"everything happens for a reason"

mmsweeney1

* ticker warning *

Does this phrase help you or hurt you???

I think I go back and forth. Sometimes I wonder if our son died to spare me from something I couldn't handle. Then I look at his picture and he looks so perfect... it feels totally unfair to think of him that way. 

And when someone else tries to tell me everything happens for a reason, it feels like they are brushing off everything we went through. Like, just get over it because "it's for a reason." (You mean there is a reason we went through this terrible time in our marriage? There's a reason our parents don't have a living grandchild yet? There is a reason we have to be scared throughout a new pregnancy? Tell me all about it.)

I know I'm not putting my feelings into words very well right now, but I was wondering how other people feel when you hear this phrase.

sunflwra

Most of the time, this comment just makes me angry. My mom said it initially from the perspective that the loss probably meant something was wrong with the baby.  Well turns out that wasn't really the case and it was a fluke accident. I'd like to know what reason there is for that to ever happen to anyone, much less an innocent child.  Thankfully, I haven't heard it much since.

cdale86

***Ticker***

I don't believe that everything happens for a reason.  It bothers me a bit when people say this, but I think a lot of people don't think it through.  It's just a phrase to say.  I believe that God can use horrible circumstances to create good.  But no.  Some things just happen, no reason.  We live in a fallen world and horrible things happen.  God did not take my son from me.  He did not kill him.  He cried with me and welcomed him into Heaven.

VyD81

I don't believe everything happens for a reason. There are so many injustices in the world and there are no reasons why? I think this is a total cop out for someone to say without trying to understand the grief of losing a child.  It's hurtful to say to a bereaved parent. 

This phrase makes me want to ask back to the person saying it, "tell me the reasons why my baby died?" Unfortunately, things happen and I've accepted that. However, hearing this phrase doesn't help me cope or make the loss less painful. Top it of, if I know the reason, I would do everything in my power to stop it so I can have my son back. 

I'm more aware of what I say to people in certain situations to avoid saying hurtful comments. A simple "I'm sorry" goes a long way. 

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY***



I'm probably in the minority - I'm OK with that phrase, probably because I believe it. While it sucks that Devon isn't here anymore, I do believe that things do happen for a reason. May not make sense now, but it will eventually...that's how I think. I'm not even a super religious person, but I think I just have to believe that God needed Devon for some other purpose. If I don't believe that, I'll fall back into that deep, black hole I was in when I first lost him. For me, I find comfort in thinking that.

Again, I know I'm probably in the minority. I get why most people in our shoes would hate that phrase, though. The phrase that got me the most was "You can have another, right?" I almost ripped a lady a new one when she told me that.

stefuge

I am also in the minority - I believe God has a plan and that He knew the days of Colton's life before one of them came to be. I know I may never know the reason, but I have to believe that something good will come out of this.

I cannot stand when people tell me they know how I feel. They had a miscarriage at 6 weeks or they lost their brother or something and they know exactly how I feel. No one knows exactly how I feel, no one has been in the exact same circumstances and by saying that they make my loss
Insignificant and make the focus all about them. Drives me crazy and that comment has ruined, potentially permanently, a couple friendships.

veetveet

There is no reason my baby had a defective heart. There is no reason I got a late diagnosis. There is no reason I was faced with the choices we were given. There is no logical reason why my son was so sick that stopping his heart was the only option for a peaceful life. There will never be a good enough reason why I pushed out a dead baby.

There is no reason for any of this.

The other one that pisses me off is "God only gives you what you can handle" - thanks for the sick and dead baby- glad you think I can handle it. I don't believe, I haven't for a long time.... but this particular statement makes me so mad especially since babies are "God's creations" ... ugh. Not my intention to offend anyone who has faith- whatever gets you thru the day and helps you see things clearer.

veetveet

OSUWifey09 said:

***SIGGY***



The phrase that got me the most was "You can have another, right?" I almost ripped a lady a new one when she told me that.

When I was still pregnant and a few people knew I got that question. Honestly- can I get thru this first??!! And seriously it's no one's business. So rude and inconsiderate.

mingaling2

I hate it, too. 

lrichmond86

It was probably the worst thing anyone said to us after baby gary died. There was no reason for us to lose him. He was beautiful and perfect. MY body failed. MY body didn't keep him healthy and safe the way it was supposed to. There's not a reason. Sometimes terrible things just happen. It sucks but it's true. I wish people who didn't know what to say at least knew enough to not say anything.

neptunebljc

OSUWifey09stefuge said there is some bigger plan that I don't know about.

