Would you let your financial situation influence when you have kids or how many?

Maebb

I have a friend who is in a tough financial place because her H is in school, and she can't work FT for a variety of reasons. She talks CONSTANTLY about how poor they are and how she just doesn't know how they're going to make it. They get some help, but they still are having to take some drastic measures to be able to pay their bills.

So I was a little surprised when she told me they were pregnant with baby #3, but she's the type that just thinks that every baby is a blessing, and God will make a way if he blesses them with another baby.

I am torn because in a way, I think they should be able to have as big of a family as they want, but in a way, I think it's irresponsible to not use protection when you can't afford basic things for your current children. Of course I'm going to be a loving and supportive friend and help however I can. And I support every woman's decision to have or not have children and would never try to make it for them.

WDYT? Would you make a decision to not have more kids or perhaps delay having more kids based on finances?

Whenigrowup

Yes, because DH and I are waiting until things are set (it was finances, now it is moving into a house and new jobs) until #2.  We said we'd try when DD was 2.5.  When we got there, things weren't settled.  Now we're waiting until fall to talk about it again.

Maebb

@MrsButt, I agree with you. I'm just asking if finances would be a factor for you and your own decisions about having more kids. As far as other people go, I agree that we'd be getting into dangerous territory if we try to judge or say how many kids is too many based on their finances. That's none of my business.

persephonerose

@Maebb you say it is none of your business and its dangerous territory to judge how many kids is too many based on someone's finances yet you use a very specific example that does just that.  You could have simply asked the question "Do finances play a part in if/when you have children". But instead you start in with a story that is judgmental and biases the reader. 

I feel like you did this so you could JUDGE under the pretense of just asking a question.

LuckyDad

Finances are affecting our decision making right now.

myatala

We didn't worry as much about money when trying for #1 but it's a big factor in our future plans for our family.

Maebb

@persephonerose, sorry if it offended you or seemed contradictory that I used that example. I think saying that you might make different choices than someone else is ok if it's done in a respectful way.

To everyone who might be dealing with not having more kids for financial reasons or other things out of your control, I'm sorry. Hugs. I know that's hard.

LadyXaverian

Yes, finances are a part of our decision making when it comes to family planning.

Maebb

@uconnhuskie007, I hugged my friend, said congratulations, and offered to help in any way she needs and babysit her 2 other kids when she goes to the hospital with this one. I did not "pass judgment." Like I said, I think people should be able to have as many children as they want.

I guess it's a fine line between judging and just making different choices. Maybe it seems judgmental because I said I was surprised when she told me, but I just wasn't expecting it.

Monkeybabe

I think everyone considers finances, to a degree, and that different people have different views on what is "enough".

Maebb

I wondered how many people thought of finances as part of the decision making process. That's why I asked it as a poll. It's just curiosity. Honestly, I didn't know what the split would be, and it's not making me feel like I'm "right," because I think it's each person's individual decision. What's right for me and DH might not be right for another family, and fortunately we have the freedom to choose.

Anyway, I'm going to bed now. Lovies!

jackson290721

I considered finances, I used birth control, I was blessed with a baby anyway.

Unknown

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Pearls+Oysters

[Edited because life story. OP got the point.]

I do feel like you are judging that friend, because we had friends judge us and tell us the same things you are saying in your OP... Without knowing about the situation and without asking first.

They're friendly. I don't consider them like real friends anymore. Hopefully you bluff well.

persephonerose

Maebb said:

@persephonerose, sorry if it offended you or seemed contradictory that I used that example. I think saying that you might make different choices than someone else is ok if it's done in a respectful way. To everyone who might be dealing with not having more kids for financial reasons or other things out of your control, I'm sorry. Hugs. I know that's hard.

I am not offended. I just think if you want to be judgy then you should own it instead of trying to cloak it in innocence. Your OP sounds judgy and condescending IMO. 

theimpossibleastronaut

Yes, finances, among other things, will affect our decision to have more kids.

robinsokj

I very strongly judge those who purposely procreate when they can't afford it

ASmallWonder

Short answer, yes.  There's a huge difference between a baby changing the lifestyle you're used to and a baby changing whether or not you can literally pay for heat, food, etc.  We could afford a third with some big changes but that's not the life for us.  Before we had a first baby I made damn sure to know how much daycare, etc. costs because if you can't afford the baby, you can't afford the baby.

Eleventy11

I'm probably being very flameful when I say this....If neither parent works and having more children will make you rely on public assistance, I'm going to judge. I would love to have more kids and be a SAHM. However, we can not afford that. We would not be able to pay bills. We would not be able to afford health insurance. We could rely on public assistance, but that's not what public assistance is for.

I don't know if this is the case with the OPs friend or not. However, we can't all have what we want, while ignoring the cost to ourselves or society.

LoveActually4

I would love to have more kids but we cannot afford it. So...we're done.

jorkz821

For me personally, partly finances but also mental health/ability to deal with having more.

And maybe OP's friend is looking longer term. Since her h is in school, maybe they're ok with short term struggles if it will be better soon. But anyways, none of my business.

jorkz821

WhoCanItBeNow said:

jorkz821 said:

For me personally, partly finances but also mental health/ability to deal with having more.

