2nd Trimester

Never Thought I'd Be a Single Mother

My husband and I have been in couples counseling for about 2.5 months. It started when I discovered I was pregnant in December, and he revealed shortly after that he had been struggling with a lack of feelings and intimacy toward me. Our sex life had been declining a bit, but I honestly thought it was just because we were both busy, and he was getting a bit older. I certainly didn't realize he wasn't in love with me.  Since we started counseling, he has realized something was missing for the past few years, but it wasn't clear to him because we have a solid friendship, laugh together, share experiences together, etc. We don't fight much, there is no infidelity, so maybe it wasn't readily apparent something was wrong.

Tonight, he told me that he just feels empty, and that he has been trying but just can't feel those things for me. And he can't do it anymore.

I am 4 months pregnant. My world is falling apart.  He says he still cares for me as a person, I am his best friend, and he wants to be there every step of the way in the pregnancy and when the baby comes. But honestly, I don't want anything from him. I don't want his support, or his money, or to talk to him.  I don't want him at doctor's appointments. I don't want him at the birth.  I don't want to see his face because it breaks my heart all over again that the man I thought I would grow old with, the man who I loved so much (and who I thought loved me so much) that I did a complete 180 perspective about having a baby, is choosing to end this 8 year relationship. I know when the baby comes, I will need to share custody because he will be a good dad. But I don't want to see him or talk to him for the rest of the pregnancy. I don't know if I want him at the birth.

I am so, so angry and heartbroken. I don't know what to do.  Any words of advice?

Re: Never Thought I'd Be a Single Mother

  • yvanehtniojyvanehtnioj member
    edited February 2014
    wow, i don't have any advice right now but i did want to say that i'm sorry you are going through this. i hope things get worked out and that this child brings you joy. i also hope you can find the strength to co-parent.

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    H e n r y  May 21, 2014

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  • Op, first of all *hugs*. I'm sorry you're going through this. My SO told me a few weeks ago that if things continue the way have for the past few years( i.e. very little sex, no real intinmacy) he doesn't think he can do it anyone. We've been together for 14 years , since I was 16. I'm four months pregnant. And while this revelation didnt hit me like a ton of bricks, ( I could feel the disconnection between us. I was sick and pregnant so I figured that was it) it really hurt me to hear he felt this way. He said he felt as if we're just roommates and doesn't want to live a "loveless life". He loves me , we share a 5 year old son. But he'd rather us split if things continued this way.
    So I started making more of an effort for physical closeness. It worked for a couple weeks but I feel like we're right back where we started. And lately I'm beggining to resent him because I feel he's not contributing to the household. Have you ever read The 5 Love Languages? I feel loved when he does things for me, acts of service. It can be anything from doing dishes to getting me a drink. Sorry this is long, I don't mean to hijack your post. Is it possible that you and your husband can fall back into love and he can see how great you are? Is this your first child?

    I understand you're anger and not wanting anything to do with him but maybe he's just going through his own mental struggles and he thinks pushing you away is going to solve this problem. It could be much deeper.

    I feel for you. I understand the heartache.
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  • So sorry to hear you are going through this! I second @love227, the 5 love languages is a helpful book to learn how you and your husband give an need love. My husband and I temporarily broke our engagement a few years ago, went through counseling, and are better off for it. Sometimes these feelings come in cycles. I hope you all can get past this and continue with a happier marriage. Until then T&Ps for you.
  • This is awful. I'm so sorry for you. I hope that he feels he gave the right effort as you have so much on your plate (belly) that I can't imagine not having his support. Do you have a good family and friends network? Do not think twice about crying on their shoulders. I am thinking of you, prayers....
  • Sorry to hear you're going through something difficult like this.

    My two cents is to seek counseling on your own to help process what is going on. Perfectly reasonable to feel anger, but working through it is important. If you can do that, co-parenting (whether you stay together or not) will be much easier for you all.
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  • @Love227 - I hope things work out for you. No woman should go through pregnancy feeling this shitty.

    That's what we were hoping counseling could accomplish, but he doesn't think he can and just feels that he has no love to give me.  He thinks that he has no other options and he has tried everything...but I haven't seen him actually TRY anything, except withdrawing and processing everything internally, without action or input from me.

