Late Term and Child Loss

Loss Check In

Welcome to the checkin! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: It's not a question, but tell me about your angel. Go ahead and brag. We don't get many chances...

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

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Re: Loss Check In

  • Ticker warning (rainbow mentioned)

     

    Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?  No, I've been pretty emotional this week.  I guess because we're getting so close to her first angelversay, just a month from Monday.

    What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?  I guess to celebrate her angelversary.  We want to do a balloon release at the cemetery, just MH and I and our rainbow since she'll be born by then.  I also want to get a cake made so we can celebrate quietly at home.  We'll probably also go buy her a new stuffed animal to put at her grave for the spring and summer. 

    QOTW: It's not a question, but tell me about your angel. Go ahead and brag. We don't get many chances...She was gorgeous....she was born at 22 weeks 2 days and weighed just 1 pound, 1.6 ounces.  I couldn't get over how tiny and perfect she was.  Her little fingernails were barely a speck, her tiny ears were so perfectly developed but itty bitty.  She looked like me, she had my nose, lips and chin and I am SO proud of that fact.  My MIL calls her our tiniest girl, I love that, and I love that she considers our rainbow to be their 8th grandchild, not 7th (since they count Kayla).

    Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?  Wondering how my rainbow's delivery is going to be.  Will I be terrified, will I be so happy I don't think of the bad stuff, will I cry sad and happy tears?  I just don't know and the unknown is a little scary.

    Lilypie - (fm2j)

    Lilypie - (YesX)

     My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks.  Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!

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  • Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?  Just one big one - I called the RE this week to discuss our next steps.  I am nowhere near ready to jump into IVF again, but I want to know how we will proceed in the future.  This kind of hurt at the same time though - making the call was harder than I thought it would be.  

    What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Next goal - to get into a normal sleeping pattern.  I have been staying up all night, crying over my babies and thinking about how I couldn't save them.  I still have that guilt, but I think I need to show my sons (who I hope are watching from heaven) that I am a strong mother. 

    QOTW: It's not a question, but tell me about your angel. Go ahead and brag. We don't get many chances... My two beautiful boys - Conner Timothy and Benjamin Michael, born on January 10, 2014 at 22.5 due to chorioamnionitis.  The nurses didn't know if we would get a few minutes or a few hours with them, and my baby boys were so strong and brave that they lived for hours.  Conner made little hiccups and stuck his tongue out at us, and Ben's hands were always finding their way up to his face.  They came out at 1 pound, 2 ounces each - they were good eaters :)  I never expected to be so in love with my babies, but as soon as I held them I just knew i was meant to be their mama.  I miss them so much!

    Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? If this will happen again.  I just got back from my 6 week post partum checkup and my OB explained that I am at higher risk for chorio again.  I am terrified.  I don't even know if I want to TTC again. I can't lose another baby. 
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  • Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? My baby boy passed away this week, so right now I'm trying to just not implode. What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? My goal is to get through the funeral without melting into a puddle of tears. My husband has been so amazing, and is the main thing getting me through this. QOTW: It's not a question, but tell me about your angel. Go ahead and brag. We don't get many chances... Q was a perfect and beautiful 5 week old boy. He was born a little earl tat 35.5 weeks, but was healthy and wonderful in every way. We got to have him home for exactly one week before we noticed he was getting sick, so we brought him to the hospital where he was admitted to the NICU and it was determined that he had adenovirus. At first he didn't seem that sick, but things kept escalating, and after 4 weeks there, he finally lost his battle. He was such a strong little guy and made it further than almost any other baby in his situation. He loved holding our hands and when we would sing and talk to him. We spent every day and every night with him, and I feel lost without him.

    Me 32 (Stage IV Endometriosis, short luteal phase) DH 38

    Married 5/2010

    January 2014- DS born healthy at 35.4 weeks

    February 2014- DS passed away due to complications from adenovirus

    February 2015- Rainbow baby DD born at 36.3 weeks

    My chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/42fd32 

     


  • Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

    I signed up for a 10K and started training this week. I also joined a new Pilates studio and took my first class! Of course, the instructor is pregnant (due in April). I almost left but decided to stay and let myself feel whatever emotions I had. I mentioned that I would need with some of the core exercises because I had a baby two months ago. After class she congratulated me and started asking questions. She cried with me when I told her that our son died and said that she hoped the studio could be a healing place for me. She was the first stranger that I've talked about my son with, it was difficult (even though she was so kind and compassionate) so I'm proud of myself.