But then part of me disagrees. There isn't really a reasons.  Horrible things happen all the time. Good people die and bad people live into old age. There isn't a reason for that. It is just what happens. It is just life.  It sucks, and it is sad and it makes me angry. But it happens. Its one of those blameless situations. There is no one who is every going to justify why I had to lose my Bean and two other pregnancies. There is no one who is every going to justify why I had to watch my Bean gasp for life.

I go to Church every Sunday and I pray for peace and I pray for my Bean and I pray that things will be ok, but I know that God is never going to tell me why I had to go down this path. Because that is life. There is no reason, it is what it is.

ikrystal

mmsweeney1

Thanks for your responses. I'm glad to know so many of you also have negative or conflicting  feelings from hearing this. As always, it helps to know I'm not alone!

@aragosta - I 100% agree with you. Even if there's anything good to come out of this, it would be better with him here.

@OSUWifey09 - I know what you mean about needing to cling to a reason just to get through this. It can be comforting to think that maybe there is more going on than we know/understand.

@stefuge -  I also get upset when someone tries to tell me that a very early miscarriage is the same as what happened to us. I was nowhere near as attached to the baby or the changes I expected from life at 6  weeks as at 39 weeks. I was a week away from having a baby, and I have a full dresser/closet and empty crib in the nursery to prove it.

ikrystal

Not sure why this didn't post with the picture, but I wanted to say - I get extremely angry and hurt when people say that my boys died for a reason.  Most often, people tell me its so my future babies could be born.  I would hate to think that - if I really believed that, I'm not sure if I could ever look at that baby.  There is no reason for this. There is no reason for a baby or babies to die. Not a good one, anyway. Not any reason that will bring peace. 

MCH77

mmsweeney1 said:

Thanks for your responses. I'm glad to know so many of you also have negative or conflicting  feelings from hearing this. As always, it helps to know I'm not alone!

@aragosta - I 100% agree with you. Even if there's anything good to come out of this, it would be better with him here.

@OSUWifey09 - I know what you mean about needing to cling to a reason just to get through this. It can be comforting to think that maybe there is more going on than we know/understand.

@stefuge -  I also get upset when someone tries to tell me that a very early miscarriage is the same as what happened to us. I was nowhere near as attached to the baby or the changes I expected from life at 6  weeks as at 39 weeks. I was a week away from having a baby, and I have a full dresser/closet and empty crib in the nursery to prove it.

I've had a missed m/c (13w), than a cp and lost my son at 24w. None of these are the same. I can't imagine the pain you ladies have with later losses.

I had a few people compare it to their losses at 6w. No not the same.

I do feel come comfort with "everything happens for a reason." I lost my son to a virus called CMV. If he had been just healthy enough to survive there is a strong chance he would have had severe disabilities. I'm not sure how the quality of his life would have been. I'd hate to see him suffer. I find comfort in the thought he was always warm, safe and loved. This thought process may change, but for now it gets me through the day.

Mrodriguez898

I totally understand how you feel and exactly what you mean. I keep hearing that phrase and so stones feel so angry angry because if everything happens for a reason then why does it happen to is, who want our child to be alive, and not to the ones who end up in the news for abuse or killing heir own (sounds gruesome I know)
But you know what, at this point I think about it this way. Our babies were too perfect for this cold cruel world and they truly are better off not knowing the horrors of it

veetveet

ikrystal said:

Thank you for this- this is the first time I have laughed in days. 

sunflwra

I've had a missed m/c (13w), than a cp and lost my son at 24w. None of these are the same. I can't imagine the pain you ladies have with later losses.

This... as terrible as our loss was at 20 weeks, my husband and I are very thankful that it wasn't later in our pregnancy or the loss of a living child- I just don't know how we would have gotten through that. I hate to minimize anyone's pain and I know we are all mothers the second we find out that our baby exists, but I personally feel that the longer you spend with your child (in the womb or out), the more devastating the loss.

