WWYD/How would you feel?

MJC1116

When I first started my 2IF journey, a friend of mine (who was over 35 at the time) had just gotten pregnant. Prior to that, she suffered a m/c, so I thought she would be a good person to share my sadness with. I thought wrong. She did not want to hear it at all. Whenever I'd bring it up, she'd change the subject or give me the horrible "you are young; give it time" response. I stopped confiding in her.

Fast forward two years where I am now pregnant. She did not acknowledge my pregnancy for a long time (no congratulations or even  "how are you feeling?"), which I got over because I figured it wasn't important to her and it really doesn't need to be. She finally came around. Not too long ago, she tried to open up to me about her struggles with TTC #2, which I was a little put off by because she didn't want to be a friend to me when I needed her, and now she wants me to be available to her? But then I remembered how dark of a time that was for me and that if she needed to talk, I'd listen and offer her support as needed. Well you know what she said when I tried to relate? She said that at least for me I'm still young and they know what's wrong with me (literally word for word) where as for her, she's older, so it's harder to deal with the realization that it may not work for her anymore. 

I was flat out offended by this. I'm sorry, but infertility is infertility, regardless of age. Just because I'm under 30 now doesn't mean that I'm in any way RELIEVED by having a diagnosis (which is hysterical, by the way, because my diagnosis is *unexplained* which basically translates to: We don't know what's wrong with you, so you're screwed). So now I'm supposed to feel sorry for her because she's diagnosing herself with issues that may or may not be there? Plenty of women get pregnant at her age. She has neither seen a doctor nor been tested for anything.

I'm sorry, I know I sound like a complete bitch. Part of it is because this morning was horrible and I am really starting to feel sick of my job and resentful of the fact that I can't stay home with my kids. 

And for some reason, with this pregnancy, I don't cry. At. All. I just get pissed.

Thanks for reading... /vent over/

marnief

Gah.  What it really comes down to is that sometimes people are so blinded by their own thing that they can't see anyone or anything else clearly.  She doesn't want a friend to commiserate with her, she wants someone she can dump on who will just validate her feelings/self-diagnosis/etc.  So really, she needs a therapist more than a friend.  Hugs to you - and congrats to you on your pregnancy - and *I* am happy for you, even if she's not!

DoublePortion

I'm sorry, she sounds very selfish and like a one-upper. (Her *whatever the topic is* is always better/greater, even if it's troubles.) It may be worth an email to explain how she has offended you and wasn't there when you needed her. Try to repair the friendship and if she's not willing to admit that you have a right to your hurt feelings then the friendship might not be worth saving. I'm not saying you have to break all ties with her, but keeping her at an arm's length may be what's best for you. ((hugs))

liz4paws

This would have totally rubbed me the wrong way. One thing IF has taught me is to not judge another person's situation. It sounds like she's judging your situation and putting it a notch below yours because of her rationale. Have you thought about having a good heart to heart with her about how hard it's been for you and how comments like that are hurtful? I doubt she means to be hurtful, but it might make sense to her if you can connect the dots that even she is capable of inflicting pain when she's in pain herself.

FloridaSun82

This is so hard... On the one hand, you want to be a good person and be someone she can confide in because we all know how much IF sucks. On the other hand, if everything you say is going to just be met with her discounting your struggle, then this does not really sound like someone I would want to be friends with.

It does remind me of this great quote by Ash Beckham though: There is no harder. There is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else’s hard to feel better or worse about our situations and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard.

I will admit that this is a quote that I reflect on a lot because I have found myself with thoughts similar to your friend. However, I would never vocalize them to anyone other than my husband, so I guess I'm not THAT bad...

Peanutz21

hmmm this is a tough one.

IF stinks for everyone no matter how you spin it

i think it would be important for you to evaluate how much you value her friendship - if you truly think in your heart she is a GOOD friend and want to keep the friendship then i would suggest casually mentioning how she hurt your feelings and talking things through

if however she's not that great of a friend anymore then it's not worth it to say anything. it would be like talking to a brick wall.  i would just let it go.

and fwif i'm happy for you!

MJC1116

@floridasun82, that's a great quote! I may have to share it with her.

Thanks, girls. I was so irritated with her because of all the downplaying of what I went through. She just started trying. I went through 2 years of uncertainty. I'm sure it's not an easy situation for her but I was willing to offer support. I think I'm just going to proceed with caution. I've been burned before so I'm not sure I'm ready to go out of my way to salvage the friendship.

FutureMrsW9

I'm sorry, just reading that made me frustrated!  I kinda agree with @DoublePortion that as silly as it is in this situation, she does sound like a one-upper kind of person.  I have a friend like this and she will try to one up you on any and everything, good or bad doesn't matter, she just has to win and have the better or worse situation.  And I agree with you that infertility is infertility regardless of age.  We all know it gets that much harder when you're over a certain age, but depending on your DX it might not even make a difference!  I was 20 when I found out I had PCOS and a doctor told me I would probably have trouble having children - think about how that sentence must feel to a 20-year old!!!  I was just a kid.  I'm not going to say one situation is worse than the other, but everyone situations are different.  It sounds to me like she's selfish and only wants to talk when it's convenient for her.  I would try to keep her at arms length if I were you.  Good luck dealing with this yucky situation!