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Baby Showers
chrissy1013
member
Need Advice
chrissy1013
member
Hi all,
Sorry for the length......................
DH and I are expecting twin boys in June after a 4 year struggle with IF. My side of the family is so excited after all of our struggles and these babies will be the first grandchildren. My mom, aunts and SIL (brother's wife) are going all out and throwing a big shower for us at the end of March. We are so excited and can't wait to celebrate.
My in-laws got upset when hearing about the shower my side is throwing because we are not inviting their extended family. We are including my MIL, 3 SILs and 2 nieces from that side but no cousins or aunts. DH is not close with any of his extended family and none of them are local, so we didn't see the issue. Plus, I felt that if they felt the need to include the extended family, they had two options - 1) host something specific to that side of the family or 2) call my mom and offer to assist in throwing the larger shower and then invite the extended family.
Last night I got a call complaining that I am being difficult in excluding their extended family and should be more flexible. DH responded that we are not hosting the shower that my side is throwing and typically the hosts, who pay for the shower, get to dictate the guest list. He repeated that he is not close with any of that family and they are free to plan something for that side separately. Later on in the evening, I got a text message saying that now they are hoping to do something for their side the day before the other shower and we need to hold it at our house. Um....DH and I just moved into a new home and have scheduled painters to come during that time. Plus, I'm exhausted with this pregnancy and am really not up to playing hostess. My SIL lives 20 minutes away, so can't we do it there? Or even at a restaurant? I should have never mentioned the restaurant option because my side of the family owns and runs a restaurant. Now they want to do it there, but not pay for anything. I can't ask my family to cover that expense. Plus, Saturday nights are typically very busy at the restaurant and I don't want to take up space and cost the restaurant other business. Honestly, I have a hard time picturing my family serving free food to his family when they are being so difficult and cheap about this whole issue. To top it off, we were told that the extended family will not travel to attend this shower, but will just send gifts. So then why are we even bothering to do this? The gifts would be great, but this drama is just not really worth it. Unfortunately, my doctor advised me not to travel more than one hour from the hospital beginning at 24 weeks, so traveling to where the extended famliy is located is not an option.
Any ideas on how to handle this? I told them I did not want to do it at my family's restaurant as I'm fairly certain that all Saturday evenings in March were busy with catering and party reservations. I'm not trying to be picky, but I just don't want it at our house or our restaurant. To me, that doesn't seem unreasonable. But is it? I'm just hoping things go better than at the bridal shower my family threw where my in-laws were very put off by the gifts and how many people attended. They thought it was over the top and unnecessary. I come from a large and very close family. It's just how we do things. Sadly, I wish they just wouldn't attend..... 
Edited for grammar/spelling mistakes 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need Advice
My advice, stop "explaining" things to them. Your DH needs to handle it and he needs to simply say "we appreciate the offer (ha ha- not really sure what they are offering....), but it can't be held at our house or the restaurant. We understand that this might mean there isn't a shower.".
Period.
They ask "why", just say "we're unable to have it at our house/the restaurant". Just don't get into it w/ them. the more you explain/defend, the more holes they'll find.
Here's the ultimate thing you need to realize- you aren't responsible for their feelings. Let them get mad! That's on them, not you. I know you want everyone to be happy, but honestly, his family really does simply sound cheap and they want a party that SOMEONE ELSE pays for and throws. They don't get it? Oh well, LET THEM BE MAD.
Ignore the texts and calls. They start in on it again, you/your DH need to say "we're not doing to discuss this anymore" and change the topic or END the call.
This keeps going on and on because they keep thinking there are openings to get what they want. Just shut it down.
Honey- you're never going to win with them. So really, even more reason to stop trying!
You are so right! I've tried so hard over these last 10 years that we've been married to be the flexible that they really take advantage. I need to stop explaining my position and letting them take advantage of me. This happens with ALL holidays too. It ends up being my job to coordinate for the whole family b/c they can't plan their way out of a box. With two babies coming, it's time to "shut it down" like you said! TY!
DH is doing everything he can to keep my stress level down right now, so he absolutely took the lead last night. I think that's why they decided to start texting me to get around him since they didn't like the answers he was providing. Thanks for letting me know your also feel it's rude one their part to suggest our house or restaurant. Lately, I've been having trouble figuring out my feelings and not overreacting with all of these pregnancy hormones charging through me. Thanks!