    What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

    I'm going to reach out to my friend who had her son on the same day as me. I'm not sure if I'm emotionally ready to see her but I think it might be good for me to get in touch with her over email.

    QOTW: It's not a question, but tell me about your angel. Go ahead and brag. We don't get many chances...

    Wesley Matthew was born at 9:35 am on 12/25/13. He was 7 pounds, 3 ounces and 20.5 inches long. He had TONS of curly black hair (not surprising consider how much hair my husband and I both have!) and the cutest little fingers and toes.

    Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

    I'm back at work and I'm really struggling to find the passion that I once had for my job. I want to quit but my husband is really worried that I'll regret it in the future. I'm just so used to being a workaholic and getting a lot of satisfaction from the work I do. It feels strange to not be very productive and not really care.
  • @erinel- I am so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking about you and your husband.
  • Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? We had the memorial service, graveside service, and I wrote a book for my daughter.
    What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Finish the book online for Abby with our pictures.
    Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Start a book on Snapfish. The pictures are all already there. Just have to pick out which ones to use.
    QOTW: It's not a question, but tell me about your angel. Go ahead and brag. We don't get many chances... Nathaniel Willis was born at 39 1/2 weeks on 2/6/14 at 8 pounds, 2 ounces and 20 1/2 inches. He was perfect and so cute.
    Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I wonder when I will be able to do anything  by myself again. Not being able to go anywhere myself is getting really old.
    Abigail Grace 9/7/10
    Nathaniel Willis born sleeping 2/6/14
    Felicity Hope 4/6/15

  • Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
    Nothing really.

    What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
    Right now I am feeling consumed with getting in shape and losing weight. It has become a total distraction from feeling sad, which may or may not be good, but it is a big focus of mine right now. We are talking about trying for another baby in August so I have six months to lose weight and change some bad habits before then.

    QOTW: It's not a question, but tell me about your angel. Go ahead and brag. We don't get many chances...
    Colton James, born still on August 28, 2013. He was 3 lbs 13 oz 17 inches long. He would have been so tall! He was almost as long when he was born two months early as his big brother, who was full term, and their newborn footprints are just about the same length! He looked like his big brother and had dark hair, although when I look at photos I can see lots of soft little blond hairs so I imagine he would have been blond just like his big brother and his daddy. He was such a little gymnast in my belly, doing somersaults and rolling over and over. I loved to just lay on the couch and watch him.

    Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
    It will be six months on Friday, which is just unbelievable. How has that much time passed? He would be six months old! I see newborns and they make me think of him, because he will always be a newborn in my mind, but really, he would be six months old now! Oh I miss him so much!
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

    I just returned from a 3-day grief recovery retreat. It was a great experience and I will review it in a separate post one day this week--today I'm a bit emotionally drained. Today is 4 weeks out from the boys' birth and death; I hope Sundays are not always this hard.

    What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

    My next goal was to return to work FT starting tomorrow, but after my heavy retreat weekend I think I need a day off to regroup. I guess that makes my plan to achieve my goal to email my boss tonight.

    QOTW: It's not a question, but tell me about your angel. Go ahead and brag. We don't get many chances...

    Our boys were so beautiful. Anthony was 11" and 1lb 2.6oz of perfection; Benjamin was 11" and 1lb 3.2oz of perfection. Anthony was always very cooperative with ultrasounds and he'd give us a perfect profile shot. Benjamin was a bit of a wild child and would be upside down, sideways, hiccuping--you name it. I miss feeling their kicks.

    Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
    br> We have our first follow-up appointment with the doc who delivered me this week. I have a lot of 'which came first the chicken or the egg' questions regarding my silent preterm labor and fully dilated cervix that I hope she can answer. They have been on repeat in my head these past 4 weeks and I'm hoping talking to her about them can put them to rest. At 4 weeks out my lochia discharge is mostly gone...guess I'm just waiting for AF to arrive now? After my D&C last January AF showed up on day 35, so hopefully I will see her soon.

    image
    TTC since 10/2010
    IUIs # 1-5 = BFFN
    IVF # 1(July 2012) = BFN
    IVF # 2 (November 2012) = BFP (MIssed MC D&C @ 8w3d on 1/10/13)
    IVF # 3 (June 2013) = BFN 
    IVF # 4 (September 2013) = BFP Fraternal twin boys! (Loss at 21w6d due to IC on 1/26/14...devastated.)
    3/21/14--TAC (transabdominal cerclage) w/Dr. Davis in NJ
    IVF # 5 (May 2014) = BFN
    FET (August 2014) = BFN

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I had one really hard day this week. I was pretty much a disaster and just couldn't do anything. By about 5pm I gave in and just decided I was going to watch movies, go to bed and start over the next morning. Tuesday, was a better day. I guess I realized that it is okay to have a bad day like that sometimes. It isn't worth beating myself up over. I also realized that just as it is okay to recognized those bad days and not stress over them, I should also recognize and say "Hey, today is a really good day". And realize that having good days, and recognizing them is good too.

    What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Making an appointment with my midwife, which is a little complicated as she switched practices to a different city. But, I really feel like right now I need the consistency of seeing her and not someone else from the practice I was in. I want to talk with her some about my C-Section, as well as about the future.

    QOTW: It's not a question, but tell me about your angel. Go ahead and brag. We don't get many chances...

    Zedekiah Eliohenai Silas was born by C-Section on October 27th at 9:26pm (at 41 weeks 5 days!). He was 19.5 inches and weighed 7lbs 12oz. He was beautiful. He looked so much like his daddy! I remember thinking how weird it was to have a baby who looked nothing like me! Zedekiah loved to snuggle. He had these beautiful long, delicate fingers. I remember dreaming about teaching him to play the piano. And he had HUGE feet! He was always hungry, but had a hard time latching to eat. He would cry like crazy every time he woke up and realized he was hungry, but then my husband would pick him up and say "Its okay. You're okay" and Zedekiah would stop crying and stare calmly up at him.

    Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I think just realizing that I'm doing okay. I have bad days here and there, but that's okay. Realizing it is also okay to recognize it when I feel good. I guess I've been feeling pretty good and thinking toward the future.
    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lagf.lilypie.com/lCl5m7.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers" /></a>
  • Late to the game...

    Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
    Hmm. Been thinking alot about Ana lately, and what we want to do for her birthday. I guess in some way that is theraputic..to feel my feelings.

    What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
    Survive her 1st birthday. Ugh.

    QOTW: It's not a question, but tell me about your angel. Go ahead and brag. We don't get many chances...  
    My daughter, Anastasia Maeve is a beautiful fairy princess. She was named after the russian princess and means "she who will rise again". Love that. Maeve is the name of the Queen of the fairies in myth & lore. So, she really is a fairy princess!! She was born at 37 weeks, at 5lbs 11oz 18.5 inches long. Gorgeous with soft light brown hair, long fingers, rose bud mouth. My little button nose. So perfect. She looked like she was sleeping. Her nursery is classic pooh theme, and is still together, waiting for our rainbow. We've been waiting for Ana for years, as we knew that would be our first daughter's name. She was spunky, liked listening to music and when her Daddy read to her. I'm sure she would have been a handful :)

    Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
    Ideas for her bday...we want to make cupcakes, go out to lunch with our parents and close friends. A balloon release and I want to bring her a balloon to her grave.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic   image image

        My Blog

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
      

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
    Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013

    BFP # 2 8/7/14 EDD 4/22/15
    Please be our rainbow!!

    **All AL Welcome**

  • Ticker warning (new pregnancy mentioned)

     

    @ikrystal, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Did any of your doctors ever mention the possibility of an incompetent cervix?  It's a pretty heavily debated subject in my doctor's office.  Two of my doctors believe in IC and cerclages to prevent it with subsequent pregnancies.  They admit that they don't know for certain if the issue is IC and the chorio (which they did say was present in my case) came after the fact, or if it was the chorio that caused the PTL.  They said it's the chicken or the egg scenario, which came first.