Regarding the phrase- we aren't super religous but we did have a chaplain come speak with us in the hospital and we had the baby baptized. During our conversations, he did ask how we felt about blame- towards ourselves, each other, God, etc. I told him that I know everyone believes what works for them but I just can't see how God would do this to a child- not that he did this to me, but he allowed this to happen to an innocent child. That's where I struggle. Thankfully, the chaplain (who I'm sure has heard this before) just let me vent and didn't try to convince me otherwise.

Maybe Joleisa

That phrase might ring true for offers on houses that fall through or jobs you apply for and do not get, but not for losing babies...I just can't believe that.

SchoolPsychSteph

I had never lost someone close to me. I never knew what to say when someone died. A loved one of a friend or coworker. I always said, "there are no words," and gave them a hug. I feel better now about having few words to say because it is very true.

I've always believed everything happens for a reason. Then this happened and I don't believe that anymore. It's been a challenging week at work. I provide counseling to students and this week one of my closest student's mom died. Part of me wonders if I had to experience a loss myself before I could help my student. Although I didn't know my baby well, I loved her very much and she was a part of me. I now know what it's like to lose a loved one. I don't know, I'm still struggling.

I absolutely hate when people tell me how I feel or what I should be doing. I wish people would just shut up and listen. I do feel I've learned to listen to others.

angelsnight

Ticker warning

This response makes me want to punch people in the face.  I am not sure it would make a difference if my situation were different, but we lost our daughter simply because my body couldn't hold her in.  There was nothing wrong with her, she wasn't spared from some horrible sickness or deformity.  She simply was too little to live in this world when my body couldn't protect her anymore.  So for me, there is NO reason for this.

But even if there were a reason, like say she did have some illness that would have made her suffer.  Of course I would not have wanted my daughter to suffer in any way, but NO reason ever would make me say "Oh, that's the reason?  Well then I am glad we lost her when we did".  Nope, that will NEVER happen.  I also agree that it's a very "sweep your emotions under the rug" kinda response.  To me it feels very dismissive, like the person saying it does not care whatsoever, and is just giving some random response that they think makes them sound like a caring person.

BrandyD06

I despise that phrase! My daughter passed July 22 2009 two weeks after her birth and I just found out last night My baby that I am 18 weeks along with has not heartbeat. It died at 14 weeks, I was supposed to see the gender on tuesday....I know people who say that mean well but it just hurts me more and makes me angry.

Xath

***siggy warning***rainbow mentioned***

I feel like a hypocrite when it comes to this phrase.  It really ticks me off when other people say it to me, and yet sometimes I try to reflect back on the gifts that she gave us with her loss.  

• I went into PTL at 31 weeks and managed it with Procardia until 35 weeks 6 days when the labor became unmanageable and nothing would slow the contractions.  As the OB was opening me on the operating table, my uterus ruptured.   If I hadn't already been prepped and opened, we both may have died right there.  By coming when she did, she not only saved my life, but they were able to save my uterus and I am able to have more children.
• When Ellie was crashing in the NICU and I couldn't reach my husband, I called my parents.  When she died, and I called them to tell them what had happened, my dad had a heart attack, triggered by the stress.  It was minor, and he was treated and released within a few days, but the cardiologist said that the attack made them aware of a much larger issue with my dad's heart that would have probably gone unnoticed without this event, which left untreated would have led to a much more severe/fatal attack later on.  So her loss saved his life too.
• When I was pregnant with Ellie, my H and I talked about taking a slightly longer break between her birth and trying for our 3rd child.  After she died, I had a dream where I saw her and she showed me a baby boy named Sam who I wouldn't have had if she were still here with me.  A few months later, I found out I was pregnant with a little boy, and we'll be naming him Sam.  I know we may have eventually had other children if Ellie were still here with us, but I also know it wouldn't be this exact baby who we're awaiting now.  So while Sam is in no way a replacement for Eleanor, her death gave us an opportunity to meet him and love him. 

So the phrase "everything happens for a reason" still pisses me off, because I still don't know that there is ever a good reason for an innocent baby to die.  Even with all of the blessings we were given from her loss, I still find myself wishing that I could have everything; everything we have and know now, but still have her with us.  But I'm also learning to accept that that's not possible, so I try to reflect on the gifts I have been given, and be grateful for the time I was allowed to have with her.  

