lets talk resentment...long (sorry)

breezyblueyez

I've been wanting to post and get this off my chest for months and months and maybe longer than that... but i get these glimmers of hope that everything will magically get better, and it never does.  Not even sure what i need, advice? internet shoulders to cry on? i don't know.  But- I think i hate my husband.  wow.  hate is a strong word, i definitely resent the shit out of him. A few months after we had LO i thought he could see just how much work this was, and cut some things out and give me a hand.  but, he is always gone, doesn't help with housework/watching LO/anything.  I have an incredibly stressful job that has been just killing me & I decided to go back to school at night to get a better job.  I registered for my spring class and I'm all sorts of excited, and he casually mentions how he has to go pay for softball tonight.  I ask what days he is playing, and go figure, he plays on the nights i have school.  really????   I asked about my classes and he just said, oh yea i didn't think about it, but i really want to play sooo....   since LO came, every time i want to do something (saturday workouts, weekday workouts/ girls get together) I'm never able, because his fun ALWAYS comes first.    to make it worse, i was just in tears and told him how much it hurts that i always come second and never have the opportunity to go do something for just me... his response "well you never want to do anything"

OMG.... I never can, he is always gone doing HIM.    sorry that was REALLY long and rambley, but im home (alone of course) sobbing, and so hurt.  i just had to air that sh*t out there.

britbratjf

I am so sorry that you are going through this - you deserve a partner that is there for you and your LO. I do think that it's not a terrible thing for partners to have their own "time" but it's not fair to you that your H isn't allowing you to have time to yourself or committing enough time to your family. I think you need to have a serious sit down with him and let him know how you are feeling and that you feel that you need couples counseling ASAP. Be very honest - tell him that his actions have led to you resenting and disliking him and that you hoped he would be a better father and partner than he has been but that you hope that with counseling you can move past these feelings and become a stronger family. If he's not willing to do counseling I would seriously consider separation.

breezyblueyez

Totally agree on getting your own time @britbratjf sometimes it's nice that he is gone so I can be alone (when LO naps) But I would love my own time too. argh

breezyblueyez

@hibiscus29, I'm not dropping my class. Nope! School is most important. I'm going to talk to my mom and see if she can take LO Monday nights, I just embarrassed to ask bc she will find out he is being an ass but I guess that's his problem & seriously I rolled my eyes so hard they almost fell out when he said I never want to do anything.

britbratjf

breezyblueyez said:

Totally agree on getting your own time @britbratjf sometimes it's nice that he is gone so I can be alone (when LO naps) But I would love my own time too. argh

I hope you didn't misunderstand - I totally think it's BS that he isn't allowing you to have your own time in addition to him having his time and the 3 of you having family time. It sounds like he has made no effort to become a family of 3 - he's just continuing on as if you don't have a baby and he's laying the whole raising a child thing on you. You didn't sign up to be a single parent and that's what he is forcing on you.

I really encourage you to sit down and have a long, serious conversation with your H about your feelings. If you don't soon it may be too late to try and save your marriage which I'm sure you don't want. Big hugs to you and I hope things go well.

breezyblueyez

Oh no misunderstanding just agreeing about people needing their own time, just wishing he understood that too. It built up so much I screamed at him this morning, then broke down and cried later. I bring it up so much that I guess a counselor or 3rd party needs to help him understand bc right now I'm preparing, in my head, and planning my options out.

sarahandeddiejune212008

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know exactly how you feel. I don't have any advice as I have not been able to fix my own marriage. I can offer hugs!

EandIMommy86

That is frustrating. I can somewhat relate to you because I am a stay at home mom, so time to myself now and then is SO important. Our husbands do not and cannot ever fully understand the extent of what we do when it comes to the care of our LO's. Our natural maternal instincts kick in with our children and no matter how tired we are or how bad of a mood we are in, we make sure our babies are taken care of and sometimes, it can be exhausting.

I agree with a PP that you should definitely have a sit down with your husband.  Take a day of the week where he is off work, and schedule some time to yourself to physically get out of the house, and let him stay with the LO's. See if he changes his tone afterwards. Sometimes, it takes someone actually being in your position where you are doing most of the care in order for them to understand.