    He is also devastated, but again, feels like there is no other option.  He seems to have this fantasy that because there was no infidelity, no abuse, etc., that we can still be best friends, and he can move into the same apartment building and be there every day for me and the baby. But how am I supposed to get over him and heal if he is always in my face and in my life? 
  • I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hugs
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  • I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't offer any advice because I would probably just fall a part in your situation. I wish you best of luck and really hope everything works out in your favor

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  • I am so sorry you have to go through this! My heart breaks for you. I am keeping you in my prayers!
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  • Just keep your head up sweet girl, show him just how strong you are. All the hugs.

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  • You and sweet baby are in my prayers.
  • Thanks ladies.  I can't even look at him.  The one person that I want comfort from, the one person I want to hold me...I can't.  In one swoop, the future and family that I thought I had...all gone.  I know logically I will be ok over time...but I am utterly broken and lost right now.
  • I'm sitting here in tears for you. I say cry your eyes out. Cry until you can't cry anymore and hopefully when the tears stop coming you'll find new comfort in something or someone else. And maybe you'll be a little stronger. I learned that once when I went through a heart shattering break up. I got all the way to the bottom of low and when I couldn't get any lower I found that there was no where else to go but up. So I recreated myself much wiser and much stronger. And I feel like he should have waited to tell you this. I feel it was inconsiderate to force you to deal with this pain while the baby can feel everything you're going through. Shame on him! Pregnancy is a very emotional experience and to add heartbreak on top of that is just too much. Its painful I know. Possibly the most pain you've ever experienced but it won't last.

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  • This is a personal question and you of course don't have to answer if you don't want, but...was this a planned pregnancy? And was he excited about it before it occurred?
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  • My first thought is that you need to get into counseling just for yourself.  You need to process this and work through it on your own, separate from the counseling you are doing with him.  There are still 4 months until your LO is due.  Who knows how you will feel then, but it will help you to see someone on your own to process your feelings and what you want separately from him while it feels like your world is falling apart.
  • jenniferurs - It was somewhat planned.  It was one of those "Let's go off BC and see how things go."  I was on BC for 10 years, we both thought it might take some time to get it out of my system, but it happened much, much faster.  He says he has been feeling like something is missing for some time, but the pregnancy just put a big spotlight on it.  The therapist has always said, don't let the pregnancy be this ticking time bomb, don't put that time restriction on yourself to work things out.  But he has done the opposite.  He says it will be easier to end it now, than when there is an infant in the picture.

    But he is super excited about the baby.  He says "There is no one I'd rather have a baby with."  WTF.

    @jnnfrrose6 - Definitely looking at starting individual counseling for myself.  I have never felt this low and hopeless.  I know I need some professional guidance.
  • I am sry you are going through this, I can understand your feelings.  If you need space to heal take it.  I may going a little far fetched here, but do you think there is a chance he may prefer a mans companionship over a woman's? It sounds like he has something deeper going on, but I could be wrong.
  • I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice to offer but hope you find strength and peace to get you and your sweet baby through this.

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  • I just want to say im sorry. I definitely agree with others that  you should definitely do counseling for yourself to try and get yourself in a good place before the baby comes. Get all the support you need from family and friends. He should know at this point his wants when it comes to you will need to be put on the back burner even if he wants to be involved in your pregnancy. IF it's too hard to be around him. talk to him etc..distance yourself and do whatever is necessary for you to heal. Hang in there..your baby will the amazing blessing that will light you up every day when he or she arrives. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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  • So sorry to hear that.  :(  I don't have any words of wisdom to offer that haven't already been said, but do know you are in our thoughts.  No one should have to feel that way, especially during a pregnancy!  It should be a time of joy and not one of tearing apart a family.  

