Telling an unsupportive mother about home birth plans?

margaritachikita

We are planning a home birth for our baby due in June. This is my second, and for the first I had an unmedicated hospital birth with an uncomplicated and short (8 hours) labor. Since my daughter's birth, I have become very passionate about child birth and am now a birth doula. I have spent almost two years reading about, learning about, and attending births. I feel very confident and excited about my decision to have a home birth. My mom, on the other hand, is very into western medicine, and is a bit of a worrier and hypochondriac. She is uncomfortable with me having a midwife instead of OB, and has mentioned this multiple times. She has also said "well at least you will be at the hospital". I have not yet been able to tell her that we are planning a home birth. Her personal history is one of loss (and probably fear); she had multiple miscarriages and was never able to carry a baby to term; I am adopted. I think I will need to write her a letter so that I can address all my reasons for choosing a homebirth, including some relevant research. 

I guess I am just looking for any advice on telling a non-supportive family member about homebirth? Have you had a family member not support your birth choices? I know it is ultimately my decision, but I would love for my mom to feel at least somewhat comfortable with it, and at least understand where I am coming from. TIA!

sschwege

Wouldn't work in all cases, but is it possible to just not tell her?  And if after the fact she is upset just tell her you knew she would be worried and didn't want to worry her.  Again I know this wouldn't work in every situation.

Other ideas, maybe she could meet with the MW as well?  My MIL was totally against me seeing a CNM (hospital birth), but once she saw her in action she totally changed her tune.  Even went as far as to say my MWs were 'The best in the city and if she had it do all over she would have done as I did."  Part of fear can be the unknown.  In the letter acknowledge that she probably won't agree with your decision, but you do not want to hear her opinion.

Good luck, that's a tough one for sure!

margaritachikita

We are actually next door neighbors, and she will need to watch my daughter during the labor/delivery, so not telling her might not be an option in this case! If we lived in different area codes, maybe I like the idea about her meeting the midwife, then she could ask any questions/concerns she has and maybe feel better about it. 

sschwege

margaritachikita said:

We are actually next door neighbors, and she will need to watch my daughter during the labor/delivery, so not telling her might not be an option in this case! If we lived in different area codes, maybe I like the idea about her meeting the midwife, then she could ask any questions/concerns she has and maybe feel better about it. 

Definitely wouldn't work!

aylafsu88

I agree with having her come to some of your appointments and meet with the MW. It sounds like your mom has a lot of fear and trauma associated with birth in her past. I think that talking to the MW will possibly help her understand that a home birth can be a safe choice and  that there are procedures/protocols in place in case something does happen.

redrockmama

You could have been describing my mom, except she did eventually carry and birth me and my 2 sisters and used midwives (although in the hospital). I agree about having her meet the midwife. There are also the MANA studies you can show her. My dad was a little worried until I explained to him that transfers to the hospital very rarely happen because of an emergency and that most of the things he was worried about would risk me out of a home birth anyway. He had no idea they had guidelines for a low risk pregnancy and birth. 

alittlelibrary

I agree with PPs. My mother was very skeptical about our planned home birth (due early April), so I took her to meet with my midwives. She was able to ask a ton of questions and was much more comfortable afterwards. 

Chezpot

It's a tricky one because your poor mum obviously has issues relating to her own personal experience which is understandable however this is your experience and not hers.

However you say she is into western medicine etc so she surely understands/respects the science behind home births- if you do the research which I'm sure you have being such an advocate it's backed up statistically that it's just as safe/safer to birth at home so do you think you could reassure her with facts? And also what other ladies are saying take her to appointments so she can hear it from the midwives too. You never know, she might surprise you. Good luck