HELP!! Should I have a Baby Shower in Germany??

LauraJerry

*****Edited from original post***********

Ok, it’s time to play: What I Learned on TheBump.com – Baby Shower message board!

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1)    Baby showers (and all showers for that matter) are, by general consensus, defined as a gift-giving event. The main purpose of these events is to “shower” the Mother-to-be/guest of honor with gifts, and then sit around in a circle watching her open said gifts.

Comment: I truly did not understand this, thank you to those of you who thoughtfully and politely explained this to me. (I really do appreciate that the majority of answers on here weren’t rude, spiteful or inane.)


2)    Based on the above definition, I find the idea of showers in general to be tacky, and to be honest, I’m now glad I’m not having one.

I will never again consider the idea of throwing a shower for myself, and would politely decline if someone wanted to throw one for me. I would never want a friend/relative of mine to go through all the trouble and expense of throwing me a party, and then demanding that guests bring gifts for me, (and sit around watching me open them (ewww!))  I would also never feel comfortable throwing a shower for someone else; since I would never want to invite people to a party and demand they bring gifts, even if it was for a friend!

Comment: This will probably offend many people on here since it is a baby shower message board, but since you all made me understand what a shower is, it has changed my opinion of them forever, and it’s quite simply how I feel. It’s my opinion, and you are welcome to have a different one.


3)    Many people on this message board have a very narrow definition of what a birthday party is.

Comment: I accept a the very narrow definition of showers presented to me on here because I don’t have any evidence to the contrary, but I will reject your narrow definition of a birthday party because I have plenty of evidence to the contrary:  Where I am from in the USA and where I currently live in Germany, birthday parties are NOT about gifts, and it would be considered RUDE to let someone else throw you a birthday party.

It’s YOUR birthday, if YOU want a party, you should organize and pay for it yourself. If you invite your friends out somewhere, YOU should pay for their meals or drinks. If you throw a party, you should make sure that all your guest have enough to eat and drink, and that they are entertained. Some people might give you gifts, some people might not, and often they will just bring flowers or chocolate or wine as a thank you for hosting a party.  If someone does bring you a (wrapped) gift, you ask them if they want you to open it, if they do then you open it immediately and thank them immediately. You DO NOT EVER sit around open all your gifts at once in front of everybody as it would be considered highly rude as an adult to do this.

So, to all of the people that think the idea of throwing your own birthday party is “soooo disgustingly tacky”, please see #4.  I don’t know if you don’t celebrate your birthday (that’s sad), or if you just happen to have people in your life who want to throw parties for you all the time (if so nice for you, but logistically quite unlikely or impossible for many (If any one of my friends tried to throw a party for me, at least half of my friends would not be invited to said party, due to the fact that I have multiple circles of friends)), or if you invite your friends out and make them pay for their own meals/drinks while expecting them to bring you gifts (fine if that isn’t considered rude where you are from), but I assume you know the social norms of birthday parties in your culture/circle of friends better than I do. Please don’t assume you know the social norms of birthday parties in my culture/circle of friends better than I do.


4)    Many people on this message board seem to think that manners and etiquette are universal rules set in stone that apply to and are the same for the whole entire world.

Comment: They are not! Get over yourself and your ethnocentrism!


5)    There are a few people on here who either can’t read, or refuse to try to understand what anyone else has written. They just assume they know what other people are thinking, and if anyone dares to challenge what they say with criticism, the respond by being rude and more or less name calling.

Comment: When behavior like this is allowed to run rampant on message boards, it ruins the whole community for everyone. It drives away all the intelligent people who are willing to have civilized conversations and invites trolling and flame wars.

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This is the very last I’m going to reply in this topic, or in this section of The Bump forums
I know there might be some who will insist on getting the last word in, so they can feel smug and most likely they will be the people I was referring to in #5. 

To the majority of you who gave polite, helpful answers, thank you for your advice!

Tschüs!  :-h 

neverblushed

If someone offers to host a shower for you, don't hesitate to accept.

It is NEVER okay to throw your own shower, even if it's because you really, really want one but you live in a foreign country where baby showers are not a tradition.  It is also not okay to drop hints to your friends that you are looking for a shower.  

I'm guessing your family and friends back home will find some way to "shower" you and welcome you to motherhood, even if it's by mail or by waiting until you come home with the baby for the first time.

