Half Vent/Half seeking advice...IDK. Come on in!

MrsT0514

I guess I'm just gonna write out my thoughts here, bc at this point I'm not sure how to handle this situation, or even IF there is anything I should be acting on. Either way, opinions and/or advice welcome as always!

I mostly SAH with DS, but work PT as a waitress a few nights during the week as well as from 10:30-5pm on Saturdays. DS goes to DC Tuesday afternoons, Wednesday (full day), and Friday afternoons. DH picks up DS by 6pm sharp (when DC closes) every Tuesday and every OTHER Wednesday (I work a double shift alternating weeks). I do pick up on Fridays.

Well last night when I got home from work, he was in an awful mood and said he was just stressed out with having to rush out of work to get DS on the nights he does pick up. He bitched about having to bust ass at work all week and then have to worry about getting DS on time, do dinner, bedtime, etc and not getting to shower until DS goes to bed.

I know damn well he works his ass off, and i appreciate his hard work immensely, but it really fucking angers me that he approaches this as if he is the only one working hard here. Honestly, when I started this PT job, we overestimated the.money I'd be making. I'm pretty much working to pay for PT daycare and maybe some groceries each week (which I know DH sees this is as counterproductive from an income POV), but I've come to see this job as a slice of sanity as well. I love being home with my kid, but all day every day gets exhausting...and a little monotonous. Not to mention, I think he's getting some great socialization and interaction with other kids at DC.

Idk. I feel like he's in a roundabout way trying to sway me to just quit my job and pull DS out of DC.to make shit easier, even though he's not outwardly saying it. Or maybe thats just me reading too much into it. Im just frustrated bc I dont really have a solution right now and this is an ongoing point of contention that he continually seems to be putting out there. Sometimes i just feel like telling him to suck it up bc this is parenthood, but I'm sure this wont be of any help. Ugh. Anyone have any advice or experiences to share?

If you got through this tl; dr I owe you a cocktail, for sure. Thanks :-)

LoveActually4

Your H needs to put his big girl panties on. If you like working and it makes sense for your family I am sure he can manage 1 daycare pickup/bedtime a week.

RondackHiker

MrsBadKat said:

So your husband essentially has to provide all the evening care for your child 6 out of 30 days per month? 

I hear violins playing.

aforst

I see two sepearate issues here.  The first is him bitching about having to pick up DS a couple days a week and take care of him during the evening.  This would irritate me because it's part of being a family and a parent.  You pick up the slack when you need to.  I don't like being responsible for everything when my husband works late, but it is what it is.  You suck it up and deal.  He does the same for me when I need him to.

I don't know your finances and I'm sure it's frustrating for him to think that you are just working to essentially pay for daycare.  However, you and DS seem to be getting a lot out of you working.  You deserve to be happy too. 

If I were in your situation, I would have a serious talk with him about how much you enjoy the job and how much you think your DS enjoys daycare. I would then explain that you understand it can be stressful taking care of LO, but it's part of his job as a parent.    You shouldn't feel bad about wanting to work. 

GL with whatever you guys decide!

MrsT0514

LoveActually4 said:

Your H needs to put his big girl panties on. If you like working and it makes sense for your family I am sure he can manage 1 daycare pickup/bedtime a week.

Well, every other week he's doing Tuesday and Wednesday pick up. But in.the grand scheme of things and the point you're making, yes...I agree that he needs to suck it up. im just struggling with how to make this point to him in a way that will actually help the situation...not just add anger. Kwim?

Giraffealaff

Yea, I think he needs to get over it. Does he understand that you are basically working 2 jobs by being SAH and having a PTJ? 

LoveActually4

I will add that MH is always trying to weasel out of DC pickups and bedtime routines when he can as well. Why? Cause that shit is hard and H feels it's easier for me.

I tell him it's easier for me because I've done it 1000 times and it's only going to get easier for him if he steps up and establishes his own routines with the kids.

MrsT0514

@thisisbrea thats ok! I appreciate your perspective.

I totally get how exhausting and hard it must be for him to work 50+ hours a week in construction and then rush to pick up DS, do dinner, bedtime, etc. I really do. But I think maybe this is a classic example of "the grass is always greener".

secretsout

On one hand, I feel like he should suck it up and deal with it, he's a parent, and this is part of the deal.  I would basically tell him to get over himself.   

On the other, I can understand to some extent.  He thinks it is hard/stressful because he doesn't have to do it that often.  I do dinner/bed/bath almost every night because my husband rarely gets home from work before 7:30 or 8.  Then sometimes he acts like it is super difficult to do things that I have to do every day and it makes me so angry that I could scream at him.  In reality, it is hard for him because he isn't as used to it as I am.

