Adoption
Visiting with Birthmom post placement
Hi there!
We recently welcomed our little one home two months ago!! What an exciting whirlwind 
We are excited to have an open adoption and have a great relationship with birthmom. However, she doesn't have transportation -- my questions is this: those of you with open adoptions, does your BM come visit you OR do you drive baby to visit with birthfamily? Our BM is about 100 miles away. We would love to meet half way or have her come visit us rather than us loading up baby and driving there. Am I being selfish? Should I be driving baby to see her?
We are excited to have an open adoption and have a great relationship with birthmom. However, she doesn't have transportation -- my questions is this: those of you with open adoptions, does your BM come visit you OR do you drive baby to visit with birthfamily? Our BM is about 100 miles away. We would love to meet half way or have her come visit us rather than us loading up baby and driving there. Am I being selfish? Should I be driving baby to see her?What do you guys do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Visiting with Birthmom post placement
1. She was pumping milk for us and it was summer time- it made more sense for us to go to her rather than have her lug stuff to us (on public transportation we are a good 2-2.5 hours away from her).
2. She had post-partum healing issues- meaning- she had overdone it a few times resulting in some major problems- so making the hike out to our place was not good for her.
3. We simply have a car and she doesn't.
We've also taken the 4 hour trip to visit our son's birth grandparents twice since birth.
The last three visits with his mom (one in December and two in Jan) visits we had, she managed to come to our place- once on public transportation and once when a bf had a car available, and once when her sister was in town and thus had a car.
While I wouldn't say you are being selfish, and you always have to do what's best for your family- if you did make a commitment to visits with your kids mom, then you should do the best you can to make those happen. If they can't happen as often as you would all like because of the distance, that's ok--- but I'd make a few suggestions:
1. Go to her town- and visit there.
2. Meet half way-- see if you can make suggestions about how that transport would be feasible for her--- maybe that's offering to pay for a bus ticket etc...
Our Post-adoption contact agreement- which is legally enforceable in our state says that visits are at the request of the birth mom and that both parties are expected to pay for themselves including transportation and that both parties need to make a good faith effort to arrange visits.
For me, a good faith effort would mean driving to the birth mom's town- not all the time, but certainly once in a while. Because at the end of the day, you'd likely not be a mom without her, and you want to do what is right for your kid - - - and if the only way they are going to get to see their birth mom is if you go to her, then you might consider doing it- because someday that kid is going to grow up and have lots of questions- and the more things that you do to ensure that there is continuity and a sense of peace in the relationship with the birth mom and your own family, the better it all may be in the long run.
When we were considering matches though, we made the assumption that we would take on the bulk of responsibilities for visits (ie come to them or pay for them to come to us if that made more sense), as long as both parties remained in their same locations. If either party moved we expected that the moving party would be responsible for getting back to the original location. So if we moved from Portland to NYC, we would pay to get back to Portland for visits, but if they did, they'd pay to get back here. We actually turned down having our profile shown to someone who lived about a 5 hr drive from us because she wanted more visits than we felt we could logistically do with an infant or toddler over that distance.
I agree that it's not particularly helpful to think about whether or not you are being "selfish"...rather what's going to be best, in the long run, for your kid. Would cost or logistics be prohibitive for her to come to you, meaning less visits/connection? Would they be burdensome enough that she might grow resentful, like she'd make the trip because she really wants to see the kid but would feel resentful and put out, ultimately undermining your relationship? If so could you mitigate some or all of that by paying for the travel? Or taking turns? Or maybe she would actually prefer to come to you. We started visits at our house because it was more mellow - all our gear is here, food is here, crib etc so visits ended up being longer and more relaxed, and it worked better for everyone.
Like i said, It is difficult to say what is the best route to go without knowing the circumstances in which the child was placed for adoption. A few examples of why: the birth mom may have a serious drug habit or mental illness that is not controlled, or maybe the birth mom may not actually want a relationship with the child but is too embarrassed to say so she pretends to want to visit. I have seen birth parents fade out when they are not in a healthy place or just don't want to see the child. Not sure visits under these circumstances would be healthy or safe to the baby. Remember there are many unique situations and no one size fits all answer to this type of thing.
Like i said, It is difficult to say what is the best route to go without knowing the circumstances in which the child was placed for adoption. A few examples of why: the birth mom may have a serious drug habit or mental illness that is not controlled, or maybe the birth mom may not actually want a relationship with the child but is too embarrassed to say so she pretends to want to visit. I have seen birth parents fade out when they are not in a healthy place or just don't want to see the child. Not sure visits under these circumstances would be healthy or safe to the baby. Remember there are many unique situations and no one size fits all answer to this type of thing.
I'm sorry, I still don't see how any if those situations would benefit from requiring or requesting the birth mom be responsible for the arrangement for a visit. Uncontrolled mental health issues or addictions do not necessarily preclude functional visits. And if a birthmom just had no desire for a relationship (which I suspect isn't that common esp in an adoption that was entered into as an open adoption), then she just doesn't follow through with the plans...it's not like the adoptive parents are going to show up on her doorstep. Even in a case where she might not be in a place to handle a visit, I'd still want to offer so she knows she's welcome.
If a birth parent is truly a danger, then you do what you need to do, but I think the ethical thing is to make changes and be direct. Putting the burden on them to visit seems kinda of like a passive aggressive way of not actively saying no to a visit but hoping they won't follow through.
I am not saying the scenarios you posit don't happen (though I think they are definitely the minority in a consentual domestic infant adoption), I just disagree that the approach you recommend is the best option.
We don't really have much in the way of a blueprint for what these relationships look like, since open adoption is fairly new and since everyone has a different combination of comfort levels, desire for closeness and logistical barriers. Glad you feel clearer on what will work for you!
I'm glad you came to a decision that you think will be beneficial to everyone. We didn't meet DD or her birthmom until after she was born, so we kind of flew by the seat of our pants as far as visits went for the first year or so. Now it's much more settled. Hopefully as time goes on you'll settle into a routine. And both of your lives will likely change, in ways that will probably affect the dynamics of your relationship.
GL and I hope you have a great visit!
We didn't make any plans for visits with our DS's BM until after placement. We've done two visits in our home but want the next one to be at a mutual meeting spot. Our LO's BM tends to invite people along without telling us who all's coming, so it makes it a little uncomfortable for us now to open our house up not knowing if it's going to be just her, or her + 5 of her family members. It makes us really happy though that everyone is willing to keep trying to figure it out and wants to be a part of LO's life.
1/13 Decided to pursue DIA, 4/13 Home study Approved 9/13 Matched!
10/13 DS home with us! 2/14 TPR completed 5/14 ADOPTION IS FINAL!
3/14 Surprise BFP 11/14 DD is here!
Last year, we had a visit about every 1 1/2 to 2 months. So far this year B-Mom hasn't been reaching out as much so I'd say just be prepared, any plans you make early about visits may change. According to our agency this is very normal.