ETA: buy your own baby supplies.  Yes, it would "be nice to get some basic baby things as gifts before the baby comes" but it's totally rude to throw a party for yourself for the primary purpose of asking others to bring you gifts. Ugh.

kimberpoo

Just a warning....the other ladies here will probably flame you because throwing yourself any kind of gift giving party is a huge no no, most especially baby showers.

If no one wants to throw one for you, then you don't get to have one. This is /really/ true when you are in a culture that doesn't have the baby shower tradition. you'd be asking all these women, who have never even heard of a shower, to buy you gifts and then watch you open them.

If someone wants to get you something, they will. if your family in the US wants to throw you a shower, great. if not, then no shower. sorry. when you decide to have a LO, always expect to buy all of your own stuff. it's a nice surprise when someone is generous and gives you a gift, but you can never ever ever ask for a gift or throw yourself a shower.

 

LauraJerry

As I said, most of the women I would invite would be from England or the US or Australia or Canada, only a few would be German so most of them have at least heard of the tradition.

And I still don't get how it's different than throwing yourself a Bithday party...

Helenahhandbasket

It's not ok to throw yourself a shower, and I get the impression that even if someone did offer to throw you a shower, the concept is so far away from the social norm where you currently live.

kimberpoo

@ OP - throwing yourself a birthday party is not ok either. it's fine to coordinate a night to meet at the bar or whatever, but that's different than a real birthday party where people bring you things.

Gigi8212

I get the impression that most of your acquaintances in Germany would not really find a shower acceptable. Likewise it seems like your British friend is only offering because she feels like she should. So no, I wouldn't have one.

And never ever should you consider throwing one for yourself. Tacky x100. You need to abandon the idea of having a shower and move on.

Also, I never understand the comparison of baby showers to birthday parties (or weddings for that matter). I don't know many adults that throw themselves a birthday party, but those that do don't do it for the sole purpose of collecting gifts. I have never been to an adult "birthday party" where gifts were expected.

OP, maybe you don't realize it, but a baby shower is solely to shower the MTB with gifts. So you are essentially asking your friends to come bring you gifts. You say they would probably find it cute to be involved in an American tradition, but I expect they would actually referring to you more along the lines of another "tacky American".

LauraJerry

I guess that makes sense, I suppose I never realized that that the reason it's called a baby shower is because the point is to "shower" the MTB with gifts.

I'm sad I'll never get to experience this tradition though.

Gigi8212

LauraJerry said:

I guess that makes sense, I suppose I never realized that that the reason it's called a baby shower is because the point is to "shower" the MTB with gifts.

I'm sad I'll never get to experience this tradition though.

Start your own tradition! Have a nice meet the baby party once your baby is born. That seems like a nice compromise and it wouldn't put your friends in an uncomfortable position.

LauraJerry

Gigi8212 said:

I guess that makes sense, I suppose I never realized that that the reason it's called a baby shower is because the point is to "shower" the MTB with gifts.

I'm sad I'll never get to experience this tradition though.

Start your own tradition! Have a nice meet the baby party once your baby is born. That seems like a nice compromise and it wouldn't put your friends in an uncomfortable position.

If I do that, how long do you think I should wait after the baby is born? I doubt I'll feel up to getting dressed let alone planning a party in the first 6 weeks...

LauraJerry

And to give a little more background on throwing a shower in Germany and how it would be received:

https://thediaryofsugarandspice.wordpress.com/2013/09/17/an-american-baby-shower-for-a-german-baby/

LauraJerry

To be honest, I feel like I made the original post sound like I really wanted presents, but what I REALLY want is to have my female friends over to play silly games and have cake...

What if I threw a "no-gifts baby shower"?

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Cranang

First, who throws themselves their own birthday party? That's the dumbest analogy I've ever heard.

Second, asking people to buy stuff for you is extremely rude. And that's what you'd be doing if you threw your own shower.

Third, and only because you mentioned it more than once, buy your own stuff. Of course "it would nice", but that's just too bad. Your baby...you buy her diapers and clothes.

Cranang

LauraJerry said:

To be honest, I feel like I made the original post sound like I really wanted presents, but what I REALLY want is to have my female friends over to play silly games and have cake...