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  • I feel your pain!!  My first child's father decided after I was 10 weeks pregnant that he did not want kids, and I never heard from him till 9 years later when I got married.  Even then he was just calling to see if my husband wanted to adopt her, to advoid child support.  I know it is hard now, but in the end it will all work it self out.
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  • I am so, so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine... my heart breaks for you. I'll be keeping you and baby in my prayers. 
  • @Kaybaby02 - it's nice to hear that you've been able to get through it and now have a better man in your life!  Definitely not looking to date anytime soon, but it's good to hear that you're not doomed to a forever alone love life as a single mom.  That life goes on, and you'll find someone else.
  • You will do just fine!  I know it is really bad now, and it is hard to deal with while you are pregnant.  BUT...you will bounce back and find a way to make everything work and may even meet someone new one day.

     

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  • (HUGS)  Im so sorry you are hurting.  One piece of advice Id like to share with you is to be very careful about making decisions that are motivated by your anger and pain.  

    Im happy to hear you are going to see a therapist for yourself.  

    In time maybe you will see it was far better that he was honest with you rather than stay and build a false life.  
  • First off I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's terrible of him to lay this on you while you're pregnant with his child.  I don't have single mom experience in terms of while I was pregnant but my first husband and I split shortly before our son turned 1.  Having a child changed the way he looked at me and he strayed.  The best advice I can give you is to go to counseling for yourself, he probably should do the same.  Individual counseling to me is great, I spent a lot of time in counseling when I found myself as a single mom; it helps you deal with the grief and anger.  

    Secondly, if you aren't able to make up and stay together, co-parenting is challenging at first because their are so many emotions and feelings but over time it gets easier.  Being able to co-parent together makes both of your lives so much easier and things better for your child.  Not to say my son's dad and I don't still get into screaming matches with each other but over the years we've made it work.

    Next, your friends and family will never be more important than they are right now. Use them as support, cry to them as much as you need to.

    I think you have the right to not want him involved in the birth because you're so hurt and it could cause unnecessary stress on you.  Be honest with him and tell him how you feel and that you think it's better for you and the baby to have some distance while you work through your emotions.

    Finally, don't think is the end.  I thought I would be a single mother forever and managed to find an incredible person.  When you're ready you'll be amazed how many men see so much potential in single mothers, they know you have a different view on life and a different level of maturity.

    Best of luck! My thoughts are with you!
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  • I'm so sorry.

    I'm only chiming in because I had a best friend in a very similar situation. Her husband left when she was 20 weeks pregnant. All of us friends were there to literally pick up the pieces. She depended on us and her family to get through and she did.

    Some things I remember her doing: she went to counseling on her own and right away. It helped to get the emotions out and talk about them. Also, she spent her time focusing on her recovery and not the baby. And what I mean is she worked on getting herself back together and skipped baby books and all of that. Once she got herself together, she prepared for the birth.

    This is not for everyone, but she took the high road and let him be involved at the hospital and everywhere else. We all had NO clue how she was able to do this. She just kept telling herself that it was best for her child. She continued counseling and they took parenting classes, which was part of their divorce agreement.

    Two years later, she is happy and so is her daughter. My friend has met someone amazing. Someone she can trust and share her life with. It was a journey, but she pulled it together bit by bit. 

    I hope you have a good support system. I'll be thinking about you.
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  • First off, I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

    I can relate. My husband and I are not doing so well, he has finally admitted to me he never wanted this baby, doesn't want to be a part of its life, and doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore either. He has started to become even more emotionally abusive than ever before with hopes I "lose the baby" 

    I started looking into divorce lawyers today. I refuse to subject my child to any of this. I will be 23, with a new born & divorced. 
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  • I'm so so sorry that your having to go through this at such an emotional time too...I'd definitely suggest counseling it will help you deal with your emotions about what your going through, and co-parenting, etc.

    I wouldn't want to look at him either..I honestly think that it's selfish of him to even think about living in the same building if he's considering divorce or a split up. Co-parenting and being involved is one thing but deciding to end everything like that and still remain right in your face is just heartless.

