Is jealousy wrong????

Jelly Bean 001

I definitely have babies on the brain now.  After finding out a friend is pregnant without really trying at all, i'm jealous (truely jealous). I'm happy for her, don't get me wrong. She already has 1 very beautiful 2 year old boy. He's my little buddy.  But I have had 3 miscarriages already.  I have to thouroghly try everytime.  It is driving the husband and me bonkers.  We desperately want a child of our own.  We have thought of adoption, but we want at least 1 child that is biologically ours.  Is it wrong to be jealous of our friend???

FemShep

You feel the way that you feel.  That said, your friend's fertility has absolutely no impact on yours.  Having kids is not a zero sum game.  

Fertility struggles are incredibly hard, and miscarriages can rip your heart out.  It's only natural that you would be stressed, grieving, and sad for your losses and your unrealized hopes.  But that doesn't mean you'll never have children.  Make sure you're getting great care from your OB, who should be aware of your losses.  Keep trying, and seek counseling if you think it would help.

And try to remember that your friend's child and pregnancies have no impact on yours.  Best of luck to you.

Helenahhandbasket

Your feelings aren't wrong, but just try to put it in perspective for a little bit.

We all have things that we have to work at in life that come easier to others-- be it relationships, friendships, work/ school, etc.  Sometimes having babies is one of those things.

The great thing about fertilitly and having babies is that someone's fertility has no bearing on yours-- there are not a finite number of babies to be had.

While you are TTC, make a list for yourself of all of the great things you have in your life right now-- a good husband, a great job, nice friends, nice hair-- whatever it is-- and constantly remind yourself of those things when you are feeling jealous or down.  GL to you.

divinemsbee

I was just listening to a radio program and they were discussing the difference between jealousy and envy. Jealousy is 'I want what you have.' It's a normal human emotion, and as long as you don't let it run/ruin your life, it's fine. Pretty much everyone has been jealous of something or someone at one time or another. I've also had three losses in the past year. It's rough. I'm definitely jealous sometimes. And I let myself feel it and then I try my best to move on. No matter how much you know intellectually that someone else's fertility doesn't affect yours, it still stings, and I think it's okay to feel that.

Envy is 'I want what you have, and I don't want you to have it anymore either.' That's the dangerous place. The if I can't have it no one can mentality. That's the place that I don't go, because it becomes vengeful taking or wishing.

I'm sometimes jealous of my friend. She has no debt, her parents paid for her schooling and bought her house for her when she got married and paid for her wedding. Her husband makes good money. She has three beautiful children and has absolutely no problem getting pregnant when she wants to. She's also just always been a charmed person and lives a charmed life. And she's an awesome friend. I know she and her husband want one more child, and when they decide to have one, especially if I'm not staying pregnant then, it's going to be rough as hell. But she's a great friend, so I know she gets it. And I look around at my life and realize that it is pretty great.

easilyunamused

It is a normal emotion as long as you don't let it effect your every day life, or your relationship with that person. Like other PPs said, her fertility does not have anything to do with you. Just stay focused on the positive things in your life. 

KatieFNP1984

I feel this way when my younger cousins are having children before me and my husbands younger sister has one already and thinking about another one. DH and I are planning for next January or February so our time is coming soon but it's still difficult when I have the fever so bad.

Twinkie0612

First I am very sorry for your losses.

I think it's normal to be jealous, especially when you are dealing with fertility issues. It's not fair that some women get pregnant easily while others struggle with infertility/miscarriages.

One of the things I have learned after a year and a half of fertility treatments is that jealousy is not a productive emotion.  Do I get jealous, of course!  Just yesterday I had one of my direct reports tell me that she is pregnant.  She is just a few weeks ahead of where I would have been if IVF #3 was successful. I won't lie, while I was happy for her, there was a moment of jealousy and a moment of sadness for me.  

I think the key is that you can't dwell on the jealousy.  You can't let it take over your life.  I have to work with this person everyday, so it would be a long 9 months if I let the jealousy rule my emotions.  I deal with the jealousy by recognizing it, allowing myself to feel it, and then making the conscious decision to move past it.  It's not always easy, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

SpartanChick88

I think Twinkie up there said just about everything I was going to about dwelling and moving past.  I had to go to a friend's baby shower two months after my own miscarriage.  Thank god my mom was there too because I lost it.  I didn't understand how she could happily walk around with her 'oops' baby while my much wanted pregnancy had ended. I also hated all the happy pregnant women in the doctor's office when I went for my follow-ups. After a while I let myself get past it and moved on.  It wasn't easy - I stressed, I pleaded with the universe, I cried every time AF showed up.   I admit that conceiving was easier for me than it is for a lot of people, but not as easy as for others.  We all have our own story, our own situation and no one person is facing the same battle.  You have to give yourself a break and remember that you are you and you can't compare yourself to others. 

Have you checked with your doc as to why this is happening?  Another friend of mine had several losses before she switched docs and her deviated uterus was discovered.  She now has two very healthy children.  Hugs to you. 

ccbraxton

I too am in this position currently and completely feel for you. DH's Bf and his wife were still unsure at New Years if they even wanted a 2nd child and now they are pregnant. They knew we were going to start trying and that we haven't been successful. When I first found out she was pregnant, I was really upset. We went to dinner and I didn't congratulate her and apparently made her upset. I feel like she should've been understanding of my situation but she is not that type of person. I distanced myself and finally felt okay to suck it up and go to dinner and at dinner I told her how I was feeling and whatnot, then not even an hour later she made me touch her 10 week "bump." 

I think you just need to focus on yourself and maybe distance yourself or just tell her what is going on and hope that she is respectful. Know that everything happens for a reason, and your time will come and will be amazing. 

usarmywifetso

I don't think it's wrong at all. If I were you, I would probably feel the same way. Be jealous, just don't let it effect your friendship. If you start treating her differently, then it becomes a problem. Everyone is different and no two people will have the same experience. My parents struggled for 8 years before getting pregnant but I was able to get pregnant right away. You are completely entitled to your feelings as long as you can manage them. And don't give up on your parenting dreams. GL!