredalina - Thanks for pointing that out, that never crossed my mind.

This morning he actually randomly asked "When did you and Daddy get married?" I told him. Then he said "And I was there right?" I said "Yes Mommy had you before she met Daddy and got married."

 He didn't ask any more questions after that. 

@Spooko - that's where I struggle, because he doesn't know any of those things so I'm not sure how much more I can say at this point. 

ILoveBoys

@DrLoretta - I checked out the Adoptive Families website but didn't really see much for our situation. Do you know of anything in particular? I will keep looking also. Thanks.

ILoveBoys

@fredalina - I KNOW! The only reason I didn't was because his younger brother and sister were in the kitchen with us, and I thought this was a conversation best had between the two of us. 

But I see this as a great springboard for a conversation starter later. I'm hoping tonight to put the other two kids to bed and let him stay up so I can look at photo books of his first year (he likes to do that) and chat.

ILoveBoys

So basically it comes down to me thinking it's a bigger deal than it really is. Figures.

lorifromwi

@ILoveBoys - I think it's pretty common for parents to make things into "a big deal" in our heads because we want to be compassionate and understanding and protect the LO's that may have already been through a lot.  But they are very resillent creatures and will likely surprise you...especially since you have a baseline of information already established with DS.  I agree with @Spooko, take advantage of having it in a family situation rather than a big sit-down.  It will work out, but I think sooner is better than later.

Dr.Loretta

ILoveBoys said:

So basically it comes down to me thinking it's a bigger deal than it really is. Figures.

it's ok, you're figuring it out as you go along. But I agree, close the loop even if the other kids are around. They may have questions too, that you can answer all in one go

ILoveBoys

@Spooko - thank you for sharing that perspective