Hi

ghd

It has been almost two months since I gave birth to my baby girl. The first few days of recovry were hard. Couldnn't sit or eat and I was very upset. I already knew about the "baby blues" but days went by and I felt I wasn't feeling better. I started breastfeeding although I didnt like tthe idea but I cared about the health of my baby so I continued doing that (still am..). It's hard. Sometimes, I dont have the patience or Im too tired. Im scared that she feels my negativity through me while breastfeeding her. I was diagnosed with a light case of postpartum depression. I meet my psychologist once a week for the past month and a half but I dont feel any change and that scres me. I miss my old life as hard and bad as it sounds. I mean... Who thinks that? Why dont I feel joyful all day long?? I hate feeling that. I feel like a bad mom.  I miss going out whenever I like or sleep.. going for walks or just have some time with my husband... People tell me that I dont look depressed that I look good and back to my shape ( Im good with showing a poker face). but they dont know that Im upset. This is my first child, motherhood isnt easy. I love my child with all my heart.I loved her from the moment my doctor confirmed I'm pregnant. I want to feel the hapinness all mothers feel. I do feel happy but my depression is taking over..  I feel like Im not used to this new situation and Im scared because it has been two months already and it should have passed by now... my family is very supportive, my husband helps me a lot but i think he doesnt fully understand the situation I am in. I wish I knew how to get out of this situation.. I want to feel better. In my everyday life, I always smile and laugh a lot so Im not used to feeling "low"..
Hope some of you have some positive thoughts about my story
Thank you for spending the time to read this!!

Ardmhs83

Honestly, a lot of what you are feeling is normal.  When you are a FTM and have never experienced this, you go through these feelings.  It is VERY overwhelming and you have no clue that it is until you are home with your newborn.  Since you were diagnosed with PPD it makes things even harder for you.  I know a lot of people have told you it gets easier, but really...it does.  I was in this same place asking myself, "what the hell did I do?"  I questioned whether or not I made the right decision to have a baby.  I missed my sleep and my old life as well.  I would get crazy jealous when I would see my friends still going out on the weekends and doing what we all use to do together.  I couldn't figure out why I was so miserable when I was just blessed with a healthy baby boy.  

You are not a bad mother and you are not wrong in missing your old life.  Your old life is all you know and 2 months isn't a long time to get use to being a mother.  Eventually you will get use to this new life and it will become the norm.  Once it becomes the norm it will be your new routine and you will be adjusted, making life easier.

I would suggest getting as much help as you possibly can.  You DH, family, friends...anybody you trust.  Getting a nap is way more important than any housework.  Also if you need breastfeeding help contact your local LLL...they are wonderful.  I also nursed my son and it is hard, but it also gets SOOOO easy the longer you do it.  It is well worth the first couple months of it being difficult.  Try some natural remedies to help with depression and if they don't work, contact your dr.  Give an antidepressant a try, many of them are breastfeeding friendly.  Call a therapist.  You don't have to live this way...life will get better! Hugs!        

ghd

Thank you so much for replying.. it is helpful to know that things will get easier.. its hard for me to look further so i take it day by day.. breastfeeding is hard mentaly only.. but maybe with time, itll work out...

Ardmhs83

You're welcome.  It is very hard to look at the future, I totally understand.  Before you know it...you will be there though and things will be better.  In the mean time...you have to do what you have to do to get through the present.  Even if that is meds/therapy.  It is ok and they can be a lifesaver!