    But their belief is, if the loss is due to IC, the cerclage can help prevent it.  If not, there isn't a ton of downsides to the cerclage....there is a very low chance of complications, and with the added cervical monitoring it would be caught in time if the cervix were still shortening too much and too fast so the chance of cervical rupture isn't very high either.

    Two other doctors in my practice do not believe in IC at all, and are adament that my loss, and anyone like mine were due to chorio.  But one question they could never answer is, why do all of these losses occur around the same time?  I am no doctor, but to me it makes sense that IC would affect pregnancies around the same gestational period (18-22 weeks) because that is when the baby gets heavy enough that the cervix cannot support the weight and opens.  But they cannot explain why chorio would be so common right around that time.

    For me personally, hearing that it could have been IC gave me hope, because I could do something about it.  Whereas with chorio, I had to worry and hope it didn't happen again.  I just wanted to put that out there just in case your doctor never mentioned it.  If I had only seen the doctor who didn't believe in IC, I fear how this current pregnancy would have turned out if I didn't have a cerclage done.  Big hugs to you!

    Lilypie - (fm2j)

    Lilypie - (YesX)

     My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks.  Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!

    image

  • angelsnight said: Ticker warning (new pregnancy mentioned) @ikrystal, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Did any of your doctors ever mention the possibility of an incompetent cervix?  It's a pretty heavily debated subject in my doctor's office.  Two of my doctors believe in IC and cerclages to prevent it with subsequent pregnancies.  They admit that they don't know for certain if the issue is IC and the chorio (which they did say was present in my case) came after the fact, or if it was the chorio that caused the PTL.  They said it's the chicken or the egg scenario, which came first.But their belief is, if the loss is due to IC, the cerclage can help prevent it.  If not, there isn't a ton of downsides to the cerclage....there is a very low chance of complications, and with the added cervical monitoring it would be caught in time if the cervix were still shortening too much and too fast so the chance of cervical rupture isn't very high either.Two other doctors in my practice do not believe in IC at all, and are adament that my loss, and anyone like mine were due to chorio.  But one question they could never answer is, why do all of these losses occur around the same time?  I am no doctor, but to me it makes sense that IC would affect pregnancies around the same gestational period (18-22 weeks) because that is when the baby gets heavy enough that the cervix cannot support the weight and opens.  But they cannot explain why chorio would be so common right around that time.For me personally, hearing that it could have been IC gave me hope, because I could do something about it.  Whereas with chorio, I had to worry and hope it didn't happen again.  I just wanted to put that out there just in case your doctor never mentioned it.  If I had only seen the doctor who didn't believe in IC, I fear how this current pregnancy would have turned out if I didn't have a cerclage done.  Big hugs to you! @angelsnight, It is funny that you bring that up because I just got back from another doctor's appointment.  I've met with both OBs in the practice that I go to as well as my MFM, and none of them think this was due to an IC.  The biggest reason against this is because I labored for a long time before I gave birth to my boys.  My cervix dilating was a result of many contractions, while people with an IC usually do not have contractions like that.  While my doctors cannot be 100% certain that the infection was the cause of labor and not the result, all three of them believe in their gut that it was the infection that caused it.  They could find no other reason why I would go into preterm labor, and my MFM explained to me that it was in the way that I labored that led her to believe it was an infection that caused the labor.  Not only that, but the pathology reports showed exactly how bad my boys and I had been hit by the infection... something that was probably brewing for awhile before I went into labor.  

    You're right though - I was almost hoping for IC because then I could demand a cerclage and go on bed rest.  But with Chorio, theres nothing to do about it.  My OB will be putting me on 17p shots just in case, and measuring my cervix every week with the next pregnancy (IF there is a next pregnancy).  Other than that... we just wait and see.  He says he has never had a woman, in his 25 years of practicing, have Chorio more than once.  While my chances are increased for getting it again, it would still be rare for it to happen... like lightening hitting twice.  Knock on wood.  
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