Would this piss you off?

NerdyLucy

hickchick1981 said:

 

Not have a baby shower rather than have people buy their own tacos?  That's so sad...

A baby shower is a privilege, not a right.  You're not entitled to one, so not having a baby shower isn't sad. 

Gigi8212

Actually OP, I am getting a kick out of how thick you're being about this whole situation.

Unknown

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NerdyLucy

hickchick1981 said:

MrsMuq said:

 Why are you guys so angry, lol?  Not the person who I quoted above, you're cool lady, but as for a lot of the people on this board...I'm just in awe here. 

But you came here first and started a thread about how pissed you were, asking if we'd be pissed too. 

We're answering.  Most of us would not be pissed if our inlaws declined this type of shower, nor would we be pissed if our shower guests were offended. 

It's like now that we didn't answer in the way you wanted, you're backtracking.

 

Look, it sucks for everyone involved.  The only thing you can handle now is how you act/react in the future.

nstecklein

Awww....nuts. I was just about to comment how lately the posts are getting down on op about not accepting that it was rude when she has in fact stated it many times and owned up to it. Up until this last post the op has been taking all of your flaming VERY well and not getting upset or doing a whole lot of name calling

hickchick1981

MrsMuq said:

hickchick1981 said:

MamaLlama14 said:

hickchick1981 said:

My sister threw a baby shower for me last weekend and my husband's family did not attend.  It was held at a Tex-Mex restaurant and my sister told me that they had some serious issues with paying for their own meals. 

Last night, my hubby tells me that they are planning on throwing me a shower after the baby is born, and we can just return a lot of their gifts to Babies R' Us for store credit.

Thoughts???

I'm pretty sure most people with a decent sense of etiquette would have some serious issues with paying for their own meals at an event they were being invited to, while also being asked to bring a gift.  If anything, I applaud your ILs for declining the invite as a show of their distaste for the poor etiquette.

Make it right by declining the second shower.  You've already offended the first set of guests (or maybe you had no role in it and your sister did, but either way...), don't offend another set by returning all of the gifts.

See, here's the thing.  If I were a guest, and I thought that it was rude, I would have been like, "Gee, that's rude of the hostess to make me pay for my own meal." But I would have gone anyway.  Just saying.  Not everything has to be a war, you know?

You made it into a war by attacking your ILs when they were rightfully offended and declined attending a shower they deemed tacky (exhibit one: all of your posts here). You seriously shouldn't be siding with your sister. Young or not, uninformed or not, money or not, she committed a major faux pas and it's YOUR job to apologize to anyone who was offended.

Omg, calm down.  I did not start a war.  I'm on a forum right now; I'm not on the phone with my ILs.  Come back down to planet earth, lady.

hickchick1981

Nicb13 said:

hickchick1981 said:

 

Ah!  Thanks!  Yeah, but my mom's dead so who else would have thrown it?  She could have had a smaller one, I guess, but there were only like 15 people there anyway.  She could have had a shower with half as many people, but the girl's got a big heart.  Social worker, like I said.  She wanted to invite all my aunts, the cousins I grew up with, a few friends and would never exclude the ILs.  And she knew that some kids would end up there because not everyone would seek out a babysitter.  She didn't figure on people getting upset over buying nachos or whatever.  Probably figured that everyone else had a heart like hers, but she figured wrong.  Instead, she got nasty texts about how she's rude and cheap and all that.  Maybe she is.  Just wanted to get a consensus on the matter, because I thought that paying for yourself shouldn't be that big of a deal.  Looks like I'm wrong.  Whatever -- now I know...

It does seem like you are taking away some valuable information from this thread OP and I think that's great. Regardless of what happened, I think it's shitty that they sent your sister nasty texts over this. It's over now, learn from it and move on.

Okay, I will.  Well said.

hickchick1981

SingleMom31 said:

Here are some thoughts on what your sister could have done: Not offered to host a shower if she couldn't afford it (and, yes, maybe that would have meant that you didn't have one... lots of people don't), co-hosted with a friend, hosted it at your house (what's closer to the MTB than her own house?), chosen a less expensive place that she could afford, or moved it all to a non-meal time and offered beverages and cake (which it sounds like she already had).  She could have done several things that would not have been tacky.

