Stop at 2 or Go for 3?

mooke

My thoughts are consumed every single day with whether or not to have a third kid.  I really just want to make the decision and be able to move on and know if our family is complete.   I am 33 and have one 4 year old boy and one 2 year old girl.   My pregnancies haven't been easy.  I have miscarried a total of 4 times and had 2 D&Cs.  Also, I have to do Lovenox (shots) daily and have a c-section delivery (more and more risks).  On top of that, I had all day morning sickness with both my kids and it didn't really subside until around 20 weeks.  My kids are my world and I am too sad to get rid of all my baby things and think I will never go through that again but that might be the case no matter how many kids I had.  I work full time so having 2 right now is already a handful.  I just can't stop wondering what it would be like with 3 and I'm from a family of 3 and liked having 2 siblings.  I almost feel like I owe my 2 kids another sibling!  But then when I think of all the things I have to go through to get another, it really scares me. Everytime I find out a friend or someone I know is pregnant with their third or has their third, I get a feeling of jealousy.  Everytime I look at a picture of a family with 3 kids I think wow, what an accomplishment. I don't want to regret not having another later in life but I also don't want to risk my health and not be able to provide for the 2 kids I have. Help! What would you do??

mooke

I suppose you're right but I'd love to hear other peoples thoughts on this subject.  My husband is fine either way. He's happy with 2 but he's also willing for #3 if that's what I want.  I think it would be easier if he would sway me one way or another but he doesn't!

anitabanita

What about adoption?

normandyn7

I think this is a very personal decision. I have heard all types of things from people with 3 kids. Most of time they say that having 3 kids is very hectic and kind of threw off the balance they had with 2 kids. But that is their opinion. I know some people like big families. My husband and I decided to have 2 children. Once we have our second maybe after 3 or 4 years we would talk about having a third but it would depend on our lifestyle and what our life if like at that time. I would just talk with your husband about it and see what he thinks.

studentnurse2011

I am in the same boat as you. My husband is actually the one who threw out the "What about another one?" card when I thought we were done. Now that is all I think about. I am planning on having my IUD removed in April and then we will "not prevent" and see what happens. But...I have none of the health issues you have, which makes your situation more complicated. If you don't feel complete, maybe adoption would be good for you? On the other hand, I know someone with major health problems who is on baby number 8....she believes the Lord will take care of her, and so far he has. I don't know your faith, but praying has helped me come to terms with the plan for number 3...I feel like I hear a resounding "yes" every time I pray. So...if you are a praying woman, maybe spend some time asking what He wants!

kcisthebombdotcom

Obviously not a decision i can make for you but as an outsider looking in with limited info i would think having a healthy mom who can adequately provide for them trumps having another sibling. baby fever goes away with time.

SmileyJay

like other have said, the most important thing here is how your partner feels. If he is done at 2, then that is it. If he is open to more, then it is something you will have to discuss.

Would you be open to adoption? With all the risks associated with your pregnancies, if you are open to adoption it could be a beautiful blessing for your family and a child in need. 

I agree with others, that have a healthy mother and the ability to provide financially as well as having enough time after work to give them each the time they need is more important than having another sibling. If you are stretched thin now, I would consider being done with two. You have two, and they will have each other. When the kids move out you could plan to open your home to fostering children in need. 

I don't think having three kids is a bigger accomplishment than having one or two, or even none. It is all about doing the best you can for the children you have, or making the decision that having kids isn't right for you at all. I think you would be accomplished to raise two happy healthy children, rather than to have 3 and stretch your financial resources and spare time to the max. But this is something only you and your husband can decide  

Good luck with this very important decision! 

SmileyJay

Also - you can't project your own sibling relationships onto your children. Their relationships will be very unique. DH is a third child and does not feel very bonded to his two sisters, but they are very close to each other. I have only one sister and we have always had a strained relationship. You never know what it will be like as it depends more on the personalities of the children themselves. Don't have kids for your kids lol 

Pookieson

Darbie914 said:

KC_13 said:

Obviously not a decision i can make for you but as an outsider looking in with limited info i would think having a healthy mom who can adequately provide for them trumps having another sibling. baby fever goes away with time.

This is where I am, too.  For me, we only have DD and are planning to TTC # 2 this year.  Even though we agreed that 2 was our limit, the thought of having 3 has crept into my mind at times.  But then I think about our lifestyle and what we want to be able to provide for our family.  Having a 3rd would make that much more difficult and we would rather be able to have the opportunities with 2 than things be tight with 3.  

It is a personal decision for each family so only you and your H will know what you truly want.  As far as baby fever, I've accepted that it is something that I will always have, if I had 2 kids or 5.  Then I remember the sleepless nights, tantrums, daycare costs, college, etc. and remember why 2 is our max.  

Good luck!

This for me too

CafeRed

It does sort of sound like you're already answering your own question here, but I understand why you're asking others - it's a tough decision, and one that most people don't take lightly.  Whether or not to have another child is definitely a question that only you can answer.  But one thing I want to encourage you NOT to do is look at other people's lives and compare your life and family (including the number of children you have) to theirs.  I only have one child, and I almost drove myself crazy comparing my life to others.  It put me in a funk thinking that I could only have one child while other people were having 2, 3 and 4 children.  I had to stop comparing myself to them and concentrate on the one precious child that God blessed me with.

Best wishes to you as you and your husband make this decision for you family.  Blessings to you!

CafeRed

It does sort of sound like you're already answering your own question here, but I understand why you're asking others - it's a tough decision, and one that most people don't take lightly.  Whether or not to have another child is definitely a question that only you can answer.  But one thing I want to encourage you NOT to do is look at other people's lives and compare your life and family (including the number of children you have) to theirs.  I only have one child, and I almost drove myself crazy comparing my life to others.  It put me in a funk thinking that I could only have one child while other people were having 2, 3 and 4 children.  I had to stop comparing myself to them and concentrate on the one precious child that God blessed me with.

I wish you all the best as you and your husband make this decision for you family.  Blessings to you!

Sliptak

So, feel free to completely disregard anything I say here since I don't even have one child BUT DH and I were talking to an older family friend about our future hopes and dreams for our hypothetical family and as we were discussing numbers the man said (he has 4 kids now), "Just keep in mind that when you go from 2 kids to 3 you go from a man on man defense to zone defense. It makes a big difference not having a third set of hands." Obviously they lived through it and ended up adding a fourth years later. Just some words of a wise-man/food for thought. 

mooke

Thank you all for the kind words.  I know it's only a decision that me and my husband can make but it's very reassuring to hear some of the comments you've all made.   I'm 90% sure I'm done with 2 but I wish that thought of a 3rd would go away!!!  It's obvious that many of us experience that when going from 2 to 3.  Finances are not an issue as we are blessed enough to be able to afford another.  However, time is an issue since I work full time!   And I truly agree that baby fever may be something I always have because I love my little kiddos so much and babies are sooo cute!  I will continue to pray for the right answer and be confident in my choice to stay with 2 kids. 

Meery82

How long have you had these feelings? Make sure you aren't confusing baby fever with just feeling down that you children are now past the baby stage. Try imaging your future both ways: the way life is now, with your two children and then with a third. Which one do you really see happening? Which situation feels more "right"? Are you willing to go through another high risk pregnancy? Are you willing to chance going through another miscarriage? Make sure you are able to answer all these questions. I would keep mulling it over for now. You don't have to make an immediate decision. Good luck deciding.

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