What if I threw a "no-gifts baby shower"?

Then invite your friends over for some food and games. Doesn't need to be related to your procreation.

LauraJerry

Cranang said:

First, who throws themselves their own birthday party? That's the dumbest analogy I've ever heard. Second, asking people to buy stuff for you is extremely rude. And that's what you'd be doing if you threw your own shower. Third, and only because you mentioned it more than once, buy your own stuff. Of course "it would nice", but that's just too bad. Your baby...you buy her diapers and clothes.

In Germany everyone throws there own birthday parties! And most of the people I know in the U.S. have done it before too, at least I don't know a single person over the age of 12 who has ever had someone ELSE throw a birthday party for them!! I can't imagine that anyone would ever throw a birthday party for someone else!

Unknown

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LauraJerry

Bliss+Berry said:

I hate the birthday party analogy.  First and foremost, I don't know any adult who has ever thrown themselves a birthday party.  Secondly, other than a major milestone birthday, I can't imagine anyone even having a birthday party.  Maybe a dinner party with a few friends, but a huge blowout?  Seems strange to me.  Third, birthday parties really are about celebrating the person and not necessarily a gift giving event.  Do people give gifts for birthdays, sure, but it's not the sole purpose of the celebration.  Showers exist for the purpose of giving gifts.  "Showering" the MTB with gifts to care for her newborn baby.  

They are two completely different things.  

I'm sorry that your circumstances are not favorable to having a shower, but it's something you are going to have to get over being an American living in Germany.  IMHO, people put far too much importance on baby showers.  It's not a wedding or a graduation or the birth of your child.  It's just a party with punch and cake.  

You can argue until you are blue in the face about how, why and whatever reason you are a special snowflake, but it's not appropriate to throw your own shower.  Ever.  And while no one may tell you to your face, they most certainly will think it's rude and tacky.  Sorry not sorry.

As I said before, it's completely normal for me that people I know throw their own birthday parties both in Germany and the U.S. (in Germany it is even expected!) 

So I was genuinely confused because I didn't realize the soul purpose of a baby shower is gifts.

I thought the purpose of a baby shower was to get together with women and share hopes and experiences and well wishes for the up coming birth, and celebrating womanhood, not about "showering "someone with gifts.

I'm definitely wanting one less and less now because you all make it sound horribly selfish even if someone else were to throw one for you!

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LauraJerry

Thank you for all your comments, you've all given me a lot to think about, and it's truly been a humbling experience!

I won't be having a shower.

I will never stop throwing kick ass parties for my birthday sometimes though, since I don't want to deprive my friends of all the awesome good times! They would be truly dissapointed. I throw myself birthday parties because I love my friends and want to see them all and hang out with them, not because I expect gifts or attention. I was foolish to think that philosophy would transfer to another kind of event. I don't expect you to understand.

But remember there are other parts of the world with different cultures and different ways of doing things and different ideas of proper etiquette. Even within the United States the rules of society vary greatly from region to region.

Gigi8212

LauraJerry said:

But remember there are other parts of the world with different cultures and different ways of doing things and different ideas of proper etiquette. Even within the United States the rules of society vary greatly from region to region.

Exactly. It is not the norm to have a baby shower in Germany. Which is why none if your friends offered to throw you one. Which is why everyone on here told you to just forget about it. End of story.

LauraJerry

Gigi8212 said:

Exactly. It is not the norm to have a baby shower in Germany. Which is why none if your friends offered to throw you one. Which is why everyone on here told you to just forget about it. End of story.

Right, I'll remember to never try to do anything that's not the "norm" in Germany ever again.
) :^o 8-}

Nicolewinsbingo

Bliss+Berry said:

LauraJerry said:

Bliss+Berry said:

I hate the birthday party analogy.  First and foremost, I don't know any adult who has ever thrown themselves a birthday party.  Secondly, other than a major milestone birthday, I can't imagine anyone even having a birthday party.  Maybe a dinner party with a few friends, but a huge blowout?  Seems strange to me.  Third, birthday parties really are about celebrating the person and not necessarily a gift giving event.  Do people give gifts for birthdays, sure, but it's not the sole purpose of the celebration.  Showers exist for the purpose of giving gifts.  "Showering" the MTB with gifts to care for her newborn baby.  

They are two completely different things.  