What you can do now:  What's done is done with relation to the shower.  That being said, you owe your ILs an apology for the tacky invitation.  It doesn't actually matter if you think your sister was justified or not -- They (rightfully so) perceived it as tacky.  This isn't a hill to die on, and it'll be better in the long run if you apologize.  Then, if they want to throw you a shower later, let them (and attend and be gracious).  They'll likely mostly get you outfits, etc. since they know that you'll already have car seats, etc.  Accept them graciously.  And, send written thank you notes to all of them.  If you choose to return them, that's fine - But don't utter one word of that to anyone in attendence. 

I hate the idea of apologizing for my sister...but you do sound relatively sane.  I like that.  I'm thinking over what you're saying... Yeah, this is the advice I should actually take.  But thank you everybody, even the crazy ones.

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Gigi8212

hickchick1981 said:

Darbie914 said:

hickchick1981 said:

Hmmm, okay, how do I r

Oh yeah, and also... she looked at other venues in my area.  She read somewhere that the babyshower was supposed to be near the pregnant lady so she said she called every venue in my area.  She said that even churches were charging hundreds and the restaurant charged nothing.  May have been my fault too, because when she told me that she could throw it at her apartment I stupidly said, "Really?  But where would people sit?  Why not just tell everybody to meet up for lunch and margaritas at some restaurant."  Stupid, stupid, stupid... See, I'm the same as her.  I never even thought that paying your own bill would be an issue until she told me about the texts.

hickchick1981 said:

SingleMom31 said:

Here are some thoughts on what your sister could have done: Not offered to host a shower if she couldn't afford it (and, yes, maybe that would have meant that you didn't have one... lots of people don't), co-hosted with a friend, hosted it at your house (what's closer to the MTB than her own house?), chosen a less expensive place that she could afford, or moved it all to a non-meal time and offered beverages and cake (which it sounds like she already had).  She could have done several things that would not have been tacky.

What you can do now:  What's done is done with relation to the shower.  That being said, you owe your ILs an apology for the tacky invitation.  It doesn't actually matter if you think your sister was justified or not -- They (rightfully so) perceived it as tacky.  This isn't a hill to die on, and it'll be better in the long run if you apologize.  Then, if they want to throw you a shower later, let them (and attend and be gracious).  They'll likely mostly get you outfits, etc. since they know that you'll already have car seats, etc.  Accept them graciously.  And, send written thank you notes to all of them.  If you choose to return them, that's fine - But don't utter one word of that to anyone in attendence. 

I hate the idea of apologizing for my sister...but you do sound relatively sane.  I like
that.  I'm thinking over what you're saying... Yeah, this is the advice
I should actually take.  But thank you everybody, even the crazy ones.

Edit quote fail--------

You're a spoiled brat and I am starting to feel bad for your sister. You encouraged her to throw a shower at a restaurant and have guests pay their own way when she offered the use of her apartment, which obviously wasn't good enough for you. YOU should be the one apologizing to your guests, and your sister too, for that matter.

mashedpotatoes

I would be angry to be honest. I guess it depends on how many people were going to show up to this restaurant for the shower. Even if she was willing to pay for peoples meals if 80 people showed up for it thats 800 dollars. If the In laws cared so much about this damn shower why didn't any of them help to fund it. Instead of trying to just have their own why wouldnt they all come together and try and make a nice shower for everyone. My shower was personally funded by my mother and Aunt. They had subs...no the food was terrible but when you are asking only 2 people to fund an entire shower thats what you get. But alot of people who have posted on here are saying that her sister was more or less an asshole for not providing the food. Well if you knew that don't order anything. Being at the shower and celebrating the baby with gifts does not require you to be full. The way it sounds to me is that her in laws are dicks didnt like the original shower and didnt wanna help with it. People seem to be very confused now adays the people who can purchase you things will the people who cant can still show up and be there for you. I know having moral support when trying to deal with this pregnancy is just as important as that sweet changing pad cover I got. 

mashedpotatoes

hickchick1981 said:

SingleMom31 said:

Here are some thoughts on what your sister could have done: Not offered to host a shower if she couldn't afford it (and, yes, maybe that would have meant that you didn't have one... lots of people don't), co-hosted with a friend, hosted it at your house (what's closer to the MTB than her own house?), chosen a less expensive place that she could afford, or moved it all to a non-meal time and offered beverages and cake (which it sounds like she already had).  She could have done several things that would not have been tacky.

