Am I Being Too Hard on DS (unfinished school work)?

ReeB83

I enrolled my (then) 3yo DS in kindergarten early at the school where I work because sadly enough, Catholic School is cheaper than day care. I couldn't afford it and every babysitter I found him was just not good enough (not ever DH did the job right when he got laid off--wearing PJs all day and munching on Cheetos is NOT quality care). This is considered an "exposure year" and he'll do it all again next year. I teach first grade, and I find the early enrollees come out really benefiting from the extra year.

I get daily updates from his teacher about his progress. She said he behaves well and participates, sometimes better than the 5 year olds in his class. At home, he does a great job on his homework. She did say that sometimes he didn't finish his work and for that I made him very sorry--no TV, no video games. But then I got his classwork. This isn't just a couple unfinished pages; there are whole sections of his reading pages where he didn't trace any letters or just scribbled on the pictures. His grade even dropped.

This may make me sound like a WITCH but I am mad. I KNOW he can do this. He does it at home perfectly. He says "No, Mommy, don't help me!" But in class he's just sitting there apparently. According to his teacher, he is well mannered and well behaved so it's not like he's hanging from the rafters. I even sneak in and see him sitting quietly, supposedly doing his work. The teacher and DH keep telling me not to worry; he'll do it all again next year. But I don't like the idea of my kid not even making an effort in class. 

Am I being too hard on my DS, considering that just a couple months ago, he was peeing his pants and couldn't hold a pencil? 

funchicken

So he started at three and he's a young four now? Yes, I do think you're being too hard on him. The idea of homework and grades for a preschool-aged kid is completely depressing to me.

ReeB83

cmeon_the_water said:

Yes, you are being too hard on him. He's a young 4? Grades- homework- sitting quietly filling out packets of work- that sucks. Not developmentally appropriate at all.

Don't get me wrong, that's not all he does. The reading program consists of puppets and songs and instruments and all that good stuff. His work is actually modified along with the other young 4s (there are about 4), so there's less of it. He's just kinda not doing it. I just put one of his unfinished assignments in front of him and he not only finished it in 5 minutes, he read the whole page to me. I just don't get why he won't do it in class.

74dragonfly

You have too high of expectations. He is behaving in class which is great. Id let the homework go. If you make it a battle it will impact how he views school later. He is four.

SportyChic24

I think you are being too hard on him. It's his first year, have you asked him why he didn't finish it? Honestly I would not think much of it, and you did say it's an "exposure year" and he will do it again next year.

ss+el

mrszee2b said:

So he started at three and he's a young four now? Yes, I do think you're being too hard on him. The idea of homework and grades for a preschool-aged kid is completely depressing to me.

Ditto. My DS (now a young 5) goes to PreK, and my expectations of him are that he 1) listens and 2) behaves. Period.

I don't actually expect that to change next year in K. I can't even imagine that he'll have homework then either.

ReeB83

fredalina said:

You seem to be asking what you should be doing to make him "sorry", more even than this: "he did say that sometimes he didn't finish his work and for that I made him very sorry--no TV, no video games" The above is ridiculous for a 4 year old (who should not have started K at 3!!!). Please don't punish him further. He's 4, not 14.

No, that is not what I'm asking. I'm not a monster, my only goal is not to just punish him. I also don't want him to think he can just do nothing and get rewarded for it. I was just looking for some insight. I am very frustrated by his ability to complete his work perfectly at home yet not at all at school. He's very capable but I think he might be distracted in class, which I get.

How I wish I could enroll him "preschool" where his only responsibility was to play and be good. But here in Chicago, that's almost my entire month's salary and apparently we make too much for any subsidies. Taking him to work with me was my only option to take him somewhere safe that didn't put us in the poor house.

I feel like everyone here thinks I'm a bad mother when I'm just working with my very limited options to do the best I can.

ReeB83

I think it would make more sense to me if he couldn't do it at all. Then I'd just chalk the whole thing up to just being too little. But now that I see him reading the little stories and sounding out words, I want him to be his very best. Like I said, I've taught those kids who started early and they are AMAZING. I want that for my son too.

neverblushed

I call MUD.