I'm sorry that your circumstances are not favorable to having a shower, but it's something you are going to have to get over being an American living in Germany.  IMHO, people put far too much importance on baby showers.  It's not a wedding or a graduation or the birth of your child.  It's just a party with punch and cake.  

You can argue until you are blue in the face about how, why and whatever reason you are a special snowflake, but it's not appropriate to throw your own shower.  Ever.  And while no one may tell you to your face, they most certainly will think it's rude and tacky.  Sorry not sorry.

As I said before, it's completely normal for me that people I know throw their own birthday parties both in Germany and the U.S. (in Germany it is even expected!) 

So I was genuinely confused because I didn't realize the soul purpose of a baby shower is gifts.

I thought the purpose of a baby shower was to get together with women and share hopes and experiences and well wishes for the up coming birth, and celebrating womanhood, not about "showering "someone with gifts.

I'm definitely wanting one less and less now because you all make it sound horribly selfish even if someone else were to throw one for you!

LOL @ "soul purpose."  

Seriously though, I can't tell if you are being deliberately obtuse or you are really this dense. A shower is not selfish because it's a gift that someone offers because they care about you and want to do something nice for you.  It's only selfish if you are throwing it yourself because then it's you asking others to bring you gifts.  

This last reply crossed a line in meanness, in my opinion.

OP, you really can't have a shower there unless someone offers one and then I'd only invite people who actually understand showers, not just heard of them. It does come across as strange to invite someone to an event they don't know much about & then explain to them it means coming to give you baby gifts...know what I mean?

I think a meet the baby party would be nice, around 4 to 10 weeks out. I think you could have simple plans in place before baby is born so you don't have to do much after baby arrives.

I think regardless of not having a shower, people will give you little gifts. If you want to gush about pregnancy, I'd invite a friend with kids of her own out to lunch or something. She will be able to relate & gush about baby stuff with you.

VOR

and share hopes and experiences and well wishes for the up coming birth

I have never, ever been to a shower like this.  Ever.  Showers, in my experience, involve basic socializing, food, maybe some games, opening of the gifts. 

 

I mean, yes, I'll say to the MTB "I'm so excited for you!  I can't wait to meet the baby.", but that's all of 2 seconds.  There are general "well wishes".

But showers aren't this kum by yah experience of women sitting around and talking about their birth experiences and sharing their hopes for this upcoming kid.  Hell- if I had gone to a shower like this BEFORE I became a mother, this would have been the 9th circle of hell!  

Don't overblow the importance of a shower.  It's a social event primarily focused on giving the MTB gifts for the baby. 

AND I would even argue that if showers were this "sharing" thing, as they aren't common in Germany, women would be even MORE "WTF" about it if they came. 

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Gigi8212

LauraJerry said:

Gigi8212 said:

Exactly. It is not the norm to have a baby shower in Germany. Which is why none if your friends offered to throw you one. Which is why everyone on here told you to just forget about it. End of story.

Right, I'll remember to never try to do anything that's not the "norm" in Germany ever again.
) :^o 8-}

You posted on this board asking for opinions. You got them. Why are you getting so butt hurt over it now? The overwhelming consensus is to forego a shower. You don't seem to like that answer. So go ahead and throw one for yourself. IDGAF.

VOR

Gigi8212 said:

Exactly. It is not the norm to have a baby shower in Germany. Which is why none if your friends offered to throw you one. Which is why everyone on here told you to just forget about it. End of story.

Right, I'll remember to never try to do anything that's not the "norm" in Germany ever again. ) :^o 8-}

You posted on this board asking for opinions. You got them. Why are you getting so butt hurt over it now? The overwhelming consensus is to forego a shower. You don't seem to like that answer. So go ahead and throw one for yourself. IDGAF.

Seriously.  I don't understand this.  "Can I do ___?".  No.  "You all are so mean and here are all the reasons that I'm special!!!!!!".

YTLCNURSE

LauraJerry said:

Hello, this is my first time posting to the message boards here, because I really could use some advice.

First off, I live in Germany and have lived here for 9 years now. I came here to be with my husband who is German, but all of my family, and many of my close friends live in the USA and I don't see them very often. (The last time I was in the USA was before I was pregnant and I won't be back till September 2014 at the earliest.)