Maybe you are just reading into it and he is just venting.  If you think it is more than that, then I would just be straight with him and ask him if he is just venting or if he is trying to say something.  And that if it is the latter, then he needs to just come out and say it so you can talk about a possible solution

MrsCodeMonkey

I had a similar issue and I only tutored 2 nights a week for 2hrs each time. DH complained that he had to finish work early and that he could make the money with just a bit of overtime. He had it calculated down to the minutes and it was downright demeaning.

I told him that I supported his career and the least he could do was be responsible for DD for two evenings without complaining.

That said, I'm afraid to say I ended up getting out of one night of tutoring because Pre-Calc was too demanding. I'd prep for 2-3hrs so I could tutor 2.

Sorry I made this about me. Many hugs! I think you have every right to work as much as you want and expect your DH to suck it up and make it work. It doesn't matter how much you make. It's your choice.

MrsT0514

uconnhuskie007 said:

I have to add - while I agree with everyone that his "burden" is very small as compared to OP's, it's something he never had to deal with before and likely doesn't feel he should have to.  He's probably thinking he works hard so that OP can stay home and raise their kids, which I can only assume is a common goal they once shared.

Yes we both agree that its best for our family to have me be home with DS (and any future.kids) majority of the time. And ill be perfectly honest here, I have no inclination to work FT. Id rather be home more and be with my kid. Honestly, if we had family local to us, I probably wouldn't be inclined to even keep my PT job as long as I had an hour or two here and there to either get out by myself or run an errand here and there, but unfortunately free childcare isn't an option, so if we're incurring that extra expense, the money to pay for ot has to come from somewhere. Does that make sense?

We have had this conversation before, so its not like DH doesnt know how I feel about this. Its just frustrating bc it doesnt seem like our conversations have yielded any.solution yet. maybe this is something ill need to bring up in our next therapy session.

MrsT0514

LoveActually4 said:

I will add that MH is always trying to weasel out of DC pickups and bedtime routines when he can as well. Why? Cause that shit is hard and H feels it's easier for me.

I tell him it's easier for me because I've done it 1000 times and it's only going to get easier for him if he steps up and establishes his own routines with the kids.

I feel like this is the story of my life! He seems to think its just easier for me to do the dinner/bath/bedtime most of the time. I try to explain that the more he does it, the easier it gets. Its all about routine.

MrsT0514

Im sure most of it is probably me just reading into it too much. I think its hard for anyone to listen to their spouse vent about something that stresses them out, but not have a solution for it. Its frustrating.

He always does what he needs to do with DS, and is usually willing to help with bath/bedtime on nights we're both home. I think its more the fact that its just him here alone with DS and those nights im working, it stresses him out that I'm not here for him to fall back on for help if need be.

So yeah...all in all I agree with all of you that he does need to suck it up. I just wish he'd cut the shit with the pain Olympics and be a bit more understanding of how much work I put into not only my PT job, but also handling most of the daily childcare for our son and running our household.

aglenn

My DH has been a parent for nearly 5 years now and still complains all the time about the fact that it is impossible to get anything done while the kids are here and awake, how much attention they need, etc.  I have told him time and time again that this is the actual truth of the situation and the sooner he embraces it rather than resisting it the less frustrated he will be.  It seems like he just still expects that he can multi-task and do other things while watching the kids and, hello, that will be a giant fail 99% of the time.

In our case we both work FT, but I have the longer commute.  DH does pick up most of the time because we moved them to a center that is literally across the street from his office, but he still complains and asks me to do it last minute on the regular (I work in another city and it takes me almost an hour to get there).  It is a continual discussion in our house.  I wish I had the magic answer for how to make him get a clue, but I think you just have to keep working together on it.

MrsT0514

@crashintome1 Good point with the dinner suggestions.

This week I knew he'd be on his own 2 nights in a row, so even put together a casserole and wrote the cooking instructions on the foil. All he had to do was pop it in the oven. The second night he had leftovers. So I guess its just frustrating bc I feel like I'm doing whatever I can to help him out and he's still just finding a reason to bitch about how hard it is.

Then all I can think is "dude..really? I find a way to do it every other night. Handle your shit"!

ASmallWonder

Yeah I mean, he's not getting any sympathy from me.  That's my life 5 days a week.  I agree with the others who said that I'd kind of just ignore him until/unless he actually tells you he wants to quit.  Make him say the words and then have a LOT of words of your own ready to fly.