What you can do now:  What's done is done with relation to the shower.  That being said, you owe your ILs an apology for the tacky invitation.  It doesn't actually matter if you think your sister was justified or not -- They (rightfully so) perceived it as tacky.  This isn't a hill to die on, and it'll be better in the long run if you apologize.  Then, if they want to throw you a shower later, let them (and attend and be gracious).  They'll likely mostly get you outfits, etc. since they know that you'll already have car seats, etc.  Accept them graciously.  And, send written thank you notes to all of them.  If you choose to return them, that's fine - But don't utter one word of that to anyone in attendence. 

I hate the idea of apologizing for my sister...but you do sound relatively sane.  I like that.  I'm thinking over what you're saying... Yeah, this is the advice I should actually take.  But thank you everybody, even the crazy ones.

Don't apologize for your sister if you don't think she did anything wrong though. Its like throwing her under the bus so others wont feel bad

Gigi8212

mashedpotatoes said:

I would be angry to be honest. I guess it depends on how many people were going to show up to this restaurant for the shower. Even if she was willing to pay for peoples meals if 80 people showed up for it thats 800 dollars. If the In laws cared so much about this damn shower why didn't any of them help to fund it. Instead of trying to just have their own why wouldnt they all come together and try and make a nice shower for everyone. My shower was personally funded by my mother and Aunt. They had subs...no the food was terrible but when you are asking only 2 people to fund an entire shower thats what you get. But alot of people who have posted on here are saying that her sister was more or less an asshole for not providing the food. Well if you knew that don't order anything. Being at the shower and celebrating the baby with gifts does not require you to be full. The way it sounds to me is that her in laws are dicks didnt like the original shower and didnt wanna help with it. People seem to be very confused now adays the people who can purchase you things will the people who cant can still show up and be there for you. I know having moral support when trying to deal with this pregnancy is just as important as that sweet changing pad cover I got. 

Seriously? I am not sure I can handle another one. Maybe if you read the thread @mashedpotatoes, you'll understand. But then again . . . Maybe not.

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FemShep

nstecklein said:

Awww....nuts. I was just about to comment how lately the posts are getting down on op about not accepting that it was rude when she has in fact stated it many times and owned up to it. Up until this last post the op has been taking all of your flaming VERY well and not getting upset or doing a whole lot of name calling

Uh...  The only one flaming anybody is the OP.  What she and her sister did was rude.  Well-intentioned, perhaps, but rude.  Topping it by calling people names and telling them "please don't breed" is immature, childish, and ridiculous.

mashedpotatoes

mashedpotatoes said:

I would be angry to be honest. I guess it depends on how many people were going to show up to this restaurant for the shower. Even if she was willing to pay for peoples meals if 80 people showed up for it thats 800 dollars. If the In laws cared so much about this damn shower why didn't any of them help to fund it. Instead of trying to just have their own why wouldnt they all come together and try and make a nice shower for everyone. My shower was personally funded by my mother and Aunt. They had subs...no the food was terrible but when you are asking only 2 people to fund an entire shower thats what you get. But alot of people who have posted on here are saying that her sister was more or less an asshole for not providing the food. Well if you knew that don't order anything. Being at the shower and celebrating the baby with gifts does not require you to be full. The way it sounds to me is that her in laws are dicks didnt like the original shower and didnt wanna help with it. People seem to be very confused now adays the people who can purchase you things will the people who cant can still show up and be there for you. I know having moral support when trying to deal with this pregnancy is just as important as that sweet changing pad cover I got. 

If she couldn't afford to host a lot of people (which OP mentioned in the earlier when she suggested having it at her apartment), then she should have limited the amount of guests invited.  It's really not difficult:  you plan for what you can afford.  

