DH is not getting the hang of this (long vent)
ballygirl
member
I don't usually do much DH bashing here because really he is pretty awesome, does a lot around the house, and tries really hard to help me with the girls, but he is just not getting the hang of caring for infants, particularly bedtime which is when I need him the most. He cannot read any of the babies' cues. If they cry for any reason at all, he thinks they are hungry - even if they've just had a huge bottle. When he feeds them, he holds them on the end of his knees, facing him with one hand around the back of the neck and sort of shoves the bottle in - they get really squirmy and fussy like that - probably because they are not sitting very securely, and then they make a huge mess and DH gets frustrated.
He can't seem to get the hang of holding a baby in a relaxing way. He either holds them so that they are sitting upright, facing outward, or on their backs, perpendicular to his body with their feet against his chest (sort of like he is holding a serving platter). This is fine when LOs are awake and happy but its not the most relaxing or comfy hold for them and LOs never relax or fall asleep like that. I've tried to show him how to cradle them or some other ways of holding them because I really need help getting them to sleep, but whenever he tries to do any kind of more cuddly hold, he tenses up and says its uncomfortable.
And he never thinks they are tired. As long as their eyes are open he thinks they are wide awake and want to be played with. This is problematic at bedtime because when I see they are getting tired I usually swaddle them and then rock or walk with them for awhile but I can only do one at a time, so I leave him in charge of the other one. Inevitably, I come down to find LO unswaddled and fussy, rubbing their eyes and obviously tired, on the couch with DH shoving toys in their face. Then he will tell me that LO must be hungry because she is fussing. Then he will try to feed her, which usually just makes her angry because he is so awkward at it and she is probably not hungry anyway.
In the MOTN he is even worse because he resents being woken up, so then we have all the above problems but with an attitude too, which pisses me off. I do all the night shifts. I only wake him if both babies are up at the same time or if I'm just getting really frustrated and am about to lose my shit. But usually he makes it worse because he's so awkward and the girls get overtired and I end up taking care of it anyway.
I've talked to him a lot about this and show him when I notice LOs giving their tired or hungry/not hungry cues so he can learn to identify them but it doesn't seem to sink in. I've tried and failed to help him find a comfortable way to hold and feed LOs. I don't want to be a nag, and he is getting a little oversensitive about it - he gets really defensive about it now when we talk about it. I feel like he wants to help, he just can't seem to get the hang of it and now he is frustrated and losing confidence, and is sort of giving up trying and just letting me do all of it. I'm hoping he'll get better as the girls get a little older. What do you think, is there any hope for him?
Anyone else have a slow learner in the baby department? How did you help them?
Re: DH is not getting the hang of this (long vent)
Not much. I do think this is part of the problem and I've been trying to get him to do more but i'm getting some resistance from him. He's never been alone with both of them. We usually spend the weekends up at my parents so I can get some sleep, so he doesn't really have to do much then. And during the week, he's at work for most of the day - by the time he gets home I'm getting them ready for bed. He's stayed home from work to help me during some of the recent snow storms but even then, as long as the babies are happy, he goes off and finds some other thing to do and only comes around when I need him. We've had a lot of mini-disasters with the house recently that really did need his attention, but sometimes I think he makes up chores for himself to avoid baby duty. We are staying home this weekend and I was thinking about taking one LO out shopping by myself and leaving him with the other one for a few hours.
Now having said that, I know it is easier for me having only one. I don't know how I would do it with two.
9/13/12 BFP 9/25/12 M/C at 6.5 weeks
***All AL'ers Welcome***
As the other ladies have said, positive reinforcement went a long way with my DH as well. He continues to gain confidence when I tell him he's doing something well etc. it sounds like a lot if hand holding but the pay off (a partner who is more comfortable providing care) is totally worth.
Sending you hugs... Creepy, creepy internet hugs!
Well, I'm at least this seems to be a common condition among husbands and he is probably not doomed to be forever awkward! I think he'll be great when they are little girls - he's a real softie and I know they will have him wrapped around their fingers. I think the inability to communicate is really frustrating for him. And also, he might just need to be thrown in the deep end with them once or twice. He won't do night shifts but I think I'll have to start leaving him with one of them at a time.
I can't imagine doing this with two, you deserve an award!
But a couple days/evenings alone with her really helped him. He also liked getting out of the house with her.
Now that we are on our third he still isn't great with the night stuff. For example he wanted to try and let me sleep but then thought he could just lay in bed 3 feet from me with DD and that would work.
I like the idea of him mirroring you or leaving him alone for a day with one (or both) and he will sink or swim. If he is on his own make sure it is not during a nap time. Let him really deal with play time and getting one to go down.
Good Luck.
Eleanor 9.30.13
My hubs is very good with certain things (playtime, taking her if I really need him to, carrying the carseat, getting the stroller out of the trunk, etc.), okay at some (diapering) and awful at others (bad at feeding and recognizing cues, too). I just realize that we each have our own strengths and weaknesses and try to focus on what he can do and hold him to that.
Also, all the nights with 2 times the work?! Heaven bless you.
Some good suggestions above.
One reason leaving him alone may help is because you won't be there to critique him. Mothers mean well, but a lot of fathers are intimidated by the idea of never being as good as "Mommy".
Similar to what others said - try giving praise only. As long as he's not causing harm, just hold your tongue and let him figure it out. When he does, lots of compliments. And rather than saying "do it this way", reframe it as "sometimes she likes it when I do this". Just keep in mind that different =/= wrong. What works for you may not work for him and vice versa. That's what makes you Mommy and him Daddy. Throughout their lives, your girls will have Mommy days and Daddy days. How nice that you have a combined arsenal of tools to help you.
Try a little more commiserating to reinforce that you two are on the same team. You really want to empower him for the long haul.
Good Luck.
With the fussing and bottle stuffing, I did two things. First, I made a list of ways to soothe DD without a bottle and hung it on the fridge. Second, I put baby on a ration (x number of bottles per x hours while I'm at work, and I only put 4.5 oz per bottle since that's all she should get per feeding) because he was feeding as much as 20 oz in the 8 hrs I was at work! This has been effective.
For holding her to feed her, he's good now. When she was in that delicate newborn stage, I had him use the Boppy. Then I'd lay baby on the boppy snuggled against him and hand him the bottle.
Yes! I hope I didn't sound like I assume everyone is going to always end up actually being equally as helpful. They just need to try. DH might not be able to soothe the baby and I end up having to do it sometimes. As long as he makes a reasonable effort, I feel like he's doing his part. He gets better and better at it and DD gets more and more used to being comforted by someone other than me.