And maybe OP's friend is looking longer term. Since her h is in school, maybe they're ok with short term struggles if it will be better soon. But anyways, none of my business.

So not having gas or electricity now makes that ok? 

OP doesn't say that they don't have gas or power? There's something about struggling to meet "basic needs" but who knows what OP deems to be basic needs in this situation.

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Drea926

Finances are a huge reason why we plan to space our kids out. We aren't going to try for #2 until DS is ready for Kindergarten. I don't really want to shell out $500 a week for daycare, and I don't want two in college at the same time. I know not every parent can afford to send their kids through school, but both DH and I were very fortunate to have parents who were able to do that for us, so we both decided we want to do the same for our kids. Spacing them out is what works for us!

msdrdg

We are OAD due to finances.  Kids are expensive!  We already have cut everything out except cable/internet/phone.  Our bills are basic expenses and credit cards from before.  Cutting out c/i/p will not be enough to allow us to have another child and frankly the ability to sit and chill out in-front of the tv at night keeps us from killing each other some nights.  As much as it breaks my heart, I know that I cannot have another child and still pay my bills.  Daycare is more than my mortgage just for one kid, no way in hell I can do it for 2.

And I openly admit I judge the hell out of people who purposely have kids they can't afford just because they WANT them.  I WANT the hell out of another kid, I cry often over it, but I am not having one because I can't. 

I have a friend who bought a house he couldn't afford, took out loans to have it re-sided because his wife didn't like the color, bought all new furniture because they "needed it".  Then they tried to have a baby and ended up spending many thousands on IVF.  All the while they were doing IVF, he kept saying to me how he had to delay his mortgage payment because they didn't have the $ or how he had to have a bologna sandwich because there wasn't much in the food budget that month.  They never considered how much DC costs or other baby related things.  Now they have their son and they are in even more financial trouble.  AND she wants to have another one.  I asked him how they would financially survive that, he doesn't know, but she wants it, so she'll get it even if they end up loosing their house etc....

TLDR, I am OAD, I judge those who purposely have kids they can't afford.

LovestheLou

Yes they absolutely play a role.  We have two in daycare right now and it's a huge strain.  But it's only until August when my son starts free full day pre-k so we can manage. But I won't have more kids because it makes it too hard to save for college and retirement, take vacations, etc. 

I agree with others.  What is enough varies from family to family.  I would only judge if someone planned another when they were struggling to provide basic necessities.  Otherwise, not my family, not my business.

Maebb

For my friend, she got pregnant because they didn't use birth control. It was not a birth control failure. And her H works two jobs in addition to school. She isn't working because for the jobs she could get, the pay is lower than the cost of keeping both kids in daycare.

I don't want to pick apart her situation. I do hope things work out well for them.

BeckyP005

People ask why we are not going to a better clinic. We just don't have $30,000 to try for a baby Some have gone into debt to try to bring their baby home we just won't do that. I'm not judging. Makes me sad but MH was in debt once before and vowed he will never put himself in that position again...even for a baby.

So yes our financial situation is at play.

angelashly

Financial reasons are 80% why we are OAD and are very careful birth control wise.

chardonnay24

One of the reasons we were leaning toward OAD were finances. I have massive student loan debt and we are still recovering from recent unemployment and draining our savings. We also racked up some serious medical debt because we were uninsured. Now that my H is working, we are able to live quite comfortably on his income, and I didn't want to give up private school, gymnastics classes, my cleaning lady, travel, and savings to have another kid.

That said, #2 was a major birth control fail. Made it through 2 forms of BC, used correctly. So no, I do not judge people for the number of kids they have if their finances aren't the best, because I have no idea what their situation is.

I guess I would judge if I had a friend who couldn't pay for basic necessities and neglected to use BC. But there's a difference to me between "relying on public assistance" and "not being financially stable".

ByeBabyBunting

I always wanted to have a lot of kids and I still do, but I can't because we can't afford it. We have been putting off another one for a year now trying to get to a point where we can afford daycare or for me to stay home.  If I'm honest, I'm kind of jealous of people who just say fuck it and have a kid that they can't afford. Part of me really wants to do just that.

Whenigrowup

CTGirl30 said:

I think it should play a role in family planning. Can't afford to provide the basic necessities for the family you currently have? Don't actively try to increase it then. Resources are finite. ETA - This seems like basic common sense here. I get emotions can cloud rational thinking but being an adult means making responsible choices (in theory) even when it's hard to do that.

It seems like common sense, but it also seems like the majority of our friends and family take the "God will provide" route.  In fact, DH and I sometimes get side-eyed for waiting and planning for a better time.  Why don't you have #2 already????

RayRay007

Since I've been emotionally ready to have kids, finances were not a consideration because they weren't an issue. They still aren't an issue so no, I don't feel like I take them into consideration in having another kid because I don't have to think about them. If I did, it would probably be a different story, but I can't say for sure because I'm not and have never been in that situation.

laurakaz13

There is no way we would have more kids if we could not financially afford them!  No way!  If we could not afford everything we need for daily life, plus the ability to save for college and retirement, there would be no way kids would be in the picture. 

I think it's totally irresponsible.