RayRay007

MrsT0514 said:

Sometimes i just feel like telling him to suck it up bc this is parenthood, but I'm sure this wont be of any help. Ugh. Anyone have any advice or experiences to share? If you got through this tl; dr I owe you a cocktail, for sure. Thanks :-)

Do this. 

ASmallWonder

CTGirl30 said:

That's my life 4 days a week - Mon through Fri I do all pick ups and drop offs and only on Fridays is my H there when we get home. Otherwise I'm on my own with both kids for dinners / baths & bedtimes. I also work FT. He works more than FT. But you know what? It's just doing what has to be done. He steps up on weekends when he is available. We used to fall into the pain Olympics, too, and compete with each other & I was getting resentful. One discussion yielded an interesting idea - when there's something to be done (a chore, a task, whatever) - just do it because it's the right thing to do.

Me and you, livin the life sistah! :-p  It never occurred to me to complain about doing it because it's what HAS to be done.  Wait, that's not true.  I've complained but it's more a "Gah I'm so tired!" and not at all about DH because what's he supposed to do about it?

MrsT0514

@CtGirl30 this is where we're at right now. Pain Olympics are seemingly a frequent occurrence in our household. We both get tired, stressed, cranky, have a plain old bad day, whatever the case may be...and it turns into a pissing match. Whose job is harder, who is more tired, who did bath/bedtime on what night, etc etc and I'm just over it.

Usually its just a snide comment from either side here or there and it rarely turns into an actual argument, but its just annoying. We're both parents, both our jobs are hard, we're both entitled to be tired and worn out..but either way things need to get done and we're on the same team. If only we could execute upon that thought process!!

In his defense, he definitely steps up on the weekends, especially bc I work Saturdays, and he usual doesnt complain about doing his fair share of the child rearing. Its just this during the week bullshit thats getting us all hung up.

ladyjenna13

This Husbands Schedule, Monday through Friday.

5:30am: wake up, shower, robe on, make breakfast for the boy while wife dresses him.
6:00am: eat breakfast with the boy, clean breakfast off the boy, watch the boy play for a little bit while wife finishes getting herself ready for work, finish getting myself dressed for work.
6:45am: get boys shoes and jacket on, leave to drop boy off at DC. At the office by 7:30-7:45am.
4:30pm: leave work, depending on where wife is at her job, I may pick the boy up as well.
5:30pm: dinner started. I always help with dinner, always help with the cleanup.
7:30pm: bathtime prep, bath, brush boys teeth bathroom cleanup.
8:00pm: boy goes down for bed, we ALL say goodnight together, as a family.

Next day, repeat.

Tell your husband to get over it, seriously.  From where I sit, he has it pretty sweet with his routine during the work week.  Whining about his having to pick his own child up from DC is really, really lame. 

MrsT0514

@ladyjenna13 I commend you on your involvement in the day to day craziness! Its tough..and I'm sure many families struggle with the daily "who does what" when it comes to shuffling the kids to and from school/DC while getting to work on time and such.

I do agree with you that he kind of needs to suck it up. Thanks for giving me a dad's perspective.

His main complaint (besides the general rushing out of work and fighting traffic to make sure he gets to DC on time before they close and charge us for a late pick up) is that he loses out on the potential OT...which dont get me wrong, its sucks, bc when he gets OT its damn good money. He's undoubtedly the breadwinner for our family...my job is literally just paying to put DS in PT daycare AKA give me the opportunity to get out of the house child free a few days a week and give DS some socialization with other kids.

His normal work hours (hes a construction foreman) are 7-5:30. Then he has to scramble to get DS by 6 which does suck having to rush out of.the city and beat traffic to avoid a late charge. Most of the time, he has to leave a ffew minutes early to get there on time. I obviously dont want to put him in a crappy position when it comes to his job, as his job pays pur bills, but in the same token, I feel like me working PT and DS going to DC a few days a week is good for us a family right now. Sometimes it feels like a tough judgement call though.

Sorry for the ramble, oops.

MrsT0514

@Holls2011 with that crazy schedule, I dont blame you!!!

ladyjenna13

I understand money, believe me.  I am constantly bitching about it to my wife.  It seems like there is never enough, and we have a very comfortable lifestyle.

At the same time, money is only half the story.  It is about being a team and parenting together.  Even more so when everyone is tired at night and work is looming in the morning.

For me, after a long day of work, picking up the boy from DC is something to look forward to, when I am called to do it.

ETA: And the socialization of DC for the kid is a great thing.  I see some of the things that my son does socially, and I know that he picked up on it at DC.  I was nervous about DC at first, but now I would not want it any other way.