My husband and I are due with our first baby (a girl) at the end of April.

In Germany people don't really have baby showers, some people have a celebration type event after a baby is born, but I don't think it's that common.

I've only ever been to one baby shower in my life, but I was in my teens then, and I don't remember that much of it. I've been to and involved in several wedding showers in the U.S. though, so I know th basic idea.

Here in German I have my Mother in law who is German, one good American friend, and one or two other close friends, and many co-workers, acquaintances and friends from all over the world, but mostly English speaking coountries.

There is no-one here in Germany to throw a baby shower for me. My best friend who is British offered to help me throw one if I wanted, but she said that in England they don't have them, and she only really knows them from T.V. and movies. (She would also not be able to host, since her apartment is tiny and has no kitchen.)

So basically, if I want to have any kind of baby shower, I would have to throw one for myself, which I've now read on the message boards here is apparently tacky and a big no-no.

On the one hand I kinda get that, because I would feel a little like I was just trying to get people to buy me presents, but on the other hand, how is that really different from throwing my own birthday party?? And it would be nice to get some baby clothes and diapers as presents so I don't have to buy every little thing myself...

I have enough international friends that most of them would know what a baby shower is, and I could explain it to the one or two Germans that I would invite (I'm sure they'd get a kick out of learning about an American tradition like that.) I also think it would be fun to get together with my girlfriends and hang out and play fun shower games and what-not.

If I did anything, it would be low-key, since I don't need the stress of planning a huge fancy event right now, and I would ask my close friends to pitch in and help. I could also wait till after our baby girl is born and have some kind of celebration then, but I don't really think it would be the same, plus again, it would be nice to get some basic baby things as gifts before the baby comes (I don't even have a registry, so it's not like I want big expensive presents just some onesies and clothes and small items.) I mostly just want to be able to have a fun get together with friends and colleagues to celebrate my impending motherhood though.

SO, what do you think, should I abandon the idea of having a baby shower, or should I throw one for myself anyway? Or should I wait and have a party after the baby is born?

I have no idea!!

Sounds gift grabby to me. You are responsible for making sure your baby has the essential supplies he or she needs to survive. The intent of a baby shower is to welcome a woman into motherhood, not to expect gifts from people just because "you don't want to have to buy every single thing." Bottom line...it's your baby so it's your responsibility...baby shower or no baby shower.

PrimRoseMama

Nope, there is no acceptable justification for throwing your own baby shower.

I would wait until after baby arrives & host a party then.

The difference is that you are hosting for your baby (who is the guest of honor after they are born) vs. throwing a gift giving event for yourself.

It's not a crime to want a baby shower, but it is one to throw your own.

LauraJerry

VOR said:

Gigi8212 said:

LauraJerry said:

Gigi8212 said:

Exactly. It is not the norm to have a baby shower in Germany. Which is why none if your friends offered to throw you one. Which is why everyone on here told you to just forget about it. End of story.

Right, I'll remember to never try to do anything that's not the "norm" in Germany ever again.
) :^o 8-}

You posted on this board asking for opinions. You got them. Why are you getting so butt hurt over it now? The overwhelming consensus is to forego a shower. You don't seem to like that answer. So go ahead and throw one for yourself. IDGAF.

Seriously.  I don't understand this.  "Can I do ___?".  No.  "You all are so mean and here are all the reasons that I'm special!!!!!!".


Let me get this straight:

I say I'm not going to have a shower.

To which you insist on replying with the most inane reason as to why I shouldn't have a shower (which I just agreed not to have).

I then laugh at your reasoning because it's seriously one of the dumbest things I have ever heard.

According to you I am "butt hurt" and going to throw myself a shower anyway.

According to your friend, I don't like the answer to the question I asked and am calling everyone mean for not understanding that I'm special.

.....

Logic and reasoning are clearly one of your strong suits! >- =D>

Gigi8212

SingleMom31

If you want cake with your girlfriends, invite them over for cake and chit chat. If someone called and offered cake, I'd be there in a New York minute.

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jf198400

OP, It seems to me that your family back in the US probably will want to shower you with gifts, even if you can't travel home for a traditional shower. I would make a baby registry and share the info with your mom. It is likely that your family will ship gifts to you in Germany.
Im sorry you won't get a baby shower, but if it's not typical in Germany, then you just have to accept that. Many people will still bring you gifts when baby is born, and you can have a meet the baby party.