If I want a really expensive pair of shoes and I don't have the $$ to pay for them, I don't get to buy them.  If I want to host an 80 person shower but I don't have the $$ to pay for all of them, I host a smaller shower.  

The ILs had ZERO obligation to fund any part of the shower her sister wanted to plan.  When she approached them, they declined and wanted to plan a shower of their own.  Many people have more than 1 shower and aren't obligated to fund more than the one they are throwing.  

And if her sister KNEW the ILs were going to host their own shower, she had the option of asking them if she could co-host with them and not have her own shower.  

You're missing the point: the sister wanted to do this and did not plan her budget correctly.  Instead of spending her money on accommodating the guests, she chose to spend it on cakes and decorations.  It was poor planning on her part and now she has to deal with it.

It is like drawing a line in the sand. When we threw our shower we specifically were asked by people if they were invited cause it was being thrown by the other side of the family. But to my daughter everyone is her family and if they all can't share in that there will be major problems. I think the problem I have with this is not the money or any of that, its the fact that at the end of the day by keeping the two sides of the family apart it may never change and always be like that. It would concern me. 

notreal2

mashedpotatoes said:

 My shower was personally funded by my mother and Aunt. They had subs...no the food was terrible but when you are asking only 2 people to fund an entire shower thats what you get. But alot of people who have posted on here are saying that her sister was more or less an asshole for not providing the food. Well if you knew that don't order anything. Being at the shower and celebrating the baby with gifts does not require you to be full. The way it sounds to me is that her in laws are dicks didnt like the original shower and didnt wanna help with it. People seem to be very confused now adays the people who can purchase you things will the people who cant can still show up and be there for you. I know having moral support when trying to deal with this pregnancy is just as important as that sweet changing pad cover I got. 

Yeah, you actually get more of a side-eye than the OP, at least she thought her sister did her best, misguided though that thought may have been.  You are just mean toward people who did something nice for you.  Boo.

nstecklein

Ok femshep. Didnt need to get on me about this. If you would actually read the post, you would notice that I was going to commend her on her ability to take all this flaming, because up until that post right before mine, she had not, even when some people were being outright mean. Yes, what she said back was mean as well, which is why. I Was disappointed

nstecklein

I get the feeling you haven't read this entire thread. If you haven't, I encourage you to not lol

mashedpotatoes

My mother was the one who pointed out that the food was bad, she got a bad sub from subway when I say terrible it was just unfresh and she was not happy about it. 

[Deleted User]

80 PEOPLE AT A SHOWER???

mashedpotatoes

DragonBlood13 said:

80 PEOPLE AT A SHOWER???

I dunno, I had 30 and we don't have a lot of friends. I don't know maybe she was super popular or something. 

NerdyLucy

mashedpotatoes said:

But alot of people who have posted on here are saying that her sister was more or less an asshole for not providing the food. Well if you knew that don't order anything. Being at the shower and celebrating the baby with gifts does not require you to be full. The way it sounds to me is that her in laws are dicks didnt like the original shower and didnt wanna help with it.

So I'm thinking that maybe this could a parody account because I refuse to believe any of this was written seriously.

Helenahhandbasket

I had NO IDEA third tri was this fun.

Maybe I should have another baby...

NerdyLucy

Kimbus22 said:

Crap on a cracker.  This whole thing was ridiculous.  It needs more GIFS.

My siggy gifs have suddenly not been showing up for me. When I go to my settings, my entire siggy is there like normal.  Weird.

ufsandra85

nstecklein said:

Ok. To put it like it is like paying for a meal at a wedding...that makes sense to me. I just think people are being a little harsh. Sounds like it was a tough situation since there was nowhere else really to do it. And asking to do it in someone else's home would have been really actual tacky. Problem is, how do you keep people from ordering a lot and expensive and a bunch of alcohol?

i agree with all of this. i cant tell you how many birthday parties i have been to at restaurants and we were expected to pay. I have also been to bridal showers at restaurants where I paid and a baby shower where I paid. it is no big deal to me. If i dont want to spend money on food i just wont eat or just eat the cake. i understand the space thing too. OP i would be pissed at my IL if they made a big deal out of it. If they wanted to come and couldnt afford to pay for a meal and a gift they could have ate before they came or not brought a gift or explained to your husband politely the situation or politely declined without the drama of texting your sister. i also understand returning stuff. i returned a lot of things from my shower. few people bought from my registry which was fine, i am thankful for anything anyone gave me, but i literally ended up with over 70 outfits for the 0-3 stage and nothing for the other sizes. I did a lot of exchanging. to me it is no big deal.

