What can I do to boost my husbands self confidence?

Shelovesaginger

My husband is 6'1 and when he and I first met, he was in really good shape. (Then again, so was I) He has gained a considerable amount of weight since we moved in together 2 years ago. I love my husband more than anything and I would love him no matter what he weighed, but his self confidence and the way he thinks of himself now is concerning to me. Every day he looks at himself and says "I look like I'm 6 months pregnant" or "I think I'm about a C cup now." He tells me that he wants to go to the gym and eat better but he is the one that ate doughnuts for breakfast this morning, and always has to go up for thirds and fourths at dinner. I want to help him, my problem is that I don't know how to address it because I don't ever want to come off as judgmental. Should I sit him down and have a talk about it or should I leave the subject alone? I just want him to be happy and confident.

divinemsbee

Yeah, I live in this world. It's really tricky and tough. My H is also in denial about the length of time it took him to put on the weight (he maintains, hand to God, that the start of it was 3 Thanksgivings ago he allegedly put on 30 lbs in one weekend, riiiiight, when he had been putting on weight gradually over the entire year before that). Adding to that I have my own issues with weight/food policing, which means it's really hard for me to police him without reverting to some old and bad habits.

First of all, we really try to keep most of what's in the house as healthy food that actually needs to be prepared instead of pre-prepped/packaged stuff that's easy to mindlessly eat. It's still hard when we go out, because he'll over order and eat it all, which means we eat out a lot less to avoid that. I don't even think he's totally conscious of doing it, so we just cut it back as much as we can, or I do the ordering.

I also cook just enough for a serving and a half each for dinner. It takes some work with recipes, but it's worth it.

The self-confidence thing is tricky. I finally sat him down a while ago and told him that when he talks shit about himself, he's talking shit about the person I love most in the world. That's how it makes me feel. And that I love him no matter what and will absolutely support him, but talking bad about himself isn't constructive. 

Getting out of it takes time, but H has taken off 30lbs in the past three months and is at a point where he feels better and he doesn't want to slide down again. He did yoyo a bit when he first started working out because he always felt like he needed a treat for doing things. It's hard. I'd just talk to him and see where he is with this. I would not start nagging, like asking him if he really needs seconds because that kind of food control can backfire and lead to secretive eating.

Shelovesaginger

Thank you so much! Both responses were very helpful

foreverapartofme

My DH and I decided to do it together, which made everything easier!  We would go to the gym and be active together (hike, walk the dog multiple times a day, etc.).  Also, I would do all the meal prep and make a big thing of vegetable soup and chopped veggies for snacks.  For actually cooking dinner, I would make a serving size for you and a serving size and half for your DH.  It worked for us! 

Just reassure your DH that you love him no matter what. 

Shelovesaginger

Thank you

anitabanita

Wait, do you want him to be happier at the size he is? Or do you want him to be healthier and, as a result, happier?

anitabanita

I have the opposite situation where my boyfriend gets really skinny if he isn't careful. I just straight up tell him he is getting skinny and make sure he eats more caloric food the next week, the more you do this the sooner you'll get past the point of hurting each others feelings and realise the point is you don't love them any less, you just want them to be healthier. The other day I told him we weren't going to drink coffee anymore because his eczema was acting up and even though he loooves his coffee, he feels a lot better now that his eyeballs aren't about to fall out of his head.