My husband and I have been in couples counseling for about 2.5 months. It started when I discovered I was pregnant in December, and he revealed shortly after that he had been struggling with a lack of feelings and intimacy toward me. Our sex life had been declining a bit, but I honestly thought it was just because we were both busy, and he was getting a bit older. I certainly didn't realize he wasn't in love with me. Since we started counseling, he has realized something was missing for the past few years, but it wasn't clear to him because we have a solid friendship, laugh together, share experiences together, etc. We don't fight much, there is no infidelity, so maybe it wasn't readily apparent something was wrong.
Tonight, he told me that he just feels empty, and that he has been trying but just can't feel those things for me. And he can't do it anymore.
I am 4 months pregnant. My world is falling apart. He says he still cares for me as a person, I am his best friend, and he wants to be there every step of the way in the pregnancy and when the baby comes. But honestly, I don't want anything from him. I don't want his support, or his money, or to talk to him. I don't want him at doctor's appointments. I don't want him at the birth. I don't want to see his face because it breaks my heart all over again that the man I thought I would grow old with, the man who I loved so much (and who I thought loved me so much) that I did a complete 180 perspective about having a baby, is choosing to end this 8 year relationship. I know when the baby comes, I will need to share custody because he will be a good dad. But I don't want to see him or talk to him for the rest of the pregnancy. I don't know if I want him at the birth.
I am so, so angry and heartbroken. I don't know what to do. Any words of advice?
Re: Never Thought I'd Be a Single Mother
So I started making more of an effort for physical closeness. It worked for a couple weeks but I feel like we're right back where we started. And lately I'm beggining to resent him because I feel he's not contributing to the household. Have you ever read The 5 Love Languages? I feel loved when he does things for me, acts of service. It can be anything from doing dishes to getting me a drink. Sorry this is long, I don't mean to hijack your post. Is it possible that you and your husband can fall back into love and he can see how great you are? Is this your first child?
I understand you're anger and not wanting anything to do with him but maybe he's just going through his own mental struggles and he thinks pushing you away is going to solve this problem. It could be much deeper.
I feel for you. I understand the heartache.
My two cents is to seek counseling on your own to help process what is going on. Perfectly reasonable to feel anger, but working through it is important. If you can do that, co-parenting (whether you stay together or not) will be much easier for you all.
That's what we were hoping counseling could accomplish, but he doesn't think he can and just feels that he has no love to give me. He thinks that he has no other options and he has tried everything...but I haven't seen him actually TRY anything, except withdrawing and processing everything internally, without action or input from me.
He is also devastated, but again, feels like there is no other option. He seems to have this fantasy that because there was no infidelity, no abuse, etc., that we can still be best friends, and he can move into the same apartment building and be there every day for me and the baby. But how am I supposed to get over him and heal if he is always in my face and in my life?
Oct 21/13. Beta 360 @ 16 dpo
Oct 23/13. Beta 749 @ 18 dpo
Nov 24/13. Saw HB (141bpm) & baby wiggle around via ultrasound @ 9w5d due date changed to June 23!!
Dec 6/13. Heard HB (122bpm) via Doppler at OB @ 11w3d
Jan 9/14. Heard HB (124bpm) via Doppler at OB @ 16w3d irregular beat
Jan 29/14. DH felt kicks for first time @ 19w3d
Feb 2/14. Saw baby via ultrasound (quick scan in ER) @ 19w6d
Feb 6/14. Heard HB (126-134bpm) via Doppler @ 20w3d normal beat
Feb 15/14. AS - baby looked great (measured 1w small) and would NOT let us see sex! @ 21w5d
Feb 20/14 3D US - its a GIRL!!!!! @ 22w3d
Feb 27/14. Repeat AS for more pics, HB 124bpm @ 23w3d
Mar 6/14. Heard HB (130bpm) via Doppler @ 24w3d
Married 9/28/13 Not TTC but I will love the ladies of the TTGP board forever
Every time I see this dog, I want it.
TTGP April siggy challenge
Turbo Man
But he is super excited about the baby. He says "There is no one I'd rather have a baby with." WTF.
@jnnfrrose6 - Definitely looking at starting individual counseling for myself. I have never felt this low and hopeless. I know I need some professional guidance.
***SIGGY/TICKER WARNING***
TTC since September 2012 ~ DH(32): Non-obstructive azoospermia, Me(32): Normal
10/13 - TESE found sperm!! ~ 11/13 - IVF w/ ICSI #1 ~ ER 11/23/13 ~ 10 R, 9 M, 8 F
ET 11/29/13 ~ Transferred 2 beautiful hatching blasts, 5 frosties
12/5/13 - BFP!!! Beta #1 (12/7/13) - 189 Beta #2 (12/9/13) - 401 Beta #3 5871
12/16/13 U/S #1 - TWINS!! EDD - August 16, 2014 ~ 7/19/14 - Our beautiful baby girls joined the world!
Married: 5/09 ~ TTC Since: 10/10 ~ PCOS ~ Progesterone from 10/10 - 2/11 ~ HSG on 3/18 - Clear ~ Started Metformin 1000mg & Clomid 50mg 2/11 ~ Metformin upped to 1500mg 4/6 ~ 6/7 Now going to SG and put on Clomid, Ovidrel, Gonal F, Prometrium, Estrace ~ IUI #1 7/2 = BFP!!!!!! March 6th our little man was born.
6/17/13 - Ovidrel, Follistim, Prometrium ~ IUI #1 7/2 = BFP! March 17th our St. Pattys day baby arrived
10/29/17 - Started process for IVF, got pregnant & miscarried a 2nd time since summer. 2/22 started stims - Menopur, Gonal F, Cetrotide - retrieval 3/6 - , PIO, estrace 3xday - FET 4/18 = Beta 1: 616; Beta 2: 1342 = BFP
You will do just fine! I know it is really bad now, and it is hard to deal with while you are pregnant. BUT...you will bounce back and find a way to make everything work and may even meet someone new one day.
God Bless You my Little One
Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
Farida, at 8 weeks
In the end, he agreed to a trial separation while we both still go to counseling together. I am not at all optimistic - and to protect myself, I can't let myself feel that - but it is worth a try.
I am absolutely floored too. We literally went from being on an amazing roadtrip vacation together where we explored, laughed, and bonded in October...to being strangers under a roof who can't even look at each other (him out of guilt, me because it makes me cry).
He admitted it was said out of stress and anger, which I believe to be true because he has been pretty concerned with doctors appts, how the animals will take a backseat to baby, baby's room etc. BUT. The seed is planted. He can apologize another million times but not much can be done. Continuing our counseling but divorce is still on the table. And it won't be off until shit seriously changes. If it does.