MJM3108

Well, this helped kill an hour of time at work! Thanks, ladies of the Baby Shower Board for keeping it real, as always! 

To the OP, I really don't know what else to add to this whole hot mess.... But, FWIW, my 2 cents is in agreement with the ladies of the BSB- whether she meant to be or not, your sister was rude, and you need to apologize to your guests on her behalf. 

kimmee1997

hickchick1981 said:

My sister threw a baby shower for me last weekend and my husband's family did not attend.  It was held at a Tex-Mex restaurant and my sister told me that they had some serious issues with paying for their own meals. 

Last night, my hubby tells me that they are planning on throwing me a shower after the baby is born, and we can just return a lot of their gifts to Babies R' Us for store credit.

Thoughts???

I think it's overboard to skip out on your shower because they were offended to have to pay for a meal. But I would let it go if I were you. Whether your sister made an error in etiquette or not, they should not have compounded the problem by being rude. I'm guessing your sister is probably young and did the best she could. They shouldn't have given her a big problem over it cause that is rude. If they were that big of a stickler with etiquette they either should have politely refused or gone and not said anything about her error. And as for them throwing a shower after the baby is born, then politely accept it and I wouldn't bring up the issue about them missing your other shower. And I don't see anything wrong in returning any gifts. A lot of people don't go by a registry and sometimes you get multiple items that are the same. I don't see what is wrong in taking it back.

Cranang

Everyone has adequately expressed how rude it was. I would like to know what the "nasty texts" from your in-laws were. Maybe I missed it...? Were they calling names or simply calling her out for making guests pay for their own food?

mileswithmyles

After reading all your responses, to answer your question OP, no I don't think you should be pissed off. It's tacky to ask people to pay for their food at a shower. I understand that your sister wanted to do this for you and that's very sweet, but she should have hosted an event within her means, maybe not near a mealtime, where light snacks and cupcakes would have been sufficient. Your other responses come off as entitled. It doesn't sound like people were upset about $10 for lunch, more about the principle of the matter.

LEIGHLOVE09

Yes I agree it's tacky to not pay for meals however I think it is more rude of inlaws to first send nasty texts to host and then not show up for their son, daughter in law, and future grand baby. I would be BS if anyone in my hubby's family ever sent a nasty text to my younger sister regardless if she was in the wrong or not. That is not their place and they would have heard it from me. I also think they know her mother isn't alive and sisters financial situation...I would think mil would have been a little more sympathetic to that.

So yes not the ideal shower but in laws, more than anyone, should have understood and been supportive.

MamaLlama14

hickchick1981 said:

Not everybody has a babyshower?  Really?  I thought they did.  If this is true, that actually clears things up a little.  I really did think it was like, something that everybody has when they carry their first child. 

The second part of what you said is sinking in, too.  Yeah, I think maybe you're right.  But why would people get so angry over a little faux pas?  Why are you guys so angry, lol?  Not the person who I quoted above, you're cool lady, but as for a lot of the people on this board...I'm just in awe here.  Is this what forums are?  Everybody gets hyped up over nothing and jumps down each others throats?  On what miserable unhappy planet is that fun?  I feel so bad for some of you...  Just cheer up, y'all.  Life's not that bad! 

Checklist:

"You don't know my lyfe!" - check

"I fell bad for you"- check

"I feel sorry for your kids/spouses".... pending

"GBCB!" ... inevitable.

Let's just cut to the chase, hm?

