SS and last names

nurrieum

On his last time with his mom, SS told his mom his name is: first name, her last name-our last name. His last name is only his moms. Well BM brings it to us and says SS insists his Dad told him this. Well, no my DH did not and we assured her of this.
He has her name in part because she only has sisters so there wouldn't have been someone to carry on the name.

So, today we Sat, SS down and talked to him about the importance of his name. That it was picked special and while he is a part of our family, he's part of two families and it's good that he shares his moms name. He said he wants to change his name to add our name to his. We told him that that's something for when he's older but that his name is a good name. Our (indicating my husband, myself, and our son) name may be different but we're all a family.

Did I handle this okay? I don't want SS not to feel like a part of our family and have no problem with the idea that he would hyphen his name. However, that's a huge choice that I don't want to foster until he could understand that significance. Also, we want to foster him to accept himself and his name is a part of that. I feel this is a touchy issue.

ambrvan

I think you handled it great.

CurlieWhirlie

I think you handled it really well. Remind me, how old is your SS?

In our blended family, I fear my DS with my ex-H is going to be the one feeling singled out because his last name is different than that of his two step brothers and his half brother, and it's different than my last name. He only shares his name with his father. We try to make sure he feels that that is a special privilege, and so far he hasn't expressed an interest in changing it, but he has expressed that he wants the new baby to have *his* last name, even though it's not his father's baby. He's four and a half.

Things you never thought you'd have to worry about!

nurrieum

CurlieWhirlie said:

I think you handled it really well. Remind me, how old is your SS?

In our blended family, I fear my DS with my ex-H is going to be the one feeling singled out because his last name is different than that of his two step brothers and his half brother, and it's different than my last name. He only shares his name with his father. We try to make sure he feels that that is a special privilege, and so far he hasn't expressed an interest in changing it, but he has expressed that he wants the new baby to have *his* last name, even though it's not his father's baby. He's four and a half.

Things you never thought you'd have to worry about!

He just turned 5. I struggle with the balance of blended families. His mom has been more involved lately and it's added to confusion for him. There's been varying changes going on.

nurrieum

Ps: we also just got done with a big move. Were now mere blocks from BM (not intentional just got a great place). There have been a lot of changes, I've also stopped taking any crap from BM. I've been working hard on assertive directness. So, BM has been more defensive lately too. She even crashed our birthday party for SS. Yep.

ambrvan

What do you mean by crash?

nurrieum

ambrvan said:

What do you mean by crash?

She invited herself to our birthday for SS. She caught me when I'd worked all night and was exhausted. So, we let her come. It was after this I decided no more doing things just because I'm nice. She showed up and tired getting in on our family time, but she didn't steal the show. We all just played nice so SS could see us getting along. Though, never again, I actually think it put more pressure on him.

It was after this we found out SS was about to be thrown out if preschool because BM never took SS to his 4 year check up, she was a year behind because it was time for his 5 year. She lied a whole bunch about all that, I caught her in that and called her on it and we made sure SS got into his appointments.

Abenedict2011

My SD is 9 and she has her BMs last name. She frequently switches between her dad and moms last name. We explained that legally her last name is the same as BM but she is welcome to use them interchangeably if it makes her happy.