A/S: The rant we all wish we could post when people AW on FB

MamaLlama14

So we've talked a lot about how, even though it's exciting to find out the sex of the baby at the 20w scan, it's actually not the purpose.  Many of us have cringed when people post about how they're going to their "20 week gender scan" or something else clueless, ignoring the real purpose- and sometimes the scary reality- of the appointment.

Well, here's what a friend posted on FB this week.  She has a 6 month old with Down Syndrome and a heart condition that required open heart surgery about 2 months ago.  This week is Congenital Heart Defect Week, so she's been posting "heart health" info all week.  I give her a lot of credit for putting people on notice! We all eye roll at the ones who have no idea what the A/S is really about, but she called people out on it:

Listen. I know as parents we are all excited to find out the sex of the baby at our 20 week anatomy scan.  But guess what? That's not the reason you're there! There are a lot of crucial medical milestones your baby is being checked for.  You need to go there prepared with the right questions- not just "is it a boy or a girl?" I did not expect to hear that my daughter was going to require major open heart surgery that day, because I wasn't focused on the purpose of the appointment.  Knowledge is powerful! Here are some heart health questions you should ask about your baby's heart at the 20 week scan BEFORE you wonder what sex it is...."

ABColeslaw

And this is why I did an elective scan before my A/S.  I wanted to be able to concentrate and ask real important questions during the scan.  And look what happened at our scan, heart defect.  trust me there is no room in your head for any other information once you hear that.  I'm glad I wasn't finding out her gender at that appt. 

RedInLove

We all want and expect healthy babies, so I think that gets taken for granted. Nobody wants to hear something isn't perfect. It's the not expecting it to happen to me mentality, and you're not wrong to have that, but that's just not reality for many people.

We have been fortunate enough to have all good news throughout this pregnancy so far, and I remind myself every day, every appointment, that I am very lucky for that, which makes me extremely grateful! Your friend's post is spot on. And not just because she experienced it herself, though that does give it some extra kick and hopefully will make more people listen. She is doing a great service to her friends and to everyone that gets to read it.

haylo33

Totally agree. I even knew this going into my A/S but when they saw markers for downs, I was still shocked. They told me it was a boy first, so I had about a minute of excitement before scary news. At that point, I didn't care that it was a boy, I was just so overwhelmed with anxiety and fear

sarahjanisse

Amen to that...nobody prepared me that they would be looking for "markers"...it never even crossed my mind...I was caught totally off guard when they saw an eif on baby's heart....wasn't the appointment I had prepared myself for at all.

NorthernGal248

DH and I were def very excited to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. They told us right away the baby was a girl, but I could hardly breath until we were told that her spine is closed on both sides, her heart looked good, there was circulation everywhere there need be and so forth.

My sister brought her son to one of her ultrasounds, it turned out that the LO's spine hadn't closed. Whenever someone on here asks if they should bring their kids and lots of family my quick answer is no! If something isn't right would you want your kids/friends around?

momthatlifts

Good for her! I was side eyeing some posters over in second tri in the "when did you get your gender scan" thread. Because the majority of everyone was more concerned about whether or not she called it the proper term (sex vs gender) and not the fact that she called a very important ultrasound a "gender scan". It actually makes me mad to hear someone call the anatomy scan anything but the anatomy scan

Edit: I also had an elective ultrasound so I got to see my baby "for fun" . I was legitimately scared for my anatomy scan. I knew what it was for and what could happen. It was not a fun experience for me!

getitdone

While I was excited to find out what we were having, it was secondary to everything else. I have a heart murmur which is hereditary so that was one of my first questions for the tech when she started measuring the heart. When we got to the scan, the tech asked us if we wanted to know what we were having and if she should look for the sex first. I said yes we want to know, but I wanted her to check everything else first. She said she wished more people focused on what was really important. Good for your friend for putting it out there and reminding people what is really important.

rebecca1198

kitchencolors said:

ABColeslaw said:

I'm glad I wasn't finding out her gender at that appt. 

That's how I felt about it with DD, too! Our a/s felt like hours (the ultrasound then genetic counselor meeting then amnio then blood draw) of getting punched in the gut.  I'm so glad that "It's a girl" wasn't just a side note to that terrifying day.

This is exactly how we felt. At the very end of the scan, after finding out that baby has a birth defect, it was an afterthought -- "yup, she's a girl." Friends and family knew we had our 20 wk ultrasound and they kept asking "boy or girl?" It was devastating to have to say "girl, but..." Puts everything in perspective.