Hugs to you and I hope that it gets better.

aylafsu88

Hugs. I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with Britbrat and other posters. You need to talk to him. Some guys just do not seem to get certain things like helping out or taking care of LO. MY H is similar to what you describe but not as extreme. In his case he just does not think about things and if I do not bring it up he would never notice. He will happily go hunt on the weekends, go play soccer,or take afternoon naps. We sat down and had a long talk when LO was 9ish months old. I was at my wits end and he was oblivious to everything I was dealing with. The talk helped and now he is more aware of what I need and how he can help. I will say that I still have to remind him to do certain things around the house but he does make more of an effort.

PaMommy02

Sorry you are going through this, your husband sounds like a really selfish person. It's odd how some people are just wired that way. Honestly, your post sounds pretty familiar as to the crap I deal with too. I don't have any real advice sorry. My husband used to be really selfish too but with age it has gotten better. Good luck!

lada85

I'm very sorry you are going through this. There needs to be a talk soon in your future and maybe you should have a third party involved. Either a therapist or someone who can be non biased. It's not ok to feel like this. I know exactly how you feel and no one should feel like that. Hugs. I'm here is you need anything.

Kdoy705

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time with this. Definitely not fair at all! I think the Google calendar idea was a good one from a PP. We use that extensively to track/plan all of our outings. That way when someone asks him to do something, he can take a look at the calendar (syncs up with his iPhone) to see what is on the calendar - I do put all outings with my friends on there too. We have made a rule out of courtesy to ask each other before we agree to an outing and that helps a lot to establish trust. Perhaps he can agree to discussing with you before committing to outings?

However, what I have found it is really hard to get my H to plan anything for the 2 of us, or for family outings. He happily goes along to dinners with friends, dinner with me, outings at the zoo, etc, but he NEVER plans anything for us. I was frustrated with him about it this week, and when I talked to him about it, he said he just doesn't think about it and he needs a "list of babysitters / phone numbers, etc". So, we are going to try and do one date per month, and trade off planning dates each month. We will see how that works.

Hang in there, and hope things get better. How about planning a standing night out for yourself each week? Then you can have that set time to do whatever you want, something on your own or with friends? 

breezyblueyez

Thank you all so much for the suggestions, I'll try the calendar and talking with him. I appreciate everyone's support.

ashleynaka

Late to reply, but just wanted to let you know is so very sorry this is happening. As others have said, communication is key, but so is honesty. No matter how difficult it is, tell him exactly how you feel. Make sure you also let him know what your expectations are and be exact and to the point. Guys need us to be frank and to the point in order to understand. Good luck to you and please keep us posted. I give you tons of credit for doing all that you are to give your LO the best possible future. Most men would bend over backwards to have someone like you I their lives.

christieep

That is so incredibly hard.  I've experienced resentment with my DH a lot during the last 18 months and often wonder how in the world we (I) are going to manage with two kids.  We have blow ups and he gets better temporarily, but I end up shouldering the load eventually again.

I agree with everyone who suggested a counselor.  It sounds like he isn't "getting it" when you try to get through to him, maybe it will take someone else.

Lots of hugs, having a toddler is hard enough, but when your partner isn't being a partner it is even harder.

punkyshoester

I'm so sorry you are feeling so hurt! It is a shitty feeling, and I could have wrote a lot of your post myself. I have been through it with H.

I did post here how I found out he was having an affair for 8 months, and just found some other stuff out, so I don't know in my situation if it is going to work...BUT....

I would suggest going to therapy. Would he be open to that? My therapist often says that if I'm uncomfortable with the amount of time H is spending out of the home (which, prior to therapy was A LOT. Like 2-3 nights/week). that I should let him know and tell him that I don't WANT him to go out and how it makes me feel. OK, sounds so basic and a little ridiculous...but I was never saying those things to him before. I was just letting it all build up and ultimately resenting him, much like you are feeling right now.

It sounds like you have had those conversations with him, but perhaps a little outside help would enable you to navigate this better, or at least figure out what road you want to go down.

Do you spend one-on-one time together? That is also something that H and I were majorly neglecting, and I think it has a big affect on your relationship.

OK, so that was a novel. If you ever want to talk, PM me. I can commiserate, offer unsolicited advice, or just talk crap about nearly anyone you want.

 

APendola

I'm sorry you are going through this.   I had a talk with my husband a while ago about how I need some me time.  I do a yoga class about once a week...and sometimes DH will take DD for a little outing  an hour or two.  It's not much me time, but it makes a world of difference.  I wish I had asked for it sooner.

Maybe you need to lay out a schedule with your DH...times that are for you, times for him, and times that are family time.

Hugs!