a right to be sad? upset? (UPDATE)

mmhopeful

Yesterday, my DH was so sweet.  He threw me a surprise b-day party for my 40th b-day.  I was happy to be seeing people I haven't seen in a while and also to be honored in such a nice way.  At the close of the party, he and I were cleaning up and he went to get the mail.  In it was an envelope from our fertility center.  I could tell it was a bank check.  I paused and then just knew.  It was a refund check for the exact amount we had paid to have our embryos frozen.  No letter from the lab has arrived yet with our report.  It should have come over a week ago.  

We just knew.  Of the 9 embryos growing, none of them made it to freeze.  I've been in a funk most of today and am trying to reason this out in my mind and in my heart.

1. Why didn't we get our letter from the lab?

2. How is it that the mailed check mailed to us PRIOR to any notification that we had no frosties. 

I'm aware that we are only a week away from our 1st ultrasound, but it feels like we are doomed.  It is added pressure for this pregnancy to work, as we have lost 12/15 embryos through these 2 IVF cycles.  I knew no one else would understand but you all.  My DH is not as upset and is moving on with other projects.  I want to tell my RE's office that it wasn't very nice to have to put 2 and 2 together and that after all the time, money, and heartache in working on this and with them for a year, no one had the decency to let us know over the phone?

Just needed to vent....

I am trying to stay hopeful and today, I am just wicked bloated....no pants are fitting.....and I am super tired.  

****UPDATE***: Spoke to the dr. finally yesterday and it looks like all nine embryos are gone.  =(  I told him how i felt about the situation of notification and he said he was sorry but they don't notify you if there are none to freeze.  I told him how insensitive that was and how upset we were to have to put 2 and 2 together when we received a check in the mail over the weekend.  He offered for us to come in today for our US but I declined with the weather.  It is a major snowstorm here in CT at present time and I'd like to keep to Monday's appt. as life has been built around so much of this IF business.  I cried most of yesterday on the way home from work and frankly went to bed when I got home.  I didn't feel much like celebrating my actual birthday.  Still numb this afternoon and hoping I will feel better in a few days.  Just very disappointed. Those were 9 lives we were counting on in our future in some manner and right now, we don't even know how many are "cooking" currently.  Just knew we couldn't go through the process again, so it hit me hard.  Thanks for listening.  I will let everyone know how Monday goes. (I do feel guilty for being upset, but at the same time, there are no guarantees with this pregnancy either.)

Roeni

Sorry you had to be notified that way. My clinic called me the day after transfer to let us know how many made it to freeze. They couldn't call you??

brooklynesque

I'm so sorry you didn't end up with frosties.  And I'd be pissed, too.  They definitely should have called you, IMO, or at the very least sent a letter right away.  (But I think a call would have been far better than a letter.)

mmhopeful

They had told me that a letter would come in 2 weeks from the lab.  On the 1st IVF, the letter arrived the day after our 1st beta ....which was a negative.   =(

Aurora1181

I would be sad and upset too. And talk about terrible timing... I was frustrated waiting for the daily embryo update prior to our transfers- I can't imagine what it would feel like to go this long without knowing. You should definitely call them on Monday and express this frustration. Hang in there..

xtina78

I would also be pissed - a phone call would have been nice. 

I hear you on the bloat too - that can ruin my day even though I know it's for a good cause. I would say dress as comfy as you can and take it easy. This process is so hard.

PhillyJ33

I would have been upset as well- that isn't a nice way to find out. They should have called.

Good luck though  next week on your u/s and Happy Birthday

Peanutz21

ugh that is so frustrating - i'm so sorry you had to find out that way ... so awful

i know it won't make you feel any better but i always felt so irritated by the "finance department" at the RE's office - i'm in the medical field myself and felt i had truly rational questions to ask (i.e. why they were billing my insurance when I'm purely OOP for one).  my "personal financial coordinator" was so darn condescending to me that i called the following day to let them know i'd like a new one and that she is never to call or contact me ever again.

the RE clinic was always SO good at getting my payment before anything happened. i found that irritating but sad to say it is a business after all.

at least they gave you your $ back in a timely manner. i usually find they're fasting to suck it out from you than giving it back. 

i'm so sorry  

Ylvelill

I think you are justified in being sad and hurt. I think expressing that to the doctor would be reasonable.

Good luck with the ultrasound!

JSM0801

OMG, I am so sorry you had to find out that way. That is terrible and cruel!! There should be communication b/w the lab and finance department in these situations. I always assumed that all clinics call on day 5/6 with a freeze report. You should definitely speak up to the clinic about changing this policy. No one deserves to get hit with this kind of news in the mail.  

Hope you had a great 40th in spite of this! 

anations

Very understandable and sometimes they really don't understand what we are going through. I'm sorry about the frosties but you are pregnant. Keep as much hope as you can I know it is hard. I am almost 6 months and still scared to death. But we can make it!!

Soon-To-BeMrs.P

So sorry.  What an incredibly awful thing to happen on such a happy day.  I think you have every right to question/tongue-lash the RE lab.  And I am sure that you speaking up loudly will help another woman down the line who may get the same news.  

I have no way to alleviate the fear that most (if not all) PAIF/PGAL ladies have... but keep the faith!  

BzeetyD

A letter seems very out of the norm. I've never heard of that.
Sorry it is done that way at your clinic and it was upsetting. I'd be sad too, especially if you were holding out hope. Sorry that the timing of receiving the letter was lame too.

Hugs.

auntjessy

Sorry that there were non to freeze, and that you had to find out that way.  I'm not sure that for me any one way would have made it easier than another, but the labs really should try to understand the emotional toll this whole thing takes on us.  ((hugs)) and Happy Birthday 

FutureMrsW9

Wow, that seems really unprofessional of them.  I was told how many of mine made it to freeze the day that they were frozen.  I got a call with the fulls stats on that.  I'm really shocked that all clinics wouldn't do this.  I'm so sorry you had to find out like that.  You should definitely contact someone at your clinic to talk about how they handled this.  Maybe your case somehow slipped through the cracks, as I would hope this is NOT standard protocol.

mmhopeful

I called today and left a message.  Hoping to hear back tomorrow.  STILL NO LETTER FROM THE LAB!

mmhopeful

An update from yesterday...

ld08271

Sending you a big hug. 

Soon-To-BeMrs.P

@mmhopeful--Glad you stood up for what SHOULD be best practice of informing a couple prior to sending a reimbursement check!  It's weird to me that anyone would even think it's okay to NOT inform people.  Incredibly sorry that it didn't turn out as hoped but I am still praying that you're baking a healthy and strong rainbow baby! 

drjwj

I would definitely be upset!!  I can't believe they just don't notify you at all!  I understand completely and am glad you are here!

OutdoorGirl10

So sorry that it happened this way but good for you for telling them it was a crappy way to do things. Sometimes I think they get so into their routine they don't realize the effect every action and comment has and how it feels.

LSN8308

im sorry none made it to freeze and that on top of that you didnt get the decency of a courteous phone call. i hope you're feeling a little better now, and FX the monday appt will give u reassurance and happy news.

sarah_beth2005

I am so sorry that you had to find out the way you did - FXed that you have a great u/s on Monday.  It helps to remember that they transferred only the very best.  Luckily we got PG from our first IVF, but of 16 retrieved and fertilized eggs, we had two to transfer, and only 2 to freeze - so the time waiting for our first u/s was torture.  Sending positive thoughts your way - it only takes one to stick!!!!