Lollirot

hickchick1981 said:

nstecklein said:

Ok op, I'm gonna defend you a little bit here, although it sure ill get flamed for it. It was mentioned that they should have picked a more affordable venue.... Ten bucks for a meal sounds pretty affordable. As for assuming you know someone's financial status.....its her in laws. Op probably has a pretty good idea of their financial situation. Also, I'm not a fan of going out somewhere and having someone else pay. It makes me self concious of the cost of my food choice and I never end up ordering what I want. If your sister is having a baby and you want to throw a baby shower but you can't afford to feed everyone so you don't get to.....that would suck....because of your financial situation you 'aren't allowed' to be the host for your sisters shower. Sounds to me like the haters on here may just feel entitled. You don't know the sisters situation. Should she just have had it at her home and not served anything at all? Can you imagine the hating then? Oh my this thread would be blowing up. Two more thoughts. To the woman that went off on the whole hick thing.....what exactly is your definition of hick? Because it certainly isn't mine. You should be ashamed of the way you responded. For all your talk about etiquette, you seem to be lacking more than most! Pretty easy to hide behind a computer isn't it. Final thought, op, I do think you are over reacting a bit. If your in laws want to throw you a shower, why not go to it? It's a shower. Don't make mountains out of ant hills. Drama is avoidable by not over thinking things.

Oh my God, I just want to reach out and hug this woman. 

Yeah, I was thinking, "If I'm going to turn down the ILs babyshower, how do I do that without starting a fight?  Is that REALLY what I should be doing at this point?"  I still feel lucky to be getting a late shower rather than them not showing up to my sister's and then not doing anything, I guess.  A late shower is at least a sign that they care a little bit.  Maybe they would also consider it rude if I was like, "No thanks, I'm good..."

Yes, probably over-reacting.  Let's not forget that my hormones are raging over here.  I've always been overly-protective over my little sister, and I need to recognize when I'm out of line.

This post got to me the most. "A late shower is at least a sign that they care a little bit."? This will be my third pregnancy and I have never had a baby shower. It doesn't bother me a bit. Just because no one has thrown me a shower doesn't mean that they don't care. 

After the birth of my oldest son, my family helped by getting things I needed if I didn't have it already, which I believe was more than enough. This time around is no different. DH and I have already bought the bigger things so our families are helping by buying us tons of diapers, wipes, etc. Which is a BIG help. Even if they didn't help at all, we've had their love and support since day one. I don't think anyone should expect others to buy things or throw them a shower. You and your SO are the ones that made the baby, so it's your responsibility to provide for that baby, not your family. They do it out of kindness, not obligation. 

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PrimRoseMama

RondackHiker said:

Yes.

I'd be pissed and embarrassed my sister treated my guests poorly by having them pay for their own meal and I'd be pissed at my husband for planning on returning gifts.

Id apologize to all my guests and my in-laws for the tacky shower, turn down the post baby shower by saying we had all the supplies needed, and instead suggest just a "meet the baby" party.

This. Guest should never pay for their own meals. Gross. Just gross.

RebeccaY1

I didn't really see that the OP was complaining.  Also, as the guest, it wasn't like the OP decided where the shower would take place.  If her in-laws want to throw another shower, what's the big deal?  Who knows, your in-laws might not get you gifts you already have received.

LolaX2

hickchick1981 said:

Yeah, maybe I'll turn down the other shower, if there even is one.  We'll probably have everything we need by the time the baby is delivered.  We'll have to.  And if I'm in too bad of shape to be at work, I feel like I won't be able to go to a party.

I won't apologize for my sister, though.  She worked really hard and already spent way more money that she could afford.  If we were living in Beverly Hills or something, I would say it was a given that the event would be catered or whatever, but we don't.  The girl can hardly pay her rent and she threw the shower because hubby's mother said that she might not be throwing one.  My sister just wanted me to make sure I had a baby shower, that's all. 

Showers don't have to be some big expensive event. Your sister could have planned the shower not during a meal time and just had the awesome cupcakes that she made along with a few other cheap snacks at her house or another less expensive venue. I completely understand her wanting to throw you a shower, but it can be done pretty inexpensively and not asking people to pay for there own food. It is very rude to invite guests to a shower to bring gifts and pay for their own food!

kennazebrowsky

jazzyexpo

*head to desk*

ambrown1123

People need to chill out. I don't think it's the end of the world that her sister didn't pay for the meals. They could've eaten before and not had anything at the party. You've really turned against the OP and it's ridiculous. Her sister did a nice thing, and the IL were kind of shitty.