ReeB83

neverblushed said:

I call MUD.

Riiiiiight. That's exactly what it is. I'm a pregnant working mother making stuff up for fun. Because I have nothing else to do. 

@fredalina you have a point. I just need to get off the grades thing for now. 

funchicken

fredalina said:

I understand why he's in kindergarten, but the work he is doing there is not developmentally appropriate. It isn't fair to put him in a situation that is above him in terms of maturity and expect him to behave at a level of kids almost 2 years older and then punish him when he isn't able to perform at the level he shouldn't be expected to perform at in the first place. It's great that he can do the work at home, but he can't do it at school. His teachers don't seem bothered by his performance, so why are you?

ITA with all of this. I get that you had limited childcare options, but don't pressure him, and definitely stop punishing him for unfinished work. Let him take the lead. He's behaving and his teachers aren't concerned--that's great! Maybe he does the work at home because he's excited to show you what he can do. Grades are seriously meaningless right now. Our kindie doesn't even have grades.

zeptattoo

I think you are being too hard on him, but I think you being a teacher is a big part of it.  Don't feel too bad, I teach also and I always have to keep that part of me in check when I am dealing with DS's preschool.  It appears that he is acting appropriately for his age, and if his teacher is not worried about it, I wouldn't be either.  

izziebee

ReeB83 said:

I think it would make more sense to me if he couldn't do it at all. Then I'd just chalk the whole thing up to just being too little. But now that I see him reading the little stories and sounding out words, I want him to be his very best. Like I said, I've taught those kids who started early and they are AMAZING. I want that for my son too.

This just concerns me.
You are setting your child up for so much disappointment and feeling of inadequacy at such an early age. You are already comparing him to other kids... let him be him and let him have fun! If you are this hard on him now, I feel so sorry for the years to come when it really does matter.

fitmom82

DD started a new school in September.  I wasn't clear I guess on when they switched rooms and a few months after she was in school I found out she was basically in a Kindergarden class.  Rather than have her transition later, they thought they'd put her in a class with kids a year older than her. We'ver been going to 5 year old's birthdays since October and she'll be 4 in March.  I'd prefer her be doing alot more playing. but she doesn't seem upset by the amount of learning that she's doing and I'm really amazed by how well she's doing.  My main concern is that she's happy.  I've spoken to the teacher and director a few times about her placement, but they've reassured me how well she's doing.  If she was unhappy I'd have no problem with her doing half the work.  Even if she was capable of doing it, her attention span, interest, or motivation just may not be there.  She does get homework many nights (I would expect to see it every night by kindergarden).  I do expect her to get it done too.  I have about 4 hours with her after daycare, I don't think it's too much to ask that she spend 10-15 minutes doing an assignment.   I think it's good to enforce responsibilities.  If she does not do her homework, then I wouldn't let her see her show or something.  At school, I just want her to be happy and have fun.

ReeB83

Well I finally had a sit down with the teacher. Since we're coworkers, most of our conversations are casual and in passing. I showed her the pages that concerned me and she told me that "the fours" don't even do those assignments. They spend that time in letter play or play doh or playing on the computer. "As long as he does half the page, I'm happy. That's all he can handle. Every early kid goes through the same thing and every parent freaks out. Keep that book and compare it next year. You'll see". 

WHEW!!!

Aliki

izziebee said:

ReeB83 said:

I think it would make more sense to me if he couldn't do it at all. Then I'd just chalk the whole thing up to just being too little. But now that I see him reading the little stories and sounding out words, I want him to be his very best. Like I said, I've taught those kids who started early and they are AMAZING. I want that for my son too.

This just concerns me.
You are setting your child up for so much disappointment and feeling of inadequacy at such an early age. You are already comparing him to other kids... let him be him and let him have fun! If you are this hard on him now, I feel so sorry for the years to come when it really does matter.

What she said. I know that as mothers, we all want the best for our children, but the paths that we take to get there may make all the difference.

ASmallWonder

You've completely lost sight of what's normal for a 4 year old.  Being able to do a task some of the time and being unable or unwilling to do it all the time is part of being 4 years old.