BrandyD06

@stefuge -  I also get upset when someone tries to tell me that a very early miscarriage is the same as what happened to us. I was nowhere near as attached to the baby or the changes I expected from life at 6  weeks as at 39 weeks. I was a week away from having a baby, and I have a full dresser/closet and empty crib in the nursery to prove it.

I do agree with this. I have suffered not only a very early miscarriage (7 weeks) but my daughter passed away after two weeks of life. As painful as losing the baby through miscarriage was, holding my daughter as she took her last breath was worse and I still haven't recovered from it and it's been four years.
Now I have this new loss and what gets me is people who say they have been in our shoes say it too. My boss said she had the same thing happen to her and yet she doesn't seem to realize saying "it's part of Gods plan" hurts in a way I can't even begin to describe and makes me want to scream because I just don't believe that.

bunnybun4

I struggled with this for a long time after Bunny died.  I saw a TON of personal growth after her death but it PAINED me to verbalize that because I felt like I was saying that she had to die to make me a better person.  After months of therapy the words came out of my mouth, "Her LIFE had purpose and reason...not her death but her life".  I will never know why she died and I don't necessarily think that God let her die for any sort of a reason...but he created her for a reason, and I can't know all of those right now and may never know them...but she is important and she is perfect and she brought a lot of purpose to my life. Her life was what had a reason.

jess123456

marylaurena said:

"Her LIFE had purpose and reason not her death but her life".


Love this! It is very true.

This is something that I struggle with too. We have had five losses and it really bothers me when people say that things happen for a reason because I always equate that to meaning that all my babies died for a reason. However, I know that it was their lives that had purpose and reason even if it wasn't for as long as I had hoped.

kz's_girlygirl

Yeah...f that.  I don't believe anything happens for a 'reason' anymore.  It is incredibly frustrating when people say this to me.  I don't really even think they understand what they are doing- it is more of a way to change the subject IMO.

Oh, you lost a child?  Well, everything happens for a reason (God had bigger plans, Something good will come out of it, There's a lesson in every heartbreak, {insert dismissive phrase here}).  What are you guys doing this weekend?

Bayberry12

I hate hearing this.  There was literally no reason why my daughter died, none.  And, I don't believe that God wanted my daughter dead.  So, it really hurts when people say that, but I do understand it is more about them making themselves feel better.  

I had one friend say that maybe it happened so that my husband and I could be brought closer together.  That really stung.  I would have giving up my life, let alone my marriage, to save my child.  

dadalou

I believe that God doesn't make bad things happen to us, but he can work through the bad things so that good comes out of the situation. I have seen this so many times in others. 

My son was perfect. He was coming home with us right up until I had to have a c section and he had lost his heartbeat. It has been lass than 2 weeks and I can already see so much good coming out of the situation. There have been so many other people's lives that have been touched because they met us and that we would have not met otherwise.

CRUN2012

OSUWifey09 said:

***SIGGY***



I'm probably in the minority - I'm OK with that phrase, probably because I believe it. While it sucks that Devon isn't here anymore, I do believe that things do happen for a reason. May not make sense now, but it will eventually...that's how I think. I'm not even a super religious person, but I think I just have to believe that God needed Devon for some other purpose. If I don't believe that, I'll fall back into that deep, black hole I was in when I first lost him. For me, I find comfort in thinking that.

Again, I know I'm probably in the minority. I get why most people in our shoes would hate that phrase, though. The phrase that got me the most was "You can have another, right?" I almost ripped a lady a new one when she told me that.

I feel this way as well. For me it is much more comforting to think that i had to endure such an awful thing for some purpose...even though I may never know why or that the purpose may never be clear. I also understand the going back and forth piece because it doesn't always comfort me..but for thr majority of the time I've found that it does help at least somewhat. I dont think its acceptable for other people to say it though because I agree with pp that it minimizes your experience.

milb11

When I lost my son Elijah, the hospital gave me a prayer blanket. It was donated by a local ministry (Covered in Love) of women who had also suffered losses. They do a monthly support group that I attended just recently. One of the ladies shared a story of how her pastor's wife explained to her that God didn't take her baby to teach her some life lesson. That in fact, He weeps with us as we mourn. 

For me, this offered some comfort especially in the context of this statement. I don't look at his death as some punishment as a means to learn a lesson but as a catalyst for change. I can't change the fact that Elijah is gone, but I do believe that good things will come from his loss, even if it is only that I am more aware and compassionate to pregnancy loss.