    I will keep you in my prayers
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  • I am just sending you positive energy and healing encouragement. I have no words of advice other than to say that we women are stronger than we know and we can truly accomplish anything we put our minds too even if its not what we would have chosen or what we ultimately want. Best of luck to you and your family. 
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  • Oh wow @atmaloney that is horrible and Im so sorry you're in that situation.  He sounds like a complete jackass.  I hope you are not having to suffer living under the same roof as his right now. Just, wow! 
  • Oh wow @atmaloney that is horrible and Im so sorry you're in that situation.  He sounds like a complete jackass.  I hope you are not having to suffer living under the same roof as his right now. Just, wow! 
    We do still live in the same house. Part of me wants to work on this, the other part of me knows it's no use. 
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  • @Ptarma - that's what I was hoping to, that we could rely on the friendship, affection, and caring for each other to pull us through.  But he has searched inside himself and found nothing.

    In the end, he agreed to a trial separation while we both still go to counseling together.  I am not at all optimistic - and to protect myself, I can't let myself feel that - but it is worth a try. 

    I am absolutely floored too.  We literally went from being on an amazing roadtrip vacation together where we explored, laughed, and bonded in October...to being strangers under a roof who can't even look at each other (him out of guilt, me because it makes me cry).
  • atmaloney said:
    First off, I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

    I can relate. My husband and I are not doing so well, he has finally admitted to me he never wanted this baby, doesn't want to be a part of its life, and doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore either. He has started to become even more emotionally abusive than ever before with hopes I "lose the baby" 

    I started looking into divorce lawyers today. I refuse to subject my child to any of this. I will be 23, with a new born & divorced. 
    Holy crap, what a jerk.  So glad you are not going to be the type to just stay with him and have to put up with that.  Sorry you have to go through that, but it sounds like you are making the best choice for you and baby.  Stay strong!

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  • ADC1979 said:


    atmaloney said:

    First off, I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

    I can relate. My husband and I are not doing so well, he has finally admitted to me he never wanted this baby, doesn't want to be a part of its life, and doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore either. He has started to become even more emotionally abusive than ever before with hopes I "lose the baby" 

    I started looking into divorce lawyers today. I refuse to subject my child to any of this. I will be 23, with a new born & divorced. 

    Holy crap, what a jerk.  So glad you are not going to be the type to just stay with him and have to put up with that.  Sorry you have to go through that, but it sounds like you are making the best choice for you and baby.  Stay strong!


    He admitted it was said out of stress and anger, which I believe to be true because he has been pretty concerned with doctors appts, how the animals will take a backseat to baby, baby's room etc. BUT. The seed is planted. He can apologize another million times but not much can be done. Continuing our counseling but divorce is still on the table. And it won't be off until shit seriously changes. If it does.
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  • Its better to be a single mom & doing it on your own, than to be in a relationship that is not working.  I am a single mom and have been for 5 years & there are a lot of wonderful things a bout being a single mom. First you have an incredibly close relationship to your child: because there are no arguments between you and spouse and you can really focus on parenting. 

     Since birth my son and I have a super close relationship. I have support of my parents, and great close girlfriends and co workers.

     It takes more than man and woman to raise a child :  it takes a community . You may feel at peace once you realize how much strength and love you have to give.  Love will come back into your life when it is right but right now the focus is on parenting (The early stages FLY BY and you dont want to miss them by being sad about a man or a love relationship: the love you will feel from your baby is unconditional and being a "MOMMY"  is a blessing and something a lot of people dont get the opportunity to do: Embrace your destiny. We make ourself happy not a man. 
  • Ive been there. EXACTLY there.

    I recommend that you A: move out. Go on craigslist and find a room to rent. This might open his eyes that he can lose you and the baby.

    B. get into counseling, start going yourself and see if you can get him to go.

    remember, you must protect your CHILD. if you stay, you are not protecting your child.

    DONT SETTLE. you deserve better.
  • First of all im sorry your going through this. i know its pants but what about having some time apart maybe he could move out for a week or so to try and clear his head, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that?
  • Ok seriously what is the matter with these men? I'm sorry but him breaking off your marriage at this point is totally selfish and irresponsible. It makes me so sad that people view marriage in way that means they should cut and run as soon as they feel a tiny bit unhappy. He made a commitment to you when you married and him abandoning you now is beyond low in my opinion. He should be sticking with you and doing his damnedest to work things out for the sake of your child if nothing else. Geez!  
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