And really, your response was fine. Just moving forward, know that it's OK to not respond at all or just say "no".
Good luck. You're in a good spot in that your DH clearly has your back.
@jociejones - I like that line. Will have to put it to good use!
@jennish11 - Thanks for your support and kind wishes. We knew that my ILs would never be supportive during our struggles, so they just found out now that we are pregnant. I think that was the right decision in order to keep sanity in our home. And you are right, the way they are offering to host at our house or restaurant, completely negates the concept of hosting!
@VOR - I just spoke to DH and liked the "Rock On" comment! He definitely has my back and I am so thankful for that. The beginning of our marriage was tough when it came to family relationships and we certainly had our growing pains, but it's great that we are on the same page now.
@MrsLee04 - That is another line I will have to keep on repeat. It's respectful but to the point!
@RibbitGr930 - Love the cray cray comment! I totally agree!
There was similar nonsense with our wedding too. We went over the guest list with them (my parents, DH and I paid for the wedding) and then AFTER invitations went out, MIL wanted a bunch more of her friends invited. I was livid, she claimed we never cleared the list with her, which we had, and of course, she played completely dumb on the fact that guests cost money. She suggested PHOTOCOPYING our invitation and just providing it to her friends that way. It was so out of hand. We certainly put our foot down but needless to say, I didn't have a fond feelings for them at our wedding after the insanity. This situation is just par for the course for these people. Early on in our marriage, DH felt the need to defend them as I was constantly frustrated with their behavior but now he sees how wrong some of these situations are and gets equally frustrated.
Thanks for your input. I am totally fine without having this second 'shower.' They have already made me feel like they don't want to do it but feel they need to check a box so they don't look bad to others. They haven't called to check on how I'm feeling through this pregnancy, didn't offer to lift a finger when we were moving but are the first ones to want to have a party at our house. They wanted to do Christmas here too even though we hadn't completely moved in yet. Unfortunately, this is how they are. I just need to learn to stop hoping for better behavior.....
On another note, wait until my MIL finds out that DH is converting to Greek Orthodox (my religion) since that's how we plan to raise the boys. He is Methodist now, but the Christian religions all fall under the same basic beliefs and he said it's something he wants to do for our family. Oh to be a fly on the wall!
I really struggle with this too.
My mom's side of my family (my parents are divorced) is known for behaving badly. For example, my sister saw a picture of me on FB and concluded that I was pregnant again. So, she started telling everyone. Well, it turns out that I am expecting (though wasn't in the picture - that was baby weight from DD) and when I told her, her response was, "I know. I've already told (brother's name), (her friends names), and (aunt's name)." I was shocked to say the least. I mean, who does that?!
But, that's always what I expect from them. I've stopped trying to play the game, and either they go along with what's good for my family or they don't. Like, I've stopped begging for them to spend holidays with us - If they want to come, great, if not more pie for me. It was really hard at first (I didn't want to let go of the dream of having that perfect Normal Rockwell family), but is now sort of liberating. Like, if you want to come for Christmas, let me know by this date or I'll assume you're not coming. If they call later, I'm sorry, we didn't buy enough food since you didn't let me know.
Whatever you decide, good luck with them.
On another note, wait until my MIL finds out that DH is converting to Greek Orthodox (my religion) since that's how we plan to raise the boys. He is Methodist now, but the Christian religions all fall under the same basic beliefs and he said it's something he wants to do for our family. Oh to be a fly on the wall!
I will say, I had a knee-jerk reaction of "why does he need to formally tell her?". But when it comes to religion, and as she is the way she is - just coming out with it may be a good idea.
BUT - advice. Tell your DH that 1- he needs to make it clear that this IS what is happening. Hes not looking for her approval. 2- he needs to leave it very simple - this is a decision HE has made as he sees it fit for his immediate family. Period. He should NOT get into a long, involved explanation. When she flips out, he needs to let her. As I said before- you aren't responsible for her feelings. He just needs to let her get mad. But he doesn't need to jump to continuing to defend/explain.
Seriously. This shouldn't be a long, drawn out conversation.
Thank you!!!