LauraJerry

Ok, it’s time to play: What I Learned on TheBump.com – Baby Shower message board!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1)    Baby showers (and all showers for that matter) are, by general consensus, defined as a gift-giving event. The main purpose of these events is to “shower” the Mother-to-be/guest of honor with gifts, and then sit around in a circle watching her open said gifts.

Comment: I truly did not understand this, thank you to those of you who thoughtfully and politely explained this to me. (I really do appreciate that the majority of answers on here weren’t rude, spiteful or inane.)


2)    Based on the above definition, I find the idea of showers in general to be tacky, and to be honest, I’m now glad I’m not having one.

I will never again consider the idea of throwing a shower for myself, and would politely decline if someone wanted to throw one for me. I would never want a friend/relative of mine to go through all the trouble and expense of throwing me a party, and then demanding that guests bring gifts for me, (and sit around watching me open them (ewww!))  I would also never feel comfortable throwing a shower for someone else; since I would never want to invite people to a party and demand they bring gifts, even if it was for a friend!

Comment: This will probably offend many people on here since it is a baby shower message board, but since you all made me understand what a shower is, it has changed my opinion of them forever, and it’s quite simply how I feel. It’s my opinion, and you are welcome to have a different one.


3)    Many people on this message board have a very narrow definition of what a birthday party is.

Comment: I accept a the very narrow definition of showers presented to me on here because I don’t have any evidence to the contrary, but I will reject your narrow definition of a birthday party because I have plenty of evidence to the contrary:  Where I am from in the USA and where I currently live in Germany, birthday parties are NOT about gifts, and it would be considered RUDE to let someone else throw you a birthday party.

It’s YOUR birthday, if YOU want a party, you should organize and pay for it yourself. If you invite your friends out somewhere, YOU should pay for their meals or drinks. If you throw a party, you should make sure that all your guest have enough to eat and drink, and that they are entertained. Some people might give you gifts, some people might not, and often they will just bring flowers or chocolate or wine as a thank you for hosting a party.  If someone does bring you a (wrapped) gift, you ask them if they want you to open it, if they do then you open it immediately and thank them immediately. You DO NOT EVER sit around open all your gifts at once in front of everybody as it would be considered highly rude as an adult to do this.

So, to all of the people that think the idea of throwing your own birthday party is “soooo disgustingly tacky”, please see #4.  I don’t know if you don’t celebrate your birthday (that’s sad), or if you just happen to have people in your life who want to throw parties for you all the time (if so nice for you, but logistically quite unlikely or impossible for many (If any one of my friends tried to throw a party for me, at least half of my friends would not be invited to said party, due to the fact that I have multiple circles of friends)), or if you invite your friends out and make them pay for their own meals/drinks while expecting them to bring you gifts (fine if that isn’t considered rude where you are from), but I assume you know the social norms of birthday parties in your culture/circle of friends better than I do. Please don’t assume you know the social norms of birthday parties in my culture/circle of friends better than I do.


4)    Many people on this message board seem to think that manners and etiquette are universal rules set in stone that apply to and are the same for the whole entire world.

Comment: They are not! Get over yourself and your ethnocentrism!


5)    There are a few people on here who either can’t read, or refuse to try to understand what anyone else has written. They just assume they know what other people are thinking, and if anyone dares to challenge what they say with criticism, the respond by being rude and more or less name calling.

Comment: When behavior like this is allowed to run rampant on message boards, it ruins the whole community for everyone. It drives away all the intelligent people who are willing to have civilized conversations and invites trolling and flame wars.

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This is the very last I’m going to reply in this topic, or in this section of The Bump forums
I know there might be some who will insist on getting the last word in, so they can feel smug and most likely they will be the people I was referring to in #5. 

To the majority of you who gave polite, helpful answers, thank you for your advice!

Tschüs!  :-h 

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Unknown

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VOR

LauraJerry said:

I know there might be some who will insist on getting the last word in, so they can feel smug and most likely they will be the people I was referring to in #5. 

Definitely not what you're doing.  No, definitely not. 

PrimRoseMama

Dude, holy shit @laurajerry -- you really are working at being universally hated. Also, holy over reaction.

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